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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my cm to talk about 'silly tantrums'

196 replies

mikado1 · 03/02/2015 19:15

I have a 2.5 yr old and we don't have a huge problem with tantrums, he is generally a happy little man and undrstands no means no etc. At times of course he is irrational and emotional as toddlers can be. My approach is that it is develoomental and something he's not yet in control of. I don't punish this 'behaviour', just waitvit out, empathise and give a hug if necessary. Gave cm a written description of our way of dealing with this when we started and asked for any feedback if there was a problem. No word until today lo says 'I had no silly tantrums in the playground today'-I asked him what that meant and he said sometimes he has a silly tantrum because he wants to go into the playground. I know it might be lightly said when it's over but am I BU to be a bit put out?? I don't see him expressing his feelings as negative and know that at mo he's just not capable of being calm while saying he's sad or whatever. .. I told him it wasn't silly and it's ok to be sad/angry.. he tokd me sge says 'stop that!'(v cross voice) :(

We are delighted with her and tbh on this one thing I won't be saying a thibg but do feel a bit disappointed. ..

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 03/02/2015 19:37
Hmm Sounds a bit hippy-drippy to me
adsy · 03/02/2015 19:37

YABU and will end up with a stroppy ill behaved child

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 19:38

Very very pfb thread. All this expressing feelings, and feeling sad nonsense. Op he is little, he is testing the waters, you need to put boundaries in place, because when he goes to pre school/school they will not indulge him like you are doing.

Tobyjugg · 03/02/2015 19:39

YABU. Who are you to dictate how your cm expresses themself?

DoJo · 03/02/2015 19:39

I don't think there is an inherent contradiction between what you do and what she is doing - it's ok for him to feel cross and sad, but he needs to learn to manage his response to those emotions, and somebody has to teach him to do it. Being sad that you can't go to the playground is ok, but a tantrum that impedes on everyone else's day isn't. You're right - they cannot control it at this age, but that's why we teach them to.

The whole point of tantrums is that they are over silly stuff - if a child is hit by another or has a toy snatched from them and gets upset, that's one thing, but kicking off about any of the millions of things that can set a toddler off is silly and needs to be treated as such. Otherwise how will he distinguish between things that are serious and those which don't warrant a dramatic response?

dashoflime · 03/02/2015 19:40

You would hate my cm op! She once wrote in his actual record book "Babylime has been a wee toerag all day. But it is all part of growing up"

MariosYoshi · 03/02/2015 19:41

As kindly as possible I think yab slightly u, my dd has asd and since before 1 has been able to throw some epic tantrums, before I knew her diagnosis I used to hold her and wait it out if we was in public/put her in her pushchair and ignore until done etc and I am fairly sure I have told her to stop the silly behaviour on more than one occassion.

Since having her diagnosis I spend a lot of time labelling her feelings for her, to enable her to recognise them and whilst she is taught that expressing her feelings is okay and natural she is taught there are appropriate ways of doing so and inappropriate ways of doing so and I will only respond to the appropriate way of expression as that is the way we deal with problems/upset/anger.

invisiblecrown · 03/02/2015 19:41

Cracking thread Grin

adsy · 03/02/2015 19:42

As a CM I often have parents amazed at how beautifully their children behave with me as opposed to with them. You know why? Because I have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with "silly tantrums" and a 2 year old will get a short shrift " stop being so silly" from me. After a couple of days, hey presto, far fewer silly tantrums.
Obviously I'm hindering the little men from expressing their feelings though.

dougierose · 03/02/2015 19:42

DoJo EXACTLY!!!!

My SIL doesn't give her PFB any boundaries at all and he has already been suspended from nursery for hitting another child with a wooden toy.

I expect she complained that the toy gave her PFB a splinter.

dougierose · 03/02/2015 19:45

Me again. This thread has really got me going.

When my DS was 3, he was in a group with a v cute little boy who had Downs Syndrome. His mum was vvvvvv strict with him. Why? She was always happy to say that "What is cute at 3 is NOT cute at 30."

