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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a messy house, be unorganised, meal plans fail etc and I'm a SAHM

318 replies

Totallyuseless31 · 24/01/2015 19:45

I'm a stay at home mum to a toddler and a school age child. I drop dh at work every morning, then DD1 to school then I have basically 9-3 with my toddler. I pick DD1 up from school at 3.30 and DH up from work at 6. I can never get dinner ready for when we come in so DDs get overtired and go to bed late as dinner is late. My house is a tip and could do with a good clean. DH works overtime every weekend as the pay is double and is more than my full time earning power in his 2 days overtime. I do sell a lot of bits and bobs on eBay in the evenings so need to visit the post office most days. I currently do not take DD1 to any toddler groups and this is something I would like to start, as well as having a clean house (it will never be completely tidy lol) and meals that are home cooked and ready for when we come home in the evenings. But I just cannot seem to do this! I do not seem to have the motivation or organisation required. How do I achieve this? Surely 9-3 is enough time to get everything done? Plus I have weekends on my own which I could utilise. I know a full time working mum who runs a better home than me and she is single as well with ex having no access and she has no family help. What am I doing wrong? I need help to become organised!

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Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 20:21

I just hope I can keep up this level of motivation tomorrow, especially if dd2 has a bad night like normal. But I'm determined to keep the internet off even if I do, surely watching TV and reading a few books with toddler and doing another slow cooker meal is manageable on hardly any sleep, and I have motivation to keep on top of the washing and ironing as both piles are empty after today :) although I admit ironing pile was small as I only iron certain things

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Almostfifty · 25/01/2015 20:34

I think the fact she's sleeping in the car when you pick your DH up is part of your problem with her sleep.

Could you try putting her down a wee bit later during the day, so she's not ready for a sleep at night? Or get DD1 to talk to her and entertain her, sing songs, etc to try to keep her awake so you can get her down easier at night?

If the internet had been around when I had my four I would never have got anything done! Well done for staying off it.

Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 20:39

Good idea to everyone who said try keep dd2 awake in the car (I'm just reading through today's posts) maybe I could get dd1 to entertain her with some toys or singing ( or failing that keep prodding her) only problem is dd1 is tired and grumpy in the car as well, I do have a singing cd somewhere I could fig out to try though.....

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Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 20:41

No, no one near us to give dh a lift and I need the car for school run. Thinking about it dd2 not sleeping is my main problem, followed by giving dh a lift, and then spending too much time on internet (or maybe that is my biggest problem!)

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Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 20:42

Out if those three things the internet is the only one I have control over

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Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 20:42

I wish we could afford a second car but we can't.....

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Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 20:44

Sorry if there is anyone I haven't replied to as there are so many messages, but I can assure you I have read them all and will take everything on board. Thank you so much everyone for the support :)

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GoodtoBetter · 25/01/2015 20:46

Sleep train DD2, it's the key to everything.

Lifesalemon · 25/01/2015 20:53

Pleased to hear you sound a bit more positive today. Good luck. Flowers

Waffles80 · 25/01/2015 21:05

I haven't read the whole thread because I was going cross-eyed in indignation at all the bloody judgey, negative bullshit. If you've nothing nice to say...DFOD.

I did want to say it's totally reasonable that you're napping in the day - your nights sound very difficult indeed and I am sure you'll feel so much better if you can sort toddler's sleep out.

Secondly, plan plan plan meals. Extra effort one night (making several cottage pies, for example), means an easy tea another night. A steamer is super handy for doing veg and barely needs any washing up.

Finally, groups are great. They get you through the tougher days and speaking to other mums IRL will make the world of difference.

Who cares if you haven't hoovered.

Hope you're ok - enjoy the positive comments here and file the negative ones under "i" for "ignore".

Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 21:16

Yes I will try a group, that one is my biggest challenge, but it is the one I most need to do for dd2 :(

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GoodtoBetter · 25/01/2015 21:19

You need to sort out the sleeping, THAT is the biggest challenge and the one thing that will change everything else.

Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 25/01/2015 21:26

I have no idea how to sort out the sleeping though :( dd1 didn't sleep through until age 4 (although she only used to wake once a night - and I thought I was tired back then lol) I have co slept with both of them out of necessity, they both start the night in the cot/bed but on first waking they come in with me and dh, thank god dd1 sleeps through now though, there was a short time when they both co slept with me and dh had to sleep in the spare room, but luckily dd1 found it annoying with dd2 in the bed crying for feeds so stopped co sleeping she now prefers her own bed :)

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BananaramaLlama · 25/01/2015 22:26

I wonder - if you are able to give dd2 some more attention during the day, maybe that will help with her if she is waking anxiously looking for you in the night? Especially if that can be in the form of getting outside and getting her doing more activity, so it helps to tire her out too? Sort of like the lovebomb idea, so that she gets her attention needs met during the day?

