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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs wedding day

255 replies

creampie · 26/01/2015 11:37

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
capsium · 26/01/2015 14:43

The bit about the FiL to be did make me think about C4's 'Friday Night Dinner'. Grin

Egog · 26/01/2015 14:45

I don't think YABU at all, but I do think better communication might have avoided this.

Your MIL should not have contacted the school- you'd have to peel me off the ceiling if mine did this. I get why you're annoyed. However, if you've a strong opinion that your DC's shouldn't go- for whatever reason, you're the parent- you should just tell MIL straight. Then if she undermines you, you can address it head on.

I wouldn't worry about GFIL to be- if he's an awkward bugger in the future, just deal with it as and when.

Good luck, if you do all go, I hope it's fun!

grannytomine · 26/01/2015 14:47

OP how would changing the day or time help, you said you don't want them to go because of noise, are your children magically quieter on a Saturday? Let's be honest, you don't want them to go, you didn't want to say that so blamed the school and she called your bluff. You now have to be honest if you don't want them to go and it will be more awkward than if you had just said it in the first place.

I think you are both being unreasonable but to be fair to her she might have realised you were just making excuses so I have some sympathy with her.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/01/2015 14:50

I think you should take a page from you're MIL's breezy attitude book. Sounds much more fun, honest and respectful than making up excuses.

Take your DCs, don't be too concerned if they make a bit of noise. If FILtoBe complains at a later date just laugh about it and say "Of course they were noisy, but MIL wanted them there so much she even called the school!" and enjoy yourself.

Or don't take your DCs and if MIL complains say "Oh I know you called the school, but we want to enjoy the ceremony which will bore the DCs. They will love the reception though."

Make your decision based on what you want to do, emphasise the positive aspects of it and don't be apologetic. Obviously don't be a dick about it, but you don't have to pretend your choices are stymied by others, you just have to own your choices.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/01/2015 14:51

your not you're Blush

Floisme · 26/01/2015 15:00

Op, if it was your own mum getting remarried, would you be refusing to take your children along?

That's what I was going to ask too. Apologies if you've already answered, op but if you have, I can't see it.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 26/01/2015 15:03

I feel sorry for your poor MiL.
My DGS was at our wedding on a Friday afternoon.
Everyone had a lovely time. Grin

dixiechick1975 · 26/01/2015 15:22

She can't have hot it all sorted with school though. Request would need to be written signed by person with parental responsibility.
Can you speak to school to see exactly what has been said. If need be raise concerns re info being given to none parents.
But I' m shocked that you don't consider it an occasion to all attend. A school aged child will sit longer in assembly than at a registry office ceremony.
If you do decide to go and apply for the absence our school's form asks for the reason why this wasn't arranged in term time. trmoting but don't put so mil could save £22.65 fee or mil couldn't wait until April for her wedding night Blush

dixiechick1975 · 26/01/2015 15:23

Out of term time

Original poster
creampie · 26/01/2015 15:56

Yes, when I say Sunday I mean yesterday!

As in I'd had all of 2 hours of school being open in which to ask them myself, when it was presented to me by MIL as a fait acompli

OP posts:
Original poster
creampie · 26/01/2015 16:04

If it was a Saturday, obviously mine wouldn't be magically quieter, but other family would also attend then. This means there would be lots more small children which would dilute the pressure on mine a bit. They're not coming as it stands because of distance to travel and they would likely have to miss 2 whole days of school compared to our one afternoon.

I suspect this is why FIL has chosen a weekday Grin

They won't go mad at the reception. It's just a dinner in a posh restaurant. No party. Probably even more pressure on small children than the ceremony will be!

OP posts:
Original poster
creampie · 26/01/2015 16:07

By the way, this weekday has no special relevance to the couple.

I think MIL would actually prefer a weekend so that extended family could come, but FIL has insisted it be this day

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 26/01/2015 16:10

If your children are of school age then they are old enough to be quiet when they are told to be. Noise is a total non-issue.

You are thinking of reasons not to let the DCs be at their grandmother's wedding and that's unkind.

What does your DH say?

