MILs wedding day

[creampie]

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit about this?

If you & your husband don't want to take the kids out of school then the fact that you could changes nothing imo.

Best to be honest.

You'd rather not take the kids out of school but they will be there later.

If your school-aged children are so badly behaved that they might interrupt the ceremony, then they will go wild in the evening when they will be over-tired and over-excited, and hyper having imbibed cola or, heaven forbid, coffee(see another thread). And if they are late to bed won't it affect their schoolwork the next day (though not their attendance of course)?

Thus removing my parental objections.

You can still have your parental objections - you just can't blame them on school policy.

whilst she was unreasonable to approach the school herself you were unreasonable to make no attempt to arrange their absence so that they could attend their own grandmothers wedding and your attitude is to blame over all - I am not surprised she rang the school to ask of it was possible - this is entirely your fault imo

I hope it works out.

Your mother in la going to school behind your back is wrong but I feel she has every right to hope her grandchildren will be at her wedding.

Any school that would not allow children to go to a family wedding during term time is in the wrong! IMHO. Lots of wonderful opportunities at a family wedding, to see family not seen often/maybe ever, and perhaps sometimes with aged relatives for the last time ever. What will they be learning at school that would beat that!

www2.eastriding.gov.uk/learning/schools-colleges-and-academies/school-attendance/holidays-during-term-time-and-authorised-absence-from-school/

This is from East Riding, your area will have your own, no doubt.

Under 'What is absense from school for exceptional circumstances'

1. To attend a wedding or funeral of a person close to the family.

I hope the day is great for all concerned.

But I'm still not sure what your objections are? You haven't said how old your children are, is it really because you are worried about them being too noisy?

I don't think YABU.

FGS what child really wants to sit through a wedding ceremony? DC would be totally bored. You can still make sure they are at the evening and see their family and all that.

FIL doesn't get to moan about them being children. They don't miss school. It is only your MIL that has a problem with any of it.

Waitingonasunnyday surely exactly the same number of children want to sit through a wedding ceremony as adults? I can't see anything about the occasion that makes it more attractive to one group than the other?

TBh I wouldn't treat it like it is a problem when speaking to MiL. Just say that you will be collecting them from school for the evening do because you and DH think they would most likely be noisy in the ceremony and you would like to be able to relax and enjoy it. Then just do it....no more discussion.

Really I think it is a bit overly sentimental to expressly want small children there. It is not the bit they will particularly appreciate, she is not really thinking of them. A lot of people with small children end up removing themselves from the ceremony anyway, to avoid total disruption...

Oh honestly OP. I don't buy this sudden about face of saying 'we get on really well'. You just don't want the children to go and you're happy you've got an excuse. I'm really sad that Brian's managed to talk you into not letting them go. I feel really sorry for your kids and MIL that they're not going to be together at an important occasion for her just because it makes you feel powerful that you've managed to control your MIL and force her into backing down. The only people who will be damaged by this is your poor children that you're using as a weapon. I hope the spite feels good OP, better be worth it if you're able to justify using your children in such a way.

OP have you actually checked with the school?

It WOULDN'T be authorised at ours. They've been told to crack down and they have. Very apologetically, but they have. They would simply smile and say, well, we can't authorise that but of course we can't stop you taking them out and it would be an unauthorised absence.

if MIL has called up and made a 'general enquiry' then unless you have a very laid back school the chances are she's received a general answer. A school receptionist is not particularly likely to reply to a random enquiry with an 'Oh yes, DEFINTIELY, that wouldn't be a problem at all.' Perhaps 'Well we'd have to consider the specific request but we are able to authorise absences only in very specific circumstances blah blah'. Or perhaps, even 'I'm afraid I can't discuss in detail with you but it is possible to make an official request for absence, yes'. It totally depends on what MIL has said... and how she's chosen to interpret it.

So before you go further forward, I'd find out exactly what was said, because the chances are you might be able to set her straight on what she thinks she's heard anyway, because calling up and telling you 'it's all arranged' is bollocks for a start...

Heaven forbid the poor woman is excited about her wedding!

Honestly who could be bothered to be so bloody minded about well, anything? It must take more energy to be all wound up about it then to do your half of the co-parenting at the wedding.

Daft.

Wow, OP isn't even pretending to be a nice person like other OPs. Hope you have daughters, OP. Otherwise karma is a bitch.

I feel really sorry for your kids and MIL that they're not going to be together at an important occasion for her just because it makes you feel powerful that you've managed to control your MIL and force her into backing down.

And the MiL wasn't trying to control the OP at all?

If the relationship is not good it won't get better by letting the MiL control situations or letting yourself feel manipulated. Things are better when you can be genuinely happy about a decision you and your DH have made. This was not MiL's decision to make...she has overstepped the mark.

