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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of everything revolving around my friend because she has a baby?

171 replies

bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:18

Ok I'm a terrible friend and I'm sure I'll get lots of comments saying that. But I just needed to privately rant.

I'm just getting to the point where I'm getting quite tired of things revolving around my friend because she has a baby.

Every Christmas our group of friends go out for a big meal, it's a time we always get together and I really look forward to it. This year we could not do it because apparently it would be too hard to find a family friendly restaurant.

We can only meet up on the same day of the week as a group because it suits her (regardless of what others are doing)

We had a games night (not as her house) and we were playing pictionary (wild times) and obviously you start shouting out the answers and then we got told off for being too loud as the baby was asleep.

These are just some examples.

Please go ahead and crucify me. But I do keep these thoughts to myself but I just can't help feeling quite fed up of it at this point.

OP posts:
SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 27/01/2015 15:55

I didn't want to leave DS in the early days but didn't expect my friends to pander to that. I missed some and attended others.

Baby bores are awful though, so many seem to think they are the first person ever to have a child. Most were bridezillas before that Grin

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/01/2015 15:56

Is she breastfeeding?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/01/2015 15:57

Is she breastfeeding?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/01/2015 15:58

Is she breastfeeding?

Johnny5isAlive · 27/01/2015 16:00

How do you know that another friend - maybe "the organiser" - isn't saying "come on baby mum. It wouldn't be the same without you. Bring baby too". Have any of your other friends complained?

Waitingonasunnyday · 27/01/2015 16:06

Is she breastfeeding? Is the baby clingy? Does she bring only the baby or the older child too, and why?

yellowdinosauragain · 27/01/2015 16:08

I started off being very much on your side op. But the defensive stroppy nature of your subsequent posts to anyone who disagrees with you and in particular singling one poster out (who wasn't the only one to say she thought you were unreasonable) is pretty unpleasant.

If you want to ask advice, and you want to get people onside, this is not the right way to go about it

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 16:19

So the normal organiser organised the meal, people went but you couldn't make it? And that's your friends fault???

No not at all.

This was just a lunch that was very spur of the moment (she was inbetween jobs so had free time) - the only two that went was friend with baby and friend that works shifts.

This is a group of 9 friends.

This was back in late November. It was just a random lunch and they discussed the Christmas meal then and what they should do.

The Christmas meal was entirely separate event.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2015 16:21

You actually said they 'went out for a meal'. It sounds to me like 'the organiser' wants to spend time with the woman with the baby.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 16:22

OP, is it just you that's pissed off, or everyone else?

And has anyone actually asked why the friend brings her baby everywhere with her? (Which isn't that abnormal for a

Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 16:23

But the defensive stroppy nature of your subsequent posts to anyone who disagrees with you and in particular singling one poster out

Quite a few people mentioned her post. I wasn't going for blood. Just saying that I think you would be unreasonable to expect to control the level at which people speak at, especially when its not your house.

OP posts:
Original poster
bowbows · 27/01/2015 16:25

You actually said they 'went out for a meal'. It sounds to me like 'the organiser' wants to spend time with the woman with the baby.

But they did go out for a meal, they went out for lunch.

Like I said this friend was between jobs (think she had a gap of 2 weeks before her new job started). She asked if anyone was free to go out for lunch. Only 2 were available.

I'm not quite sure what you're saying? Everyone was invited to this lunch.

OP posts:
alleypalley · 27/01/2015 16:34

Why are you not answering the question of is she breast feeding?

I suspect it's because she is.

BackforGood · 27/01/2015 16:44

YANBU to assume everything shouldn't revolve around 1 baby, when 9 adult friends are used to meeting up for nights out now and then.

but

IMO, YABU to just 'accept' that everything should revolve around the baby. Why not say something ? Totally up to her if she doesn't want to be parted, but she can't expect 8 friends to all change what they have traditionally done, because she wants to bring a baby to something that's not set up for a baby.

Personally, I don't see why it would have to be all or nothing anyway - easy enough to say "We're going out for a meal on X date, adults only - be lovely to see you if you want to come, but if you don't want to leave baby yet, we wondered about doing a BBQ together in May, which will be more family friendly" You aren't excluding her then, but it's quite clear that you can't all be expected to change your behaviours just to fit in with her.

SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2015 16:44

I'm saying one person seems to do the organising and that one person is happy to adapt for a few months because she wants to spend time with the woman with the very young baby. Who is presumably breastfeeding.

