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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs wedding day

255 replies

creampie · 26/01/2015 11:37

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit Hmm about this?

OP posts:
Chilicosrenegade · 26/01/2015 12:36

Wow. This is possibly one of the most PA mil bashing thread I've seen.

You really don't like her OP do you?

It's her wedding day. And she's BU for wanting her GC there.

Because you can't be fucked to parent your own children for 1hour in a church/registry.

She phoned because she knew you were too lazy too. Or wouldn't. And your pissed because you see how she sees you.

That's more truthful.

chillybits · 26/01/2015 12:38

I think you've been snookered and are annoyed. Your stubborn streak will probably turn you into the kind of MIL that phones up your GCs schools one day!

If they are school age its hardly like a baby or toddler yelling, running amok in a ceremony. I'm sure there's all sorts of occasions you need to use a bit of distraction and bribery to keep them quieter than usual.

CarlaVeloso · 26/01/2015 12:39

Threads like this help me understand a lot of other threads...

Charitybelle · 26/01/2015 12:41

A few months back I'm sure there was a thread where a MNtr wanted to organise her wedding on a weekday (to save costs) and wanted to take her dc out of school (unauthorised) to attend it. I'm sure she was told she was BU and massively criticised and told she was selfish to even consider it and should get married in holidays/on a wknd if she wanted her dc there. And that was her own children! Suddenly now everyone on Mumsnet thinks op is unreasonable for not doing it for a gps wedding? I agree with a pp, if granny wanted her dgc there so badly she should cough up and get married on a wknd.
But that's by the by anyway, this is about mil overstepping boundaries by contacting the school. I wouldn't be impressed if I'd made a decision and someone tried to overrule it.

YANBU!

SweetsForMySweet · 26/01/2015 12:44

Op, if it was your own mum getting remarried, would you be refusing to take your children along? It's only for a few hours not a whole day so yabu. Mil was unreasonable to contact the school (if she did) but she probably knew you weren't planning on bringing her grandchildren to her wedding. I presume she doesn't get married often Grin so it is important for her to have them there for that one afternoon.

TSSDNCOP · 26/01/2015 12:45

Could be its a particularly significant date they've chosen though. Not unheard of for people to chose an anniversary date, Valentines day etc for a wedding.

TSSDNCOP · 26/01/2015 12:47

Or if it was my mum, she'd just book it because it was available and because to most people asking for kids to be out of school for one day for a family wedding really, really isn't a big deal.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 26/01/2015 12:48

Both bad, but you just about swing it.

Mil for interfering with your DCs school.
You for being difficult about them having a day off for her wedding.

You and her obviously have issues, which drives your decision for the children not to attend her wedding, and this is unfair.

diddl · 26/01/2015 12:50

"Because you can't be fucked to parent your own children for 1hour in a church/registry.

She phoned because she knew you were too lazy too. Or wouldn't."

Yup, because god forbid that their father do anything towards his children going to his mum's wedding!

mamabear220 · 26/01/2015 12:52

YANBU

MIL (whether her intention was good or not) didnf have the right to phone up. While she might have thought that she was doing you a favour by ringing up I would be a bit Hmm plainly because it would feel like she was treating me like a child and bog trusting my word/judgement! Shock

shovetheholly · 26/01/2015 12:56

I think it was very interfering of your MIL to ring the school. It's not really her choice whether the GC are given the day off or not. I can see why you would be annoyed.

On the other hand, I do think it would show grace on your part to do your best to have the whole family there for her special day. I am a bit concerned that you seem to see authorised absences as a kind of bankable commodity, but this is probably the system and not you personally. I feel a bit despairing about school policies on this issue, because it's not like your children are really going to fall behind over one afternoon, and a bit of flexibility wouldn't hurt anyone. There is a huge difference between a couple of hours off one afternoon and three weeks off for a holiday.

edamsavestheday · 26/01/2015 12:56

Stop being so grudging and take your children to their grandmother's wedding. It really is important - their family is wider than just you and your side. May not be fun for you but that's just part of being a family especially when you have kids.

MoanCollins · 26/01/2015 12:58

But the OP has basically admitted that it's nothing to do with attendance and she's just doing it to spite MIL who has caught her out. She wanted to use school as an excuse but now she can't she basically has to own up to the fact she's just a nasty person who is prepared to use her children to get one up on her MIL. Completely disregarding the fact they would probably like to be with their Gran. There's a woman in my family who does this and her poor child has missed weddings and funerals she would have liked to be at. But hey, who cares about what the children want to do when they can be used as a weapon to grind axes and settle scores.

I'm absolutely horrified so many people are egging the OP on to use her children like this, it's pure spite and children shouldn't be used as weapons in adults petty squabbles.

OllyBJolly · 26/01/2015 13:02

I'm sure she was told she was BU and massively criticised and told she was selfish to even consider it and should get married in holidays/on a wknd if she wanted her dc there.

