To have a messy house, be unorganised, meal plans fail etc and I'm a SAHM

[Totallyuseless31]

I'm a stay at home mum to a toddler and a school age child. I drop dh at work every morning, then DD1 to school then I have basically 9-3 with my toddler. I pick DD1 up from school at 3.30 and DH up from work at 6. I can never get dinner ready for when we come in so DDs get overtired and go to bed late as dinner is late. My house is a tip and could do with a good clean. DH works overtime every weekend as the pay is double and is more than my full time earning power in his 2 days overtime. I do sell a lot of bits and bobs on eBay in the evenings so need to visit the post office most days. I currently do not take DD1 to any toddler groups and this is something I would like to start, as well as having a clean house (it will never be completely tidy lol) and meals that are home cooked and ready for when we come home in the evenings. But I just cannot seem to do this! I do not seem to have the motivation or organisation required. How do I achieve this? Surely 9-3 is enough time to get everything done? Plus I have weekends on my own which I could utilise. I know a full time working mum who runs a better home than me and she is single as well with ex having no access and she has no family help. What am I doing wrong? I need help to become organised!

I was in a similar situation to you until recently, OP, and it turned out I was quite severely depressed. I am on the mend now, due partly to ADs, but also (or maybe because of which) I am trying to slowly but surely get things sorted.
Definitely find a regular group to go to. If you can afford it, one you pay a certain amount for might make you more motivated because you feel more like you really should go. Plus I always find the getting out the door part the hardest, once I am out I feel fine.
I also Ebay things regularly but have limited myself to a maximum of five items for sale at any time, so it's manageable.
In terms of the house, the more cluttered it looks,the worse you will feel. Start slowly, in small chunks. I don't know how old DD is but can she not tidy her toys away before bed,for example?

It will get easier, promise!

My immediate thoughts are that toddler is seriously overtired.

She is waking early into the evening when she would normally be in quite a deep sleep for 3 hours or so.

It also rings bells that she is falling asleep in the car a couple of hours after a long nap!

For a few days can you do a very early bedtime for her?

Can you give her tea and get her bathed before you collect DH. If she falls asleep in the car - put her straight to bed?

I think like many posters, if you can crack her sleep you will feel so much better.

The chances are her poor sleep relates to either chronic sleep deprivation, due to constant night wakings and illness (whiich ime can build up over time) or sometimes (my DS is a candidate) - too long a nap.

In your case initially I would say the former as she is falling asleep a few hours after a nap, and she wakes frequently but briefly in the night.

When my son was/is undertired - he would settle quickly when he went to bed at night, but wake for longish periods and then very early in the morning.

Once she stops waking so frequently you can stop your own napping and will have sufficient time to organise yourself in the day.

I wish you'd change your user name! I presume your children are loved, clean and fed. There - good mum, no way 'totally useless'. The rest - cleaning, tidying, organising - is of value but not the most important stuff. I am very organised. My good friend is like you! I think we both have our strengths/weaknesses. I reckon our kids are equally well cared for, it's just mine live in a cleaner house - big deal!
Perhaps if it makes you feel better you could get in to a little routine - say go out with toddler in the morning, do a house job in the afternoon. That's what I did. I had a certain job for a particular day, so I didn't have to face it all at once.
But whatever you decide, never think of yourself as useless. I bet your kids don't think so x

Marking place for getting organised tips!

You said upthread that you struggle to go back to sleep.3 days ago there was an article on my fb newsfeed about the 4-7-8 method. Breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 7, breathe out for 8. Repeat. Ive always stuggled to drop off and using this the last couple of nights has been a revelation. 5 minutes max. But you must keep counting.

Re everything else, as others have said
sort sleep
get iron and thyroid checked, treatment for depression.
slow cooker all the way
fly lady
marie kondo
set posting days on ebay
stop browsing tinternet during the day
research nursery options.

good luck

bobby thats a lovely post

This thread has given me a kick up the bum. Thanks op and good luck!

I don't think you should give up your daily nap, it is good for both of you. When mine were small we went out every morning because I really needed adult company. You could combine your trip to the post office with a toddler group or library story time. Being with other mums kept me sane when I was suffering with depression. We also used to try and walk everywhere, the fresh air may tire your toddler out. Swimming was another way to tire them out. I think if you did try and do something every morning you wouldn't feel so bad about letting them entertain each other in the afternoon, then you can go on the Internet or make a quick dinner. I also think you should try and feed them something quick before you pick up your DH, then let him put them to bed.

If you are in the north west I will happily come to a toddler group or something with you

Does anyone at your DH's work who does the same shifts live nearish you? If so, he could ask if he could pay them petrol money and get a lift with them, maybe walking round to theirs. You'd have to buy your own petrol for the trip so shouldn't be any worse off but it would free you up to attend to the kids. Plus I agree that he should take at least one weekend day off j month, preferably two, to help you and see the kids, even if it means severe household cutbacks. You both need a break from your 7 day a week norm.

