Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of everything revolving around my friend because she has a baby?

171 replies

bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:18

Ok I'm a terrible friend and I'm sure I'll get lots of comments saying that. But I just needed to privately rant.

I'm just getting to the point where I'm getting quite tired of things revolving around my friend because she has a baby.

Every Christmas our group of friends go out for a big meal, it's a time we always get together and I really look forward to it. This year we could not do it because apparently it would be too hard to find a family friendly restaurant.

We can only meet up on the same day of the week as a group because it suits her (regardless of what others are doing)

We had a games night (not as her house) and we were playing pictionary (wild times) and obviously you start shouting out the answers and then we got told off for being too loud as the baby was asleep.

These are just some examples.

Please go ahead and crucify me. But I do keep these thoughts to myself but I just can't help feeling quite fed up of it at this point.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 27/01/2015 14:39

How old is the baby Bow. And have you suggested meeting up without her?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 14:39

You're allowed to think what you want Smile. You might change your mind when you have a baby yourself, you might not. Not shouting is not going to adversely affect your game, but shouting is going to adversely affect the baby.

However none of my friends would shout when a baby is asleep in the house. They're all kind and considerate people.

SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2015 14:40

Why didn't everyone else just go for the meal this year? Some people find having a baby pretty overwhelming and need to pull out if doing things like go to restaurants for a while. But that doesn't mean no one can go. Was she always the one who organised it and no one else could be bothered when she didn't?

Not shouting when a baby is sleeping is basic common sense though.

ElphabaTheGreen · 27/01/2015 14:40

The only time I can meet up with friends is Sunday daytime, and I'd have to take 5mo DS2 with me. He's EBF and a terrible, awful sleeper - quite apart from nights, he'll only nap for me so I can't leave him with DH or his lovely helpful parents. I have no problems with, and encourage, my friends to meet up at other times without me.

If your friend is being completely accommodating and telling you that she can only meet up at certain times and that having the baby present is essential, but that you're all welcome to make other arrangements without her, then YABU.

If you're telling her that it's fine for her to bring her baby to gatherings so she can come, but quietly getting annoyed, then YABU.

If she's being a madam and saying no social events can happen without her, and therefore baby, then YANBU, she is.

squoosh · 27/01/2015 14:41

GotToBeInItToWinIt the point is she brought her baby to someone else's house and then dictated the volume at which games could be played. She should have bowed out on that occasion and stayed at home.

LadyLuck10 · 27/01/2015 14:41

GotToBeInit the idea of everyone not 'needing' to shout at a game which is usually is very precious. Imo people who think like this are hugely irritating expecting people to revolve around their child.
The op said she has a dp and parents nearby so she can part with her child for an evening.
How do your other friends feels about it op?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 14:42

Maybe Squoosh, I don't think I've played Pictionary for about 20 years to be honest.
Anyway I was actually supportive of the OP in the rest of my post!
If the only way a friend could come to a get together was if they could bring their baby I would be happy to accommodate this (by being quiet) in order to spend time with my friend. If she has people available to babysit/baby takes a bottle etc then I would be less sympathetic as they have other options.

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:42

However none of my friends would shout when a baby is asleep in the house. They're all kind and considerate people

Well you are not being kind and considerate by bringing your baby and expecting everyone to do as you want and talk in whispers. Grin

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 14:43

I wouldn't expect anyone to talk in whispers. I would prefer people not to shout though. There's a difference.

BOFster · 27/01/2015 14:43

Of course you shout in Pictionary! And laugh, and talk over each other, and call from the kitchen "Did you want ice with that?"

It's a joyful get-together with your mates, not an afternoon in the library.

wishmiplass · 27/01/2015 14:44

That was a bit low Got.

The baby didn't need to be there in the first place IMO. You can't expect people to curtail their behaviour because of a sleeping baby. Particularly in this example when the get together wasn't even at the mum's house.

Perhaps they should have an exciting game of chess or draughts?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 14:45

Sorry x posted with a lot. Yes maybe the baby could have stayed at home. And if it could, then yes she was being unreasonable. My point was that if the friend could only come if she could bring the baby (no one to look after it etc) then I would happily accommodate this by not shouting, as I assume this friend would be someone I wanted to see and spend time with.

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:45

How do your other friends feels about it op?

No one really says anything, I think they are worried about looking like a bitch.

