To have a messy house, be unorganised, meal plans fail etc and I'm a SAHM

[Totallyuseless31]

I'm a stay at home mum to a toddler and a school age child. I drop dh at work every morning, then DD1 to school then I have basically 9-3 with my toddler. I pick DD1 up from school at 3.30 and DH up from work at 6. I can never get dinner ready for when we come in so DDs get overtired and go to bed late as dinner is late. My house is a tip and could do with a good clean. DH works overtime every weekend as the pay is double and is more than my full time earning power in his 2 days overtime. I do sell a lot of bits and bobs on eBay in the evenings so need to visit the post office most days. I currently do not take DD1 to any toddler groups and this is something I would like to start, as well as having a clean house (it will never be completely tidy lol) and meals that are home cooked and ready for when we come home in the evenings. But I just cannot seem to do this! I do not seem to have the motivation or organisation required. How do I achieve this? Surely 9-3 is enough time to get everything done? Plus I have weekends on my own which I could utilise. I know a full time working mum who runs a better home than me and she is single as well with ex having no access and she has no family help. What am I doing wrong? I need help to become organised!

I also recommend having a look at fly lady (when you're allowed on the internet). She breaks housework into very manageable chunks and has really helped me.

I'm sure you will start to feel much better if you get out a bit more, see some people and get some fresh air. The walls close in otherwise.

You can do it!!

Going to the toddler every 15mins in the night is ridiculous. Can she not self settle at all?

OP, I have been exactly where you are right now. For months I found I could not 'do' anything. Housework, shopping, activities with DD, anything. I spent lots of time on the internet and not focusing on mg toddler. Her behaviour was awful and I was depressed- the worse I felt, the worse she would behave and it would go round and round In horrendous, vicious, circle.

You haven't said wether or not your depression is being treated, but if it isn't then I suggest having a good chat with a supportive doctor First of all.

Then;
go out, in the morning. Take Dd to school and find a group or somethingot go to which enables a bit of adult contact. I started taking my DD to a Swimming class. As a result it tires her out and I have made a fantastic friend who I now speak to nearly every Day.

Come back home for lunch. Then a nap. Then pick DD up from school. Do an activity that involves both children- I have read (and tested!) that running around outside for half an hour before bedtime is very good for sleep in toddlers. Do you have any parks nearby?

do you have any family nearby? Friends with kids? Having another adult to bounce off is a lifesaver.
Banning yourself from screens (any) also a fantastiC idea.

Just huge unmumsnetty hugs. depression is an illness- this is part of it. You can beat it, you can. I promise you within three days of being proactive you will feel a little bit better, and more like you have "achieved" something.

The thing I feel most scared of is taking toddler out and interacting with her, I just feel so worn out it feels overwhelming. I really need to do it though. Maybe I could get on top of the cooking next week and then start doing one new activity with toddler each week until we fill 5 days. I also need to do things with both dc at weekends. At the minute we do a food shop, tidy, and ironing anything that must be ironed, and hoovering house, 4 story so lots of stairs :(

My situation is not that different to you at the moment op, although I have 4 dcs and dh at home at weekends. My toddler has started nursery so I know hes getting lots of stimulation there!! I also try and take him to toddler group once a week and sometimes go swimming/ meet friends.... It does me good too!

As far as dinners go, I do easy, quick, healthy with the odd bung it in the oven meal ie fishfinger, chips and beans or a take away.

I too suffer from depression and exhaustion. Its not bloody easy!! Perhaps we should have a support thread?

I agree that the main problem is the toddler's sleeping. I similarly suffered from sleep deprivation and it takes so much effort to do - anything - that you find yourself not bothering as you are exhausted anyway. Worse talking to your health visitor about seeing a sleep consultant - this was the turning point for us, not so much as in what she said, but just that the fact it was a problem was acknowledged.

Oh and my house is a tip currently, would love a short term cleaner but i can't afford it. Must get on top of it.

Have you family or friends you can meet with at the weekend? What about you getting a weekend job snd dh looks after dcs?

