to not want my cm to talk about 'silly tantrums'

[mikado1]

I have a 2.5 yr old and we don't have a huge problem with tantrums, he is generally a happy little man and undrstands no means no etc. At times of course he is irrational and emotional as toddlers can be. My approach is that it is develoomental and something he's not yet in control of. I don't punish this 'behaviour', just waitvit out, empathise and give a hug if necessary. Gave cm a written description of our way of dealing with this when we started and asked for any feedback if there was a problem. No word until today lo says 'I had no silly tantrums in the playground today'-I asked him what that meant and he said sometimes he has a silly tantrum because he wants to go into the playground. I know it might be lightly said when it's over but am I BU to be a bit put out?? I don't see him expressing his feelings as negative and know that at mo he's just not capable of being calm while saying he's sad or whatever. .. I told him it wasn't silly and it's ok to be sad/angry.. he tokd me sge says 'stop that!'(v cross voice) :(

We are delighted with her and tbh on this one thing I won't be saying a thibg but do feel a bit disappointed. ..

I am a cm ..I can tell you I have a behaviour policy which will tell my parents how I deal with tantrums......

You are right Tantrums are a developmental sign, however when I have a group of children ready to go to the park or a school run to collect children I don't have a choice to let a tantrum run its course. Children do understand different houses different rules.. I try and replicate how things are done at home with things like toilet training but certain behaviours I cannot have 3 different approaches for different children..That is not to say I don't take into account when a child is tired under the weather...I can do painting with different pictures for different interests.

I would like to point out she is calling the behaviour silly not your child big difference....

When I meet a new parent I do discuss my approach and if parents are not comfortable to that I would suggest they find another CM...

You seem to be thanking everyone that agree's with you so I expect after all the comments you believe YANBU ..no matter what anyone says.

Your way of dealing with your child is fine. Parents have so many different methods of teaching their children about acceptable behaviour, there is no definitive right way, a lot depends on your child's age, understanding and temperament.

Your CM's way of dealing with your child was fine. Warning him that there are to be no silly tantrums is a clear way of saying that she won't stand for it, doesn't have time for it and that the behaviour is silly.

Children go through stages, true. But as parents it is our job to help them move on to the next stage. So tantrumming is usual in toddlers but learning to control their behaviour surrounding their emotions is a very valuable lesson to learn, as is picking your battles.

There is a massive jump from 'OP deals with tantrums by waiting them out and giving a hug' to 'OP mollycoddles child, lets them behave how they want and will have a nightmare on her hands in a few years!'

There is also a massive jump from 'CM tells toddler that behaviour is silly and to rein it in' to 'CM does not allow child to express feelings which will result in an adult who is emotionally stunted!'

I think what you have here is a happy medium.

Your son sounds like a normal 2.5yo, your childminder sounds sensible and caring and you sound like you are trying to do the best by your child.

To answer your OP, yes, YABU

You sound like a lovely mum but definitely a little PFB (not a knock, I've been there too!)

I can see where you are coming from when it comes to being kind toward his expression of emotion, and I admire that. However, there is a significant difference between emotions you wish to express, and emotions that have overpowered you (as in a tantrum).

I think feeling that your emotions have overpowered you is a frightening feeling, and the toddler themselves can feel shocked and out of control.
I believe that in this case, laughing it off as 'silly' is actually a good thing. It can kind of snap the child out of their own shock/fear regarding their own behaviour and make them realise it is not something serious and powerful (as it can feel) but something they can control (because they can control it, and need to learn this).

Mikado - another poster has mentioned this, but I think it is worth repeating:

The childminder called it a 'silly tantrum', which is very different to saying 'he was a silly boy, having a tantrum' - I have always believed it is a good thing to separate the bad behaviour from the child - ie. 'That's a naughty thing to do' rather than 'You are a naughty boy' - hate the sin and love the sinner, sort of thing.

It may actually be quite a positive approach, because it will help your son learn to differentiate himself from his behaviour, and that might help him learn to control his behaviour - something he is right at the beginning of learning.

I did have a slight chuckle when you mentioned 16-year-olds being able to control their behaviour and not have tantrums, though! I have three dses, aged 17, 19 and 21, and whilst the first two were relatively easy, in the teenage years, ds3 was an utter nightmare, and I despaired on a number of occasions, because he would have the most epic tantrums, over the most minor of things - but then I heard about a book called Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor, in which he says that, during adolescence, children's brains are actually changing, restructuring, and during that time they lose some of the abilities they previously had, around empathy and social behaviour - and this is why the teenage years can be so hard. Ds3 lost his ability to control his temper - there was plenty of diva behaviour and doorslamming, and I was called some very choice names.

One of the tantrums was because I refered to some arse-y behaviour on his part as him 'getting his head in a point' - something to which he took huge exception! That was definitely a silly tantrum!

They do grow out of it, once the restructuring of the brain has finished, and these lost abilities do return. Ds3 is now a reasonably acceptable social animal, is far more empathetic than he was a few years ago (when there were times I couldn't see us surviving until his 16th birthday), and the tantrums are largely a thing of the past - I do see the odd one start to bubble up, but he can control it now.

I forgot to say - I also think it is no bad thing that your ds is learning that different people will deal with his behaviour in different ways. As long as those ways are fair and kind, and effective, I think it is no bad thing that everyone isn't singing from exactly the same hymn sheet.

The world is full of different people with different approaches - the my house, my rules thing is so true - and we all have to learn that what might be acceptable in one place, is not in another. And there's the flip side - grandma might let us get away with more than mum will - and might be more willing to hand out sweets where mum might make us wait until after tea! Most people learn to adapt to different rules and mores in different settings, and this is going to help your son learn this important lesson.

