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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how not to look a pathetic case when you've just been dumped?

240 replies

whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 08:23

I can't remember being officially dumped since I was a teenager, and I'm taking it hard. It was a relationship that did need to change or end, but the way he did it felt cold and callous, and I don't feel like it left much room to "just be friends". We're co-workers, so I'm going to have to see the guy on a regular basis. And since he's friends with the "workplace gossip", everybody knew we were seeing each other and will now know that I've been chucked.

I know things will be fine in the long run, but at the moment I'm hurt and having to resist the urge to post passive aggressive facebook statuses (is that a word?) or pierce something or get a drastic haircut just to change the way I feel. It's like I've reverted to my dumped teenage self.

I have to see him at a team meeting (that I have to chair, so can't just sit quietly) and I need to resist the urge to cry or punch him in the face. How do I get through this with poise and dignity?

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 26/01/2015 11:55

He really does think he's something doesn't he

Agree! What a dick.

Also how did he realise so quickly that you'd removed him? Because HE was checking YOUR fb! Game playing.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 11:55

He has BPD. That's why the last year has been so shit, he's been down all the time and self harming.

OP posts:
wishmiplass · 26/01/2015 11:59

So what? BPD is not a valid excuse for being a using wanker. You're well rid. Poo in his box of belongings. x

PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 11:59

Hmm. I went out with someone once who was very depressed. When I broke up with him (apologetically, because I just couldn't manage with his moods) it turned out that he was also a right twat. Don't assume that he'd be a nicer person without the illness or that he can't be a twat all by himself.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 12:00

And I do know that game playing and need for attention goes along with the BPD diagnosis. So his text was "I don't get it, we're not friends anymore?"

My friends don't tell me that what I have to offer after working and caring for my family "isn't enough" for them. My friends are adults who like me for who I am and don't moan about my weaknesses.

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 12:03

Reply: "I think it is for the best that we don't speak for a while, at least. Best wishes, whothehellknows".

Don't feed his drama need by replying about how much he's hurt you - he'll LOVE that.

I did this to my depressive twat and it really hacked him off Grin

wishmiplass · 26/01/2015 12:05

I too went out with someone who was 'depressed'. I helped him to get help. Went with him to the doctor, supported his moods, put up with him telling me what a pathetic person I was and allowed him to use all his MH issues as an excuse for all kinds of shit.

This relationship culminated with him stamping my head into a kerbside. I look back now and realise that even if he was depressed, he was also an abusive fucking twat.

Not saying it's the same, who, just agree with Plumping that the two aren't mutually exclusive.

cozietoesie · 26/01/2015 12:05

He wants you hanging on his every word - and to be sitting crying thinking about him! Huh!

Just ignore him if you can outside work.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 12:08

I've turned off my phone, as it started pinging away with messages and I don't want to read them until I'm in better control of my impulses.

But I need to text my childminder. Dammit.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 12:09

No! Just don't answer. So much less stressful. That way you're nt then waiting for his response to your response, getting sucked back into the drama

BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2015 12:10

Phone the childminder from the landline.

cozietoesie · 26/01/2015 12:14

Can you block his number?

PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 12:14

I suggest:

Turn phone on
Exercise iron self-control in texting childminder only
Delete his texts
Block his number.

There is no need for you to read the messages - you are not obliged to do so. If he wants to pass a message to you about anything (say, belongings) then he can do it in person. It's truly horrible to get that sick feeling in your guts every time the phone pings because it might be them.....

Btw I have discarded scores of letters from yet another twattish ex without reading them because I realised that it wasn't helping me at all. It was all about him.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 12:14

I'm going to tape my fingers together so I can't respond.

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 26/01/2015 12:17

He's a twat plain and simple.
Male friend of mine told me he always tried to 'get one in the bag' if a relationship was ending because how was he supposed to know when he was getting his next shag?!
Some men are just cunts, your ex wants you to be moping around or trying to get his ass back

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 12:17

I can't really block his number for work reasons. I have to be contactable and vice versa. One of the team managers has twigged that something is up and emailed to ask if I'll be alright to go to the meeting.

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 12:25

Maybe change his name in your phone to 'Arse'? And give him a special personalised beep/ringer so that you'll have warning that it's him? That way you won't jump every time the phone beeps.

Delete all his messages and text him saying what I recommended above, but with this addition: "I think it is for the best that we don't speak for a while, unless it is strictly work-related. Best wishes, whothehellknows".

StrawberryMojito · 26/01/2015 12:27

To your manager "yes of course, see you there".

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 12:28

That's a good idea. Now to work out how to stop my phone previewing messages...

OP posts:
fatherpeeweestairmaster · 26/01/2015 12:35

Definitely change his name in your phone to Arse Who Thinks I Don't "Give" Enough.

I would ignore all texts but if you have to, go for the '... prefer not to speak for a while...' line but finish with 'best' or 'regards' or something really... coolly office-y. Which will sting, yet is unimpeachably polite.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 12:36

Yep, told the manager I was going.

Did I over-react by taking him off my facebook? I feel like it's going to be made out that I'm the one being difficult and preventing the split from being amicable.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 12:40

look, you have no shared property or children

you can act how you like..."amicable" or not doesn't really apply here

cozietoesie · 26/01/2015 12:42

No point now in talking about the 'Never date someone from work' bit but - if he was minded to cause issues at work (seeing as he's clearly a twat) how would that go down there?

TheWhiteRoad · 26/01/2015 12:46

No you've broken up. It's perfectly reasonable to not want them on your social media for a while. It's not petty in the slightest.

As AF points out, you don't have kids with him or own any property. You're prepared to be utterly professional at work. Do just what you like. And really? Texting to ask who you'd removed him from FB? He's acting like a teenager!

PlumpingUpPartridge · 26/01/2015 12:47

You didn't over-react - or at least, if you did, a huge proportion of the population would also 'over-react' under similar circumstances! Grin

His opinion doesn't matter any more. You have broken up. Ignore his opinion, it is not relevant to you.