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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off that that I am also grounded?!

207 replies

nottonightjoesphine · 25/01/2015 11:29

My DD 7 had a meltdown last night over wanting more tv than agreed. She ended jo having to be manhandled to bed (think hanging onto door frames, walls - you name it.)
She isn't usually like that but she can be very cheeky and is answering back a lot recently. She spent a good 30 monitors at the top of the stairs screaming her lungs out after that.

I decided to ground her today. I have never done this before and regret it already. We are very outdoorsy and like to be on the go all the time. The sun is shining and I resent so much having to sit in all day to make a point to her! My mum tells me I'm not consistent enough so perhaps she's right. DD has apologised and is crying so much today. I feel terrible.

I am a single parent and work all week so am desperate to get out. It's not about me though is it?

WWYD?

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 25/01/2015 13:33

You have done the right thing op! Do not apologise when you get home. Rather chat to her about behaviour and consequences going forward. Enjoy the lunch.

ImperialBlether · 25/01/2015 13:33

Reading this again, I think the main problem is you're too relaxed about bedtimes at the weekend. It sounds as though she was really over tired. Do you expect her to know when she's tired and take herself to bed? Do you expect her to behave reasonably when she's well past her bed time?

There are posts on MN every day by mums who are knackered and who have behaved badly. Maybe your daughter was the same?

ApocalypseThen · 25/01/2015 13:33

I did the right thing though, didn't I?

100%, and enjoy an extra glass of wine to congratulate yourself. You chose the hard road today and she'll be better for it even if if doesn't feel like that today. But nobody said parenting was easy.

Mrsjayy · 25/01/2015 13:34

Stay in and next time find a punishment that doesn't drive you daft oh and btw she is spoiled and acting out because you let her be strong she is pissed off she will be fine you haven't damaged her

Mrsjayy · 25/01/2015 13:38

Yes you are doing the right thing your dd misbehaved its all about actions and reaction if you do x y happens

BitOutOfPractice · 25/01/2015 13:41

Gosh bigblue did you get out of bed the wrong side today you are very...erm...touchy aren't you?

MrsDiesel · 25/01/2015 13:42

I would stick to it this time but choose a different punishment next time.

bigbluestars · 25/01/2015 13:45

I'm having a lovely day thanks.

Mrsjayy · 25/01/2015 13:46

When she gives you her little notes say well mummy loves you very much but you can't behave like this

FightOrFlight · 25/01/2015 13:49

I do love these 'you're doing it wrong and I'm doing it right but I'm not going to tell you how' posts. They contribute SO much to the OP's situation.

Perhaps it might be useful to PM the OP if you don't want to share the information on here or go and be smug and judgemental elsewhere

fairy There's a huge difference between appropriate sanctions and constantly overpunishing a child

Rosa · 25/01/2015 13:49

Actually I did read about it whilst pg along with lord knows what else bluestars In this situation with the info given what would you have done ??
Simple question , simple answer no????

Original poster
nottonightjoesphine · 25/01/2015 13:49

Thanks to each and every one of you. I feel a bit better.
I agree that being too lax at the weekends is a folly. I just always thought it was nice to throw rules to the wall on a weekend, snuggle up on the sofa and say goodbye to the confines of the working week. That's daft though, I see that now.

You are all fab!Grin

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 25/01/2015 13:54

Yes you're doing the right thing, it's ok

MillionToOneChances · 25/01/2015 14:02

I try to stick to logical consequences.

You don't go to bed at the agreed time? Bedtime is earlier tomorrow.
You won't switch off the device at the end of your allotted time? No time on the device the next day.
You scream and shout (beyond a few early complaints) about a consequence? It's doubled.

Can't remember where I read it originally but this is a decent explanation of it: www.extension.umn.edu/family/partnering-for-school-success/structure/using-natural-and-logical-consequences/

Hissy · 25/01/2015 14:02

My son can be awful if he is looking for attention because he's feeling anxious or in need of reassurance. He'll push my buttons all day until I pop.

You absolutely did the right thing on going out. When you get back have a serious and calm word with her that you will not have that kind of behaviour again, and that you expect more from her.