Yeah I have this, supposed to be starting new business, Dh thinks house should Be immuculate!!! I can do one or either not both, so I guess it has got to give,. I know the hours go very quick!!!

Your problem is the night waking toddler. Tell your health visitor and get some help. It's unhealthy for both of you to be so sleep deprived.

Your priority right now needs to be getting both of you a decent nights sleep on a regular basis and dp needs to play his part in this too. Why isn't he getting up at night?

Try this for hubby?

www.nationalcarshare.co.uk/

And make sleep the family priority, not housework.

Definitely get your thyroid checked. I have Hashimoto's (autoimmune thyroiditis) and when I'm having a flare, not only can I not fall asleep easily, I wake at 4am with a jolt. It's ghastly.

And get your toddler's sleep sorted. We used a gradual retreat method when my son was 16 months and it worked amazingly well. Sleep Lady Shuffle, it was called.

Meantime, get on a B Vitamin complex, an kid's iron supplement (for you, but easier on the system), some Magnesium and take a half teaspoon of salt in the morning. During times of high stress, this supports your adrenal glands, which become overtaxed when you're running on empty.

Good luck.

Oh, honey. :) It's such a Catch 22. The more tired and depressed you are, the less you can do around the house...which makes you tired and depressed! I'm the same. If the house is tidy I have tons of energy, get DD out of the house, start projects etc. But when it's untidy and I need the energy, I get overwhelmed and just sit there staring at the mess.

I agree with everyone here. Just do small bits. Make a list and check it off. When overwhelmed, I set an alarm to go off every few hours or so during the day, and then just set the timer for ten or 15 minutes. I tell myself "I'll just tidy for ten minutes" and usually end up doing more. You will be surprised how much you can get done if you're trying to beat the clock!

Are you on Pinterest? There are so many really easy slow cooker meals...use store bought marinades etc til you find your feet. You can bung in a chicken on top of ready chopped veg in just a few minutes.

It's so hard to get out sometimes when you lack the motivation but even just getting out for a walk with your DD will help so much...the sunshine and fresh air will give you a boost and help wear her out. Can you pop her in the tub during the day? Lots of water and some toys, even the splashing in the tub may tire her out a bit. Then you could sit by her and fold laundry or clean the bathroom while she plays.

You really can do it. :)

I've read most of this thread, and I've been where you are, OP. It's miserable.

The one thing I've not seen mentioned is Homestart. It's a brilliant charity. You can self refer, it's not income tested, and you'll get a lovely volunteer around once a week for a few hours to give you a hand. They could help with the housework, give you a shoulder to cry on, take the LO out to the park while you have a bit of 'me' time, or just give you some weekly motivation to get stuff done.

They are all lovely people - I should know, as I was one! - and you get support for as long as you need it.

I haven't worked out how to do links via my iPad, but when you next allow yourself online, check them out.

I don't usually post when a thread has had lots go good replies already, but I just wanted to say I understand OP AND I've been where you are.

You have a LOT on your plate. I agree with the advice to try and get out and about a bit more. Not just for your DD, but for you. I have suffered from low mood from time to time and still do if I'm not very careful and exercise is something that has really helped me. It gets you both out of the house too, which minimises the mess.

Change the small things first OP, just one at a time. Don't focus too much on what you aren't getting done, but on what makes you feel better. Once you start to turn a corner you'll find the other stuff follows on from that.

Good luck and don't forget, you're not alone!

Ok, first of all well done for coping as long as you have - you deserve a medal for functioning on that little sleep. You really need to sort the sleep: it's not normal or healthy for an 18 month old to be waking that often. You need to get her sleeping better for her sake as well as yours. So here's an action plan for you re sleep:

1. Google sleep training and you should be able to find plenty of info on the Internet re eg controlled crying. Ignore anyone (including on mumsnet) who says its cruel. At 18 months it's not and its actully far worse for your toddler and detrimental to her development to have a mum who is too tired to interact with her.

1. Get your husband involved as well- maybe get him to do the training if you find it too hard.

1. Go to the gp and/or hv if and tell them about your daughters sleep. There may be a medicl reason you should rule out for that amount of wakings.

1. Self refer to home start charity as suggested by poster above.

1. Don't worry about anything else till you've got sleep sorted. Seriously it's crucially important for all of you to sort it.

Good luck!!

Having a toddler at home is hard work.

Perhaps this has already been said, but surely you could go to the post office 2x weekly rather than 5x? If you went on say, Tuesday and Thursday (and maybe you could go Saturday am) then you could still say you post within 24 hours on your selling page.

Does your DP drive? Can you give him the car some days so you don't have to pick him up?

I find using phone timers for everything helps - take washing out, stop mumsnetting, check food in oven etc. I talk to Siri more than my DP some days!

If you can, go out early and when you are at the Post Office use the same trip to tire out DC with a trip to park/library at the same time. I also run an eBay business so I know how much of a bind the posting is!

