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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of everything revolving around my friend because she has a baby?

171 replies

bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:18

Ok I'm a terrible friend and I'm sure I'll get lots of comments saying that. But I just needed to privately rant.

I'm just getting to the point where I'm getting quite tired of things revolving around my friend because she has a baby.

Every Christmas our group of friends go out for a big meal, it's a time we always get together and I really look forward to it. This year we could not do it because apparently it would be too hard to find a family friendly restaurant.

We can only meet up on the same day of the week as a group because it suits her (regardless of what others are doing)

We had a games night (not as her house) and we were playing pictionary (wild times) and obviously you start shouting out the answers and then we got told off for being too loud as the baby was asleep.

These are just some examples.

Please go ahead and crucify me. But I do keep these thoughts to myself but I just can't help feeling quite fed up of it at this point.

OP posts:
Innocuoususername · 27/01/2015 14:54

Well on the face of it YANBU but:
She may be EBF and the baby won't take a bottle (both of mine were like this);
Her DH may be useless or unwilling to look after the baby, ditto grandparents;
She may be struggling with anxiety about leaving the baby;
Or a combination of all of the above.

I've been the person who can't meet until 8 because the baby won't take a bottle and needs feeding before bed...then leaving by 10:30 to be back in time for a dream feed. It sucks. But having said that, I didn't expect everyone to dance to my tune all the time.

I think you need to talk to her about this in as non-accusatory terms as you can find, otherwise resentment is going to breed on both sides.

Noodledoodledoo · 27/01/2015 14:54

wishmiplass we have changed over the past 5 years and it was my suggestion even though I dodnt have children till recently. I suggested the change as I could see things needed to change to maintain the group which was important to us all.

Theboodythatrocked · 27/01/2015 14:55

Laughing out loud at those who object to laughing and noise when babies are asleep!

My dd4 slept through her older brothers teenage parties. Babies arnt that fragile. Well only first ones. Grin

I always feel sorry for those littlies whose parents insist on them being the centre of attention everywhere. It gets the kid disliked by all and that's a shame.

Innocuoususername · 27/01/2015 14:55

X post with Thurlow, I agree.

IrianofWay · 27/01/2015 14:56

No YANBU.

Unless it's your baby or you also have or have recently had children of a similar age, babies can be boring and restrictive. When mine were small I tended to just take them everywhere with me and not insist anyone moderate their behaviour, the babies just got cuddled and talked by everyone, or were put down to sleep on a bed or in their prams. But most of my friends had youngish children at that point in our lives so no-one minded. If I were of 'my babies are the human-embodiment of the holy grail and must be treated as such' persuasion I would have found a sitter or stayed home.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 14:56

Not objecting to laughing and noise. I'm assuming (i may be wrong) that the shouting was actually loud enough to wake the baby otherwise the mum wouldn't have said anything.

birchwoodroad · 27/01/2015 14:56

I know it's hard to understand before you've had children but you go into an alternative logic in the first few months of having a baby which isn't always evident to everyone else. I have a two month old and in my head I am always calculating and trying to remember feeds and naps, trying to maintain some semblance of a life and map my days around what the baby's needs will be. I find it hard to express breast milk so just leaving her with my partner is difficult and because of that I have to be around every 2-4 hours. He cannot breast feed her himself so this entire responsibility lies on my shoulders.

At the end of the day I am grateful to get time with my friends and I enjoy it most when I know the baby is there and everything is under control and I don't have to rush home. I get very worried that everything might go wrong - that I won't be able to breast feed her, that if I get out of time with things then she will be affected. They're irrational feelings but they feel quite real to me at the moment.

