To have a messy house, be unorganised, meal plans fail etc and I'm a SAHM

[Totallyuseless31]

I'm a stay at home mum to a toddler and a school age child. I drop dh at work every morning, then DD1 to school then I have basically 9-3 with my toddler. I pick DD1 up from school at 3.30 and DH up from work at 6. I can never get dinner ready for when we come in so DDs get overtired and go to bed late as dinner is late. My house is a tip and could do with a good clean. DH works overtime every weekend as the pay is double and is more than my full time earning power in his 2 days overtime. I do sell a lot of bits and bobs on eBay in the evenings so need to visit the post office most days. I currently do not take DD1 to any toddler groups and this is something I would like to start, as well as having a clean house (it will never be completely tidy lol) and meals that are home cooked and ready for when we come home in the evenings. But I just cannot seem to do this! I do not seem to have the motivation or organisation required. How do I achieve this? Surely 9-3 is enough time to get everything done? Plus I have weekends on my own which I could utilise. I know a full time working mum who runs a better home than me and she is single as well with ex having no access and she has no family help. What am I doing wrong? I need help to become organised!

It's normal in the sense that it's a habit that has formed. But the habit can be broken.

Some unsettled sleep may be normal but 10 times a night, every night has some form of bad habit attached to it. I'd go to the GP about the ear holding and screaming thing - ear infections can feel worse when lying down.

I understand that you must feel awful on such a small amount of sleep every night but your toddler (and you) need to do something at some point. IMO this is even more important that having food ready. We have a playgroup near us with loads of toys and a little soft play slide. DD loves it, it's a change of scenery and I can pay 50p for a cuppa and just watch her play. Sometimes there are people I know there, sometimes not. This is not more stressful and tiring than being at home and she gains enormously from getting out the house and just being somewhere else with other children and different toys.

Can you investigate unstructured playgroups rather than 'activities'?

Have you checked you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to? Sounds like a bit of extra money would be hugely helpful.

Also you have to be up, dressed, breakfasted and out anyway early... Don't go back home until you've been to the post office and a playgroup. Then you've done the activity for the day and hopefully DD will have a good nap because she's tired. You can have lunch and MN and then spend the afternoon getting on without guilt.

Decluttering is great, devote a weekend to that and then it takes so little time to tidy up. I nap a lot and just whizz round in twenty I tues because everything has a place to live.

Small baby steps hun, take one day at a time.

when your toddler is a bit better I'd look at sleep techniques, if you can crack that you'll have a bit more energy. Re picking dh up, did you manage to keep her awake?

Do the jobs if the post office is open on your way back from dropping off the husband. it will all come right. We both worked with children that age and could fit what you do into out of working hours so I am sure you can.

Yes I managed to keep little one awake with the iPad (and a lot of prodding from big sister) tonight :) and she went down at 7 without a fuss

And so far is still asleep

Fingers crossed you have a better night tonight.

You need to get out of this cycle of doing nothing first of all. When you drop dh and dc1 off, come home and put some bolognese in the slow cooker. Spend some time playing with dc2, go for a walk or a group or the park after the post office then come home, feed dc2, put down for nap and clean the house. Don't go to sleep! You have to break the cycle.

When dc1 is collected, do homework while giving dc2 some paper and pencils/crayons to draw. Feed dc at 4.30/5. Little relaxing time before collecting dh at 6. Bath and put the kids to bed from then and afterwards (7/7.30) enjoy a meal with dh.

Routine is what makes children sleep through at night, as well as plenty of stimulation from outwith the home. Nice walks exhaust kids, a swim in the pool, knowing meal times, nap times, and stimulation happen at regular times, that exhausts kids and settles them into a nice bedtime routine.

You dont need to do Any. Ironing. At. All.
Get husband to iron own shirts for work.
focus on one thing at a time

1. Sort out toddler sleeping first - fresh air and long walks with mummy talking about what you see around you - take toddler to the shop to buy some stuff for dinner - get her to count the carrots or help carry some of it. Relaxing tv or video or read her a book before bed. Take snacks to eat while you are out, chunks of cheese and raisins and crackers so you dont have to feed her when you get home.
2. Simple meals - soup, sandwiches, meat plus jar of curry or bolognaise sauce etc, mince+tin tomatoes+tin chilli beans+rice, buy yourself a cheats cook book, eggy bread, sausage beans nnd chips, burger and chips, beans on toast. Get hubby to do one meal a week. Fish and chips once a week. make a big batch of soup or double quantities casserole and save for next day. Baked potatoes and beans and cheese or tuna. Buy a cheats cook book.

