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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MILs wedding day

255 replies

creampie · 26/01/2015 11:37

My MIL is getting remarried on a weekday afternoon. She has invited myself, DH, and our 2 DCs. I said my DH and I would attend but my DCs would be unlikely to get an authorised absence for this and so would just have to attend in the evening.

She's just phoned to say it's all fine, she's spoken to the school and they've authorised it. AIBU to be a bit about this?

OP posts:

diddl · 26/01/2015 12:12

Why don't you want them to go then?

Caboodle · 26/01/2015 12:13

YA both BU.

You should try your best to get your children to this wedding, one day off school does not equate to Granny's wedding (and it would support your DH). There is a good chance they would authorise this. If they didn't I would pay the fine anyway. FWIW my MiL has form but I would make sure my DCs attended her wedding. (I'm a teacher btw )

She should not have rung the school. However, I have a feeling once she has done this in a 'general' way she may do it in future in a 'more specific to your DCs' way. Make sure school are fully aware not to discuss your DCs with anyone but yourselves. They aren't supposed to but human nature and all that.

Don't just suck it up btw. Your dcs may really enjoy the day; make sure you do too.

There's more to this I think. What is the real reason you don't want them to go?

But how refreshing..AIBU? Mn=yes. OP = OK, I'll take the advice.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 26/01/2015 12:14

Anyone is perfectly entitled to ask a school what there general policy on an afternoon absence for a grandparents wedding. The OP said it's a general request, the school could not discuss the children at all with a grandparent (unless of course they have parental responsibility) and I'm sure schools are not obviously that dumb.

I agree, you're cross because you were caught out in a lie, rather than the truth. Tell the truth now, or whatever, but it's a good lesson in not trying to uses unjustified excuses.

Hassled · 26/01/2015 12:14

Agree it was a bit much that she called the school (and I struggle to believe it would be authorised, but some Heads are more creative with "exceptional circumstances" than others) - but, it's her wedding and she wants her grandchildren there. That's fair enough, isn't it? The fact you want the kids to go to school just in case you want your own unauthorised absence in the future is really belittling the importance of your MIL's wedding.

Tinkerball · 26/01/2015 12:14

Diddle the OP lied about the school being unlikely in authorising it, when she wasn't even going to check.

kaykayred · 26/01/2015 12:15

She stepped out of line ringing the school.

As you said, if having her grandchildren at her wedding was so important, then she should have arranged to have the wedding at a weekend.

Their education comes first. Not going to school so they can attend - essentially - a party - is out of line.

TSSDNCOP · 26/01/2015 12:16

I do think you should negotiate major wedding roles for the kids though, they should be bridesmaids and ring bearers at the least so they have something for show and tell

Original poster

creampie · 26/01/2015 12:17

And I probably do have a stubborn streak. There probably is a bit of her that comes across as people will agree to her way if things as long as the story is presented correctly, ie "her way", and people will agree to things for her that they wouldn't for others.

I just felt she was rubbing it in a bit that of course the school would agree to an authorised day if she spoke to them, whereas they maybe wouldn't have if I'd asked.

She is likely to now use this as further example of being able to get her way.

OP posts:

CarlaVeloso · 26/01/2015 12:17

Is it in a church or reg office? If it's a civil ceremony it won't last long. Just sit at the back with them or make sure DH-to-be knows there might be noise. Or bribe them with sweets to be quiet.

How old is your MIL? My DH's grandad remarried in his 70s and DH was mortified as a teenager because his friends kept making jokes about his Grandad on his honeymoon with hot new Grandma...

concretekitten · 26/01/2015 12:18

I think some people are being a bit hard on OP.
It doesn't matter what her reasons are for not wanting to take children to the wedding, it's hers and her DH's decision to make and MIL needs to keep her nose out.

Personally I would never think of not taking my DC to a close relative's wedding, unless maybe I was going to get fined by school for the absence.
But ultimately it's up to OP and her DH, nothing to do with MIL

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 12:20

But OP has told the truth.

She said the school was unlikely to authorise it. And they won't. It will be UNAUTHORISED.