I know every situation is different and doubtless your friend has different circumstances affecting her, but take it from me I'm sure she has a logic which makes sense to her and if she is being selfish it is purely circumstantial.

museumum · 27/01/2015 14:57

depends on the age of the baby and whether or not her partner is an idiot.

i was largely attached to my baby for a year, my dh is great but ds was breastfed and i could only go out for a couple of hours without him and evening was the worst time to try to leave him (daytime much easier). he had to bf at bedtime.

but.... that's only one year, and if her partner is at all decent then she should be able to come out without the baby very soon, certainly before the next christmas meal. If the baby's small wait it out for a few more months, then have a discussion about what events are and are not suitable for bringing the baby to.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 27/01/2015 14:58

You still haven't said how old the baby is. I was and still am the first out of my friends to have a baby. They bent over backwards to make me feel welcome. Theres a lot of stuff i wouldn't of gone to because of my baby, like parties, but my friends went out of their way (eg giving us their bedroom as it was the most quiet and taking turns with me to check the baby so i could enjoy myself) to make sure i can go. They are all lovely.

And it was a night playing pictionary. I can'y imagine anyone thinking thats an unsuitable place to bring a baby. Your friend has gone through a massive change and is just trying to find her way.

And your right, you would look like a bitch for saying you find a good friends baby an inconvinience because you cant shout like a twat when playing pictionary ffs.

Theboodythatrocked · 27/01/2015 14:58

vertde I guess we have all been that person too but the issue is foisting that in everyone else.

Of course a baby changes things for parents but they shouldn't expect it to change everyone else.

squoosh · 27/01/2015 15:00

'you would look like a bitch for saying you find a good friends baby an inconvinience because you cant shout like a twat when playing pictionary'

Getting a bit irate there?

Theboodythatrocked · 27/01/2015 15:00

Yes but with games night and alcohol things get shouty! That's normal. She's trying to control other adults behaviour and it wasn't even her house. Bang out of order and rude.

Theboodythatrocked · 27/01/2015 15:02

God I love a shouty pictionary! Or a seance. Grin

squoosh · 27/01/2015 15:04

I can honestly say I have never been to a seance! Do they tend to be shouty?

wishmiplass · 27/01/2015 15:04

Theboody Is there any other kind?

I get that people should be considerate around baybeeeees. I have one myself. But I think asking friends not to shout when playing a shouting/guessing game is asking a bit much really.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 15:06

Plus OP you called me selfish before I implied you weren't kind and considerate, I was just retaliating.

hoobypickypicky · 27/01/2015 15:07

"However none of my friends would shout when a baby is asleep in the house. They're all kind and considerate people."

None of my friends would bring a baby to an adult's evening out and then start laying down the law and expecting us all to dance to its tune. They're all kind, considerate and unselfish people.

They wouldn't have adults cancel a meal or alternatively expect anyone to find a "family friendly restaurant" Hmm just for the sake of bringing along a baby who wasn't part of the invitation. So what if the baby's breastfed and she won't or can't leave it? That's all part of parenting a baby, sometimes you have to forgo things you'd have done before they came along. If you have to decline, you have to decline. Gracefully and politely!

Next time, decide on a date, time and restaurant and present it as a done deal. If she says she doesn't want to attend because it's not suited to her baby you just say "That's a shame, maybe next month/year when you feel able to leave him?".

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 27/01/2015 15:08

squoosh you forgot the "ffs" at the end. That emphasises the irateness.

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 15:09

And your right, you would look like a bitch for saying you find a good friends baby an inconvinience because you cant shout like a twat when playing pictionary ffs.

Confused
OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 15:10

As I said hooby I have never done that myself. Never wanted or needed to lay down the law or dictate to my friends regarding my baby, fortunately.

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 15:10

The baby is 4/5 months and is her second.

OP posts:
BOFster · 27/01/2015 15:10

I'm amused at that image of a séance: "Is anybody there? WELL, IS THERE?!" Grin

Innocuoususername · 27/01/2015 15:11

theboody yes, and that's hy I said that I didn't expect anybody else to dance to my tune. I wouldn't stop anybody shouting at pictionary, for example!
But as with all MN threads we're only getting one side of the story, and if the OP is genuinely friends with this woman I think she needs to have a gentle chat and find out what's going on, for the reasons Thurlow outlined.
Of course, she could just be one of those who thinks the world resolves around her PFB, but I still think OP should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 15:11

And what was she like with the first baby?

hoobypickypicky · 27/01/2015 15:12

@ BOF Grin

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