Thanks all. I do take on board BU re op, and as you saw at end of that I was never going to say anything just wasn't mad about the description. I have thanked people, don't think youcan blame me for being glad of some support five pages in! But I had thanked all posters for responses previously. I currently have no real problem with tantrums at home, as I said, so am happy with that and understand the different scenario in cm's means they're possibly more likely. I do get what people are saying re distinction between feelings and behaviour and am well aware of it but didn't think when in a real tantrum that a 2yr old would be able to pull themselves back from that which was why I didn't expect it. I may ask cm if all ok, her feedback might be interesting. Thanks again all. Re my teaching capabilities, I have been teaching 11 years, have always had very positive rapports with parents and children and treat them all with great respect and expect the same. My classroom is a happy and productive environment where the children are at ease.

He has a tantrum and then you hug him. So you're validating his behaviour. He might not know how to control them now, but oh he will and if you continue in this way he will connect the dots: the reward he gets when he tantrums.

Op you son is a lucky lad.

He has an obviously caring and nice mummy and a calm sensible cm.

That's my take on it anyway.

I'm validating his feelings though. . Tbh if he needs a hug I am always happy to give him that so no need to tantrum for it. So far no dots have been joined, I promise I am on the look out as I am aware of that view (and can completely understand it). Let's see how it goes, I promise to report back, v honestly with how we go.

I'm validating his feelings though

No frusso, I said 'It's ok to be sad or angry, cm doesn't like you screaming and shouting.' I pick him up on shouting too at home, am not ok with that.

I think Frusso has it. Your CM sounds very wise to me. By giving the behaviour a name. "A silly tantrum" she is helping your DS to understand his feelings.

She is acknowledging the behaviour, and in doing so providing an opportunity for him to talk about his feelings and his behaviour.

For all your good intentions, by waiting the tantrum out then hugging him, you are the one who isn't giving his feelings space and it is your childminder who is being empathetic.

"It's ok to be sad or angry, cm doesn't like you screaming and shouting."
Well what on earth do you think the CM meant by a "silly tantrum" if not the screaming and shouting? She's not forbidding feelings is she?

(I don't understand what "validating feelings" is all about TBH, is that something that actually needs to happen? don't people including children feel that their feelings are valid anyway?)She's saying that screaming and shouting at something is a silly way to express them. I agree that your son sounded like he was proud of himself for having expressed himself calmly (a bit like when kids say "I peed in my potty!") and you spoilt it by confusing him.

MrsDeVere is spot on as well. too much in it for him to stop.

What I wonder is, do you really think children progress through these developmental stages all on their own? it's just an automatic thing? Because surely the main reason children who tantrum grow out of it is because they realise that it's pointless and counterproductive because it alienates people. This comes from not giving in (which you're doing) but also - crucially - making it clear that tantrumming is not a nice thing to be around, which you're NOT doing.

OP your comment hoping my son has problems

Eh? How you can you possibly infer that from what I said?!

Your son will get told off at some point in school. He'll be doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. No big deal. He won't 'have problems' as you put it. All I meant was that when he comes home from school and tells you about it, I don't think you'll like whatever his teacher said to him.

There is no way in the world that I would wish ill upon a child!

Actually, I think they learn by copying the behaviour they see around them first and foremost.

The last study in this article seems to agree. (Nothing to do with tantrums, but just wanted to make the point that often what kids see us doing can have more of an effect than what we tell them to do...)

I think there's a big difference between OP's approach and indulging tantrums.

Giving a hug after the tantrum is over isn't rewarding the tantrum, if anything it's rewarding the child for managing to calm down. Though actually not really in our house as hugs are available on tap any time, they don't need to tantrum to get one!

The sort of parenting that results in brats is like I saw from another family who I'd previously thought were in tune with our gentle parenting approach. (for want of a better description). Toddler throws tantrum about leaving soft play. Adult sympathises with tantrum and lets child stay in soft play for another half hour. That sort of thing gives gentle parenting a bad name. I'd have bundled them out with a sympathetic "I know you don't want to leave but it's time" and moved on to the next thing. What have they gained from tantrumming there?

I am tempted to ask if people think the telling off approach has been effective as the child has obviously been repeatedly throwing tantrums about the same thing. Which I've never had with the sympathise and explain approach. But don't think that's fair either as personality comes into play too. Perhaps I'm just lucky and have rational kids. But for those who insist you have to tell them off or they turn up at school out of control, I can assure you my older one has had no issues. (Beyond barely opening his mouth, but I don't think you can put that down to not enough telling off!)

It's easy to tell parents of 2 yr olds how it's all going to end badly. You can't know that. I find it quite amusing that on other forums I've also had hard core "unconditional parenting" enthusiasts tell me my children are going to turn out badly. Apparently they're going to turn out doormats and potential abuse victims (sic ) because I have the temerity to have rules and insist on compliance with them.

YANU.

Your child minder sounds great. Your DS is lucky to be cared for by someone who knows how to handle 2yos.

Well I'm a cm and I'm very careful about how I choose my words to the parents. I won't use the word "silly" even if I feel it's true. Parents are tired after work and are super sensitive to any negative feedback. I'd say something like "well fred kicked off because he wanted more biscuits but he was fine because I didn't take much notice". So op as a cm realise how we have to be respectful because you're the parent. Tantrums are natural at this age and I find ignoring the behaviour best.

Except it's not what she said to the parent in this case, biggles, it's what she said to the child. And what she didn't say to the parent in that she didn't explain her behaviour management strategy when the OP by the sounds of it explicitly asked. If the CM had said at the start "well I deal with tantrums by telling the child off" then OP could have decided if that was a deal breaker for her or not.