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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs wedding day

255 replies

creampie · 26/01/2015 11:37

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
Aridane · 27/01/2015 19:14

(OP, I mean - not Sally)

CarlaVeloso · 27/01/2015 19:14

I feel a bit sorry for her, I understand why she wants her GC there but I probably am a bit cross that, once again, she's let everything be downgraded to something she doesn't want in order to please FIL and that if she was willing to give up all her wants, it kind if makes us think maybe we should go along with it too and not bring DC? It's like she wants us to be the ones to make a stand and bring DC when she has given up all the other things she wanted to have. This way it's us getting blamed and not her, IYSWIM? The stubborn side of me wants to bring them and give them a bag of party poppers, but I don't know if I can face the glares and snide comments forever after.

Wow. Sorry OP, but with every post you sound nastier and nastier.

So your poor MIL is having a very small wedding which is not what she wanted and you decide, out of sheer spite, to reduce it by two more for some weird, convoluted point-scoring reason which only hurts her even more.

First you tell us it's all about the unauthorised absence, next it's about the noise during the ceremony, then it's about MIL ringing the school and now it's about punishing her for giving in to her partner's demands.

Why don't you go away and work out the real reason you are so determined to take the shine off the woman's day.

I think it's nothing to do with the school and everything to do with some unhealthy power play.

You sound utterly spiteful.

LadyRainicorn · 27/01/2015 19:18

Poison canapes!!!

MayLuke83 · 28/01/2015 09:07

OP, please ignore the hostility. You've awakened the mother in law brigade, it happens. Really, of course YANBU, if MIL was so concerned about your children not missing out on her wedding day she would have arranged for a non school day. Totally ridiculous responses here.

DemelzaandRoss · 28/01/2015 12:54

You never know what life brings.....you may re-marry one day & would like your DG to be there. Missing one day off school will not prevent your children attaining GCSE's A Levels Uni Degree or any other life skills. It's really no big deal. Clearly MIL didn't believe your reason for non attendance, hence a general query to the school. Good for her, in a way, it can be quite satisfying sometimes!!

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 28/01/2015 14:21

The OP doesn't sound spiteful at all.

And why place all the blame on the OP. She didn't make a unilateral decision but instead discussed the issue with her DH the children's father and they came to a decision together. Her MIL undermined both the DC's parents by her actions. If the DC's attendance was that important then she could have chosen to get married either on a weekend or during a school holiday.

diddl · 28/01/2015 14:27

"you may re-marry one day & would like your DG to be there. "

In which case Op could have a weekend wedding.

"Clearly MIL didn't believe your reason for non attendance, hence a general query to the school. Good for her, in a way, it can be quite satisfying sometimes!!"

Although if OP sticks to her decision & doesn't take the children, MIL might wish that she hadn't bothered!

Heels99 · 28/01/2015 14:39

Just take the flipping kids to the wedding, all this fuss and drama fgs! Yes mil shouldn't have rung the school. But that's done. Fill in the form requesting authorised absence and see what the response is. What you think of. Il wedding/ choice of husband etc is irrelevant. She wants the kids there, it's her wedding, you can facilitate that. Just crack on I can't see why this warrants pages of debate. The in laws do sound a pain it compared to some brides thisnis minor.

WannaBe · 28/01/2015 15:04

and missing a twenty minute seremony won't be a big deal either. All the kids will care about anyway is the cake. Wink

When my ds was a baby my sil got married. During a conversation about it with ILs I stated that I wouldn't be taking ds, that taking a baby to a wedding sounded like hell on earth because he would be bored and we would spend the entire day entertaining him whereas we could enjoy the day and he wouldn't even know anything about it anyway. Fil's response was "you don't actually have a choice. There are people who will be expecting him to be there, so it's not your decision." Angry Angry my then dh agreed with me but stated that to keep the peace we should really just give them what they wanted. I was fuming.

As it turned out, the night before the wedding ds developed a temperature, and by the morning he was full of cold. He stayed with my parents while we went to the wedding.

They probably don't believe me to this day that ds was actually ill...

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 15:19

"nd missing a twenty minute seremony won't be a big deal either. All the kids will care about anyway is the cake. "

It is for the person whose wedding it is! Even if she is a MIL and therefore not entitled to feelings or preferences.............!

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 17:16

I thought I'd killed this silly thread yesterday. Fine.

OP isn't actually the Evil DIL at all. It's all been a cover for the DH (it ain't just a river in Egypt you know, wink wink) who is planning, unknown to his mum (OPs MIL) to kill off the new FIL just after they sign the register by releasing an angry wasp, which will sting the grumpy octegenarian, who is allergic to wasps and who will obligingly keel over in anaphylactic shock. He obviously cdoesnt want his children there and is directing is wife (OP) to keep them away. He hopes that MIL will then inherit grumpy barstards millions which MIL will then shower upon him in love and affection. Or maybe he'll bump her off too, it's that kind of thread, not much tlc.

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 17:24

Well that makes significantly more sense than the actual thread!

Floisme · 28/01/2015 18:03

I just had to come back to Grin at the idea of a Mumsnet mother-in-law brigade! Because really, there's no other possible explanation is there?

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 18:08

I have several times been accused of lying when I've said I'm not a mother in lawGrin

Floisme · 28/01/2015 18:20

I'm not one either. I've obviously been brainwashed Grin

WannaBe · 28/01/2015 18:42

Hakluyt
it clearly isn't that important to her though or she wouldn't have arranged her wedding on a school day. Because she couldn't possibly have known that the school would authorise the absence, in fact there are still no guarantees that they will, and she acknowledged that if they didn't that would be ok and they would be at the meal and the evening anyway.

But different people have different views on these things. for me it would be simple, arrange a wedding on a school day and my child wouldn't be going. it would be non negotiable, whoever's wedding it was.

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 18:45

You know, it wouldn't cross my mind not to take my children out of school for the wedding of a close relation. Just wouldn't cross my mind.

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 18:52

FIL is Rupurt Murdoch!!

he divorced recently didn't he?

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 18:54

Elton John is coming and so am I. And I don't want coughing snuffly primary school aged children getting their snotty fingers on my fabulous dress.

Floisme · 28/01/2015 18:57

I'm sure most of the people I know who don't have school-age children themselves would assume that taking a 4 and a 6 year old out for one afternoon wouldn't be a major problem.

When someone is getting married, friends and family normally make an effort to fit in with their wishes. I just don't understand why the op can't just say 'mother-in-law, we can't promise but we'll do our best to make it happen. Because this is your day.'

Anyway can't stop as I'm off to talk to Justine about changing the site name to 'milsnet'.

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 19:00

Sounds a bit... milibandy

LadyRainicorn · 28/01/2015 19:02

I didn't think the OP had acted without reproach btw. Just that this thread had gorn mad.

Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2015 00:10

Lots of people get married on a week day. There are only a very limited number of weekend dates and lots of people get tied up weekends. Why shouldn't people choose to get married on a week day!

And schools should let children out of school for a family wedding, no problem at all. I wonder if the OP's school has agreed to it? Am trying to read back and see if they have. It's school, not prison. And what exactly will the class mates be learning while a child is at a family wedding. Something so earth shattering as to never be repeated in class again! No, more of the same old stuff they do every other day.

CarlaVeloso · 29/01/2015 09:41

I'd like to know how many MNers got married on a Friday s d expected their friends and family to take a day off work.

Hakluyt · 29/01/2015 09:56

Well I suppose it depends what you mean by "expect". As in demand- obvioulsy not. But it is a reasonable expectation that most people could book a day off with 9 months notice for a close family member or good friend's wedding. And would want to.