to not want my cm to talk about 'silly tantrums'

[mikado1]

I have a 2.5 yr old and we don't have a huge problem with tantrums, he is generally a happy little man and undrstands no means no etc. At times of course he is irrational and emotional as toddlers can be. My approach is that it is develoomental and something he's not yet in control of. I don't punish this 'behaviour', just waitvit out, empathise and give a hug if necessary. Gave cm a written description of our way of dealing with this when we started and asked for any feedback if there was a problem. No word until today lo says 'I had no silly tantrums in the playground today'-I asked him what that meant and he said sometimes he has a silly tantrum because he wants to go into the playground. I know it might be lightly said when it's over but am I BU to be a bit put out?? I don't see him expressing his feelings as negative and know that at mo he's just not capable of being calm while saying he's sad or whatever. .. I told him it wasn't silly and it's ok to be sad/angry.. he tokd me sge says 'stop that!'(v cross voice) :(

We are delighted with her and tbh on this one thing I won't be saying a thibg but do feel a bit disappointed. ..

Mikado - If you don't put a stop to tantrums now, he's going to be the type of kid at school who prevents others from learning.

Sorry OP but tantrums are silly and in my experience ( and I have a lot, believe me) a tantrumming toddler will listen to nothing but a stern no. you simply can't reason with them / get them to express feelings. They're beyond that once they are tantrumming ( most 2 year olds are beyond reasoning with at the best of times!)

YAVVVVVU OP. He's 2.5, that's pretty close to 3. He needs to learn that, there are times when his 'expressions' are not appropriate, justified, your CM is doing this in an age appropriate way! Can you imagine what the poor woman must feel dealing with multiple 'expressive' whiny, crotchety and willful toddlers all day? I'm a WAHM to 2, pg with #3 and the thought of it makes my teeth itch!

Nobody has said he is an out of control child. You are reading things that aren't there.

What we are collectively saying is that if you continue responding the way you do, you will end up with a bloody hard to like child.

Hth.

My PFB had no routine when he first went to his cm at 6 months as he was EBF on demand and slept whenever he liked. She asked for his routine so I literally invented one which seemed sensible. He was in it the first day without a murmur and loves her to bits. I love cms for their boundaries and the help they give ridiculous mums of PFB (me) in looking after their children!

Isn't it about what's developmentally appropriate? By the time they start school most children are more developmentally advanced than toddlers, so that whole argument doesn't persuade me. I don't much like the idea of a toddler's tantrums being described as 'silly'; but then I wouldn't much like the idea of a 15 year-old's tantrums being described as 'silly' either.

Well if I am reading this right, your son is growing up and he is proud of himself for walking past the park and accepting his childminder's ruling that there wasn't time to go to the swings today. I would guess that she has said something like "well done PFB, thank you for being a big boy and walking past the swings without having a silly tantrum". Which is good positive reinforcement for good behaviour, surely?

It sounds like you have a capable and experienced childminder who knows how to be firm and head a tantrum off at the pass, although I agree that once a 2 year old child goes off the deep end and beyond reason they need calm patience and a hug. So yup, YABU

And I will talk to him about what he can do instead of crying
no no no. don't waste your time. a toddler does NOT think like a grown up. you can sit him down and have a grown up conversation with him, and he'll say yes mummy then behave exactly how he wants when he wants to because he's a toddler. you can only deal with the behaviour as it occurs, not pre empt it.
Unless of course ( and this is a wild guess) he's very bright and mature for his age?/)

Azquilith absolutely!

My cm is a loveable dragon

After we've been on holiday, when DS is all up the spout with his naps, won't go bed and will refuse to eat anything except chocolate buttons, I'm all "oh thank god he's back at the cm on Monday. He'll be all ironed out by Tuesday..."

And he is.

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate your responses. I am listening kitchensink but am simply responding with my opinion, allowedI presume?! I am a teacher myself and am v aware of importance of appropriate behaviour but also of developmental stages. .. I do appreciate things different in minder's too. I am pretty sensitive myself, as a person and to others, and I am sure that is playing a part in my approach..

Believe me the children in his class or his future teacher won't be so sympathetic to his tantrums so it's up to you to put boundaries in place now.

YABU

I do remember that once I had 3 children under give they all had to behave. They just had to. Otherwise we would never have hot out of the door. And tantrums spoil it for the other children.

Yy sorcha, that is my thinking too. I will not be ok with tantrums at 4/5!!!

Sorry adsy I mean talk at the time about it.. I would say he's very sharp and articulate-bright? Who knows but he understands a lot, likes talking through things.

I will also add I would call them hissy fitsrather than full on tantrums-my dn went through a year of daily distress tantrums-that were dealt with similarly, no reward, no punishment, move on (how this is so incredibly precious I don't know but I think it's more expecting cm to do same?) Anyway, she is a fabulous non-tantruming 5.5yo now..

It's v frustrating that people think he's an 'out of control child'

I haven't seen anyone say he's out of control, just that if you fail to help him learn about managing his own behaviour and what is/is not appropriate he could easily become difficult to control. Like other posters, I've seen the results of poorly disciplined children whose behaviour is not effectively managed from toddlerhood, and it's not good.

