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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up of everything revolving around my friend because she has a baby?

171 replies

bowbows · 27/01/2015 14:18

Ok I'm a terrible friend and I'm sure I'll get lots of comments saying that. But I just needed to privately rant.

I'm just getting to the point where I'm getting quite tired of things revolving around my friend because she has a baby.

Every Christmas our group of friends go out for a big meal, it's a time we always get together and I really look forward to it. This year we could not do it because apparently it would be too hard to find a family friendly restaurant.

We can only meet up on the same day of the week as a group because it suits her (regardless of what others are doing)

We had a games night (not as her house) and we were playing pictionary (wild times) and obviously you start shouting out the answers and then we got told off for being too loud as the baby was asleep.

These are just some examples.

Please go ahead and crucify me. But I do keep these thoughts to myself but I just can't help feeling quite fed up of it at this point.

OP posts:

SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2015 15:12

But the friend can't have told everyone else they had to cancel the meal, can she? I mean, why would they say yes? She must have just said she couldn't go. I bet she was the normal organiser and no one else could be arsed.

bettyboop1970 · 27/01/2015 15:13

Circumstances change, people change, time to move on.

Bowlersarm · 27/01/2015 15:15

Yanbu, OP, YANBU in the slightest.

Bloody baby bores, they're a pain in the neck.

Original poster

bowbows · 27/01/2015 15:20

I bet she was the normal organiser and no one else could be arsed.

No I don't remember the last time she organised anything. She's definitely not the normal organiser - even when she was childless.

The one who is the normal organiser went out for a meal with her and another friend (no one else could make it). We got a group text to say it would be too late to find something family friendly etc

OP posts:

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 15:20

Who agreed that the whole meal should be cancelled because friend couldn't come with her baby?

Who agreed that your friend should bring the baby to the games night?

Who agrees that you'll all only meet up on the particular night she is free?

Does your friend insist she brings the baby? Is she still breastfeeding?

You're all adults, I assume, and are capable of telling your friend that no, you're going to meet up on Tuesday this week because that's the night that most of you can do. Or you're capable of saying that the games night will be boozy and loud and so probably not best to bring the baby.

Though it does seem it's so much easier to not actually tell your 'friend' that you can't change absolutely everything, every week to fit in with her, but rather to just bitch about her behind her back.

FWIW I think she's being U to expect everything to change because she has a young baby, and for a boozy night to stay quiet because she brought her baby with her.

But it's not like you appear to be doing anything about it other than whining.

ApocalypseThen · 27/01/2015 15:21

I think we all have to make adjustments. Your friend has to accept that there are things that she can't attend if everyone else's plans have to be dictated by her baby. The rest of you have to accept that if you're willing to have the baby along, you have to accomodate it to some degree.

However, both of the examples you cite are ridiculous. Most adults don't want a family friendly resturant for a Christmas party meal. She knows what these games get like when everyone's had a few drink and if it's not tolerable for the baby and she can't leave it, she needs to stay at home rather than dictating the volume at someone else's home and party.

Original poster

bowbows · 27/01/2015 15:25

Plus OP you called me selfish before I implied you weren't kind and considerate, I was just retaliating.

Oh are you still going on about the same point?

Others seemed to agree that you can't bring your baby to an adult evening and dictate the level at which people speak/laugh.

It doesn't make them inconsiderate and unkind to have fun.

OP posts:

bettyboop1970 · 27/01/2015 15:28

I'd make arrangements with the others and if she can't make it then too bad. Yanbu.

HootyMcTooty · 27/01/2015 15:29

I'm afraid when one has a baby one has to expect to miss out on some adult evenings, that's just life.

You can't all pander to her just because she has a baby. If she can't make something that's tough isn't it? As long as she isn't left out of everything it's not unreasonable at all.

YANBU.

Threeplus1 · 27/01/2015 15:29

YANBU

I have 3 kids and one on the way. My husband works long hours and we live abroad away from family, but I go on regular girls nights out, in fact, I have 2 coming up in the next month.