Original poster
mikado1 · 03/02/2015 19:45

Oh gosh!!! I have to first of all be v clear-he absolutely has boundaries-not punishing/scolding after tantrums does not equal no boundaries in general. I am very firm. He knows eg he cannot take trainset to cm (eg pp gave) and if he tantrums I just say 'I know you're disappointed you'll see it when you get home' end of. I pick him up if necessary and off we go. But I don't tell him to stop because I know he can't control his emotions (A 16yr old can I hope!!!) and funny enough he is over it by time he's in his car seat and off we go no stress or bad feeling. . Is this really so precious? !!! (Yes he is pfb!!!)

As a pp said I wouldn't mind it being ignored and have no problem with not being allowed do whatever-on a trip to shops the other day I must have said no/not today/I won't let you ten times and every one was accepted without question, this is not an indulged child who gets it all their way-but I am v mindful of his emotional development and want him to be able to share his feelings growing up-something dp finds near impossible aftera childhood of 'none of that nonsense' when he was upset. Funny enough, he doesn't have great control of his emotions now. ..
Think it's the word 'silly' that ruffled me.

OP posts:
suboptimal · 03/02/2015 19:45

You are being very, very pfb.

You gave the cm a written statement detailing how you deal with tantrums? I bet her face was a picture Smile

MrsTawdry · 03/02/2015 19:45

Poor Mikado. Grin OP...it might seem hard but your DS won't melt or be damaged by the CM's words...not as you describe them.

He will have a terrible time if you coat him in this much cotton wool when he begins school!

beatofthedrum · 03/02/2015 19:46

I agree, very enjoyable threadSmile

lljkk · 03/02/2015 19:47

Snurk @ Feckless.
Um,he is sharing his feelings (and opinions). And CM has shared her feeling & opinions.

Of course he should be coaxed into trying to master his emotions a bit. Confused

CarlaVeloso · 03/02/2015 19:48

Would you rather she said "mother-fucking meltdown"? Because that's probably what it was. She was being nice.

Original poster
mikado1 · 03/02/2015 19:48

I missed a few there-pls read my posts-he does not kick off at every little thing and does have boundaries aaarrrggh!!!! Appreciate responses and differences of opinion but pls don't paint a picture of a v different child! !

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 03/02/2015 19:48

YABU she is doing her job as she feels fit too, its what you pay her to do.
Sometimes it might not be how you would do it but she is the professional.

invisiblecrown · 03/02/2015 19:49

he can't control his emotions (A 16yr old can I hope!!!)

Hahahahaaa. You've no idea!

WD41 · 03/02/2015 19:50

Yanbu. He should be allowed to express his emotions, and the CM should wait it out with him, even if that means ignoring her other charges.

Or maybe not

Viviennemary · 03/02/2015 19:50

I think the CM sounds really sensible by talking to your son in this way. Come on no silly tantrums. And it seemed to have worked because he told you he didn't have any.

dougierose · 03/02/2015 19:51

CarlaVeloso PMSL and ROFL and actually spitting out tea whilst drinking it.

OP - is this your first thread? Be careful of Mumsnetters. We are a ruthless breed.

Who give good advice.

adsy · 03/02/2015 19:51

if he tantrums I just say 'I know you're disappointed you'll see it when you get home'
Sorry OP but you have this all wrong. At that age a toddler is all about immediate actions and consequences. saying you can have something when you get home means nothing to them. You need to just say no. You've fallen into the wishy washy trap of explaining and reasoning with a being who is only just becoming sentient!!
Oh, and tantrums are silly, hence why your CM described them as silly. She's hardly going to say your lo had a well reasoned, well thought out tantrum, is she?

joanne1947 · 03/02/2015 19:51

I don't see him expressing his feelings as negative
You will by the time he is 16 unless you get a grip.
I really have to agree, it is essential to lay down ground rules about behaviour while the child is young.. I was a member of the Scottish Childrens' Panel system for many years and frequently saw parents who were unable to control their teenage children. IU wanted to shout at them "If you had been a decent parent when they were pre-school you would not have these problems now" Good for the CM controlling unacceptable behaviour.

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