To feel pissed off that that I am also grounded?!

[nottonightjoesphine]

My DD 7 had a meltdown last night over wanting more tv than agreed. She ended jo having to be manhandled to bed (think hanging onto door frames, walls - you name it.)
She isn't usually like that but she can be very cheeky and is answering back a lot recently. She spent a good 30 monitors at the top of the stairs screaming her lungs out after that.

I decided to ground her today. I have never done this before and regret it already. We are very outdoorsy and like to be on the go all the time. The sun is shining and I resent so much having to sit in all day to make a point to her! My mum tells me I'm not consistent enough so perhaps she's right. DD has apologised and is crying so much today. I feel terrible.

I am a single parent and work all week so am desperate to get out. It's not about me though is it?

WWYD?

I don't mean to sound smug. My oldest is the same age as the OPs daughter, I also have a 4 and a nearly 1yo. It just really irritates me the way people on here automatically assume that if you don't do naughty step/ grounding/taking away toys or screen time, your children must be feral nightmares. That isn t the case - there is more than one way to skin a cat!

I think as someone who does punish (always related and measured punishments), I am interested in seeing how Blue would handle outbursts/misbehaviour. I dont assume her kids are shits, but would actually like to know what she has done when

(1)her kid has refused to go to school
(2)her kids fight/rough and tumble
(3)they run amok somewhere they shouldnt

Please.....tell me.

Cocnutty Op didn't miss the lunch, she got a babysitter and went out

We are out for the day at an art club so when my dd asked in advance if she could watch a film when we got home, I made it clear that she could only watch part of it. My mistake was not telling her exactly how much, so that she was clear. Part way through the film I gave her a 20min notice.

Bad move?

"Really? You may like to ask my 18 year old about that. Or his teenage sister- neither have ever been punished."

Yes BigBlue, you wont explain how it works for you personally, so i can only draw from that you are not confident enough in it to do so.
Feel free to explain how i am wrong if you want.

So your children never did anything wrong or had things removed from them if they misbehaved? As there is no consequence to bad behaviour.

My neice behaved terribly as there (seemed to be) no punishments, she had no boundaries, and therefore nothing to push against....

As to what I do if they don't meet my high expectations? What lots of parents do. I threaten, I use natural consequences and loads of prior warnings about stuff eg how much screen time they are allowed in a given session and when it will end, I use my 'don't even think about it'teacher voice, I lose my rag and yell at them, and if need be I'll withdraw them pronto from situations where they are misbehaving. And yes, i talk to them about why I want them to behave in particular ways, and why I think certain things are important. I dont ever give in to tantrums, but they are certainly allowed to have them! I am ok with them knowing that i make mistakes. My mum never ever backed down, never justified never apologised, in fabled strict french parent stylee, and tbh it isnt a style i want to emulate. Im far from a perfect parent, but we muddle along OK.

bigbluestars
would you punish a dog? Your OH? An elderly relative?

LaQueen
Why would I treat my child in the same way I would treat a dog, or an elderly relative.

It's just one of those glib sounding non sequiturs that people hope makes them sound profound and insightful hmm

I think your judgement is unwarranted - the question made sense to me. Punishment is less of an option when dealing with bad behaviour from e.g. adults. We usually find other ways of addressing issues. No reason why children can't be treated in a similar way.

< removes cloak of invisibility >

.. and I say again, OP did not miss the lunch

< offers proof >

nottonightjoesphine Sun 25-Jan-15 13:26:43
Everyone- I'm at the lunch, without her

Yeah she's normally good with time warnings. Great in fact. Obviously she and bad days from time to time and will moan but is generally good. Incidentally my mum thinks I give her too many 'time warnings'- ie, from when dd was tiny I would always give notice about things like the bath (I'm going to take you out in two minutes etc) I just think this is a courtesy to her as a thinking feeling human being but my mum thinks I take it to the extreme, for example if I am going to leave dd with a babysitter I always 'ask' her if she's ok with it. She isn't always ok, so sometimes we end up in a stress about it, whereas my mum thinks I should just do it and not defer to a 7 year old for permission. I don't see it as seeking permission though.

I didn't ask for permission today though! Just went!

nottonightjoesphine Do you ask for your mum's advice, or does she volunteer it? You mentioned her opinions in your OP as well.

It sounds like your DD is equating love and discipline. You may need to talk to her about the difference between loving someone and letting them do what they want. Lots of children feel like their parents don't love them if they're being told off, and may ask for a hug, but loads of notes handed to you is a bit unusual. Sit down with her when things are calm and tell her that being told off or punished does not mean that you don't love her. With my Dd, I often say "I love you, but you cannot do ..."

I don't believe in these punishments that go on for hours/days. A situation arises, deal with it there and then and move on. Nothing worse than living under a threat of something that will happen unless you do this that and the other. It smacks of control.

I wouldn't stop someone watching a film halfway through.

I would though say 'bedtime is x and no more tv after then remember'. And switch it to something really dull at that time or off. Any commotion, and this is evidence of tiredness so best go to bed earlier tomorrow. Any wailing, she loses more time tomorrow after wasting my time tonight - eg that's 5 minutes of wailing tonight, which will be taken off tomorrow. Currently, bedtime is 20 mins earlier tomorrow. Are you going to carry on or do you just want to go up now?

Regarding the notes and requests for hugs, I think she is trying to manipulate you, but also that she is looking for reassurance that you love her. Can you accept them with a "I love you too" but continue on as before, or give a hug but continue the telling off? That is, reassure her that you love her, but cease to make it something that will change your behaviour?

Im also with you on warnings....

ie. You've got 10 mins then we need to leave the park (or whatever), then another one saying.. "time to leave in 5 minutes", then going. If the child plays up ignore ignore ignore. YOU have done the right thing.

Oh, and yes, just don't ever agree to part of a movie. A whole movie or no movie. "That movie goes past your bedtime, so we can't watch it". It is terribly difficult to leave a story partway through! As those of us adults who stay up too late reading books know well...

Absolutely murmuration. what a piss off for anyone. expecting a child to accept that is ridiculous.

I see no harm in time warnings as well, I've always done and it's never resulted in a meltdown with the dc about when it's time to get off the computer/leave the playground/ other.

What's the harm in it ? So far I've never had to punish mine either, however if I had a situation like you described OP - you bet your bottom dollar I would have.

You did the right thing.

Guys...hang on. She wanted a film, I advised that she could only watch part of it. She knew that she could chose something else that she would definitely be able to see through to the end...such as a 30min episode of a programme she watches every day.
Yeah I ask my mum for advice. She's lovely and usually quite wise!