He's all cute and lovely now and yes, tantrums are part of the expected now but they are a signal that it's time to start getting into managing expectations and how to interact with others in an acceptable way.

if your toddler has a tantrum, then during that tantrum he is definitely out of control, OP. Don't kid yourself about that. He might not be out of control all of the time, but he is during these tantrums.

Your CM's approach has led your DS to be able to control his emotions in a more appropriate manner and also to reflect on this achievement. That's pretty great and the result is a happier child who isn't screaming blue murder but who is also learning what is appropriate behaviour.

And yes, all tantrums are silly. A tantrum is an irrational, over the top response. Silly is a very mild way of describing it, but appropriate when talking to a child and discouraging them from kicking off. Learning to control yourself does not mean that any child (male or female, OP - I do not agree with your ascribing this only to men) is going to be emotionally frigid. there is a happy medium that most people manage to strike between indulged child who is empathised with and an emotionally stunted child who is cowering in fear.

Poor Mikado. Once I'd read the OP I was laying bets how long until the "PFB" was brought out!

I am with all those who think your CM sounds fine, and that you don't need to worry about different approaches. And whilst I get where you're coming from with the word silly, I don't think it's going to do him any damage at all in feeling that HIS feelings aren't valid.

All that said, I'm going to defend your approach too though
I'm the proud owner of a PFB. And wasn't able to have another (damn you PCOS and damn you cheating XH!) so I've had the fun of not having to address my approach when a second child makes demands.

On the specific incident of being told they can have a toy when they get home... At 2.5 my daughter would be happy with that AND remember it. And even if she didn't, it's a good distraction. I totally agree that rewards and punishments should be kept in time with behaviour, but I think it's fine to say "you can have it later" when it's a fact to reassure, not punish or reward.

I have had the time to "wait out" tantrums - or rather, talk them through. Although sometimes the storm has to pass first! All children are different and I got lucky with a mostly calm, accepting one. I'll go through hell with a teenager I expect, we all get it sometime!

I do think that my parenting is calm and that helps. BUT - maybe that's 1%. 95% of her calmness is luck. 4% is not having the trigger of a sibling

I think the OP and I have had a similar approach with tantrums. They were few and far between for us, and at 6 years old now, she understands and accepts boundaries and is polite and well behaved.

So much comes down to the child you have. I just wanted to be a voice saying that what some see as wishy washy hippy drippy parenting actual DOESN'T always lead to the disintegration of civilisation, one child at a time

Aren't most tantrums silly!?
Today's memorable ones from my 26 month old mindee include
Red socks. Not blue
Square sandwiches
Green cup. Not red
Cold snow
Round shape won't fit in square hole
A noisy fire engine passing us in the street
A too bright light
And I could go on...
It's all about being 2 and a tiny bit. All began with the typical chuck myself on the floor and wail. Ended with a cuddle. In between I told him he was being a bit silly! The phrase 'don't be a silly sausage' regularly makes him laugh out of a tantrum.

I wrote 'grotbag' in his daily diary!

I hope his mum thinks I am a loveable dragon.

She's just text 'grotbag in bed by 6 don't know how you do it!' So I'm doing something right!

My DS had 3 kids in his class who had teachers for mums. They were the naughtiest children in the class and each year, each separate class teacher expressed the same opinion.

Try not to overthink things, my dear, and just focus on bringing up your child with a healthy respect for authority.

It's fine to give your child a the time in the world to get over his tantrums when he is in your care. And there are no other children.

In group care it's different. Perhaps your CM has a schedule. He HAS to fit in . He HAS to do as he is told because it's not all about him.

I think you need to trust your CM to care fir your son and keep him safe - but you must realise she has responsibility for other children too.

Helping children to understand their emotions is a far more effective tool than simply saying 'stop crying' or 'calm down' although i know I've done this myself. It doesn't mean pandering to a child but acknowledging their feelings calmly (so I agree- calling them silly is not helpful) will in the long term help them regulate their emotions. It can be a case of 'I know you're sad you can't have x but we need to go home now'. I'm working on a child psychology module for my degree so yes maybe easier to say than do but i do have 4 children to practise on

I am pretty sensitive myself, as a person and to others

I've never heard anyone brag about being insensitive, Mikado.

Being sensitive (literally and figuratively) is a rather common trait. You might even call it universal. We all have out Achilles heel, our weak spot. We are all ultimately fragile and vulnerable. Some people just disguise it better than others. Really, you aren't unique or special because you care about other people - you are just normal.

However, the very fact of being sensitive to others can also mean that rather than empathising with tantrums you take a more pragmatic approach that enables the child not to get to the point of kicking off. That is actually more humane, as it avoids your child getting to the point that he is so upset he is screaming and bawling.

But difficult to enforce ideals on other people I agree.

But apocalypsetgen you comment on 'poorly disciplined' child, that's what I mean, he isn't one!!! He is not allowed free reign and as I have repeatedly say no means no in this house. I just see tantrums as separate to this-it's actually the same way of thinking as tge baby whisperer which would have thought v mainstream!!
Katiekaye I meant he's not an out of control child in general as people seemed to be intimating with their talk of other undisciplined children and the nightmare ahead for him in school. .
Re men being repressed, that comment was in response to kitchensink saying she knew grown men who have tantrums, wasn't sexist!!

I think you need to separate the behaviour from the emotions - I think we have all acknowledged that children at this age cannot control their emotions, but they NEED to learn appropriate ways of expressing them.