to not want my cm to talk about 'silly tantrums'

[mikado1]

I have a 2.5 yr old and we don't have a huge problem with tantrums, he is generally a happy little man and undrstands no means no etc. At times of course he is irrational and emotional as toddlers can be. My approach is that it is develoomental and something he's not yet in control of. I don't punish this 'behaviour', just waitvit out, empathise and give a hug if necessary. Gave cm a written description of our way of dealing with this when we started and asked for any feedback if there was a problem. No word until today lo says 'I had no silly tantrums in the playground today'-I asked him what that meant and he said sometimes he has a silly tantrum because he wants to go into the playground. I know it might be lightly said when it's over but am I BU to be a bit put out?? I don't see him expressing his feelings as negative and know that at mo he's just not capable of being calm while saying he's sad or whatever. .. I told him it wasn't silly and it's ok to be sad/angry.. he tokd me sge says 'stop that!'(v cross voice) :(

We are delighted with her and tbh on this one thing I won't be saying a thibg but do feel a bit disappointed. ..

Well there you go then! There's no hope for us. Bet she doesn't do it in school tho.

I agree, OP. It's probably not worth dwelling on it wrt the cm, but your approach is very similar to mine and I can see why it made you uncomfortable.

You sound like a terrific mum to me. You are setting boundaries for your child, accepting his emotions without giving in to them and setting a great example which will help him with his emotional regulation.

Reading this thread makes we wonder how the hell I have managed to raise 2 relatively well adjusted children. All this talk of "modelling respect" "written statement" and "moving on developmentally" etc, do people actually sit down and plan this stuff out? and then go on to write a policy on it

Personally I have taken a simpler approach - child misbehaves, child told off, move on. Does it really need to be more complicated than that?

Children learn boundaries as they learn what behaviour we, the responsible adults, find acceptable. They grow older. They learn. I have yet to feel the need to write a statement about it.

I love you mummybare

Strike out fail

The 'statement' was part of a daily routine I wrote down. Because of his age I thought I would let her know what we do and what he's used to so we'd all be on same page. Nothing deeper than that about it.

Of course at 2.5 he can be told to stop it. At 18 months perhaps less so but they need to start learning when they can understand. Yabu and precious my dd is 2.3 and she will be told to stop being silly on occasion.

Ha, thanks mikado1, but I warn you, PFB is still a preschooler and DC2 is only 5 months so there's still plenty of time for the shit to hit the fan

I wonder whether all this emotion regulation bullshit is the reason children in the UK are among the most unhappy in Europe/the world.

OP I largely agree with you on tantrums. I would regard myself as pretty strict, because I am, but toddler tantrums are the irrational bumblings of admittedly not all 2-3 year olds. Communication frustration and lack of emotional awareness mean that they have zero skills at dealing with calamity situations so the outbursts follow from that.

DS threw the most unmerciful tantrum earlier, they are extremely rare and all to do with someone interfering with his food because DH had the outright temerity to cut off a bruise from an apple he wanted to eat and no one, no one touches his food, think Joey from friends. Yes we could have put him on the naughty step or a multitude of other possible behaviourist options but frankly we looked at him with bemused looks a couple of times and then let him get on with it. He would have learned nothing from discipline at this time because he was too busy being distraught with the crime against his food. He is just 3, he certainly was not going to be engaged in a rational discussion or discipline. He will grow out of it and he will learn to communicate, his speech is currently very poor and he will learn to control his emotions. He is not PFB. He is with a cm, he has been minded by others, he gets in great with them and he is not some antisocial demon that teachers will curse.

Or is it the, much more prevalent, just tell them to stop ot approach to emotions maybe?

"Emotion regulation bullshit"

Hear hear anothernumberone!

It's not exactly discipline though is it? No naughty step or telling off or being punished, simply reminded not to be silly about the park.

Mme , the thing is the toddler years are the prime time to start modelling and teaching emotion regulation and acceptable behaviour. Just because they can't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't be starting to help them learn. Scaffolding learning in this way is key. Prosocial behaviour is leant, there are lots you could be doing now (other than hugging/ignoring)

I am split. I understand where the OP is coming from and think this sounds like a more positive approach. I also think the replies are common sense and there is a danger of confusing the child with the OPs approach and not being clear about expectations when they have a tantrum/ not preparing for the wider world.

I'm about to become a parent and work in child development so finding this thread very interesting as I begin to think what sort of parenting approach I'm going to adopt. I think strict parents who never provide an explanation for their decisions confuse and frustrate the child - and risk not having a close, trusted relationship with their child as a result (which is quite sad).

I live in a block of flats along with a number of (lovely) families who have pre-schoolers. We witness at least one tantrum a day from one of the children. Most of the parents seem to deal with it in a very strict way - saying no, telling them to stop the tantrum and 'come on' etc. It doesn't seem to work very well and the children are all stomping up the stairs, crying, banging. As an outside observer, the parents' reactions often make the situation worse. Would the OP's suggested approach prove to be a better way?

I can imagine children have more respect for a CM because they are NOT their parent and would follow their instructions with less protest. Children know they can test the boundaries with a parent and they will still love them so they will test.

isn't it going to be a little confusing when you decide his tantrums are no longer age appropriate and instead of hugging and appeasing empathising you tell him to shut up?

Also if you use a CM then you delegate discipline to her as a professional childcarer.She has other mindees she has to treat them the same.

OP I have worked in child & adolescent mental health & these ladies on here are right....

You do not rationalise with a young child. They do something because you have asked them to. End of.

When my DD had tantrums I used to put her on a naughty spot where she tantrummed away on her own and could not come off until she learned to behave around people.

Do not fall into the trap of reinforcing negative behaviour.

OP I agree with you. Certainly no PFB in my case, I've got five children ranging in age from 18 years to 16 months. I wouldn't like the term 'silly' used as I think it's important that my children learn that their feelings will be taken seriously. What might seem silly to is as adults can be a huge deal to them. In the same way a teen splitting with their girl or boyfriend might seem like the end of the world to them, but as adults we can be pretty sure they' get over it. I also deal with any tantrums by reasonng and cuddles if needed.

None of my children seem to have continued tantrums past toddlerhood and none appear to be monsters or spoiled beyond all belief, so I wouldn't worry too much.

I'm assuming 'empathising' is more along the lines of "Yes, it's hard when you were enjoying playing in the park and you don't want to leave" and then continuing to leave? Then not giving attention to the tantrum? Rather than all the attention from "no, tantrums are silly, you need to stop that now!". Standard advice for tantrums really.

OP unless you're in psychology/psychiatry like I am , I must tell you are so wrong .

Men who are inadequate and throw tantrums don't do it because they weren't allowed to tantrum as a child.

It's exactly the opposite.

They do it because they have been over indulged by their mother -believe me - within male psych wards we see this week in week out, from 17 year old teens to 60 year old men.

Blessed, what part of "no means no" and the OP's response to tantrums being "no punishment, no reward, move on" result in being so-called over-indulged?

Blessed I am not involved in either psychiatry or psychology, do you do both? I would love to have a link to the research that backs up your assertions. Frankly it sounds pretty outrageous to link the ops question here to a possible need for a psych ward for her DS in the future.

Aalya go back and read the opening statement .

Hugging out a tantrum IS providing the toddler a secondary gain for their behaviour. Which will reinforce tantrums, confuse the child and yes it is "over indulging" them - & yes if this type of parenting becomes a pattern it does produce adults with some real personality difficulties.