'No MIL, you misunderstood. The absence would be an illegal one - an unauthorised one which will go on their record. The school couldn't stop us taking them but it will be a black mark. We'd already made the decision that overall it would be better for them to come for the evening, not have an unauthorised absence, and also, incidentally, that would mean that the ceremony could have the adult focus that I know H2B will prefer. I didn't want to mention it, but we both know he will actually not appreciate it if the children make a noise, and that isn't fair on either them or you. However now perhaps it's better to be straight- in addition to not wanting them to have the time out, I also think it would be a better way for them to take part - in the evening when they can be exuberant and not potentially spoil it for other guests.'

Hobby2014 · 26/01/2015 12:20

She's BU for calling school.
But, I think YABU for thinking mil getting married is willy nilly.
If they have a relationship with her then I'd see if I could have authorised absence for them. If you don't get authorised then fair play, mil should have chosen a weekend if it was that important to her to have the GC there. I'd possibly still take them out even if it wasn't authorised. Unless they were doing GCSEs etc.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 12:22

And yes, your reply will be - But if you really wanted them there, why is the wedding not on a weekend? We aren't willing to besmirch their attendance record, and the school knows full well that immediate family arrange weddings on weekends if children are essential guests.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 26/01/2015 12:23

'She is likely to now use this as further example of being able to get her way.'

then really, don't take them out. It's about more than the wedding - and she could have arranged it for a weekend if she really wanted them there. And, they WILL be there - for the evening!

Stick to your guns.

Original poster

creampie · 26/01/2015 12:24

Actually, I think I'm going with Brian's suggestion.

That way I can also absolve myself from any guilt over potential noise!

OP posts:

diddl · 26/01/2015 12:24

"Diddle the OP lied about the school being unlikely in authorising it, when she wasn't even going to check."

Yes, but does MIL know that she wasn't going to check?

She really has overstepped the mark.

If Op doesn't want to take her kids somewhere, that's up to her.

But presumably in this case it's up to her husband as he will be there as well & can help keep the children quiet if necessary.

I think you might need to point out that it doesn't matter what the school policy is if a parent doesn't apply for permission of absence!

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 26/01/2015 12:25

Literally LOL at "besmirch their attendance record" especially given the OP is saving up for some other 'unauthorised absence' family holiday? in the future.

diddl · 26/01/2015 12:25

Forgot to ask what time is it all?

Might it be convenient for them just to go to the reception/evening reception?

Tinkerball · 26/01/2015 12:30

Diddle it's not about whether OP knew the MIL was going to check or not - she lied, and she has admitted this and said she will need to be honest now.

zippey · 26/01/2015 12:30

Your MIL has gone about it with a heavy hand, but she was probably just very eager. If there are no other examples of where she overules you, you can assign this to be a "one off" (its her wedding, maybe a valid excused)

Of course she wants her grandchildren at her wedding. I dont think its fair to say you shouldnt expect children at a weekday wedding - she is probably trying to cut back costs, which is a fair thing to do.

The children will probably also enjoy a day off school. Its only a day, hardly going to impact their attendance records.

Mixtape · 26/01/2015 12:30

But they are school age aren't they - how noisy will they be? My two boys are complete animals a bit lively but manage to stay quiet during a ceremony - although I did have to take ds2 out of a wedding as a baby for crying.

post · 26/01/2015 12:34

do people really say 'besmirch' out loud?

GlitteryLipgloss · 26/01/2015 12:35

I had no idea whether or not the school would have authorised this or not, but I don't like the idea or taking them out willy-nilly and was hoping to keep attendance rates high in case we ever needed to take them out for some other unauthorised reason.
^^^^^^^
this is what you need to tell her when she questions YOUR decision regarding them not attending her weekday wedding. If she really wanted them there - she could of chosen a weekend day to get married on.

TSSDNCOP · 26/01/2015 12:35

Only when they're pontificating from a particularly high horse post

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 26/01/2015 12:36

Be honest? I'm sure that I didn't want the children at the ceremony because your HTB would have got a cob on if they'd made the slightest noise would have gone down well.

Also if it was so important to the OP's DH to have his children at his DM's wedding he could have insisted on asking the school for authorised time off so they could attend, yet seemingly he didn't.

OP YANBU to be annoyed. Your MIL overstepped the mark in ringing the school.

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