To have a messy house, be unorganised, meal plans fail etc and I'm a SAHM

[Totallyuseless31]

I'm a stay at home mum to a toddler and a school age child. I drop dh at work every morning, then DD1 to school then I have basically 9-3 with my toddler. I pick DD1 up from school at 3.30 and DH up from work at 6. I can never get dinner ready for when we come in so DDs get overtired and go to bed late as dinner is late. My house is a tip and could do with a good clean. DH works overtime every weekend as the pay is double and is more than my full time earning power in his 2 days overtime. I do sell a lot of bits and bobs on eBay in the evenings so need to visit the post office most days. I currently do not take DD1 to any toddler groups and this is something I would like to start, as well as having a clean house (it will never be completely tidy lol) and meals that are home cooked and ready for when we come home in the evenings. But I just cannot seem to do this! I do not seem to have the motivation or organisation required. How do I achieve this? Surely 9-3 is enough time to get everything done? Plus I have weekends on my own which I could utilise. I know a full time working mum who runs a better home than me and she is single as well with ex having no access and she has no family help. What am I doing wrong? I need help to become organised!

OP are you depressed? If so then you have my sympathies. If not then you need to get your act together. What is wrong with your toddlers sleep pattern that causes you to sleep during the day?

Cooking- it can be done earlier in the day- cook a casserole, cottage pie etc in the morning, then all you have to do is reheat at dinner time.

What does everyone else do after school? We are lucky to have a large grass playground, so a lot of people stay for a while (I've still been there at 4.30 on nice days). It's an easy and free way to tire the kids out and have a chat.

I HATE going home every day after the school run. It is such a bloody long time to the kids bedtime.

Oh, and find out about playgroups. The one in our village starts at age 2.5 and is really cheap. My DD (second child) was desperate to get out and about and it was a lifesaver for both of us as I had some time to myself.

It's so hard when you're sleep deprived but obviously you need to sort out a dew things as you need to feel less stressed too.

I think sorting out your meals for the week will be a big help. I find when I'm disorganised, food takes up the most head space. What to cook, shopping for it, preparing etc
Try bbcgoodfood and find some one pot dishes so you can throw it all together. Plan for a week and shop on one day.

Instead of going on the internet, have you thought of downloading audio books from your library and listening to them while you do some cleaning?

Take the toddler out for fresh air and runaround every day if you can. It doesn't have to be for long. Go feed the ducks or walk in the park.

Don't give up your nap if you need it at the moment.

I hope you sort out the sleeping soon. I'm just sorting my toddlers sleep out now and she's 26 months!

Re sleeping in the car: at that age I gave them a bag of the Organix big carrot crisps. Very difficult to choke on and meant they didn't nod off. If she's had her dinner before you set off then it won't spoil her appetite. The wee rice cakes would be good too, and less orange

I'm sorry, I haven't read the entire thread, but got as far as you saying your toddler wakes 10 times a night. While this is ongoing, it is totally understandable that you are not getting stuff done, and you should stop beating yourself up.

I am not an expert on the sleep, but I am sure you will get plenty of advice on that from others here. However, for the rest, my advice would be to focus on one thing you want to change - for instance the meals.

The key is planning - perhaps sit down with DH over the weekend and plan the meals for the week, so at least you're not deciding every day. Get DH to help with the weekly shop .

Then every morning, make a list of what you need to do, incorporating the prep for that days meal, and maybe use Internet browsing ( or MN.) as a reward when your list is ticked off.

Would this help?

Can you set up Google Chrome (or whatever your browser is) so that you can only access MN, Facebook etc. for limited periods--say, 30 minutes twice a day? Do you know how to do that?

You've had some good advice on here. No, you are not hopeless or crap or anything else--you're sleep deprived and a bit depressed. but you are taking the first steps towards improving things by recognizing that there's an issue and asking for advice.

Good luck OP.

I have a 16 month old and I am just coming to the end of some CBT for anxiety.
One thing I'm realising is that baby steps are the way forward. Give your self credit when you do something different (do something with toddler, get tea on the table without rushing).
Often when we're depressed/anxious things can be black and white - I didn't stay off the Internet all day so I've failed - so for me, not checking fb for an hour is the first goal. Then maybe two hours the next day etc.
Same with jobs/house work - pick two or three for that day. I often overwhelm myself by thinking I should do a long list and that's not motivating at all so deciding which three are top priority and doing them leads to a sense of achievement.
Or even one and then sleep. Sleep is so important so do catch up when you can - I've been reading about self care recently and you just can't keep giving without looking after yourself.