I'd suggest bringing the telly kerfew earlier too, so there are no distractions. Fix bedtime as a certain time and only if her behaviour warrants it, extend it.

Hissy · 25/01/2015 14:04

I spoke to my son when he was about 6, to say that if he wanted to get my attention, if he needed a hug etc to talk to me, not play up as it was having the opposite effect to what he wanted. I explained that he'd get what he needed sooner than if he went about things the way he was going

WellDidYa · 25/01/2015 14:10

i'd say that BigBlue cannot answer how s/he deals without punishing as s/he is obviously not confident that it is the right way to go.

I for one am very interested on how make a child go to bed on time, when they are refusing to get off their pc/ipad etc without a punishment?

I'm not googling ,i asked how YOU do it, not how someone on google does it

WellDidYa · 25/01/2015 14:10

(exactly right thing to do OP btw)

zoemaguire · 25/01/2015 14:11

We don't punish either, or at least not in the very formalised ways suggested on this thread. My kids are very far from being little shits; I'm regularly told that their good behaviour is a credit to us. I am actually a pretty strict parent and have very high expectations. But there is I find a distinct lack of imagination on mn about parenting styles, it is like you are either tough momma or weak ineffectual lentil weaver. In practise there is quite a range in between those extremes.

WellDidYa · 25/01/2015 14:33

"pretty strict parent and have very high expectations" so what happens when they 'dont meet your high expectations?"

I have, well used to have before DCs, high expectations that they would keep their rooms clean, but they dont..... got sod all to do with my expectations

Mrsjayy · 25/01/2015 14:36

Imo as long as parents are consistent then children know what s what whether they punish or do consequences or whatever

defineme · 25/01/2015 14:48

I wonder if not punishing is just a matter of semantics though? I tried a few 'classic' punishments when the kids were younger like naughty step and banning screen time..I didn't get on with them as I felt it transferred focus away from the transgression and also it simply didn't work- 2 out of 3 kids didn't give a shit about tv etc. But I think I do similar things like I never did time out in a formal counting the minutes way, but misbehaving dc got taken into another room to discuss their behaviour. If they misbehaved when we were out we just went home, but it didn't happen more than a handful of times. I think it was more that I was like we have to go home now and that's rubbish but I can only imagine you're tired etc if that's the way you're behaving.
hitting a sibling was a hard one...they didn't do it all until they were about 8. The most effective tack has been saying imagine if I told granny/teacher etc that you hit your brother...people will think very badly of you if you do that etc.
I am quite slack about their bedrooms, as i am about my own, so we tend to all rush around madly when guests are coming. Dd(10) recently rushed to get the hoover out without being told when we had visitors announce they were coming in an hour, so I think they are following in my own slack footsteps.
refusing to go to bed would depend on my mood, I would either joke them upstairs with a tickle or a chase, or fix them with a stare and say that's a pity because there will be no time for stories etc and its a big day tomorrow or jjust count to 10 which I have honestly always found works.
They never really tantrummed as toddlers, but I am not being smug...I have a ds with asd who does all manner of upsetting things, perhaps that's why I never found the younger 2 challenging?

LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre · 25/01/2015 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinceSpy · 25/01/2015 15:00

Stay strong and carry through with the punishment. Think you both need to apologise to the neighbours though.

Goldenbear · 25/01/2015 15:03

I think 'grounding' is a bit OTT for a 7 year old. It's very 'American' and unimaginative. In a way, you're mostly responsible for this as you have no bed time at the weekends. I am similar, in that we are very slack with bedtime for my nearly 8 year old at the weekend. As such, I can see how the behaviour kicked off as it sounds like it was pure overtiredness. Equally, as an adult I find your expectations of her confusing, let alone if I had to understand them as a 7 year old. I.e she's allowed to stay up late but no screen time and suddenly it's bed?

There is 'no' correlation between being a difficult child and parents that don't punish. It is down to the individual's personality. Some children I know are really badly behaved but their parents are very strict. Equally, I grew up with parents that didn't punish and we are well adjusted, civilised adults, we never got into trouble in a serious way or even in a teenage stereotypical way! In fact I enjoyed staying in watching 'have I got news for you' on a Friday night when I was 15!