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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my cm to talk about 'silly tantrums'

196 replies

mikado1 · 03/02/2015 19:15

I have a 2.5 yr old and we don't have a huge problem with tantrums, he is generally a happy little man and undrstands no means no etc. At times of course he is irrational and emotional as toddlers can be. My approach is that it is develoomental and something he's not yet in control of. I don't punish this 'behaviour', just waitvit out, empathise and give a hug if necessary. Gave cm a written description of our way of dealing with this when we started and asked for any feedback if there was a problem. No word until today lo says 'I had no silly tantrums in the playground today'-I asked him what that meant and he said sometimes he has a silly tantrum because he wants to go into the playground. I know it might be lightly said when it's over but am I BU to be a bit put out?? I don't see him expressing his feelings as negative and know that at mo he's just not capable of being calm while saying he's sad or whatever. .. I told him it wasn't silly and it's ok to be sad/angry.. he tokd me sge says 'stop that!'(v cross voice) :(

We are delighted with her and tbh on this one thing I won't be saying a thibg but do feel a bit disappointed. ..

OP posts:
AalyaSecura · 03/02/2015 23:14

She's not 'hugging out' the tantrum, the hug (if necessary) is after she has waited it out and they've managed to calm themselves down? Honestly, this seems like pretty standard 'how to deal with tantrums' advice to me.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 03/02/2015 23:17

I know this is off topic and irrelevant, but I'm a little horrified by a teacher with such hideous and excessive use of punctuation.

Sure sign of a disturbed mind, according to a certain Mr Pratchett...

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 03/02/2015 23:19

Erm I don't think I said her child needed a psych ward?

But yes - parents who overly identify with their children and reinforce negative behaviour throughout childhood do produce adults with some difficult personality traits.

Yes I work within psychiatry I have done for over 15 years in a senior role - so no I don't feel the need to provide "research"Grin

Once a PFB mother always one I'm afraid - if people could see the outcomes of being so precious with their children they would have a big reality check.

Compassion and empathy I totally agree - but never forget you are preparing your child for life .

TwinkieTwinkle · 03/02/2015 23:20

Oh my.... YABU.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 03/02/2015 23:21

OP are you really a teacher?

Do you do this to your class? Applaud the ones who agree with you and scoff at the ones who don't? Surely you have the wit to step back and be at least a little objective?

Midori1999 · 03/02/2015 23:21

Do you think then Blessed, that labelling a child's emotions or feelings as 'silly' is a good move?

FarFromAnyRoad · 03/02/2015 23:24

I love Slattern and Blessed - two completely sane voices in a sea of touchy feely huggy soft arsed insanity - latterly at least in this thread. By the time all you oh-so-earnest people realise how far removed from reality you really are it'll be way too late and a whole bunch of desperately unhappy wives and girlfriends will be all over the MN of the future pleading for help with their overgrown mummies boys!

catkind · 03/02/2015 23:25

Eh what? Do people here actually have toddlers who can stop mid tantrum if you talk to them in a cross voice? Shock Now my toddlers have very rarely tantrummed, but if they did the only possible thing was to wait it out. Dump them in the pushchair/carseat and carry on regardless sure. But shouting at them would only make it worse. You could just as well shout at someone in the middle of a sneezing fit and expect them to not do it again.

Are you guys talking tantrum or just a mild strop here?

KierkegaardGroupie · 03/02/2015 23:25

I don't think you are being silly. Toddlers when in tantrum mode can't be nationalised with...and yes saying it is silly is a form of shaming. Cm may be a bit old fashioned in her approach. Plenty out there to show it is negative to Shame a child for having feelings. Of course you will get all the Pavlovian parents on here calling you precious.....let them use the Pavlovian child minders. Sounds pretty un empathetic to me.

anothernumberone · 03/02/2015 23:25

Blessed you thought the over identifying was relevant to this thread why? Secondly why do you need to mention these over indulged men who are not relevant to this thread apparently end up on psych wards if it is not relevant to this thread?

Frankly I would prefer to read research myself and nothing I have found backs up your assertion and as I say the op's handling of tantrums is recommended by the NHS your employers I presume

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 03/02/2015 23:31

Yabvu and not fair to little man.
Other children won't want to play with him if he's constantly expressing his feelings like that. Take control and teach him how to behave. People who think they're being nice by not disciplining their children are actually being cruel as their children won't understand why everyone thinks they're a twat later on in life.

HopeClearwater · 03/02/2015 23:37

I have really enjoyed this thread Smile

Wait til OP's boy gets to school and is told off by one of her colleagues in teaching. It's going to be so much fun!

anothernumberone · 03/02/2015 23:38

I personally do not see anyone on this thread advocating not having boundaries for children. I see people who handle rare tantrums in a small child differently. Some people act more empathetically towards the child's emotional issues that are being demonstrated and some deal with it from a behavioural perspective. Everyone thinks the toddler needs to learn different ways of dealing with the emotions they are just choosing different paths for ensuring that happens. I am very comfortable with my way and nothing in this thread would make me consider changing it but it is always interesting reading other perspectives.

