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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs wedding day

255 replies

creampie · 26/01/2015 11:37

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2015 14:04

What do you mean by 'usually' then? Surely a wedding - even a remarriage - is something important enough in your family to prioritise? It's not even an issue really is it, because the school wouldn't have an issue with it - you, however still do.

Let your husband take the children to his mother's wedding, you'd be like the proverbial spectre at the feast if this thread is anything to go by. I expect you do like it when other people put you or your children first sometimes though, don't you?

I think you're arguing to try and prove your point now and it's very petty.

Hakluyt · 27/01/2015 14:05

But medical reasons are authorised, surely?

Original poster
creampie · 27/01/2015 14:14

They're authorised in our school (medical absences), in that you don't get fined, but they're still black marks against attendance which you get letters about reminding you how important attendance is

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 27/01/2015 14:21

OK, I'm going to be honest and it might smart a bit.

It sounds to me like this has become all about a power play between the OP and the MIL and the kids are stuck in the middle. And that is, of course, the fault of the MIL as much (if not more) as it is the fault of the OP!

Really, this isn't about an afternoon off school (a couple of hours out is not really going to damage their education, come on!). It's about control, not the wellbeing of the kids, which would probably be best served by everyone getting along as best they can in the future rather than putting that at risk.

Don't get me wrong - I would be annoyed by this behaviour from MIL too. It is very intrusive. But given that it is a wedding and thus an important family occasion, and there is almost no genuine 'cost' to the children being there, I would just go with it this time. Pick your battles, OP. Life's not a scoring match, and if you can give someone pleasure by giving in gracefully, then what's the harm? (Even if it is the wicked witch of the MIL!)

diddl · 27/01/2015 14:22

I get where you're coming from OP.

I think my that my first thought would be "Ah well, to the kids at school, husband & I will go to the ceremony & take them to the reception"

and then if MIL checked school policy, I'd be thinking "hang on, can we make our own decisions re the kids please!"

WannaBe · 27/01/2015 14:23

bloody hell what a load of overreactions on this thread.

IMO school day wedding equals no children. In fact I would assume that booking a wedding on a school day would be done in order that children could not attend. And let's be blunt here, a twenty minute registry office seremony isn't going to be a life-affirming event for four and six year olds, they'd probably rather be at school than have to sit through that anyway. They'll be attending the dinner and the evening so it's hardly a big deal is it?

The wedding is obviously a big deal to mil, and it is her day. But for the four and six year olds, not so much.

But the amount of name calling and vitriol "can't be fucked to parent your own children" directed at the op is absolutely un-called for.

If the kids were home then yep they'd be going - of course, but given they're at school it seems a bit much to drag them home just so they can sit through what to them will be dull anyway. they'll see enough of mil at the evening do. They won't care about the rest.

Oh and if op had come on the thread and said that her mil is an overbearing woman, that her fil doesn't like children and hasn't invited his own gc to the wedding and therefore op doesn't really want to take her children she would almost certainly have been advised to spare mil's feelings and tell her that school wouldn't allow it.

Op just tell her that you don't want to take them out of school and that's an end to it. I wouldn't take them.

LaLyra · 27/01/2015 14:32

If your FIL is trying to engineer things to stop MIL's family attending, but your MIL wants them there then I'd be more inclined to take the children tbh.

Presumably she knows what her husband-to-be is like so will know if he is going to complain. She is still pushing hard for her grandchildren to be there.

If your FIL is bullying things to get his own way in terms of somehow isolating MIL (is that only for the wedding or does that happen generally?) then I'd be there with my whole family group to show that you will not be letting him do that.

Littleen · 27/01/2015 14:42

Woah, I would not be happy with that. Not her place at all, to phone the school!

limegoldfinewine · 27/01/2015 15:12

Okay. So the kids are 4 and 6 and there is this much angst over a family wedding. Presumably it will happen 1x in all of your lives and the kids are young enough not to have serious school engagements... I applaud your energy OP as I don't know of many people who have time to escalate every petty slight into WWIII. If in the future a cousin gets married on a Friday and your kids are of GCSE age, I suggest molotov cocktails. Or failing that WMDs. Don't be afraid to underreact!

