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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my cm to talk about 'silly tantrums'

196 replies

mikado1 · 03/02/2015 19:15

I have a 2.5 yr old and we don't have a huge problem with tantrums, he is generally a happy little man and undrstands no means no etc. At times of course he is irrational and emotional as toddlers can be. My approach is that it is develoomental and something he's not yet in control of. I don't punish this 'behaviour', just waitvit out, empathise and give a hug if necessary. Gave cm a written description of our way of dealing with this when we started and asked for any feedback if there was a problem. No word until today lo says 'I had no silly tantrums in the playground today'-I asked him what that meant and he said sometimes he has a silly tantrum because he wants to go into the playground. I know it might be lightly said when it's over but am I BU to be a bit put out?? I don't see him expressing his feelings as negative and know that at mo he's just not capable of being calm while saying he's sad or whatever. .. I told him it wasn't silly and it's ok to be sad/angry.. he tokd me sge says 'stop that!'(v cross voice) :(

We are delighted with her and tbh on this one thing I won't be saying a thibg but do feel a bit disappointed. ..

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 03/02/2015 19:51

he does not kick off at every little thing and does have boundaries aaarrrggh!!!!

And now he's learning a new one. Mummy thinks tantrums are legitimate way to fully realise and express the scope of your emotions, nobody else agrees.

We all need to learn to adapt our behaviour to our situation.

Madamecastafiore · 03/02/2015 19:52

At 2.5 i'd be telling him to stop his silly tantrum and tell me what he wants because teaching him that he will be listened to if he appropriately expresses himself is how you help a child grow rather than waiting until they exhaust themselves with a tantrum.

Note: none of my kids find expressing themselves difficult.

lljkk · 03/02/2015 19:53

My 15yo has right silly tantrums. Can't find his hoody because he dropped it somewhere Can't find his rucksack underneath table in his sparse room Can't get paper round done because he chose a long lie in instead until the rain started

adsy · 03/02/2015 19:54

Oh, and I quite often handover my little ones with remarks like " she's been a right stroppy so and so all day" bet you wouldn't like that either! Grin

DoJo · 03/02/2015 19:54

But I don't tell him to stop because I know he can't control his emotions

But he CAN learn to control his behaviour.

fluffyraggies · 03/02/2015 19:56

But having a tantrum is not just 'expressing feelings'. A tantrum shows that feelings have taken control and the child needs to learn that that is not ok. It gets less ok as they get older. Why wait till school age to teach that?

Imagine a class of 30 kids in Yr1 all 'expressing their feelings' at once over having to do something a bit unpopular. A teacher cant pick them all up and ''off we go''.

ChippingInLatteLover · 03/02/2015 19:58

You might want to get your keyboard checked out, it keeps missing letters out of words.

There's nothing wrong with what the CM said or did. You cannot control the 'outside world', your DS will hear far worse as he's growing up. You do it your way, they'll do it their way. He'll be fine.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 03/02/2015 20:00

Grin Invisible crown Grin. I have one of those 16 yo's too....

Fun aren't they??? Wink

kitchensinkmum · 03/02/2015 20:00

I think you should commend your CM for teaching your child how to behave. Obviously he was proud of himself for not having a silly tantrum and from this will learn how to communicate his feeling verbally and to compromise. Nobody want a badly behaved out of control child acting up in a public place. Sorry but you are being very unreasonable. You may love your child but unless others can love him too his life will be miserable

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 03/02/2015 20:01

I agree with pp in that what is ok now, will not be ok when he is bigger.
I work in child care and currently have siblings who were allowed to keep 'expressing themselves' and now i, the school and the parents are having to work really hard with these children. The parents have no control and the mum confessed to me that they have been on the verge of splitting up due to the stress.

We are slowly getting there with them but its taken a hell of a lot of time and attention from everybody. Most of this could have been avoided if the parents had put in the groundwork when they were younger.

I know this is an extreme case, but it is heartbreaking to watch this family being eroded by it. Your child wont be traumatised by being told to stop being silly.

Enb76 · 03/02/2015 20:01

Mikado, I'm with you. I always rode out the tantrums but never gave in to them which is what I think you do and didn't try to stop them or say they were silly. I now have a confident little 6 year old who gets over life's upsets very quickly. She has an occassional meltdown when tired or hungry.

However, the words coming from a CM won't affect him very much in the long term and certainly won't repress him. That sort of damage comes from parents. It's the stuff you say that matters. I'd let this go. It's not a bad thing that he learns that different people have different tolerances.

