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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs wedding day

255 replies

creampie · 26/01/2015 11:37

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
tiggytape · 26/01/2015 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

limegoldfinewine · 26/01/2015 17:57

LadyRainicorn

The OP obviously has no problem with the relationship because she says she would go on a weekend day. So she has no concerns about the relationship with "evil FIL". She only brought it up once she got no sympathy in the initial replies.

If the OP actually gave a crap about her MIL, I would still say to take the kids unless she had safety concerns because it's not fair to punish people for being victims in abusive relationships. Not that she cares.

LadyRainicorn · 26/01/2015 18:00

But you're the one making it sound abusive! I read it as a grumpy old fart who didn't like children and who would bang on about it at family gatherings the op was at!

mewkins · 26/01/2015 18:01

I would be upset to npt have my grandchildren at my wedding too! I bet your children will love it and if they are school age they will be fine. I sort of don't blame your mil for checking with the school.

Charlotte3333 · 26/01/2015 18:12

When my Mum got married a few years ago my ES sprinted up and down the aisle doing knee-slides in his fancy-pants tuxedo as DH attempted to keep him in order. I was bridesmaid, so had to stand at the front and eventually hold ES in the vulcan death grip to keep him steady. But it was fine; her new DH wasn't terribly child-friendly, and we have some properly crabby old men in the family, so I just kept ES away from them as much as possible.

Suck it up and go to the wedding with your children. Granny's wedding trumps everything I think.

JakeShit · 26/01/2015 18:23

I think this is a fuss about nothing. It's your kids grandmothers wedding and it's only an afternoon of school. I'd take them and not worry about it. The kids will probably enjoy it .

You don't really mention what your DH wants to do.

FlowerFairy2014 · 26/01/2015 18:28

She certainly took matters into her own hands in a way most of us would find rather rude. Now that she has done it it is probably better for family harmony if the children go. In a way it is lovely she wants them there so I would just take them. I have taken my children out of school for both my parents' funerals although most of us would expect people to fix a wedding other than on a week day, mind you having said that my wedding day 30 years ago with about 25 guests was on a week day - my parents fixed the date.

TwitterWooooo · 26/01/2015 18:30

Yabu.
Their grandparents wedding, is not taking them out of school "willy billy".

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/01/2015 18:39

I think that the people on this thread, who are saying that creampie 'lied' when she said the school was unlikely to authorise an afternoon off for Grandma's wedding, need to wind their necks in!

Parents are being told, over and over, that schools will not authorise absence except in exceptional circumstances - and as the OP has said that her school has said only absences for medical reasons will be allowed!

And even though she did not state this on the thread until later on, surely we have seen enough stories, both on here and in the media, about parents being fined, or refused absence for really good reasons, to know that she was probably telling the truth.

drudgetrudy · 26/01/2015 19:12

OK-MIL should not have phoned the school-but I think its really miserable of you not to take them out for their grandmother's wedding.
I think there is more to this-you really don't like her and consider her wedding unimportant.
Unless she has been absolutely awful with you you are being very unkind.

MoanCollins · 26/01/2015 19:22

That's completely irrelevant STDG, because the OP has admitted that it has nothing to do with attendance or missing school, she just doesn't want the children to go.

hamptoncourt · 26/01/2015 19:26

I don't know why you don't just tell her you don't want to take the DC out of school and want just you and DH to go?

They are your children and you get to call the shots.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/01/2015 19:26

It is relevant, because she was accused of lying - which she didn't do.

She may be hiding behind school policy because she doesn't want to take her children out of school for this wedding, but she was telling the truth when she told her MIL that she thought it unlikely the absence would be authorised.

MoanCollins · 26/01/2015 19:28

Yes, but she didn't ask and I think given it's a grandparents wedding you would expect to at least ask the question. Perhaps lying is too strong a word but she definitely deliberately mislead.

maddening · 26/01/2015 19:30

She told the mil that the reason the dc could not come is that the school would not authorise attendance rather than saying that she didn't want to take them out of school for the time required to attend the ceremony- either she did not check and told her it was not possible or actually did check and lied - mil made her own enquiry of the school policy as to whether they are happy to authorise absence for the wedding of a close relative such as a gp and they have confirmed they would be happy to do so - so the op is caught in a lie and could have avoided it by growing a spine and laying out her actual objections rather than hiding behind the tails of the school then she wouldn't be in this situation.
the
Also I don't see how she can travel to the wedding if travel will require taking 2 days and the dc only need half a day to attend the evening do - would the op have to travel back to collect the dc after the ceremony?

hackmum · 26/01/2015 19:43

Look, if you really want school-age children to attend your wedding, you hold it at the weekend, or in the school holidays, not on a schoolday. There has been a ton of stuff in the media over the past year on the new rules about authorised absences, and it's quite clear that schools are supposed to be very strict about not allowing kids to have time off except in extreme circumstances.