As for your MIL, have you considered going NC? Might as well drop the pretense and give the old bitch the boot.

LadyRainicorn · 27/01/2015 16:41

Come on OP, admit it, your children aren't there because you're planning to poison the bridal confetti right? AIBU has spoken!

How did they meet? Is she planning to inherit all his wealth and sail off on a saga cruise with it?Shock

SallySolomon · 27/01/2015 16:48

What Wannabe said. If you book a wedding on a school day, you're effectively saying "no kids" or thick as pig poop when it comes to knowing that schools are incredibly harsh about taking children out now.
It would go down as an UNAUTHORISED absence, As in you can take them out, but they're not authorising it so you'd be landed with at the the least, a fine.
Your MIL is BU. Not you, and I'm not just saying that as it's a MIL thread, I'd say that about my own mum or anybody for that matter!
Plus, she has a bloody NERVE ringing up school after you'd said you weren't sure, that'd really annoy me!
Some people don;t like to take their children out of school (unless they're really ill of course.)
I know I don;t unless I can help it.

Tinkerball · 27/01/2015 16:56

Sally you are talking complete rubbish, it may well be authorised and even if it is recorded as an authorised absence there is no way parents would be fined for one day!

Tinkerball · 27/01/2015 16:56

Cream pie please come back and tell us how old FIL to be is, please? Grin

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/01/2015 16:57

Plenty of people, e.g. the vast majority of people who haven't had children or been involved with education for the last 20 years, will be "thick as pig poop" when it comes to knowing about school policies on absences. Not everyone takes a detailed interest in education policy.

And it would not necessarily go down as an unauthorised absence. As the OP mentioned her MIL called the school and found out that they would tend to be inclined to authorise and absence for a wedding. And even if they didn't an unauthorised absence will not land you with "at the least" a fine. Most Local Authrities have policies that mean fines are only handed out after a set number of absences, most commonly it seems a week or more.

NickiFury · 27/01/2015 16:57

I've never been fined and I regularly take my child out for UA. There's an awful lot of scaremongering about fines etc, mostly right here on MN.

SallySolomon · 27/01/2015 17:00

I've never been fined and I regularly take my child out for UA.

Well, you're lucky then aren't you, if you can regularly take your kids out when you like without incurring fines or unauthorised absences. Some LEA's are stricter, and some are more lenient than others, obviously.

SallySolomon · 27/01/2015 17:01

incurring fines full stop. (sorry, tired)

NickiFury · 27/01/2015 17:05

The point is Sally that your post was ridiculously over the top. Fines simply don't happen for the odd day of absence, where there is no history of consistent UA.

SallySolomon · 27/01/2015 17:08

Not everyone wants to pull their child out of school though, if they can help it. If the grandparents wanted their grandkids there so badly, you'd think they'd do it on a day when most of them can attend. Not make it difficult for them. Confused

NickiFury · 27/01/2015 17:09

It's probably a lot cheaper and a lot more availability. I can see why people do it and personally don't see a problem with it.

WannaBe · 27/01/2015 17:15

unauthorised absences aside, the instant you book a weading during school hours you forego the right to demand that school-aged children attend.

Personally I wouldn't have pissed about with unauthorised absences etc I would simply have said "no it's a school day so the we'll bring the kids to the dinner and the evening do after they finish school."

The kids aren't going to gain anything from a twenty minute wedding seremony. And for those who say that the grandmother will gain something knowing they were there, well she should have thought about that before she booked a wedding on a school day.

maddy68 · 27/01/2015 17:40

My school would have no issues in authorising that providing they have a decent attendance record I don't think she was being unreasonable either, she probably thought she was helping by sorting it out for you. Why wouldn't you want them there? You sound a bit odd in all fairness

scarletforya · 27/01/2015 17:53

Doh, I thought a remarriage was a renewing of vows of existing marriage. Blush

SallySolomon · 27/01/2015 18:32

unauthorised absences aside, the instant you book a weading during school hours you forego the right to demand that school-aged children attend.

Exactly.

Aridane · 27/01/2015 19:13

Hoisted by her own petard...