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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that, as the working parent, I do not have to do half of the housework?

267 replies

mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 18:20

Just that really, Fed up with sahps moaning about their working partners not doing enough around the house. Well, that's the deal isn't it? I cook most nights but that's about it.

OP posts:
KellyElly · 05/02/2015 19:46

Ok, I'm a lone parent who works, has to do all the housework, illness cover, doctors appt and have an ex who does bugger all, so no downtime at the weekend. I win Grin

DadOnIce · 05/02/2015 19:48

If your children are at school and you are at home, you have approximately 30-35 hours of free time a week, alone in the house, which the working partner does not have.

You could get the house clean enough for Kim and Aggie to eat their tea off the surfaces and marvel at your domestic goddery/goddessery in that time, and still have loads of free time left over for hobbies, farting about, etc.

zeezeek · 05/02/2015 19:50

DadOnIce - exactly. After 40 odd years of working his arse off, my DH now can't believe how easy his life is compared to how it was when he was working FT.

yetanotherchangename · 05/02/2015 19:50

Kindle - I don't think I said "consumed". For me the time between getting up and getting the three children (one with school anxiety) out of the house by 7.30 am is quite busy. But even if it wasn't, someone's got to be there while they're getting out the house and I don't feel the need to scrub the loo whilst brushing the little one's teeth (you do know that you should assist them in brushing their teeth until they are six btw) just because my DH is doing a different sort of work elsewhere.

merrymouse · 05/02/2015 19:52

When it needs to be done.

I don't understand why this is so controversial?

I can build my own house or I can buy a pre-built house.

I can do my own plumbing or hire a plumber.

I can be self sufficient and live off the land and have a few farm animals or I can trade my work skills for money and buy food from other people.

I can send my children to a nursery or use a childminder or I can care for my children myself.

You pays your money, you takes your choice.

Young children (and some adults and older children) need carers. This is work.

APlaceInTheWinter · 05/02/2015 19:56

fancy but this thread wasn't about relationships with two WOHPs. It was about division of labour between a WOHP and SAHP. In that case, I think the SAHP does have more responsibility for parenting than the WOHP when the WOHP is working. It's disingenuous for the PPs to imply the parenting burden is the same.

justmyview · 05/02/2015 19:57

Some local SAHM's near us were chatting about how being a SAHM was a piece of cake. Some of them had got dogs when their children went to school, to persuade their DH's that they had a reason to stay at home, instead of returning to work. The moment they realised I work full time, they were all on the defensive about how it was such hard work, 24/7, never had a cup of tea in peace, they felt under appreciated etc. It still makes me chuckle when I remember that conversation

LadyLuck10 · 05/02/2015 19:59

'Medical/social appointments' surely this is something that doesn't happen every single day but it's made out to be like a lot of work. As well as being the emergency contact, this is only IF something happens and again makes it seem like a huge amount of daily work. Yes a sahm is work but it's definitely not hard work. As a sahp I have the better end of the deal.

zeezeek · 05/02/2015 19:59

merrymouse - what makes it contriversial is when SAHP judge women like me for our choices and imply that we are not full time parents just because we don't spend every waking hour with our children.

When I'm at home with them I'm officially caring for them but don't see it as a job. It's just being their parent.

Just as when I'm doing housework I'm not a cleaner. It's being just looking after my house.

When I'm cooking - I'm not a chef. I'm just cooking.

I do this all AND my paid job. I'm not a saint, a martyr or anything else but I refuse to see how a parent looking after a child or their own house is doing a job.

Stealthpolarbear · 05/02/2015 20:00

Yet another but parents who work come home and do some of that until into the evening too. And get kids up and out in the morning.

YonicScrewdriver · 05/02/2015 20:02

As Annie and a couple of others have said, the MN mantra is equal leisure time, not 50:50 housework.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 20:06

YetAnother-what you descibe is the school run. It's part of being a parent, nothing to go on about really. Calling it 'a different kind of work' is lazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 20:08

Agree zee-When I take the children out at weekends or spend time with them I am not at work, it is my leisure time.

