To think that, as the working parent, I do not have to do half of the housework?

[mrsruffallo]

Just that really, Fed up with sahps moaning about their working partners not doing enough around the house. Well, that's the deal isn't it? I cook most nights but that's about it.

Depends.

I have a young baby and a 3YO not yet at nursery at all. I do the vast majority of the housework as I'm at home all day. But I don't think it's strictly all on me to do it. If for some reason I don't get stuff done absolutely expect DH to help on a night. It's not like looking after two little ones isnt demanding, I would be infuriated if he came home and have me a hard time about some bit of housework not being done. There are a few things that are 'his' jobs however.

That said, if I had school age kids and was still a SAHM or say only worked 2 days a week, I would expect to pick up all the housework. Otherwise, what do you do all day?!

Dh does no housework whatsoever. I am a sahp. He will do childcare, and dog walking by arrangement (his dog!) but not really anything else and it's fine. Not worth moaning about.
If dh died tomorrow I very much doubt that I'd be sobbing he'd gone to his grave having hardly ever hoovered, likewise if I snuffed it, as I almost did two years ago, he wouldn't be in tears thinking about all the money I didn't get a chance to earn.

If your dh's friends are moaning about such trivial things start feeling happy you're not so petty, instead of being annoyed that they are.

It's perfectly obvious - you should both be doing approximately the same amount in total. If the SAHP has got three children under three then he/she will get nothing else done apart from barely cope while the working parent is out of the house and they should split household chores equally. if the SAHP has only got school age children and no other commitments (elderly parents etc) then he/she should really be able to get pretty much all the household tasks done while the other parent is out of the house and leave evenings/weekends free. If they prefer to take time out during the day then I don't see anything wrong with them doing some housework in the evenings and weekends while other parent is working. Which isn't to say that the working parent shouldn't do basic clearing up after themselves etc. They shouldn't actively be making extra work!

Can't see what there is to discuss really - except that many real situations are somewhere inbetween. And if you don't basically respect and want to support each other then you are probably never going to agree!

I suppose it depends on the size of your house. I think all of mn must live in mansions as our place only takes a few hours a week to clean, and at times like now in the evening we have no toys out or anything in the wrong place. I like everything being tidy or I find it hard to relax.

Its not part of my "deal" to be a skivvy. I agreed to stay home with the children, but not if it meant I had to do everything. Nor does he have to do everything either, we outsource the bits we don't like. If that wasn't an option, then I would have preferred to go back to work and split it 50/50 and be equals.

The tone of your posts kind of makes it sound like you have a bit of an attitude towards SAHPs.

There are about a million factors at play here. If your kids are at school full time then yes I would expect the SAHP to do more housework. How much more they do depends a lot on the individual circumstances.

Who does bath time? Helps with homework? Packs lunches, gets the kids ready for school? If the SAHP works 6:30am-9am then 3pm-8pm (that would be assuming the working parent does not help with the kids during the evening) then they can damn well expect some leisure time during the day.

Even then I think it depends on why they're staying at home. Me and my husband both have PhD's and the potential for interesting careers but due to the nature of the work we were in (moving around a lot especially) it would be impossible for us both to work in our chosen field. So I stay home while he works. I like being with my son but I didn't give up an interesting career to be a skivvy and me and my husband both agree that the time my son is at pre school is time for me to do something enriching (I'm doing some casual studying at the moment).

It can be depressing to give up a career you enjoy to take on a role that earns you very little respect (people assume you're watching basically watching Jeremy Kyle all day) and is often quite dull (I bloody hate cleaning). So I think they should expect the opportunity for some adult conversation or to pursue their hobbies rather than cleaning 100% of the day.

If your partner hated their job and begged to stay at home possibly forcing you to take on extra hours in a very stressful job it might be a different story.

I've never seen anyone say the working parent should do 50% of housework

Equal downtime is not the same as doing half the housework.

I have much more downtime than my DH, but I do probably about 50/75% of the household chores. Depends how you define them I suppose

Even when he is home he is a doer...he picks the children up from their activities, sorts the bins, loads the dishwasher etc

He likes to keep busy, I don't. It works for us, if he was unhappy with it we would change what we do

I appreciate I am very lucky but I don't think there is a should about it

Same here zero

Housework is probably about 30 mins a day

All three of mine are at senior school though, and i hate an untidy house

Being a SAHP isn't work, it's being a parent that doesn't have a job. The other parent is still a parent too and doubt they describe themselves as having two jobs.

Yet for some odd reason it isn't legal to leave a 2 year old on their own. I don't think society is yet ready for this 'parenting' from your desk idea.

And I agree with tatty

hmm, I don't help with the kids- they are mine too!! I love spending time with them, don't see it as helping him out. He gets Pyjamas ready, brushes teeth for younger ones, I read stories and chat in the bedroom.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple - exactly.

