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Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 08/02/2015 18:57

Faire

Do I think that he has done the right thing in controlling his fertility? Yes I do.

Do I think that he has gone about it in the right way? not particularly but I would like to know why before I condemn the man, but as the op went in all guns blazing with ultimatums we will probably never know.

Tatty

I think that a closer analogy would be if she stopped taking contraception and had a child which he then had to pay for for 18yrs +, in your scenario he could still remove himself from the situation.

fryone

at the star the op posted "probably" later on she posted "They both have been adamant about not having children from the word go."

GatoradeMeBitch · 08/02/2015 20:03

This guy is a knobhead. Of course it's his body, his choice, blah blah - but it sounds as though he'll happily leave his partner taking hormonal contraception for no reason, or perhaps even let her believe at some point that they are trying for a child when he knows it won't happen. The vasectomy isn't the problem, the problem is that he told you AND told you to keep it a secret because he doesn't want his actual partner to know. Utter cunt. Of course you should tell her.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 20:31

Boney

Do I think that he has done the right thing in controlling his fertility? Yes I do.

Yes, so does everyone else on the thread. But that wasn't what I asked you.

Do I think that he has gone about it in the right way? not particularly...

Ok. But that wasn't what I asked you either.

I asked Do you think he should keep it from her or tell her?

I take it you don't want to answer that simple question?

Or maybe you are just being deliberately obtuse.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/02/2015 20:43

So what exactly would be a good reason to do that and not disclose?

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/02/2015 20:55

faire

I have replied that I do not have enough information from the OP. You may consider that obtuse if you like, but that is my answer.

The OP says that they "would "probably not" have children" then they are "adamant" that they don't want children. The OP talks about "gut feelings", but doesn't product facts.

The OP doesn't even know if the friend's partner wants children.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 21:42

It's ok Boney, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Maybe OP will update in a few weeks when she has spoken to her friend?

fancyanotherfez · 08/02/2015 22:51

If the partner doesn't want kids either, then there wouldn't be a problem with telling her, surely? She would just say 'great! I can come off the pill!' The issue is that she doesn't have enough information to make an informed decision. If he thinks she is deceiving him into getting pregnant, he has been responsible, and maybe he thinks that by doing this, its the only way to get the message across that he really doesn't want them. But he should still man up and tell her so she can go if she wants.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/02/2015 06:51

faire

the thing is that I have answered, I just don't see this as black and white like you do.

nippysweetie82 · 09/02/2015 12:56

My partner of 12 years years did this to me, he waited until I had gone on holiday on my own with the kids and he had a vasectomy behind my back. He told me nearly 2 years later, he didn't think he'd done anything wrong, he told me it was his body and his decision. I was more upset about the lies and the fact that he'd kept it from me for so long.
You should tell her op, she has a right to know.

Fairenuff · 09/02/2015 16:09

What about contraception during those two years nippy, were you still taking care of that?

differentnameforthis · 10/02/2015 06:30

I love how people are vilifying him with barely any information at all. So quick is the majority on MN to put the man down & see bad in all he does, that they forget that women are manipulative too.

1] we don't even know the full story, as it is being told via a third party (the op)
2] we have no idea what the friends relationship is like
3] for all we know the female friend could have told male friend that she is coming off her contraception & wants kids, regardless of what he wants/thinks/says
4] he may have found out that his partner has stopped taking precautions on the sly

A female in my family stopped taking her pill, and got pregnant. She waited until her by was about to dump her (around 20 weeks) to tell him, then tried to convince us all that she didn't know. They stayed together & he married her.

AuntieStella · 10/02/2015 06:36

I don't think people would disagree with you, differentnameforthis

But would still think he was utterly wrong, and had a bad attitude to her, for acting in secret

differentnameforthis · 10/02/2015 06:41

Which partly makes me think that he was playing her at her own game, auntie But as Boney said, we don't know what is happening here, mainly because the op is only supplying info that makes sure the MN majority vilify him, which they have done, quite beautifully! If this were MY friends, the first question would be "why in secret?" I certainly wouldn't be courting the opinion of a bunch of strangers about something that isn't even happening to me.

Wouldn't it be funny if his wife took a similar line, and went and got herself fertilised at a fertility clinic via a sperm donor, then presented it to him after the fact.

Wow right back...you really think that is in any way the same? Bringing a child into the world that has a big chance of being unwanted by one of its parents IS NOT the same as having a vasectomy!

It's is laughable that you think the two can be compared!