The OP has said that the HTB wants the wedding on a school day precisely because he doesn't want a lot of children there.

The OP, also reasonably to my mind, was looking forward to a peaceful wedding ceremony where she didn't have to keep control of the kids. God knows we have enough threads on here about how terrible it is when children disrupt weddings.

If the MIL really did phone the school, then she is out of order. Anyway, the damage is done now and the kids will probably have to go. How old are they, OP?

limegoldfinewine · 26/01/2015 19:45

LadyRainicorn

Nope, the OP specifically said

Sunday evening DH and I had a brief chat about it maybe being better if children not there due to noise issue, etc, and HTB potentially using it as a stick to beat MIL with in future about ruining their day, kids generally being a pain (he doesn't like his own grand kids and doesn't really see why GPs would want a close relationship with them).

So the reason (supposedly) she is not taking the kids is because of the noise and the future FIL using it as a weapon against MIL. OP is such a poor liar martyr

Quitelikely · 26/01/2015 19:46

IMHO you were being spiteful in saying they couldn't go.

You got what you deserved.

limegoldfinewine · 26/01/2015 19:48

Honestly, why is the OP even going? She clearly can barely stand her MIL. Dislikes her FIL. Doesn't see the value of grandparent relationships. If I were her MIL, I'd rather have the kids there. Why doesn't the OP send the kids with her DH and have an afternoon off?

diddl · 26/01/2015 19:55

"Look, if you really want school-age children to attend your wedding, you hold it at the weekend, or in the school holidays, not on a schoolday"

absolutely!

And if your son & DIL say not sure about school policy but will bring kids after school.

Take the bloody hint!

LadyRainicorn · 26/01/2015 20:28

Fascinating limegoldfinewine. I'm on my phone so it's difficult to scroll back and copy and paste bits but there are other posts talking about how the fil will berate the op and family in a predictable fashion at future events. You could instead use these to say maybe the mil getting hassled is a face saving smoke screen and it's the op who can't face it anymore. Especially as the fil seems to deliberately timing the event to make it hard for children to attend (his own gc can't make it).

This is what I meant about AIBU being odd - posters bringing all their own prejudices and preconceptions to a situation. Sometimes such a massive disconnect between the projection of the thread and the original op is just staggering. I'm not saying that I would do the same as the op, but that I just don't see Evil DIL with bells on that's being painted here.

LadyRainicorn · 26/01/2015 20:51

Okay I just tried to cook pasta by putting the pasta in cold water and boiling the whole thing up. I'm in no fit state to argue with people on the internet, I concede whatever point I was yammering on about

CarlaVeloso · 27/01/2015 00:32

This is what I meant about AIBU being odd - posters bringing all their own prejudices and preconceptions to a situation. Sometimes such a massive disconnect between the projection of the thread and the original op is just staggering.

Yes, absolutely. And people are so inexplicably furious on other people's behalf.

Thumbwitch · 27/01/2015 02:26

There certainly do seem to be some over-reactive responses on here.

I know I've read a thread on here where a school refused to allow the child out to go to a grandparent's funeral - how is a wedding any more important? (and don't say it's because they're still alive) So it was a reasonable assumption on the OP's part that the school would not allow it.

The MIL has jumped in before the OP could reasonably be expected to have got around to phoning/talking to the school to find out whether or not there was any chance, which was a bit officious of her, frankly.

I don't know whether the OP's preference to leave the children at school is selfish (doesn't want to have to look after them), kinder to MIL (doesn't want any noise they might make to come back on MIL by FIL2B abusing her over it) or because she really is worried about the school attendance thing (reasonable these days) - but surely it is her and her DH's choice whether or not their children go to the wedding? Since they are the DC's actual parents?

Eminybob · 27/01/2015 03:05

I am extremely Hmm and a bit Angry at the posters saying how important a gp's wedding is and if there is any reason to take child out of school this is it.

Ffs 99.99% of the population will not watch their gp get married

A wedding is not the most important thing in the world and certainly less important than an education

If you want your grandchildren at your wedding you get married at the weekend or during school holidays

I think as there have been a couple of threads recently criticising the mil bashing that goes on on mn, a high proportion of posters have jumped on the "love thy Mil" bandwagon

This is just controlling behaviour, and a bit bridezilla. This gp needs to realise the whole world doesn't revolve around her and her wedding day.

OP, yanbu.