Hi OP
I have just skimmed the thread and picked up that you said you struggle to get back to sleep once your DD has woken you. This was me, when my youngest was a similar age. DD would actually settle quite quickly again, but once awake I would be awake for hours, and was exhausted. It was like existing in a fog.
Two things really helped me; I discovered audiobooks and stopped drinking during the week. The auidio books (I use audible) helped me relax if I wasn't sleeping, and more often than not helped me to drop off again. Drinking was relevant too. Although I have never been a heavy drinker, alcohol affects my sleep pattern and I get more good quality sleep without it. Sometimes, especially with a toddler, quality sleep can help if you are not getting quantity.
Good luck

"pick dd up, come home do snack do reading with dd, watch TV with dds or mumsnet, pick Dh up"

In that two an a half hour period all you actually do (watching TV and browsing the internet doesn't count) is make a snack and read with your daughter.

Can you really not prepare the dinner then?

I'm the last person to suggest endless makework housework, but surely you could fit in ten minutes in the morning, ten minutes after lunch, and ten minutes after your DD gets home? Come on, that list of jobs is two hours absolute maximum, why is it taking you all day? I know work expands to fill the time available but that's ridiculous.

You need to get toddler and probably yourself out in air every day.

your description of toddler waking ten times- 2.00, 2.15 , 2.30.... 10.00, 10.30?? to my mind that's two periods of waking not five.... not being mean, just think u need to chget way you're looking at and doing things.

later u say u r depressed so u need to go to gp re this. But also get out of house walking for both of u.

Slow cooker food-it could go in the night before when DH is home.
Can DH cycle or take the car to work? That isn't helping you having to be his taxi service.
Give toddler a night light and some books so that there's something quiet to do and you're not woken?

I think you need to be more proactive though. After school-do a snack (what do you make that takes so long-I just open the biscuit tin!?) and pop the telly on but don't sit down-go and put the washing away or tidy a room whilst the kids are settled?

I think when you've been that sleep deprived for so long you fail to appreciate what a massive problem it is. This is what you need to tackle first, in my opinion, and forget the rest for now. I'd be surprised if you be able to sustain any tidy routine - even 5 minute ones - when you are that tired. And I'd expect the first time things started to unravel again, it would make you feel even worse: you posted on MN, got tips, tried to apply them, things unravelled again -- depression deepens along with bigger sense of failure.

Tackle the sleep first: start a thread collecting links and support to deal exclusively with the sleep.

OP I have a pre-schooler with behaviour issues and a 2.5mo on medication for reflux, and I am getting MORE sleep than you!! In fact, I'm getting a LOT more sleep than you. Seriously. I am totally amazed you are managing as much as you are. Well done for that. Give yourself a break.

If you are going to do one - ONE - other thing in addition to concertedly addressing sleep, I suggest getting outside. Just a walk around the block or playing with a ball in the park - and ONLY when you can manage it. Daylight will help with your mood. But scheduled groups ...? That will be hard to be on time regularly and it will make you feel like you failed if you miss one or drop them, as I think you might when you're that tired.

Big tidy-up plans, organised groups, meal targets - that's all for when you've cracked the sleep and have your sanity back.

Start that sleep help thread and let us know where it is. x

I also think that the tidying up plans, meal targets and (definitely) ironing can wait until you are getting more sleep and are able to get out with your toddler a bit more.

Tip for on the small walks (if you can manage): I bought DD a very small basket when she was about the same age as your toddler, and we called it her treasure basket. On the days I could make it outdoors and walk with her (even twenty minutes down the road outside our house), she'd take it with her and collect treasures to go in her basket: from feathers, to can pull-rings, to stones! It kept her busy and excited and all I had to do was stumble along next to her and chat about each treasure she found. When we sat down somewhere we'd empty the basket and count and explore what she had so far. And she couldn't wait to show DH her treasures when he got home. We still take her basket with us on walks now and she's 3.4yo now! This was a life saver in my recent pregnancy because I had severe SPD and could barely walk. So the 'exploring' compensated for boring short walks.