But isn't there a big difference? A parent's wedding is likely to need more than just an afternoon off? All the GM wants is to have her son,his wife, and dgs there. A dental check up would take more time!

I did read one thread about a bride furious that SD wouldn't take a week out of university to attend her wedding abroad! That is BU!

Chilicosrenegade · 26/01/2015 13:03

I didn't speak for her dh/DP because I don't know the particulars.

Apart from clearly kids reside with op.

And op had clearly stated SHE WAS NOT intending to do either task. And the conversation or lack of one is completely described in OP as between her and mil.

Meerka · 26/01/2015 13:03

I really think you should let the children go.

If there is a problem with her husband to be not wanting their noise, have a word with MIL about it. Talk your concern over.

She should not have gone to the school behind your back no. But I do think you're being unreasonable in not letting her grandchildren be there.

I think you need to arrange to see her, apologise and say that they can come. Then say to her that you do have a problem with her ringing the school and not leaving that to you, and that you'd prefer it if she went through you next time.

But wanting the grandchildren there - well naturally she would! wouldn't you, in her shoes?

FloatIsRechargedNow · 26/01/2015 13:03

Yes OP - Brian's suggestion is the way to go and btw YANBU.

stitch10yearson · 26/01/2015 13:04

yabvu. she is their grandmother. If your grandmother is getting married, that is a perfectly good reason to have an authorised absence. Going off on holiday to sit on a beach isn't.

mamabear220 · 26/01/2015 13:05

Moan*, when I read over the OP I saw her asking whether she thought it was appropriate for MIL to ring up school and ask if DC could attend her wedding. If OP doesn't want DC to go because of attendance then so be it. My own mother wouldn't let me skip school unless I was on my death bed with the flu. Some would see a wedding as fun break from school, others an intruption. Plus I'm slightly Hmm that the school gave the go ahead for the children to skip because of a wedding....

MoanCollins · 26/01/2015 13:05

And considering how quickly wedding places get booked up at the weekends and holidays then she might have had to put off her wedding for years just to make the OP happy. And even then they probably wouldn't have gone, because the OP has admitted she just doesn't want them to go and would have found another reason if it wasn't school.

paulapantsdown · 26/01/2015 13:10

Your MIL was out of order for calling the school.

You however obviously don't think your kids grandparents wedding is very important to them or her. Thats just mean. Unless they are sitting A levels then just take them for gods sake.

I bet your MIL would be really hurt to know this. What does your husband think?

pictish · 26/01/2015 13:13

Your mil's wedding is not 'willy nilly'.
Yabvu to suggest it is. You sound so cold.

Your mil wants her family with her on her significant day. I don't see anything wrong with her making enquiries to the school just to ask, because frankly you are being obstructive and inappropriate.

Stop being weird.

MoanCollins · 26/01/2015 13:14

But she's admitted it has nothing to do with attendance. She just doesn't want them to go to spite MIL. And even now she knows the school will authorise the absence she would still prefer not to take them and is just cross that she's had her excuse taken away.

The MIL ringing the school - that says to me that she's absolutely got the OPs number and it isn't the first time she's behaved like this. The MIL quite correctly realized that the school excuse was just a cover for stopping her grandchildren attending out of pure spite and she exposed that. Perhaps if the OP didn't want her to do that she shouldn't have lied in the first place, it's rather difficult to be exposed in a lie when you haven't told one. The. OPs been caught out by her MIL and she just has to suck it up now.

Original poster
creampie · 26/01/2015 13:15

Just to clarify, me, DH and MIL were present at original conversation. She said it was on a weekday. We said not sure about school policy, etc, but could pick them up after and bring them to evening do. Or she could move times, etc.

She then said, oh I'm sure it'll be fine, it's a special occasion, etc. We then said recent letters from school had indicated that no absences other than medical ones would be authorised. She continued to say I'm sure it'll be fine but if not they can just come to the evening.

This was in Sunday afternoon. Sunday evening DH and I had a brief chat about it maybe being better if children not there due to noise issue, etc, and HTB potentially using it as a stick to beat MIL with in future about ruining their day, kids generally being a pain (he doesn't like his own grand kids and doesn't really see why GPs would want a close relationship with them).

I then get a phone call this morning saying don't worry I've organised it all with the school, it's authorised. I was a bit Hmm

It then transpires it's not actually organised, as suggested, but has just been authorised in principle. Thus removing my parental objections.

We do get on well, but she does feel the world will bend over for her, generally speaking. Not so keen on FIL to be though, I have to admit!

OP posts:
cococandyfloss · 26/01/2015 13:24

YABU
The children being absent for their own grandparent's wedding is not them being off Willy Nilly! Let's face it , it isn't going to be a regular occurance.

YANBU
To be annoyed that your MIL contacted the school to check it was okay-that should have been left to you-it wasn't her place. Maybe she felt she had to check though as she was suspicious that you wouldn't actually check and were just saying they wouldn't give authorised absence ..which seems to be the case. However it still isn't her place.

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