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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
fancyanotherfez · 10/02/2015 17:28

It's not the same thing, because the man has no choice, whether he knows about the abortion or not. The woman in this case will have a choice if she was informed of the decision, but doesn't know that she needs to make a choice if she doesn't know about it. Also, it means she could be taking hormonal contraception unnecessarily.

Kittymum03 · 10/02/2015 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

850Pro · 11/02/2015 10:34

fancyanotherfez, you say the man has no choice, but surely if the man wants a child he should know if his partner is terminating one as he has the choice to leave her to be with someone that wants one?

This is no different from a woman having the choice if to tell her partner or not.

fancyanotherfez · 11/02/2015 11:21

I'm not saying it's right, but just because she has a termination, doesn't mean she wouldn't want children in the future. I would suspect that the relationship would end fairly quickly after this if she couldn't tell him about the termination. In both cases, the person having the op should tell their partner. That is what everyone is saying!

differentnameforthis · 11/02/2015 11:55

I think he is right to do this if he doesn't want children.

I think he has a right to do it while she is away, if attempts to talk to her about it have failed

I think he has the right to do to his own body, exact;y what he likes, at any time he likes

I DON'T think he is right to allow her to believe that everything is the same as when she went away.

And I don't think I have implied that! I am merely pissed off, that once again, the man can do no right on MN.

Iggi999 · 11/02/2015 12:58

Differentname, you've just said what most people on the thread are saying though Confused
We can't say that this man is doing something right, when he simply isn't - a massive deceit.

Aherdofmims · 11/02/2015 14:48

He must tell her.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 11/02/2015 14:56

Wow. Nice guy Hmm

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/02/2015 16:24

I have recently had a termination and not told the other party involved.

My body my choice,nothing he could have said or done could have changed the outcome,it in no way has an impact on his future fertility choices.

He is pro choice.

The agreement that we had was that some time in the future we may go down that road but that it would need to be with fairly intense medical support and most certainly not unplanned or a surprise no matter how much of a happy one it would be. As things stand at the moment that is still the case.

The only thing he knows is that I am no longer prepared to rely on hormonal contraception so should he wish to continue having sex with me I use a cap and he uses a condom and we also take care over timing.

There is not even one aspect of the choice I made that could reasonably be expected to impact on his future, he is not falsely hoping we will one day have a child or that he can convince me to do so to find out in 15 years when he feels he's to old to do so that its impossible.

If I decided that I was not prepared to risk or cope with the pregnancy related medical condition I get and got sterilised I would have an absolute moral obligation to inform him I had made sure that would not happen with me and give him the choice to stay or not. Not doing so would be emotionally manipulative and treading dangerously close to abusive.

Cobain · 11/02/2015 16:33

Having to admit the vasectomy could be he has to admit he does not trust her. He is reliant on her taking the pill or using condoms although condoms could also show her lack of trust. He seemed to be very open about not having children any changes in her position would end the relationship anyway. I could not stay with him because of the lies but equally if I was changing my mind about children I would be honest and end the relationship.

microferret · 11/02/2015 17:07

It's fine for him to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want kids - that's absolutely his right.
I also understand the decision to do it whilst she was away - he may not have wanted to deal with her pleas not to do it etc.... it isn't the way I'd go about things but I do understand it.

However if he is planning to keep it a secret and to trick her into thinking children are a possibility, then that is fraudulent and inexcusable. At 33 time is precious - if she is considering having kids she needs to know that he's done this. Make it very clear that if he doesn't tell her, you will. And if he says he's told her, if you don't trust him then perhaps touch lightly on the subject with her one day, from her reaction you should be able to tell whether she really knows or not.

For all those banging on about it being like a woman having an abortion and not telling her DP - that would only be the case if abortions resulted in permanent infertility, thereby removing the possibility of kids from the equation forever. Which they don't. So this analogy is redundant. Plus what is the obsession with hijacking threads to whine about a completely different issue? If you're that upset about women getting secret abortions why don't you start your own thread on that and stop clogging up this one?

YellowTulips · 11/02/2015 17:07

I think it's totally his choice to have a vasectomy or not.

However I think he has a moral responsibility to tell his OH what he has done.

It's up to him if he doesn't want kids but it's not his decision to stop her from having them - which if he doesn't tell her is directly impacting her fertility choices.