Definitely prepare food early in the day, so it's either all ready to cook or shoved in slow cooker - I have a 2 & 3 yr old and this is the tip that makes my afternoons 100% less stressful

also rope youngest toddler in when cleaning. Again, I find them more cooperative in the mornings. They arent much help but if you give them a duster to wave or some kitchen utensils to tip out whilst you are cleaning up then they are less likely to be causing chaos elsewhere!

Your dd2's sleep is the big one to tackle IMO and in particular trying to prevent her sleeping at 5/6 pm I wonder if you were able to cook a slow cooker meal (10 mins prep whilst kids are having breakfast) and give the dc's their dinner before you pick up dh, it may give dc2 that extra boost of energy to keep going and not fall asleep in the car. Can you play games - e.g guess the animal/sing songs in the car to avoid dc2 sleeping in the car? Then when home, get kids ready for bed and you and dh sit together for meal at 7 with no extra cooking involved and one pot to wash up.

In terms of night time waking, have you tried 'gradual withdrawal'? It's the only technique that worked for me and dd1 was a difficult sleeper. I would also think of trying the same technique in the day eventually so she is not reliant on falling asleep on you.

I also don't think it's sustainable for dh to work 7 days a week, no-one can do that with no break!

Other great suggestions on here re. Less internet (you could give yourself a fixed slot if giving up altogether doesn't work) and a weekly routine for housework, eBay, toddler groups etc

Good luck

Can I just say that GP isn't always the answer. I'm pretty much where the OP is with exhaustion and depression (except my Dh is about at weekends) and my GPS suggestion was to have a weekend away with my husband without the children as I'm clearly exhausted she didn't mention who was going to pay for it, or who would look after the children whilst we were away, or who would do the washing and homework ready for school on Monday

Anyway you have my sympathy OP. It's hard when you're with them 24/7. Your day sounds similar to mine, except my toddler won't entertain going to bed before the school run. I find that if we get out e.g. walk to school rather than drive she may fall asleep in the buggy and then I'll get 20 mins grace to put washing on, tidy bedrooms etc. I'm talking minimal tidying here - not de cluttering.
Dishwasher is unloaded at some point, and she likes to 'help'. Polishing also gets done as an activity (wet know how to live).Basically during the week I do the minimum to keep the house hygienic and trip free.

I try to meal plan on a Fri over a glass of wine so that I know what I need to buy for the week. Weekdays dinner has to take not longer than 30 minutes / can be left in oven so we have stuff like baked potato, spag bol, casserole. Veg is of the chuck in the pan variety eg New potatoes, broccoli - doesn't take long to prep. Not too exciting but needs must. I try and sort dinner when the dcs are having their afternoon snack and I'm listening to reading

I MN whilst she feeds (still feeds) and don't feel guilty. It's pretty much the only adult interaction I get during the day. Toddler groups whilst good for them, can be crippling for you when you have depression and just want to hide. We go to the library rhyme time, which is free and involves a walk but even that doesn't encourage sleep. Winter is hard. It's better being at home in the summer - there is no doubt.

Sounds like you are doing your best OP but do go and get the support of your HV - they may be able to help you.

Can't you prepare dinner in a slow cooker while your toddler has lunch and naps? If I has 9-3 with a toddler that I didn't even take to any groups then I would def have time to do this. I work 4 days a week, have a non napping toddler when we are at home and Dp gets home around 6pm. DD is fed by this point, and he will bath and get her ready for bed while I prepare dinner for us if I haven't done so already. Can your children eat early, before you pick up Dh?

How do you forget to put the food in the slow cooker??

You do found incredibly unorganised but good you are looking to change.

Either use the slow cooker or prepare the meal during the day. Put peppa on for toddler while you do this if he won't sit and play with toys.

Prepare a spaghetti bolognaise, use two lots of bolognaise to freeze the other half. Reheat later and feed kids at 5pm. Bath at 5.30, them take them in thier pj's to get Dh. Home, teeth, story bed at 7.

Have your dinner. Clean and tidy downstairs.

Following day do the same thing with another meal. Clean upstairs in the evening.

I suggest cleaning in the evening even tho it is no ideal it is easier to do without a toddler. Failing this get DH to take them out every sat morning while you clean the house.

It is not hard but takes more effort on your part.

Some great posts here. Wish i'd. Read this a year and a half ago when I was going through a similar thing. Two young kids, husband working away, family all working so not much help. I slipped into an exhaustive depressed state where some days I couldn't face getting out of the house.

Now my eldest is at school I find it is a good opportunity to re-establish a routine. In your case op your toddlers sleep issues definitely need tackling. With no sleep you WILL not be able to think straight.
After that you can then start to think about everything else. Otherwise you will get overwhelmed if you try and tackle everything at once.

I agree the slow cooker is your friend, as is frozen or pre-prepared veg. We'd all like to cook from scratch but sometimes you have to take shortcuts, so packets, jars etc can be used to make slinging a meal together easier than ever.

Could you afford a cleaner to come once a month to give everything a deep clean so you feel at least you are getting some help somewhere?

Good luck OP, I think sorting out the sleep deprivation is the key to a lot of your issues. I've been there and it's hard.