I started this thinking you were a bit lazy and disorganised until I got to the bit about the toddler's sleeping. The problem is you are chronically sleep deprived and I have the utmost sympathy for you. I find it really hard to motivate myself when I'm sleep deprived and I've never had it as bad as you.

Agree with pp that, hard though it is, you need to try and get out more. Fresh air will do both of you good and might wear the toddler out a bit. If you can't face going out in the cold, maybe swimming or soft play? Swimming is notorious for getting difficult children to sleep longer!

Can you arrange a trip out with both children every weekend in morning? So 9-12 always go out, then if in the rest of the day it's not so bad. Look up free museums/ local events/ children's cinema/ local farms/ national trust places/ woods/ beach/ visit family etc

I agree that your toddlers sleep is really something that must be tackled, urgently. What have you tried so far?

Toddler is 18 months

The gym I go to ahem has a creche for under 8s on a saturday morning, could you look into that?

I would suggest knocking the ebaying on the head. It is taking up far too much time for little financial reward.
Join a parent and toddler group. I know it's difficult to get your act together as little ones drain you of your energy in many ways.
Go to story time at the library; visit art galleries- they have lots of children's activities , go to the park with a flask and a packed lunch and just try meeting other people in the same boat as you. Even a trip to the local market can be fun.

You can't be supermom but you can do things that will benefit you and your child.
I for one really dislike going to parent and toddler groups but I did meet some really nice people there, some of whom became good friends.
Recently met one of the mom's I secretly envied; very yummy mummy baby wearing sort , always seemed to have her act together,and she told me she hated being a mom to little ones and was very depressed at the time. She told me how much she enjoyed motherhood now her 2 children were older.
Set yourself a goal every day to get out for just an hour.
Consider getting a cleaner as a one off to sort your house out or enlist the help of a friend as I have done; makes keeping on top of things more surmountable.

Going to a "doing" toddler activity sounds like a plan! I hate the thought of going to those village hall type things, I did try one last month and it made me feel worse as my dd tried to run a baby over with a trike :( and the other mother made it clear she was not impressed!!

Can you have twO evenings to yourself, for you? Even if it is locking yourself in the bedroom with a cuppa and a book?

Getting out and having a run and a play in the park should help you both to start feeling better. Of course it feels overwhelming when you have to start doing something you don't feel comfortable doing. Could you build up slowly, maybe a 5 minute visit on the way back from town one day?

There's loads of great advice on this thread from people who really understand why you are going through.

However the one thing that does stand out is the lack of sleep, which must be horrific. If its not rude, can I ask if you've tried anything to help with your daughter's sleep, or whether the tiredness and depression makes this feel like too big a task to manage?

I do agree with others that trying to find the root of your DD's sleep issues and encouraging her to start sleeping a little more might make the world of difference.

Oh, and for MNetting, which I'm hugely guilty of, I try and find set times to do it. So sometimes I have a flick through while we're having lunch, or if DD is watching something, but then I turn it off at other times. Cold turkey might be too much and let's be honest, MN makes you feel social/sociable when you haven't had a good conversation in days, and it's a great means of support. Rather than stopping, could you try picking just a few times when you come online?

Dont go back to bed in the pm go to bed earlier at night. Use that time to whip round downstairs with hoover (downstairs gets heavier use and traffice) and prep the nights meal. Each day spend 15mins to tidy one room totally. That way you stay on top of it. Toys go in large plastic crates at end of day, 1 in their room, 1 in sitting room, except for the toy they sleep with. Stop ebaying every night and have one big clear out and take all the crap to a car boot. Whats unsold is un sellable tat and should go to tip. Instead of Post office daily, walk to park daily. Fresh air and exercise will boost your mood and energy levels. Internet is fatal tbh, you mean to spend 10mins then next time you look up 2hrs have whipped by.

Is it worth contacting your hv about nursery funding when baby is 2? Might be worth doing now. My hv is crap but yours might be better. Could you stretch to a morning a week at nursery?