I probably do have an atitude towards them- all that time to do lovely stuff!!!

merrymouse - nobody said that, did they. What pisses me and other WOHM off is the assumption from some SAHM that they are in some way superior because they are slaves to their children 24/7. Well, just because I chose to work, work long hours and (god forbid) sometimes work abroad, it does not mean I'm not a parent to my children.

FWIW when DH was working when the DDs were younger (he retired last year) and we were both putting in 15 hour days, we had an au pair who also took on some of the household chores because we both wanted to spend our free time with the kids and not doing housework.

Frankly, I'd rather live in a hovel and have fun with the girls when I'm home than spend time cleaning.

Who said that the wohp should take on 50% of all household chores?
Ive never seen that.

I think it would be unfair to expect to sit about or indulge in hobbies while your Dp picks up after you and looks after the kids evey evening/ weekend just because the are a sahp
This particularly applied, imo, to parents of pre school children.
They are hard work.

Firstly, there are lots of reasons that people are SAHPs other than to do the housework - because they think it's a better option for the children, because of the cost of childcare, because one partner can't compromise their career (e.g. by taking time off to cover sickness).

Secondly, when my DC are all at school (they aren't all yet), I'll probably be performing childcare from about 6.15 in the morning until 8.30 at night, with around 5 and a half hours in the day in between school runs. Of that, child related household tasks (cooking, shopping, ironing, washing, sorting out admin, tidying, birthdays etc) and things like watching plays/matches/going to school meetings etc will probably use up about 2 hours a day. And I'll do another half an hour when they've gone to be. So I'll be working on child related stuff for about 14/15 hours a day with about 3 hours off. Of course in the holidays (20 weeks a year) I won't have those 3 hours. Nor when the children are off sick. And this is assuming my youngest starts sleeping at night.

So best case scenario, I'll be working an 11 hour day 30 weeks a year. And a 15 hour day for 22 weeks.

If I didn't have children and I was working those hours, say as a childminder, would my partner be reasonable to expect me to do every single bit of housework too?

Of course the WOHP is still a parent but they aren't doing the majority of the childcare and do not have the same level of responsibility for the DCs if they are at work. They usually don't manage the DCs' appointments (medical and social) or act as initial emergency contact, etc. If I'm in the office and DH is home with DS we are both still parents but there's no question or doubt who is actively parenting at that time.

I agree oddsocks if you have given up/downgraded your career because it isn't practical in your particular circumstances to have 2 parents working long hours/travelling; then being the designated loo cleaner because you are the lower earner/work fewer hours can be a bit of a kick in the teeth.

Obviously this situation doesn't apply to all households, but it certainly applies to some.

Hmmm I think it depends. If I had a couple of school aged kids I would say YANBU. I am currently a SAHP I guess - am on maternity leave with 10 week old DS. I think we are pretty much 50/50 on housework right now, But 95/5 on childcare! DS is BF so I do all night wakings so DH isn't shattered at work, plus I do most changing nappies etc even when DH is about, it's just easier . I do a lot of the day to day stuff with running a household, laundry processing, supermarket shopping etc but we both take turns to do dinners & DH does larger cleaning chores like mopping floors, vacuuming etc. I don't count walking the dog as a chore, it's pleasure to get out of the house & spend quality time with the hound & I get to do it every day now I'm not stuck in the office.

I thInk your view is quite strange yetanother.

When you have a toddler or baby, yes you're generally consumed with 'child related' things every second they're with you.

When they're school age...not so much.

Mine are 4 and 7. I don't class 6.15am- school drop off as being consumed by 'childcare'. They're big boys...they get up, I generally tip some cereal in a bowl for them and hand them a piece of fruit. They get themselves dressed, washed, teeth/hair brushed. Get their own shoes and coat on, get their lunch boxes out of the fridge and find their school folders.

I don't have to drop everything just because - gasp - there are two dc in the house.

If you're a SAHP with school age dc there's no reason you can't do all the housework IMO. Then when the WOHP gets back, usual evening chores (dinner/dishes/bath/bed) can be shared.

If DH was a SAHP and I was working I'd be pissed off having to come home and Hoover/tidy/wash clothes etc tbh.

merrymouse - nobody said that, did they.

Yes they did - I copied and pasted snow white's post.

I think that if your partner is doing domestic work that you would have to pay for in their absence they are doing a job.

Who do think sorts out medical/ social appointments for the children of wohps? Mychildminder doesn't do it, I do! And if my child is at school and is ill, I will still be the emergency contact and one of us will have to come and collect said child. Not everyone has a nanny!

merrymouse - you are kidding? Since when has doing domestic work in ones own house become a job???

To my mind school age kids means the sahp can do most daily household chores during the school days until the other parent reappears.
However chores that need doing after that time should be shared.
Weekend chores should be shared.

Also IMO childcare is work.
I presume you discussed the arrangement before children arrived.
If the sahp was not around then this work would need to be done by a paid professional.