I wouldn't want to approach it with her as I wouldn't want her to feel like she's not welcome and I'd never want her to feel left out. It's a really tricky situation.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/01/2015 14:46

Is she breastfeeding and the baby is very young/wont take a bottle? In this instance maybe she either cant leave the baby with anyone else yet or isnt prepared to come without.

You need to be explicit about which events are for baby and which are adult only.

She is BVU about expecting you all to meet only on one specifoc day of the week. Fuck that shit. Id be "cards at mine Tuesday night, adults only!" and if she said "you know I can only be arsed to do Wendesdays" then respond "sorry, busy Wednesday, maybe you can make it next time"

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:46

It's a joyful get-together with your mates, not an afternoon in the library.

That made me laugh out loud - thank you!

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 27/01/2015 14:46

I get the impression maybe there is more to this story? Why are you responding to lots of posts, but not whether you actually tried to arrange a normal evening meal at a restaurant, or how old the baby is.

The Pictionary thing is hard to tell too. Was it "I'm coming and I'm bringing the baby" or was it "Oh you must come" "No, I can't leave Ella" "Oh, come and stick her upstairs". I had lots of well meaning friends trying to bully me into attending stuff when DD1 was small on the basis we could just stick her someone and ignore her. It can be quite hard to resist/explain.

So, in summary. What Elphaba said!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 14:47

By the way I have never in real life asked anyone to accommodate my baby as I have never needed to. Apart from if we are getting together I will offer to host it as ours as we can't get babysitters easily. So I'm not being precious or selfish at all, as it's a hypothetical situation.

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/01/2015 14:47

Why does she take the baby everywhere?

Do any others in the group have children?

squoosh · 27/01/2015 14:48

You should arrange two get togethers in the next month. An adult only one which if she can't make will still go ahead without her. And then organise something that she'll have no trouble attending.

That way you get a fun non baby focused night out and a meet-up where she can bring the child. It doesn't need to be one or the other.

LadyLuck10 · 27/01/2015 14:49

I think it's a mistake that yourll cancelled the Xmas dinner, it should have went ahead.
If the group makes dinner plans it's reasonable to expect that a baby shouldn't be there so don't cancel or change those types of plans. Extend he invite to your friend, if she can come great and if not still go ahead.

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:49

My point was that if the friend could only come if she could bring the baby (no one to look after it etc) then I would happily accommodate this by not shouting,

I think your point was to infer that I'm inconsiderate and unkind person.

OP posts:
Mulligrubs · 27/01/2015 14:50

I can see both perspectives. Have you actually told your friend that you don't want her to bring the baby to games night? If she hasn't got a babysitter and you guys don't want the baby there well tough on her, she will have to miss it.

Also why did you not have your Christmas meal? Just tell her it's adults only and if she can't come, tough.

At the same time you should be considerate that she has a child but not all the time. Just continue with your plans with your other mates. And be clear with her about when she should or shouldn't bring the baby. She's not psychic

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/01/2015 14:52

That was afterwards Smile. In my original post I was supportive of you and said I could see your point re the Christmas meal and get togethers. I was trying to consider an alternative point of view for the Pictionary evening but that was the only bit of my post you pounced on.

We hosted New Years Eve at our house as we had no babysitter. There was plenty of laughing/talking etc but no shouting as our guests knew there was a baby asleep. Appreciate this is different as it wasn't at the mum's house.

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:53

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, really helpful. Like I said it's a tricky subject and I don't want to cause offence, so these are really good.

It's been good to vent and not been chased with pitchforks and flames too haha, so thank you for that.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 27/01/2015 14:53

The thing is, none of us have any idea why she's taking the baby with her everywhere. Just a lot of people assuming because she has a DP and parents nearby she should just leave the baby with them.

How old is the baby? And how actually supportive are the partner and the parents? Has she ever left the baby with anyone?

I agree with the idea that she really shouldn't be dictating how you all spend your social time because she's the one with a baby.

But you're asking us to pass comment on what you're thinking, without explaining enough - have you all just gone along with her? Why does she always bring her baby?

(Btw, this is one of those fascinating MN threads where there's a completely different response than you expect. Normally anyone suggesting that they leave their baby with their DH for a few hours is told to stop being selfish and just be with the baby - here everyone is making sweeping assumptions that the partner is supportive and the mum is emotionally capable of leaving her baby)