If I can't make it because DH has to work late/we can't afford a babysitter then I don't go. Simple.

We also do nights around each other's homes so that we can bring our kids along too

I would never dream of dictating everyone else social life to accommodate my circumstances

SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2015 15:31

So in actual fact she did go out for a meal, with two of your other friends? But you weren't invited?

hoobypickypicky · 27/01/2015 15:35

"To be honest I would ask people to keep the noise down if they were shouting at pictionary and my baby was asleep"

This business of telling people what to do in their own homes and/or telling their guests what to do and not to do - is this a thing now?

I was taught that it's the height of bad manners to dictate what your host or their guests should do in the host's home. Come to my home and tell me or my guests to be quiet and you'll be shown the door!

Original poster

bowbows · 27/01/2015 15:36

So in actual fact she did go out for a meal, with two of your other friends? But you weren't invited?

I clearly said no one else could make it.

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 27/01/2015 15:37

Is she breastfeeding?

I too am finding it strange that a whole group of people are doing and arranging things they all aren't happy with.

Or is it just you OP? Have you actually spoken to any other members of the group about this?

I would have thought it would be nice of a long term group of good friends to change their usual plans for one of their number, for a few months, while their baby is so young. You've obviously known this mum for a long time, since she was childless - now she has 2 DCs. She hasn't been dragging the older child with her all this time, so i presume once the baby is a little older things will return to normal and she'll come out minus the baby again.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 15:38

Has anyone spoken to her about this? Why on earth is everyone just going along with this, if it's annoying you so much?

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/01/2015 15:39

So the organising friend organised for her and the friend with a child and a n other to go out but said she couldn't find a family friendly restaurant?

fluffyraggies · 27/01/2015 15:40

Exit - It's not just me then.

weeblueberry · 27/01/2015 15:40

What's the doing with her older child while she's bringing the baby everywhere?

I'm surprised that people are being okay with her taking a baby to a friendly dinner or a night (presumably) having a drink and a laugh playing games. If I'd ever said 'can we find a family friendly restaurant for our normally boozy Christmas dinner' my friends would have laughed til they burst a lung then said 'sorry but no. It's a Christmas night out - can you get a baby sitter or shall we see you next time'. I wouldn't have done it though because it just would never occur to me to invite my child to what is clearly an adult event...

SolomanDaisy · 27/01/2015 15:43

Sorry, I am confused. A meal was organised and your friend with the baby went, but you couldn't make it? So they did find somewhere family friendly and she did go. I assumed the text about not finding somewhere family friendly was a polite way of not inviting you.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 15:44

I don't understand what went on with the meal

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/01/2015 15:46

Bowbows - why does she have to bring the baby along to evenings which used to be adult-only? If there is a good reason why she cannot leave the baby with her partner, then it is not unreasonable for her to ask for a certain amount of compromise - like Pictionary not being played at maximum volume, or meals out being at family-friendly restaurants, or only meeting up on the day of the week that suits her. But if she could leave the baby with her partner, but refuses to, then it is not reasonable of her to expect everything to revolve around her and the baby.

Original poster

bowbows · 27/01/2015 15:47

I assumed the text about not finding somewhere family friendly was a polite way of not inviting you.

Oh for goodness sake. Jumping to conclusions much.

A friend invited everyone over to hers, a couple of weeks before Christmas, the majority of us could not go as it was in the day time.

After this there was a text sent to say that it would be too hard to find a family friendly place for a Christmas meal.

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/01/2015 15:48

Are we investing too much time in this?

I really don't feel the OP is giving adequate responses to reasonable questions.

Thurlow · 27/01/2015 15:53

Agreed, Exit I'm investing time because work is boring today...

But really - why hasn't anyone just told the friend that the meet ups are adult only?

Johnny5isAlive · 27/01/2015 15:55

So the normal organiser organised the meal, people went but you couldn't make it? And that's your friends fault???

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