to be fed up of everything revolving around my friend because she has a baby?

[bowbows]

Ok I'm a terrible friend and I'm sure I'll get lots of comments saying that. But I just needed to privately rant.

I'm just getting to the point where I'm getting quite tired of things revolving around my friend because she has a baby.

Every Christmas our group of friends go out for a big meal, it's a time we always get together and I really look forward to it. This year we could not do it because apparently it would be too hard to find a family friendly restaurant.

We can only meet up on the same day of the week as a group because it suits her (regardless of what others are doing)

We had a games night (not as her house) and we were playing pictionary (wild times) and obviously you start shouting out the answers and then we got told off for being too loud as the baby was asleep.

These are just some examples.

Please go ahead and crucify me. But I do keep these thoughts to myself but I just can't help feeling quite fed up of it at this point.

I left my babies for things like hen nights but for Pictionary at someone's house with friends ffs? I would not see the point of all the pumping, sterilising, engorgment, leaking and general stress.

It's a really difficult situation but I think you definitely need to make adult only arrangements in addition to the stuff where the baby comes along otherwise you get resentful. I never stopped people shouting when playing games in my house when my own babies were asleep so I would never dictate to someone else in their house.

My friend brought her toddler DS round to my DSs 6th birthday party at my house, her dd is 6 also. She let her DS fall asleep in the lounge where all the kids were and kept telling them to whisper as he was asleep. I was pretty pissed off and told her she was out of order. She was always like that with her ds and didn't mean to be really, we are still best friends.

We don't know that she didn't decline the event, though. For all we know she might have said "oh, I can't/don't want to leave the baby, so I can't come along to the Xmas meal unless it's somewhere the baby can come too," and it was the organiser's decision to call the whole thing off rather than go without her. That sounds a bit more likely than "I can't/don't want to leave the baby, so none of the rest of you should go either" surely?

Mind you, OP has told us so little that this is like a Rorschach test anyway.

"I would not see the point of all the pumping, sterilising, engorgment, leaking and general stress."

Most breastfeeding mothers sock away the odd container of EBM in the freezer--you just defrost it if you know you are going out. A few hours should not cause mass engorgement and leaking all over the place, esp. if the mother is already several months postpartum. I just used to excuse myself for a few minutes and express a little milk into a couple of tissues and chuck them down the toilet if I did feel a bit "full."

You do realize that a lot of breastfeeding mothers are already back at work by 4-5 months, either part time or even full time? I find it so odd how a lot of MN posters seem to feel that it is basically impossible to ever be away from a breastfed baby for even just a few hours at a time.

"If OP's friend-with-baby is on mn (which she will be, let's face it"

Eh? The odds really are against that likelihood!

"Nothing has been said by the OP to reasonably claim that the friend with a baby has been disrespectful of anyone's hospitality picky"

Amanda, then you have different manners to me. I've been raised not to "tell people off" in their own homes and not to be rude to their other guests either because it's disrespectful and impolite.

"I find it so odd how a lot of MN posters seem to feel that it is basically impossible to ever be away from a breastfed baby for even just a few hours at a time."

I do too. On the one hand, whenever I say that I consider formula feeding the more convenient option I get told that breastfeeding is so much simpler than formula feeding, you just pack a nappy and some wipes and go, on the other I get told that it's so hard to leave a breastfed baby.

TheNewStatesman - yes I was back at work full time when PFB was tiny and EBF. So EBM all went to nursery, and I would only use it for a night out with a bloody good reason not a Pictionary game when baby could easily come too, iyswim.

"TheNewStatesman - yes I was back at work full time when PFB was tiny and EBF. So EBM all went to nursery, and I would only use it for a night out with a bloody good reason not a Pictionary game when baby could easily come too, iyswim."

OK, fair enough; I didn't know that you worked FT when your child was small (kudos for getting BFing to work in those circumstances, by the way). I have to say, though, that I would still not want to drag a baby to an "adults" evening; I'd feel like the baby's bedtime would take priority, certainly by 4-5 months when they are developing a routine and are not as portable as newborns.

So basically no one else in the group could be arsed to sort out a meal time and place they could make. It's been easier just to moan. Why didn't one of the others say 'hey, the rest of us could just meet down at Pizza Express on Friday'?

Have to agree about OP being defensive and stroppy. Daring to disagree gets a barbed response. Must make Pictionary very fraught.

Just makes me wonder if there is a reason the op resents friend with baby so much.
Bit of jealousy? Wanting baby herself? Single?
Maybe doesnt speak to that 'friend' enough to know if bf.

I cant imagine feeding baby by dropper im sure dd would have screamed at that
Maybe friend with baby is the most lively and fun and all falls apart a bit without.
Op it wont go on forever and other friends when they have babies wont necessarily do this.

I'm sorry but I think OP, you sound horrible.

If you have a problem with this woman bringing her child, maybe talk to her & find out why rather than bitching about her.