So in your place OP I'd tell him to come clean and say you will tell her if he won't.

microferret · 11/02/2015 17:39

Differentname that's unfair. I see many threads where an OP complains about their DH/DP only for other posters to stand up for him if they feel she's being unfair.

The man in this thread is being attacked not because he's a man but because he's trying to trick his GF about something that has the potential to ruin her life.

Sometimes posters go over the top in their condemnation of a DH/DP who has apparently done wrong but then that usually happens when one hears a story from only one side, regardless of gender. You'll notice that when a woman on here complains about a MIL, SIL or other female relative or friend, the response is pretty similar. It is about supporting the OP, not bashing men.

If you want to see a real example of sexism online, go and visit Punternet.

Fairenuff · 11/02/2015 18:46

So in your place OP I'd tell him to come clean and say you will tell her if he won't.

That's exactly what OP did do Yellow and he got very angry with her and stormed off Confused

differentnameforthis · 12/02/2015 02:18

Iggi999 yes, but see how I do it without calling him a dick, etc etc? Or totally blaming him for it, whereas the majority are calling him names, and refusing to see that he may have no choice in the matter?

And it's really no unfair, microferret It's an observation that I have made over my 10+ years of being here. Yes, you are right to say that women do get called on it too, but more often than not a thread will start & there are always people jumping in, looking for blame on the man's side.

If a man starts a thread here, it isn't long before he is accused of causing the problems he is seeking help for & accused of posting here because his wife/gf does & he wants to invade her personal space.

Original poster
30somethingm · 12/02/2015 02:19

Haven't heard from my friend still since he stormed off. PS I am a man btw. MN seem to have changed my gender in my profile!

OP posts:
Postchildrenpregranny · 12/02/2015 02:24

How long does it take for the bruising to go down? Once collected a work colleague from his vascectomy -his wife couldn't drive- as I recall he was in considerable pain..so I assume it takes a while to'get over' Won't she notice?

Postchildrenpregranny · 12/02/2015 02:49

Friends of mine married aged 25 . She was very clear she didn't want children ( I knew her very well and she meant it). He was regretful, but loved/wanted her so much they married anyway . Had a lovely dual income lifestyle. Fast forward 13 years, she changed her mind and they had a child . Despite he feelings, I think she might have been rather upset if he'd gone off and had a snip without telling her , for whatever reason-saving her the bother?-in the meantime And I suspect he would have been ditto, even though he knew she wasn't keen .
I think your dilemma is really tricky OP and you will probably lose him as a friend if you do tell her.

Morloth · 12/02/2015 05:27

She needs to know.

microferret · 12/02/2015 07:22

Differentname, there will always be people who project their own bitterness onto whatever situation is being described and yes, who wish to blame the man no matter what. However by and large people are very fair. In this thread the man described is clearly in the wrong and it is fact you projecting your own issues here about perceived MN injustices against men.

MN might be a but heavy on the sisterhood stuff occasionally, but what exactly do you expect from a site titled Mumsnet? I repeat, if you want to see a real example of gender-based hatred online, visit Punternet.

scaevola · 12/02/2015 07:24

"How long does it take for the bruising to go down?"

How long is a piece of string? Some people are extremely lucky and pretty much back to normal in a matter of days. However, swelling/pain/bruising which may limit activities for a couple of weeks is so common it's not counted as a side effect.

Then there are things which really are the complications - and they affect one in 10 men (according to NHS) and this can require further surgery in the hope of minimising (note that word - it can be incurable) long-term scrotal pain.

Original poster
30somethingm · 12/02/2015 07:59

He was fine after a week he says - no visible swelling and hair regrowing hiding the scar I'm guessing?!! I will obviously tell her but just want to give him a chance till after the weekend.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/02/2015 08:11

Sorry OP for changing your sex there. Is she back home now?

850Pro · 12/02/2015 09:29

30somethingm - If a female friend had a termination without telling there husband/boyfriend would you think it was ok to tell them that?

You have no right telling her anything.

Original poster
30somethingm · 12/02/2015 09:42

She is back home. She needs to know in case having a child is now more important to her than being with my mate. He needs to tell her ideally, but I've made up my mind that I will if he doesn't.

OP posts:
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