Does your oldest have school dinners? If so, could you try and give your toddler a dinner at lunch time then they both could have a more snacky tea; sandwiches, fishfingers etc. something I do with my 3 year old is going somewhere just for lunch; usually a supermarket cafe; takes little one out of house, gives them a hot meal so I don't have to cook and I can pick up any bits of shopping I need. I appreciate that a 3 year old is a bit easier than a toddler though.
Also; other things to do in the house that will make you feel productive; can your toddler 'help' preparing dinner go later? Child loves it, dinner gets done. I will sometimes let my little one help by giving them their own bowl and spoon and put some random things in to mix; such as milk, bit of flour. Messy but keeps him entertained while I'm busy.
Is there a library near where your post office is? I sometimes wonder to our local one (I'm lucky it is walking distance) and let him look at the books etc.

Number one tip is leave the house though. I do, and find I spend more time actually enjoying my son then if I am in the house and doing chores/messing on the Internet.

OP you are me 6 months ago, literally down to the waking up times. Snap out of it. I get the cycle, it's horrible, but you have to haul yourself out of it. Nap for an hour, not two. It's amazing what you can get done in the other hour. I used to tidy, wash up and get dinner prepped. Put 3 day postage on your eBay stuff so you only have to go to the PO every 3 days.

You NEED to do stuff with your toddler though. She isn't tired because she doesn't do anything. If she's 2 and you're low income, check if she can get 15 hours free at nursery. If not, take her to the park, playgroup, swimming etc to wear her out.

So far for toddler sleeping I have tried co sleeping, but she still wakes although I can settle her much quicker but once I'm awake it takes me ages to fall back to sleep

Totally I didn't go to toddler groups with either of my DC because I was unable to walk when DS1 was little due to severe SPD in pregnancy with DS2 that never went away. My kids are 18&20 now, it never harmed them and tbh they don't know that we didn't go!

I think the important thing is to try to get on top of your housework. It sounds like it being in a mess is getting you down. You don't mention how old your toddler is, but when DS2 was little he loved cleaning. He would follow me around with some baby wipes, cleaning the radiators and skirting boards. He was quite happy to put things away if we made it in to a game.

Have you got a kitchen timer, or a stop watch/alarm on your phone? Set it for 30 mins and set to in one room. You'll be amazed as to how much you can get done. Maybe you could do that tomorrow with your gilrls, and they could help? Make it into a game and if the weather is dry and go to the park for a runabout after?

Dinner is a difficult one because you have to pick your DH up, but if your DD1 has school dinners can you give your toddler what you and DH had the night before and give them a light tea before you pick DH up? They could always have some toast and milk before bed if they are hungry.

Sleep deprivation is awful. I don't sleep well due to pain. I quite often have to go back to bed in the afternoon or not get up before 10am, or I just can't function. The more I just try to push on through the worse I feel. I completely understand why you go back to bed.

BTW you're not useless, you're doing a really hard job. Looking after children, on your own, 7 days a week is hard. Don't be so tough on yourself.

I find cooking the dinner in the day helps massively. Other than slow cooker stuff I make pasta sauces so only need to boil pasta in the eve, tray bakes such as chorizo chicken and root veg, that can just be bunged in the oven an hour before supper time or slice everything up ready for stir fry or fajitas. My two year old either eats with us or has leftovers the next day. It helps me feel a bit more in control. Also we just decided to get s cleaner once a week - but only whilst our babies are so small. (2and 9 months) it's amazing and worth being broke for. Takes so much pressure off to clean and makes me tidy round every eve to keep up the loveliness and also so cleaner can get to the floor surfaces to clean! A well worth luxury if you can afford it!

Do you have to pick up your DH? Is there anyway he could get home himself?

I have a toddler and it would mess up our evening totally if he dropped off in the car around 5pm!

Definitely get your toddler out and about more. When I'm alone with Ds I have to get out in the morning, wear him out/build up his lunch appetite then a good nap which leaves time for a sit down, do washing, meal plan on phone (with ocado app) and prep for dinner.

Then I don't feel bad about staying home with him in the afternoon and lazing about a bit.

You definitely need to sort toddlers sleep though. Have you read the no cry sleep solution? I know tackling it probably feels too big but we did gradual withdrawal using the method and it really worked.