You may find that maybe she is just not ready to be away from her child yet but doesn't want to seem like a bad friend by not seeing her friends.
Or maybe despite having relatives/husband to take care of the baby, she doesn't feel confident enough to leave the child with them or maybe they don't want to babysit.

Whatever the reason is, rather than whinging on here because her child is an annoyance to you, try actually talking to her or at least shut up & stop sniping at other posters who are trying to make sense of your rant.

"Just makes me wonder if there is a reason the op resents friend with baby so much.
Bit of jealousy? Wanting baby herself? Single?"

Yes because of course not wanting someone to change the dynamics of an adult-only Christmas meal, not wanting them to rudely tell their host and other guests off for daring to make noise and disturb their PSB is caused by the other person being so jealous singleton who's desperate to have her own child so the world can revolve around it.

It couldn't possibly be anything to do with the OP wanting to spend adult time with other adults in an adult environment and without being told to be quiet as if she were a misbehaving five year old, could it?

I'm with the OP. I'm neither single nor childless nor wanting any more children.

This kind of sniping happened to my wife, it was very exasperating to see her childless and single friends becoming very unaccommodating once our two babies came along.. Life changes and so do priorities, parenthood brings a different mindset, it's a pity certain people resort to back stabbing and bickering instead of just being a friend....

I hardly think the OP is 'backstabbing'. So over dramatic.

It's just a phrase.. Nothing dramatic at all...

frankbough did you and your wife expect all your friends to change everything to now suit you - with no accomodation the other way, that those without babies didn't always want to do things which were accomodating for babies. It works both ways.

This is coming from the sad jealous, single one whose friends all had babies way before me and I did accomodate but also missed out on doing the things we used to do - but I was made to lump it.

Oh and I now have a 4 month old who is EBF but we have got to take a bottle which means I am able to attend a course for 6 hours plus 45 mins drive each side this weekend so its not impossible - true my lunchtime is going to be spent expressing but its not impossible!

When we had our first dd, we were the first with children. She was explicitly invited to many things because people knew we would not always be able to find a babysitter. These were good friends and we appreciated their efforts. People would even make allowances for her in terms of our volume and hers although if she woke we would just take her home. She did have babysitters many times and she also was formula fed.

backforgood I think the frankly stupid comment above about 'choosing to breastfeed' and the inference that a mother must live with the consequences of that choice just speaks of a culture that is bf hostile which is why I sarcastically picked up on it.

Misfitless
If OP's friend-with-baby is on mn (which she will be, let's face it,) she will come across this, and she will know it's about her.
She's already knows it's neither of the two friends she went to lunch with in November, nor the friend whose house she went to to play Pictionary. It could only be you or one of four other friends out of the group of 9.

Stuff pictionary - Misfitless would be a demon at Cluedo!

It is a phrase with pretty negative connotations, though, frank.

I think that there should be compromise on both sides - it is reasonable to ask for some meet-ups to be in child friendly venues, especially if the OP's friend is breastfeeding - but it is not reasonable to expect every meet up to be in a child friendly venue. It is reasonable to ask for the noise level to come down a bit if the OP's friend's baby is asleep in another room, but it is not reasonable to expect church-like hush (and it is no bad thing for children to learn to sleep through a certain amount of noise).

I have three children, and have done evenings out where we took the baby with us, and evenings where either one of us stayed home with the children or we got a babysitter. It does change the tone and atmosphere of social occasions if children are there, and it is not bad of other people (whether or not they have children) to want a more grown-up atmosphere sometimes. And if other people have got babysitters, and want a grown-up night out, it isn't fair for one person to move the goalposts.

Bit of jealousy? Wanting baby herself? Single?

Did I really just read that?

Noodle, we didn't expect anyone to change for us, my friends have been fab, a certain selection of my wife's friends were very irritating, judgemental, unamenable and rigid when it came to planning even simple meetups ..

It's strange now they have there own children, they are no longer available and free as they once were..

But now our children are here life has changed, a new phase with new exciting challenges and moments ahead, neither of us has a longing for days gone by, time spent exclusively with friends at the drop of a hat with wild abandon is over...
If certain friends don't share that same outlook then they can go away and do what they wish to do, no need for negativity in a marriage from outside influences..

frankbough if that what makes you happy and obviously I have no idea about how your wifes friends treated you, however the attitude you portray to me is we have moved on in our lives, things have changed for us so anyone who doesn't change at the same time as us can be ditched from your social circle which I personally find sad.

If my friends had taken this attitude I would have been left with very few people in my social circle in the last few years as I have just had a baby and most of my friends started about 7 years ago. I think more of my friends than to just ditch them.

I agree it takes a bit more effort to meet people when there are children involved but the childless ones sometimes seem to be the ones in groups who have to make all the concensions, this is 7 years of experience of this happening. I did it willingly - its easier to go to them so I did all the driving, now I have a baby - its still easier to go to them as they have older children!