OP posts:
Chunderella · 05/02/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 20:10

Yonic- -love that. Will adopt immediately

OP posts:
KindleFancy · 05/02/2015 20:11

Yetanother - mine haven't had assistance with teeth brushing (past the odd 'remember to do the back ones' comment) since age 4.

They don't go to the dentist every 6 months either Shock

Nervo · 05/02/2015 20:11

Not read the thread. MrsRuffallo - I agree with you on the CBB thread.

As to housework. I work full time and do 50% of running the home.

When I was on mat leave I only did 50% or less.

I find work more invigorating that being at home.

I have no point other than if I were a sahp I'd fucking moan too. And if anyone took me for granted, woe betide them.

Chunderella · 05/02/2015 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 20:13

I have already posted: 2 school aged children. Lifestyle normal...not really sure what lifestyle would make a drastic difference. I work long hours. All the information I have already posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 20:14

Thank you nervo. I am having a moan to take my mind off poor perez!

OP posts:
editthis · 05/02/2015 20:15

What pisses me and other WOHM off is the assumption from some SAHM that they are in some way superior because they are slaves to their children 24/7. I see this, but I think most people feel that other people think they are superior (even though most people are not). A lot of SAHM think WOHM think they are superior because they're earning money and using their brains.

I'm with TwoOddSocks. I have (temporarily, I hope) given up a career I love because we can't afford for me to go back to work. I do most of the childcare and housework because I do see it as part of the deal (and I have time at the moment, due to age of the children; they are not school-age yet, but do sleep through), but I would hate to receive an attitude from my husband that everything should be done, just so, at these times (not saying this is your attitude OP; as your children are at school the situations are entirely different).

I actually agree that domestic work that you would have to pay for in [the] absence [of a SATP] is work. My DH and I certainly see it that way; I currently see myself as "earning" as a wage what we would have to spend on childcare, cleaner and commute, were I to return to work.

Not to say that some of what I do is not a pleasure - I am lucky to be home with my children in many ways, which is another reason I take on more household chores, so that my DH can enjoy his time with them at weekends instead of doing washing. (And by the way, caring for small children when another adult is in the house to bring you a towel, or or prepare lunch, or watch them while you have a shower, is not the same as doing it alone!)

But sometimes it would be nice to be able to switch off when"home" from work, watch what you like on TV or go for a run because you've earned the downtime, not feeling you should do "one more thing" (mop the kitchen floor), knowing that someone has bought something for dinner (even if you're going to cook it), and that if the children wake in the night someone else will take care of it. I think it's the lack of parameters in SAHP that can be stifling, the feeling that you're always on duty, and also the sheer unrelenting monotony. Not that YABU to expect SAHP to do more than half of housework, but this is why they might be moaning about it.

HTH!

zeezeek · 05/02/2015 20:15

Chunderella - cooking - pleasure
DIY - DH's pleasure
Gardening - no pleasure Grin

merrymouse · 05/02/2015 20:15

Zeezeek, I went back to work full time when DS was 6 months old. While I was at work I was not caring for him, I was faffing around with spreadsheets because that is what I am paid to do. I was his parent, but somebody else was doing the job of looking after him. Sometimes that was DH, sometimes a nursery, sometimes my parents. They were all doing a job. At other times I have looked after the children while DH has worked. We both do the jobs that enable our household to run in the way that we have chosen.

Childcare takes time and resources. (As does caring for an elderly parent or an adult with sn).

Pretending that caring can be done with a waft of a skirt and a smile, all hidden away so as not to cause too much distress for the menfolk doesn't help anybody.

I know nothing about the SAHPs you have met. My experience is that most people in real life are just doing their best under the circumstances, but sometimes everybody likes to let off steam a bit in the coffee shop or at the water cooler.

editthis · 05/02/2015 20:19

even though most people are not Sorry, I meant to say most people aren't thinking are superior to anyone else

Nervo · 05/02/2015 20:21

I love Perez. I hate KH. My Mum feels the same.