Hi OP. Hope you're internet free day is going well.
(I struggle with this. I find I am so busy trying to find tips and shortcuts I'm actually wasting so much time!)

Is there any way you husband could share a lift? Or drive himself? Do you really need a car for your day to day? I think the evening pick up is not helping you at all.

I know how you feel though, its a struggle to get that initial burst of motivation to do something.
My dd is 19mths and she bloody tires me out. I often nap when she does. Don't worry about dropping your nap if you need it!

Please try get yourself into a routine, it really does help. I didnt think it would work for me but I was so surprised how much it helps me. like the previous posters have said, break up your day into time slots, everything seems more achievable.

For examples of what I do in the mornings.... walk to local shop/walk to small park/toddler group/go to tescos/drive to big park/go to the softplay/try to visit family who aren't in work.

Other things that help me....

• lunch is usually picnic style food sandwich, fruit, crisps/cheese/yoghurt to save time.
• I don't iron unless its a special occasion. Buy things with lots of stretch. Life is too short. Get stuff out of the washer when its wet and hang up to air dry.
• if I take my niece to school, dd stays in PJs and wrapped up in coat and blankets to save time.
• yy to preprepared veg and mash!
• yy to trying to get the kiddies tea done straight after school.

-yy to trying sleep training. Its so hard but worth it.

• try and make everything a game with toddler, wrt to cleaning/getting dressed fastest/tidying.

Its so easy for us randoms on the internet to give advice, only you knows best what happens in your family. Be kind to yourself.
If you're in south Wales pm me!

I do not understand people telling you to do two meals surely you can make chilli, curry etc for everyone. Add extra chilli etc once you lift the kids portion. Feed them at 5:00 then reheat for yourself and DH once your home. I never make 2 separate meals.

Sit down and plan you week. I have lists for everything. If you get out more you will meet other SAHM's. I've met loads and organised days out to the zoo etc together so no need to use the internet for company. You definitely need contact with other adults too.

The sleep deprivation and depression is obviously why you can't get organised. Try some sleep training with the toddler, 10 times a night my god! Reward charts work great with toddlers. Getting out and about will tire the kids out too. You sound like you need a break so maybe still nap but cut it down to every second day?

Make 3 small changes each week and stick to them. If you do too much you will become overwhelmed and not succeed. Best of luck.

Can DH drive?

Do you actually need the car to get DD1 to school?

Can DH ride a bike to and from work?

I think it is the 6pm pick up that would send me over the edge.

Also, DD2 sleep does need addressing and that will make a big difference to you. Do you think if you went through the absolute agony of making her drop her nap she would sleep better through the night? It might be worth a go?

She may also sleep better if you can get her to the park or a toddler group.

It is really hard but I am sure you can make some little changes that will add up.

Op I sent you a pm

I'm back! I set myself the target of no internet until both girls are in bed and I did it! That's the only target I set myself today but it made a huge difference!! I had 3 hours spare?? And that was after breakfast/lunches, making a slow cooker meal, doing all laundry and ironing, bathing girls, doing reading with dd1, making flapjacks with dd1, playing computer games with dd1, taking girls to the park and watching a movie with the girls!! I must spend more time browsing the internet than I originally thought if not doing it freed up that much time, although admittedly weekend are normally my better days as I don't have to take dh to work as he drives at the weekend as I don't need the car for the school run and I don't nap because dd1 is not at school. But I am determined to make tomorrow no internet in the daytime too, if I can keep this up for a few days hopefully things will improve, it seems like no internet is the best change I could of made as I got so much done! I actually feel less lethargic too (although dd did sleep better last night and only woke 10pm, 1am and 5am) not sure why she slept better, maybe she read my post haha

Man WELL DONE OP I did proper grins. Really glad the bairn slept better as well.. half the battle

Aww good on you op! Well done.

Well done op! I restrict internet too. It's a thief of time.

I sometimes put my lap top battery in dc's school bag when I'm not working and lack the motivation to get things done.
I am guilty of becoming distracted by internet and books. Alas I have about 5,000 plus books and I wish I could rid myself of this encumbrance.