Jux · 27/01/2015 16:48

So, out of 9 adults, 2 or 3 have a spontaneous lunch together in the course of which they discuss a Xmas meal for all 9; it is decided by this minority that a family friendly place will be too hard to find so the whole thing is off the cards, even though only one person requires a family friendly place?

I think, under the circumstances, I would consider organising a night out on a different night sometimes. Just sometimes. So everyone else can be reminded that there is life after motherhood.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/01/2015 17:12

Bowbows I think you missed my earlier question, because I posted at almost the same time as you did, so I will ask again - why does this friend have to bring the baby along to evenings which used to be adult-only? If there is a good reason why she cannot leave the baby with her partner, then it is not unreasonable for her to ask for a certain amount of compromise - like Pictionary not being played at maximum volume, or meals out being at family-friendly restaurants, or only meeting up on the day of the week that suits her. But if she could leave the baby with her partner, but refuses to, then it is not reasonable of her to expect everything to revolve around her and the baby.

hoobypickypicky · 27/01/2015 17:15

So what if she's breastfeeding! Do breastfeeding women have special dispensation to tell their host and host's guests off for making noise in their own home? Or to expect changes to long-established adult-only meals out to the detriment of the enjoyment of the other eight diners?

What makes it ok to be demanding and rude because you're breastfeeding?

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 17:17

Hooby, because that's how pretty much every other thread ever on MN about breastfeeding and breastfed babies goes Grin

BackforGood · 27/01/2015 17:23

I agree with you Hooby.
Choosing to breastfeed is fine - but it is you who has chosen to do it, not all of the people you used to go out with.
Life evolves, and friendships evolve. When you have dc, you will often make new friends with other new parents - it gives you a new outlet to your social life, but means that you can't always do what you used to do pre-dc. Doesn't mean you can no longer be friends, but sometimes means you won't be able to make all of the social occasions you used to go to.
As I said before, doesn't mean you can't see them, ever though.

PterodactylTeaParty · 27/01/2015 17:25

Wait wait, so the friend with the baby wasn't the one who sent the text calling off the Christmas meal - it was the friend who usually organises things instead?

In that case it sounds like you need to have a word with Organiser Friend about why she called the whole thing off just because one person wouldn't be able to make it and/or didn't want to go, surely?

squoosh · 27/01/2015 17:26

I really fancy a game of pictionary.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 17:27

There's no way of telling whether anyone is BU here at all, we don't have about 95% of the facts so we can't answer the OP's question.

However, I seem to be in a distinct minority here but as a friend, I'd rather have a quieter game of Pictionary with all my friends there, and one had to bring their baby to be able to come, than a shouty game of Pictionary that meant one friend couldn't come because their baby wouldn't settle through the noise.

hoobypickypicky · 27/01/2015 17:35

Grin @ *Thurlow

Thanks for the warning!

lilone1234 · 27/01/2015 17:39

Personally, I do not think you are being unreasonable to not want your social life dictated by her baby. However, it is unreasonable to expect everything in the group of friends, including the mother, to remain the same. In my experience, groups of female friends often have little sub cliques (seems this is the case with the mother and the organiser, as someone else suggested) and I think women quite often try and keep the group together when actually a lot of the people don't have that much in common anymore. It sounds like this may be the case with you and the mother, from what I have read on the thread (and I admit I haven't read it all) you don't seem particularly warm or empathetic towards her.

There is nothing wrong with this, and with some people participating in events that are not baby friendly as it seems you (and no doubt some others) would prefer, but unfortunately that is often seen as bitchy as you said. I do think it is a problem with girl groups.

I do think that if she were a really close friend of yours you wouldn't refer to her baby as 'it', and you would be much more willing to make allowances to see her, in fact you would probably actually want to see her baby. It seems this is the case with some of your other friends.

To give you the other perspective, it isn't easy (in fact it is impossible) to have the same social life when you have a baby, and you can feel quite left out when everyone carries on without you if you are the only one with a baby. It is very considerate for friends to try and include someone who is busy with a baby but very often it doesn't happen and they do carry on without you, and I can't imagine any one who is in this position who would make a song and dance about it, so I doubt very much that the friend you refer to is doing that.

I don't think there would be any need to have a confrontation about it as some other posters have suggested, but to suggest things that you want to do, when you want to do them and some will make it and some won't. I do also think a suggestion from another poster about one adult only and one child friendly social event a month is a nice compromise.

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