Good point Tatty. Suspect he'd feel very differently if the boot was on the other foot. Oh it really isn't a good point at all! Getting pregnant & bring a baby into the world, making someone a parent when they don't want to be is vastly different to someone making sure they can't get someone pregnant!

yellowdinosauragain · 10/02/2015 06:42

Differentname of course women are manipulative too. But surely you aren't suggesting that even if she had done the things you say that is reasonable for him to have a vasectomy in secret and in doing so potentially rob his girlfriend of the chance to ever have children?

I don't think anyone on here has said he's wrong to have a vasectomy if that's what he wants. That's totally and utterly his right. It's doing it in secret that is so abhorrent. And I'd say the same about a woman getting sterilised in secret, whatever her reasoning. Or about a woman deliberately stopping contraception without telling her partner.

Just as he has the absolute right to take control of and make decisions regarding his fertility, so she should have the right to knowledge about these decisions when they impact so strongly on her own right to make decisions regarding hers. It may be she's totally happy with this as she hasn't changed her mind regarding children. But then, why would it need to be a secret?

yellowdinosauragain · 10/02/2015 06:43

Cross posts. Auntie has managed to say the same as me in significantly fewer words!

yellowdinosauragain · 10/02/2015 06:46

If he's so concerned that she is about to take matters out of his hands then the reasonable actions of a decent man are to tell her that he has got a vasectomy and leave it up to her whether having children or staying with him is most important to her

scaevola · 10/02/2015 06:54

There's just as much 'vilification' every time someone suggests - based on nothing at all - that his DP has changed her mind and is pressuring or even tricking him into a pg.

But even if that invented scenario was true, it wouldn't justify the secrecy.

(No-one on the thread is disputing that it's his decision to have the op. The problem is with the secrecy).

Iggi999 · 10/02/2015 08:20

I don't see much of a gulf ethically between bringing a child into the world that might have a reluctant father, and through deceit ensuring a woman remains childless for life.

BrendaBlackhead · 10/02/2015 08:33

I agree with scaevola - it's the secrecy that's relevant. It is utterly his choice to have a vasectomy. I think the question of having a family is probably the most fundamental aspect of any serious relationship. The issue can't be fudged.

And people do change. I know at 25 the thought of children was ghastly to me. Well, perhaps not ghastly but they certainly weren't on the radar. So I may well have readily agreed with any dp that I didn't want children. A few years later and my nose was pressed on the window of the Mamas & Papas superstore. People change - particularly women as they get older.

I do know someone who got married and failed to tell her dh that she knew she had serious fertility issues. He was sympathetic at first when it all came out but the marriage broke up and one of the reasons was he said he had been deceived out of a family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2015 11:52

The only reason for any 'vilification' is the secrecy, not the vasectomy. He's sure of his choice, and he's taken steps to ensure he gets what he wants. But by keeping it secret from his partner, he could be ensuring she never gets what she wants. How is that anything but vilifiable? (Is that a word? Confused)

I will repeat what I posted upthread - I'm not sure I could ever trust a man who intended to keep this big a secret from me, when it could affect my life choices. Even if I was sure I didn't want children ever, I think I'd prefer to find someone else to not have children with.

And that's the only reason I can think of for him to keep it a secret - to stop her from walking. Vile motive.

nippysweetie82 · 10/02/2015 14:51

Faire, I just noticed your question. Yes we were using condoms but switched to withdrawal method further down the line. Another baby wouldn't have been the end of the world for us, or so I thought but by that time he'd obviously had a vasectomy. It wouldn't have been an issue if he'd just told me his intentions but that made me wonder what other secrets he'd been keeping. He's now my ex!

850Pro · 10/02/2015 15:12

His body, his choice......

What if she had gotten preg and decided she was going to have a termination and not tell him, would you all think that was wrong? or just her choice as it is her body?

Fairenuff · 10/02/2015 16:10

Interesting nippy that he was sorting out the contraception and pretended to continue doing so for nearly two years. I don't think I could cope with that level of deceit in my relationship.

It's odd in your case because you say it just didn't occur to him to tell you but it did occur to him to use the withdrawal method to dupe you into believing that there was still a risk of pregnancy.

I think I would lose respect for my partner if he lied continuously to me like that and it would probably signal the beginning of the end of the relationship. Everything changes when a person you trust lies to you imo. I'm not at all surprised that he is now your ex.

850Pro just in case you missed it, we all agree his body, his choice. That might have been mentioned a few hundred times Grin

fancyanotherfez · 10/02/2015 17:10

And actually, if she had got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him, it is her body, her choice. He wouldn't have the right to force her to carry a child against her will.

850Pro · 10/02/2015 17:12

Fairenuff,

But the point im making is that if a woman deciced to have a termination but doesn't want to tell her partner, does anyone else have the right to tell the woman's partner anyways? I dont think so, im the same way if he has chosen to do this and doesn't want to tell her that's up to him?

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