(This is totally not meant to be critical, my first was a terrible sleeper and I remember how hard it was being motivated to do anything more than sit on the computer). Well done on your day today, that's a great set of things you were able to do!

unlucky83 · 25/01/2015 23:10

DD1 was a terrible sleeper. I co-slept from 3 months (when I went back to work FT) - only way to keep sane - stopped even trying to put her in her own bed until she was 4 or 5yo.
Anyway can't remember exactly how old she was - between 1-2 yo I think but she started falling asleep in the car on the way home after I picked her up from Nursery at 6pm - a 20 min drive. I had to wake her up to feed her etc then I couldn't get her to sleep at night and she was overtired and stroppy -'past it'. If I didn't wake her she would wake up hungry and stroppy at about 8pm. I started giving the nursery some dinner for them to warm up for her at 5.30pm and they put her in PJs too. Then I just put her straight to bed when we got home. She did still wake up in the night (late evening and later) but at least she'd been asleep most of the evening and I could get stuff done...and she wasn't as stroppy. Then at a certain point she just stopped falling asleep so I went back to feeding her at home. It didn't last long.
(Thinking about it -occasionally if I could I would give her a quick bath in the mornings - but sometimes she mustn't have had a bath for 5 days Blush)

MistressDeeCee · 26/01/2015 11:13

You sound sleep deprived and depressed to me. Those 2 things are the biggest "un-motivators". Can you cook in batches? ie meals that will cover 2 days. Force yourself to get up and out a bit more with toddler..the fresh air will help with sleep for the both of you. If you can get along to a toddler grop then thats a good activity for your little one and you will get some adult company too for a little while. Get a de-clutter book. It probably seems like a huge step to take..mess and stress can be very overwhelming but if you can make a start then you'll feel better soon. It all starts with you. See your GP if you're feeling particularly down. & on weekends alone pamper and do something nice for yourself when you can..rather than waiting for the whole merry go round to begin again.

memememum · 26/01/2015 11:44

Can you ask your do to take on 2 nights a week so you can start feeling slightly less tired and depressed?

How about going out to something different once a week (toddler group, soft play, coffee meet up).

You could try to get together with another family with kids for a weekend activity sometimes. Looking after little ones is extremely intense and having another adult around for moral support/empathy just lightens the load a bit.

memememum · 26/01/2015 11:46

Sorry I meant your DP (not do)

saltedcaramelicious · 26/01/2015 13:45

How far away is your DH's work? Could he not cycle? My exH used to cycle for an hour each way for work so it is do-able and great exercise too. Failing that, what about a moped? Very cheap to run.
Cutting out your DH's commute would give so many benefits.

passthewineplz · 26/01/2015 16:10

Glad you had a better day yesterday. Hope today is going as well. Google sleep techniques for toddlers, there's some good suggestions. The putting them back to bed and not talking is a good one, but be prepared to having to do it a few times before they get the jist. Also could hubby or you sit in the back of the car to keep her entertained and awake? X

wishmiplass · 26/01/2015 16:19

Totally Have pmd you with some support information. Hope useful. xx

katese11 · 26/01/2015 16:24

Sorry, skim read the responses but Internet shopping is a complete lifesaver for me. I order pretty much the same things every week, it comes on a Tuesday and so I know when I work on a Thursday I'll have all the things I need to make a slow cooked pile o stuff. I chop the veg the night before and literally throw it in in the morning (sometimes while clutching a toddler and/or toast in the other hand)

Online shopping just reduces the need to think about and plan meals, plus you know your staples are always being replenished (bread, cereal etc) I think that would reduce your stress a lot.

Favouritethings · 26/01/2015 17:01

Drop the toddlers nap so is more inclined to sleep through the night.

What are you browsing for on the internet? Perhaps you need to limit that.

Maybe go to the P.O once a week instead of daily?

Find a local toddler group and timetable it in to your day. You might find your toddler sleeps through if does more during the day to tire them out.

It gets easier Flowers

Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 26/01/2015 19:50

Well toddler was awake most of the night, was holding her ear and screaming but has been fine today so not sure if it was teething related but am keeping an eye on it. I managed to declutter the ground floor this morning while toddler watched TV and pottered about, and then went back to bed this afternoon. I did manage to prepare a salad after school run while dc watched TV so I atleast had a meal ready for after we picked dh up. So progress has been made today, de cluttered ground floor and pre prepared dinner. I feel bad I didn't do anything with toddler but I just can't face it on that little sleep.

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Original poster
Totallyuseless31 · 26/01/2015 19:53

Forgot to say the other day there is no health reasons for toddlers lack of sleep, she slept through until 15 months old, but then she had chickenpox, stomach bug, endless colds (since dd1 started school) not to mention the teething (didn't get her first tooth until 12 months) and just hasn't slept through since. Health visitor thinks it is normal.

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