Original poster
mikado1 · 03/02/2015 20:01

Sorry adsy disagree there it is a cclear no, I just let him know he'll see it again. It's not a big chat, it's v brief. Funny enough he is a child that will come back to a comment about that later-'let's play with my trainset now'..

Of course tantrums seem silly to us but obv not to (irrational) toddlers-just think it's kinda crap telling them something is silly when it's just the age they're at..

OP posts:
kitchensinkmum · 03/02/2015 20:02

I know plenty of grown up men who have mini silly tantrums regularly . They obviously didn't get the right guidance when they were 2:5 years old

kitchensinkmum · 03/02/2015 20:03

Not all toddlers tantrum tho, it's not compulsory .

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 20:04

I agree addy, at that age a 2 year old needs immediate action and consequence, they generally do not understand that until they are older.

pinkyredrose · 03/02/2015 20:06

Fucking LOL at empathising with tantrums and giving childminder written instructions on how to deal with them! Do people like you really exist?!

Fabulous46 · 03/02/2015 20:06

A 16yr old can I hope

Come back when he's 16 and let us know OP. Before that let us know how he copes when he starts school. Are you going to be "ruffled" if a teacher tells you he won't listen to instruction in class? It's all good and well you only dealing with one child. When that child is is in a class of 30 other kids it's a full new ball game. His "tantrums" will not be tolerated then, nor will he be wrapped in cotton wool!

KatieKaye · 03/02/2015 20:07

excellent thread.
No child ever had a rational tantrum, OP. Just follow the excellent example your CM is giving, because your DS knows throwing a hissy fit doesn't work with her. Sounds like she's found the key to dealing effectively with him - and that benefits your DS, as he's not getting all het up over nothing.

googoodolly · 03/02/2015 20:09

But they need to LEARN that they're silly, and they're not going to learn if you don't tell them. What can be handled by "riding it out" at 2.5 can't be dealt with the same way when they're in school at 5.

And as for teenagers being able to control their emotions - ha! I vividly remember having some MAJOR tantrums at 16 over the most ridiculous things - one being a tennis racket, another being over being told to turn the light off. Teenagers are just as irrational as toddlers and you cannot just pick them up and remove them from the situation like you can with a 2 year old. You NEED to get the boundaries in now.

kitchensinkmum · 03/02/2015 20:09

The OP won't listen will she. She thinks it's fine for her child to have a paddy whack when ever he likes .

Tisiphone · 03/02/2015 20:10

I don't disagree with you, Mikado, and I wouldn't be wildly impressed at a tantrum being characterised as 'silly', but I think you need to acknowledge that a childminder simply doesn't have the 1:1 time to spend on dealing with a tantrum that a parent of one does. I'm very happy with my 2.10 year old's calm, competent childminder, and she's extremely respectful of the way I do things, but I am aware that she has to deal with behaviours differently, when she's wrangling a bunch of toddlers. But I think DS grasps that things are different at the CM's vs at home.

cosmicboy · 03/02/2015 20:10

I work in foundation, and have done for many many years. One of our biggest problems these days is 'pfb school starters' The poor kids are literally blown away by the idea that they may be wrong at times. Believe me, 4 years old who previously believed that tantrums are a form of expression to be dealt with only with empathy, are hugely dysfunctional, struggle to bond with peers and sadly find settling at ft school hugely challenging. Sorry if I sound harsh but this type of parenting, which I appreciate is very well meaning is a bugger for everyone else to deal with!

monkeyfacegrace · 03/02/2015 20:10

I have tantrums. I'm 28.

I tell my kids they are being silly, because they are being silly. Letting them express themselves my arse.

Littlefish · 03/02/2015 20:11

Every single person on this thread has told you that you are being unreasonable, mikado and yet you continue to insist that you are being reasonable.

This should tell you something.

Original poster
mikado1 · 03/02/2015 20:12

Thanks enb76!! (Although I will admit after all other posts I read yours three times in case you were being sarcastic!!!)

It's v frustrating that people think he's an 'out of control child'-he's really not and his calmness is often remarked on but no one wants to hear that!!! He is also v empathetic himself to anyone he sees upset/hurt..

However I will certainly take on board opinions re cm's dealing with things, as I say she's fantastic. And I will talk to him about what he can do instead of crying.. I say again I believe a lot of those men that have tantrums were not allowed 'this behaviour' as children...saying stop not always the best approach.

(I promise to report back on my 5yo's behaviour, either way, in 3 yrs time! !!

OP posts: