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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs wedding day

255 replies

creampie · 26/01/2015 11:37

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 26/01/2015 11:59

Of course she wants them there. Don't be so mean, OP.

Tinkerball · 26/01/2015 12:00

Of course she shouldn't have called the school. But I'm a bit bemused about what "other" reasons for authorised absence you would put above a GPs wedding really.

waithorse · 26/01/2015 12:00

Check with the school. It doesn't sound right at all. Though I'd let them attend a grandparent wedding with or without schools permission.

CarlaVeloso · 26/01/2015 12:00

What you are saving your unauthorised absences for...her funeral?

Original poster
creampie · 26/01/2015 12:00

Apparently she has just made a general enquiry, rather than mentioning names.

I'm not sure why I feel so cross about this.

Ok, Wise MN jury, I agree, I'll have to just suck it up and take them out of school Smile

OP posts:
RiverTam · 26/01/2015 12:01

I very much doubt she's even spoken to the school. However, I think letting them have the afternoon off for Grandma's wedding isn't unreasonable, unless they are in the middle of something very important - and I say that as someone who's pretty anal about termtime absences.

TSSDNCOP · 26/01/2015 12:01

Might he sooner than she thought after this Cara Grin

diddl · 26/01/2015 12:02

"Whether she's fibbing or not she's snookered the OP who's now got to ask for time off"

Why does she?

WorkingBling · 26/01/2015 12:03

I suspect she rang to ask a generic question because clearly she doesn't trust you. For good reason.

Assuming she doesn't marry and divorce men on a regular basis, surely a grandmother's wedding is on the list of things you'd take your children out of school for?

nobutreally · 26/01/2015 12:03

As others have said, I bet she asked in principle - unless your school has an incredibly lax attitude to non-attendance days.

But why on earth would you not want to take them? What are you expecting to come up where you'll need to take unauthorised time so you need to keep their attendance rate looking good (my bet is a term-time holiday). Given that they are clearly very young - if not expected to sit quietly through a service - I really think that a close family wedding trumps a day of school (as someone who takes school attendance very seriously - my two have only ever had one day of authorised unattendance (other than medical appts) - which was to travel to my BIL's wedding.

Mixtape · 26/01/2015 12:04

carla I just snorted, getting very strange looks now!

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 12:04

Your AIBU was about MIL speaking to the school, NOT about the wedding.

YANBU.

I'd go mad.

She basically decided she didn't like the decision you were making about what your DC would do in a given situation, so she took over your role, spoke to YOUR child's school behind your back and thought she'd present you with a fait accompli and override your parenting decisions.

I would go ballistic.

Firstly speak to the school. They had NO RIGHT to discuss anything with her and surely have absolutely no framework to have a random relative try and arrange an unauthorised absence - WTF? So speak to them first. If it transpires that she's talking crap, or if she talked to the receptionist and asked would a child be able in theory to miss a day for a wedding and the receptionist said 'yes it'd be unauthorised though' or some such nonsense, then you get your DH to tell her that she was completely out of order, she is NEVER to contact the school again or to presume that she can override ANY decision you make regarding your children.

Then he can tell her that her chat with the school was, naturally, meaningless as she isn't the parent and doesn't know individual circumstances. That the school were speaking in the abstract and as she has no authority to discuss anything regarding your children, her intervention is null.

Personally, I'd have probably taken a day out unauthorised for a grandparent's wedding. But only the kind of grandparent who doesn't think they get to make my parenting decisions for me.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/01/2015 12:04

You feel cross because she's shown you up for being deliberately difficult about the whole thing.

I feel quite sorry for mil in this.

diddl · 26/01/2015 12:05

It's not just up to the OP though, is it?

Why didn't MIL say something to her son instead of contacting the school?

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 12:06

I would NOT take them out of school.

Reward that behaviour?

Make her think that every time she disagrees with you, she gets to override you?

And you'll roll over like an obedient child for the real matriarch?

'Well creampie wasn't going to take them out of school but I put a stop to that - talked to the school myself! I wasn't having MY grandchildren not at MY wedding!'

No. Fucking. Way.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 12:07

And yes she has made just a general enquiry.

So she's arranged nothing.

She knows nothing about actual circumstances.

And she can be told that.

diddl · 26/01/2015 12:08

"I would NOT take them out of school.

Reward that behaviour?"

That's exactly how I'd feel tbh.

CarlaVeloso · 26/01/2015 12:09

*I would go ballistic.

Firstly speak to the school. They had NO RIGHT to discuss anything with her and surely have absolutely no framework to have a random relative try and arrange an unauthorised absence - WTF? So speak to them first. If it transpires that she's talking crap, or if she talked to the receptionist and asked would a child be able in theory to miss a day for a wedding and the receptionist said 'yes it'd be unauthorised though' or some such nonsense, then you get your DH to tell her that she was completely out of order, she is NEVER to contact the school again or to presume that she can override ANY decision you make regarding your children.*

Do you have high blood pressure? I'm sorry, I mean, do YOU have high BLOOD pressure?!

Original poster
creampie · 26/01/2015 12:10

I do feel a bit "cornered" I suppose.

If I choose not to take them now, I have to be honest about why I don't want them to go, rather than having the option of blaming the school.

I'm unlikely to get away with just explaining I'd like a stress free ceremony! She'll say a bit of noise won't matter, but HTB will get a cob on about it at a later date, I'm sure.

OP posts:
CleanLinesSharpEdges · 26/01/2015 12:10

The lying was in saying the children were unlikely to have the absence authorised, when she admits later on in her post that she had no idea whether the school would or not, and using that as the reason for the kids not attending , when in fact the real reason is that the OP doesn't consider her MIL'S wedding important enough to use an unauthorised absence and she'd just rather the children weren't there, as she explained later on.

Just be honest in the first place.

Tinkerball · 26/01/2015 12:10

You're cross because you probably don't like her very much and for whatever reason didn't see your childrens GPs wedding as important enough for the to miss a day or so of school and so weren't even going to bother asking, and use that as an excuse.

concretekitten · 26/01/2015 12:10

YANBU
she had no right to speak to school behind your back and school should not have discussed it with her either.
However, I'm not sure if I believe school would have just authorised it over the phone. Don't most want a letter written or a form completing by parent(s) and then the head reviews it and decides yay or nay? Usually they only authorise absence for a parent's wedding.
If she was so set on having her GC at her wedding she should have spoke to you about it before booking it.
I had a midweek wedding too but I made sure everyone could get the day off work (kids were already off school) before we confirmed the date and paid the deposit.

CarlaVeloso · 26/01/2015 12:11

I would go ballistic. Firstly speak to the school. They had NO RIGHT to discuss anything with her and surely have absolutely no framework to have a random relative try and arrange an unauthorised absence - WTF? So speak to them first. If it transpires that she's talking crap, or if she talked to the receptionist and asked would a child be able in theory to miss a day for a wedding and the receptionist said 'yes it'd be unauthorised though' or some such nonsense, then you get your DH to tell her that she was completely out of order, she is NEVER to contact the school again or to presume that she can override ANY decision you make regarding your children.

Sorry, the angry bit was meant to be in BOLD!!!!

TSSDNCOP · 26/01/2015 12:12

You'd really turn this into a major incident? The GM is excited, she's asked a probably hypothetical question of the school. At best my Giveashitometre would flick onto "Slightly Irritated", and only then because it would highlight that I hadn't actually asked myself.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 12:12

Carla - ha! Yes it's clearly riled me hasn't it!

Honestly, whatever the subject, how would you feel if your decision about something were dismissed like that?

Really out of order.

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