Thumbwitch · 26/01/2015 16:12

Can you not have an honest conversation with her and say "look MIL, I think it would be better if the children maintained their school attendance and then there's no risk of them disturbing the ceremony and upsetting your Hto be. I'll fetch them as soon as school is out and bring them straight to the reception though, so they won't miss out on the fun part, just the bit that they're not likely to find that interesting, seeing that they're too small to really understand it" [which I assume they are if you're worried about noise!]

GettingFiggyWithIt · 26/01/2015 16:25

YABVU unless it is a day when SATS or controlled assessments at GCSE are taking place...if your kids are noisy I assume primary so you are being even more unreasonable. She is getting remarried and that's not important enough for her gc to be there? Strewth. And I always take DIL's side usually.
As for the permission thing she will probably have rung the office and asked whether kids are permitted time off for weddings...and been told yes, no problem, will be authorised. Most schools would be fine about it and unless your kids are going to kick off about not getting 100 per cent attendance/punctuality certifs (even then with a wedding I would have given them) you are being really unfair, particularly in the 'saving up for/offsetting an unauthorised absence'!
Are you planning a holiday or a sickie then?

LadyRainicorn · 26/01/2015 16:48

Sometimes I think AIBU is a sort of text version of a Rosarch blot, where posters see stuff out of their subconscious instead reading what's actually there.

Everyone's been primed with MIL vs DIL threads over the past week and so seem to be ignoring the DH and H2B role in all of this. And the timescales. Weird.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 26/01/2015 17:02

Not at all but OP comes across as being the primary carer and on the one hand has her children's attendance at heart. On the other is thinking of future unauthorised absences. Which is it?

LadyRainicorn · 26/01/2015 17:09

How does she come across as primary carer?

LadyRainicorn · 26/01/2015 17:11

As a married, non seperated couple I would expect her DH to be making equal child decisions. Should he want the children there, why is he not contacting the school or asking op too?

GettingFiggyWithIt · 26/01/2015 17:19

She comes across as primary carer because in her own words she's going to be the one keeping the kids quiet - a job that I would personally be delegating to their Dad.
Posters are responding to what has been put out there, mil has been described as being controlling, manipulative, wanting her own way. Fil has been described as intolerant, not particularly amiable. DP has barely had a mention!

limegoldfinewine · 26/01/2015 17:23

By the way, this weekday has no special relevance to the couple.

I think MIL would actually prefer a weekend so that extended family could come, but FIL has insisted it be this day

If FIL is so controlling and awful, then why are you pandering to him? Controlling people use any excuse to abuse. If the kids don't go, it's hardly going to make him a magically nice person.

You are annoyed that she's made it a weekday. You'd rather put the kids in school than have the hassle of disrupting their week. Fine. You are trying to gin up some outrage over this so-called "overstepping" so that you can use it as an excuse not to take the kids. Fine.

But to actually be willing to use the emotional abuse of your MIL as an excuse not to go... there is some empathy chip missing in you. Do you feel any compassion for your MIL at all? Do you have a shred of human decency? Disgusting.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2015 17:26

Sorry OP but it serves you right for trying to use school policy to thwart your MIL who has indeed, neatly side-stepped you.

I would not raise this with the school if I were you because they might feel that your sticker attitude to 'willy nilly' removals will apply to you on your next request and you'll be hoist on your own petard.

LadyRainicorn · 26/01/2015 17:45

If H2B is a controlling abuser why is it disgusting that Evil DIL op doesn't bring children to wedding but does in fact condone the relationship in the first place?

This thread is getting silly now.

laughingmyarseoff · 26/01/2015 17:51

OP I think you need to check with the school, they may well not authorise it in the end anyway.

I think if, in the same circumstances, it was your mum in MILs place and you would go then you should go now. Your DC, if you can then let them go. Does your DH want to even go that is, how does he feel? Is he bothered? Maybe he isn't too bothered about going or wouldn't he have checked for your MIL?

PunkrockerGirl · 26/01/2015 17:53

The children aren't babies/toddlers though, are they? Surely if they're old enough to go to school then they're old enough to sit quietly through a wedding ceremony. It's only 20-30 minutes ffs Hmm