So I think it is fine to politely decline the ceremony invite for the children and go and enjoy the wedding, with no hard feelings.

....and tbh I think there is more to this decision with a grumpy sounding FiL to be.

Your MIL has overstepped the mark.

If it was me I'd go with my original plan to have them there in the evening. They don't miss any school and they still get to go to a party.

But Moan - and others - what about the reason OP doesn't want them to go, which she's stated openly - FIL to be is a dick who is likely to dislike the fact that the children are there and use any disturbance to be nasty to OP/MIL and the family. Even if the children are well behaved, there's going to be what an anti-child grump will class as 'disturbance', everyone can imagine that.

OP's angry about MIL being an interfering twat. She's definitely reasonable there. But she says part of her decision making, before MIL tried to override her, was this issue with FIL, coupled with the fact that MIL and he could have put the wedding on the weekend and didn't.

It really doesn't seem to be all about being nasty to MIL, in advance of the phoning the school issue, why would it? OP describes the conversation as her saying, not sure about school, you could always move the time - offering MIL an alternative way the children could be at the ceremony. MIL is the one who waves off the objection with a 'you will comply with what I want' statement - as OP has said, things have to be her way or nothing...

OP should maybe have said straight out, I'm not having them at the ceremony because I don't want to get flack from your H2B if they dare to shuffle, I'd rather they come to the evening do and have a good time. Hopefully she's going to say that now, along with a reminder to MIL that she doesn't get to organise OP's parenting choices - and maybe see what MIL has to say to that. I imagine that if MIL was to apologise for phoning the school and see OP's point of view about FIL, maybe they could come to some arrangement.

Just because this issue has blown up, as things in families do, I can't see that as evidence that OP hates MIL with a passion. On the other hand, from my own experience with various dysfunctional oddities in my own family, I CAN understand OP very much not wanting to cave in to MIL after her trying to undermine her, and OP seeing that as important for their future relationship if MIL is a bit of a manipulator.

When you say Sunday, do you mean yesterday??

OP, would your DC's be upset about not being there / missing out on a special occasion?

YABU to lie to MiL about the school. You obviously needed an excuse, if you [honestly] didn't want them to miss a day of school, you should have told her this. She probably would have been upset but you would have made your position clear.

MiL is / was probably very upset at the thought of your DC's not being there. Does your DP have siblings with children and will they be there? Different circumstances but my GM was very upset to have a couple of "missing" GC's during a big family event.

To look at things from a completely different angle, MiL may have thought she was helping you by sweet-talking the school. If you hadn't had lied in the first place, she wouldn't have done so.

MiL is obviously very keen to have them there, why deprive her and your DC's of that? It's one day, I doubt they will fail every future exam as a result.

My advice would be to get DC's out of school for the day / afternoon and enjoy the rare special occasion together.

The OP has quite openly said she doesn't want the children to go and is just looking for an excuse not to send them. The noise, the school, it doesn't matter, she justs wants an excuse for them not to go when in fact she simply just doesn't want them to go.

I don't think wanting your grandchildren at your wedding is controlling. I don't think that exposing someone who's told a blatant lie is exposing. I mean come on, even the fact that she rang up the school shows that she is wise to the OPs behaviour and knew that it was a lie. Which also makes me think this isn't the first time the OP has pulled this kind of stunt either.

Honestly, it makes me so sad that on Mumsnet you get women justifying doing terrible, nasty things to their MILs which they apparently deserve just for having the temerity to have a son who got married. It's just spite, the whole thing, the OP can make any excuses she wants but she's already admitted as much.

YABU to lie to MiL about the school.

Yes lying doesn't get anyone anywhere. However it was not an outright lie. Schools are increasingly cracking down on absences. Time off for a wedding is not considered an entitlement.

Added to this maybe OP would feel more confident being completely and utterly transparent, if this was accepted as valid and not belittled to such an extent the MiL rings the school!

I would advise OP to be more confident and openly go with her initial decision. Get this relationship on a more equal footing...

Grumpy? Sounds more like Victorian to me. The type that thinks children shouldn't be seen or heard. If he doesn't like his own Dgc he's unlikely to like the OPs either so it's no wonder she and her DH decided not to take them. The slightest cough or sneeze would probably have him moaning about them.

Of course it will suit some posters to ignore this in favour of berating the Op.

The OP and her DH have made a decision and the MIL should have respected that.

Then maybe MiL would not so readily question the decisions the OP is allowed to make over her own life. The relationship then can go to just being more fun, not one based on power struggles and obligations.

"The OP and her DH have made a decision and the MIL should have respected that

Yes "AND HER DH"

Yet Op gets the flack!