3.clear up one room per week. Do a different room each week, but keep the kitchen and loo hygenic. Ask husband to help blitz one room at a time, between two its much quicker, you could, probably do a room in 20 mins. Involve the toddler asking them to move stuff even though they may not really be any help at first.

I stayed at home for 6 years with children and used to get out of the mess/house as much as possible to stay sane. You are NOT being unreasonable.

I've read the whole thread and sympathise hugely. Here's a few suggestions. I'm sorry if they've been answered already.

Could dp cycle to work?
How far is the school? Could you walk/take a bus so Dp can have the car?
No internet in the day is fab! I aspire to that!
Where are you based?im sure someone could suggest groups?

Well done! You've done so well already!

In my experience depression/sleep deprivation make even the smallest of things seem insurmountable. You can do this and have done amazingly well already.

Personally, I think you're doing quite well considering. Especially in regard to the sleep deprivation. I don't know how old your toddler is but at 23 months my DD went from never having slept for longer than 3 hours at a time, waking at least 3-5 times per night, and spending half the night co sleeping to magically sleeping 10-11 hours through in her own bed. This all happened within the space of about a week or two. We did nothing to "sort it out". I always had the feeling that it was developmental / neurological rather than "a bad habit" as people so often say. The only sleep training that we did was night weaning at around 15 months. By all dans try some stuff if you think it will help, but don't give yourself a hard time if it doesn't stick. Hang in there.

I don't know your DH's working situation, but I'm guessing he's exhausted too from working 7 days?

Is there any way of him booking some leave in the forthcoming half term week (a sympathetic boss might allow under the circumstances)? This will give you all time together and a chance to tackle a few issues. Without the school run to worry about you can sort toddler sleeping out once and for all (hopefully only take a few nights of pain to resolve), spend the mornings de-cluttering together (load up the car for the tip; be ruthless), then spend the afternoons as a family doing fun (active!) stuff. Bowling/swimming if you have spare cash, park/scooters if not.

Or could he book Fridays or Mondays off for a few weeks? Then he'd have a break from work and you'd get some help (either him taking toddler out in the morning on school run whilst you tidy & make dinner or you all pitch in and have the afternoon free).

If you need adult company is there any room for him to drop you somewhere after you've picked him up from work? Dance class/gym/swimming/pub!? He drops you one night a week, takes the kids home and puts to bed (you've given them early tea and they have a brioche/roll/snack in the car). You return the favour by looking after kids one night whilst he goes out (or goes to bed early if too knackered!).

Sympathies op. I have a 4 yo and a non sleeping 21m old. If I didn't work I'd go crazy.

Dd sleeping is slowly improving but she suffers with separation anxiety too. Definitely more interaction in the day will help this. Lots of eye contact and cuddles, play together and yes go out in the fresh air, just to a park is fine.

Try the techniques on this sleep thread. It's good for babies like ours with separation anxiety and has improved DD's sleep to going down ok with hand holding and waking usually once.

I can't recommend swimming enough as an activity. It tires them out and they sleep better, lovely cuddle time, and the start of learning an important life skill.

I applaud your decision to cut out the Internet in the daytime. I had to do this too (breaking the rule today as home alone and sick in bed so I'm allowed!). Do stick with it, however tempting.

It must seem there's so much to fix there's no point trying, but you can do this, baby steps. Good luck op.

Well I was going to say I failed today as I fave been on internet for 45 minutes this morning, but I won't say I failed as I have done more than usual, I just had a lapse. I did clean the whole kitchen after school run and went to marks and Spencer's to buy something frozen and quick to put in the oven tonight, but the when I got in I browsed the net while little one watched cbeebies instead or reading to her like I had planned. But I won't let one minor set back stop me. She is napping now so I'm having a rest, mumsnet and cup of tea which and then I will do the laundry.

Dd woke 3 times last night so she has started slowing down since I started this thread, and we have noticed a new teeth appeared thus morning :)

Tooth not teeth!

And this not thus, stupid phone.

Hi Totally. Did you look into the information I sent? x

Yes I would need a referral for home start in my area

You can refer yourself - you don't have to be referred by an agency. Get the number for the one in your areas and give them a call. Someone will come to see you I'm sure. x

Ok thanks I will do that x

Back on internet after school run, I think I may need to lock my phone somewhere in the daytime!! I managed 2 days but have fallen off the wagon today. But I do have a clean kitchen and a meal to pop in the oven later so I won't be too harsh on myself!!

And while browsing the internet I have found a group to take my little one too tomorrow!