OddFodd · 04/02/2015 09:20

No one is labelling the feelings silly Midori - just the expression of them. There is a difference

stargirl1701 · 04/02/2015 09:56

Well this thread has me thinking. I think I parent like the OP. I'm a teacher too.

DD1 has frequent tantrums about random stuff. She is 2 and half. We have dealt with so far by identifying flash points and trying to anticipate them. We give choices that lead our outcome, e.g. Do you want lifted out of the bath or do you want to climb yourself? If she tantrums, we ignore the tantrum and, then, when she is calm, we cuddle and tell her that it is not ok to behave like that. She must use words and say, I feel cross.

We thought it was really working. She has started to tantrum and then stopped herself on two separate occasions and said, I feel cross.

I thought it was important to acknowledge the strength of feeling and not belittle it but make it clear that tantrum is not the way we express emotion.

I think that's what the OP is doing too.

dougierose · 04/02/2015 09:57

Wading back into the argument....

My PFB brother was indulged as a child, worshipped by his (our mother) who pandered to his every need, ie driving him back and forth from Oxford Uni (so that she could show off to her friends in a Mrs Bucket kind of way) whilst I had to lug my stuff from North Yorkshire to Canterbury on my own each term.

30 years on he is now a Dad and has sent me the shittiest email essentially breaking off all contact because I had the temerity to send his 3 year old son a T shirt that was too big for him.

What's this got to do with this thread?

Simples.

He was never EVER pulled up from throwing a tantrum. At age 3, 4, 5, 10, 15, 25, 50.

And now he and his wife are teaching his son that tantrums are a good form of self-expression.

Well, express off.

HollyAndIvyTime · 04/02/2015 10:01

I understand where you are coming from. Look up the group 'Gentle Parenting International' (or UK) on Facebook if you want a more sympathetic response than here! :)

Rjae · 04/02/2015 10:10

I do think you have to accept the way the cm handles tantrums as she has far more experience with toddlers than you do and I agree with not rewarding and not punishing them and in fact, minimising them, hence 'silly' is appropriate.

I don't think tantruming as children has anything to do with how adults are able to control their tempers. That's far too simplistic.

Original poster
mikado1 · 04/02/2015 10:20

Well hopeclearwater, with all that has been said, which I have taken, your comment hoping my son has problems so I can effectively get my comeuppance is downright nasty.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 04/02/2015 10:24

Agreed, OP. Schadenfreude at it's worst.

LingDiLong · 04/02/2015 10:50

Wow, some of the posters on here could do with learning a bit about regulating their behaviour and how it impacts on others. Is there really any need to be so unpleasant to the OP? I'm a CM and I can see where you're coming from about tantrums OP. I don't 'punish' (for want of a better word) tantrums, although I will punish if hitting or breaking property is part of the tantrum! However, I can well imagine saying something similar to your CM. Silly is such a mild word, it really is. She didn't even call him silly, she called the behaviour silly. In an ideal world we would all respond perfectly to everything young children throw at us but it's far from an ideal world and I think if the worst your CM has done is refer to his tantrums as 'silly' then I reckon she's doing ok and you have nothing to worry about.

Aberchips · 04/02/2015 10:53

dashoflime your CM sounds brilliant! I bet that is what most CMs would like to tell their charges parents some days!

OP I think you need to take the advice given here - it's all very well trying to be understanding of the fact that kids can't control their emotions at a young age - but how will they learn to unless their parents tell them that it unacceptable to have a huge hysterical fit about whether they put their right shoe on before their left for example?

Bettybodybooboo · 04/02/2015 11:09

Loving this thread as am a cm.

Most tantrums can be avoided by knowing the child and understanding their flashpoints.

That said the primary job of a cm is to keep the children safe so hugging one child outside the school gates while they *express themselves' may be a tad difficult if you have 3 other children running ahead or across the road!!!!

Tantrums are a negative expression of feelings and it's up to parents and carers to teach children as soon as possible that they don't get their own way following a tantrum. They don't get more attention and they don't gain from them.

Then they stop them.

I am amazed and shocked that any teacher or child carer don't treat this behaviour as negative!

My own children and my mindees understand very early on that certain behaviours are acceptable and others not. 2 year olds can understand this quite well if encouraged and treated sensibly and calmly.

Children are usually very distressed during a tantrum and it most certainly isn't a cathartic experience for them.

My setting is happy, busy, gentle and calm. Children thrive.

The prisons are full of people with anger issues or who lacked the break on their emotions and actions as they were never taught or supported properly by their families. They didn't learn self control.

My teens know teens who think the world revolves around then and still tantrum now. Absolutely pathetic parenting and so unfair to the child.

Sorry op I think you should listen to your cms idea of parenting and get a grip.

FrenchJunebug · 04/02/2015 12:08

I think your childminder sounds lovely as does your kid. You are being VU.

and what BettyBody says.

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