To have a messy house, be unorganised, meal plans fail etc and I'm a SAHM

[Totallyuseless31]

I'm a stay at home mum to a toddler and a school age child. I drop dh at work every morning, then DD1 to school then I have basically 9-3 with my toddler. I pick DD1 up from school at 3.30 and DH up from work at 6. I can never get dinner ready for when we come in so DDs get overtired and go to bed late as dinner is late. My house is a tip and could do with a good clean. DH works overtime every weekend as the pay is double and is more than my full time earning power in his 2 days overtime. I do sell a lot of bits and bobs on eBay in the evenings so need to visit the post office most days. I currently do not take DD1 to any toddler groups and this is something I would like to start, as well as having a clean house (it will never be completely tidy lol) and meals that are home cooked and ready for when we come home in the evenings. But I just cannot seem to do this! I do not seem to have the motivation or organisation required. How do I achieve this? Surely 9-3 is enough time to get everything done? Plus I have weekends on my own which I could utilise. I know a full time working mum who runs a better home than me and she is single as well with ex having no access and she has no family help. What am I doing wrong? I need help to become organised!

Omg OP you poor bloody thing.

Who gives a shit about housework? Bin it off.

The sleep thing? You poor thing. Sleep deprivation is WRECKING me atm. I feel like I'm going loopy.

Just chuck some stuff in the slow cooker or so as someone suggested super easy meals like salad and spuds whatever.

Also totally agree about getting out of the house even if you cannot be fucked. Feed the ducks, kick a ball around. I found with ds being very little just being in the house made about 10 times more housework than if I'd just gone out and came home to it how I left it.

Depression is a nasty cunt.

Totally agree with everything on here, sorting toddlers sleep pattern has to be top priority. How you have managed on so little sleep for so long is beyond me, you are probably beyond sleep deprived.

I am in Essex, are you anywhere near me? More than happy to come over on my day off and do ironing for you once a week if that helps you out in the short term.

Could you try looking at the gradual retreat method? If it's separation anxiety that is waking the little one this method might be the way forward.

www.cry-sis.org.uk/sleep.html

You aren't useless, you are doing a really difficult job. phone your local council about EY funding- they will be able to tell you if you are eligible.

Perhaps cook 'dinner' at lunchtime for toddler (I do this frequently) an reheat for DD in evening before picking up DH? Perhaps that trip to the park/runaround on the way home with DH for you two to chat about your days. I imagine the sleep deprivation is taking the toll on your relationship?

Agree with others. Tackle the sleep issue first, the rest will follow. Try your health visitor or another Mum whose judgement you trust for advice. Just take one step at a time.

Yes- that is the most important thing. One small thing at a time. Don't take it all on at once. Have you confided in DH about all this?

Use your eBay money for this amazing sleep consultant. She's gentle - no leaving to scream and gets amazing, lasting results. If your DD is waking frequently due to separation anxiety, no amount of running around/swimming/going to the park etc is going to 'tire her out' to sleep. I know it well - I've been there and I've worked full time on the number of wake-ups you're getting. It's horrific.

It will take a while for your own sleep to return to any kind of normality once your DD starts sleeping, unfortunately.

Be kind to yourself. Eat crappy food for a while and stop fretting over the housework

You sound like you need a better routine....
Agree getting out with your toddler would be good for both of you....do you walk to school or drive ? Walking somewhere will help....

But also having a nap is important...if you have had years of broken sleep..but I have to agree that don't have more than 20 mins yourself - it does make you feel worse...and getting toddler out will tire them out - make them more likely to sleep...

And it is the monotony that gets to you...you tidy up and its a mess again within 10 mins - feels never ending...and you seem to have no real 'me' time. But little things can make a big difference -stop you feeling swamped.
Get your DH to have a weekend off...or even one day at the weekend off regularly. He has one day off and you have one day off...catch up on your sleep etc -plan to do this as often as you can - once a month? Then you have something to look forward to.
Rest is fairy steps ...you do need to do certain things everyday - like feed the DCs /wash up. (I batch cook so have eg bolognaise in the freezer so I don't need to 'cook' everyday). But you also have things that need to be done that probably seem overwhelming -you just can't face them.

I have had task lists for ages but I've just started using tick tick (Android app you can use online too). And I'm finding it great ...if I see something that needs doing or someone asks me to do something etc I stick it on there.
I put everything on there - you can give tasks a date to get done or not, set things as recurring tasks etc. View specific lists or as 'all' and by date etc.

My 'routine' is on there as recurring tasks - so I do upstairs on a Monday (1-2 hrs), downstairs on Tue . I set a timer on myself...so I can't get carried away hoovering under the beds etc then not have enough time to finish the whole area. Once you get into the habit it never is that bad and so you have a bit more time to eg hoover under the beds one week (or have a lazy week). I add things that I see need doing to the list - like sort out DCs clothes drawers. And I get to tick something off!
Then Wed is my 'day off' - I can do what I like on that day (whilst DCs are at school at least) but I have to catch up with things that I haven't done. Which gives me an incentive to get things done! (And usually do a couple of 'tasks' too -but I don't have to - I choose to)
Thursday is 'big job' day -the day I try to do things like big sort outs or gardening/DIY etc. I choose something from the list usually earlier in the week so I can plan for it.
Friday is paperwork and work day (I work part time from home).
I often end up doing bits of work etc during the week as well but the main things are scheduled for Fri...
Spend Saturdays with DCs - try to do something fun! (Usually end up shoe shopping etc...usually in the town so I do food shopping) Sun is boring sort out homework etc day - maybe get to do something with DCs too (but DCs have an activity mid-morning so can't do anything too exciting)
I don't over schedule -so I can achieve what I have to and feel like I've achieved something!
You can also 'tag things' - so eg when I need to go to the local village I can view the tag list 'village' - so I remember to take the overflowing glass recycling with me when I need to go to the GP etc.
(And I do feel stressed if eg like last week the drains blocked in the bathroom then DP wrote off his car so everything got behind).
When I have time I go through my undated tasks and try to tick one or two off.
Another thing that helped me (I think it comes from 'unfuck my habitat') is 5 mins or less - if it takes less than five minutes just do it -don't put it off ..things like emptying the dishwasher/tumble dryer...don't even give it head space -just do it!
Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer, as is depression. It will get easier ...but at the moment don't be hard on yourself ...

As Jackie says, if my toddler were to fall asleep in the car around tea time on top of a 2-hr PM nap there'd be no chance of her having a decent night's sleep as she simply wouldn't be tired enough to sleep deeply. I'd be very surprised if this wasn't at least part of the reason for the night wakings, although I don't know what the solution would be if there's no other way for DH to get himself home.

Sympathies though, I have a 3 year old plus said toddler with me all day and the only way I get through the day is to go out somewhere in the morning, which in turns means having to be up and dressed before DH leaves for work. Puts a different perspective on the day and it seem to have much more motivation just from having had a shower.

Also maybe see GP re iron levels and thyroid in addition to managing the depression? I have hypothyroidism and anaemia and feel very much like you describe when they're not controlled.

Thank you again for all the replies, I feel motivated to change one thing a day but also totally overwhelmed at doing anything but I know I have to make the changes or dd2 will suffer, she can't bumble around the house forever, although on the plus she is an easy toddler she plays so happily on her own and is such a happy chappy. I feel I let her down though as I did so much with dd1 and she wasn't a great sleeper but I didn't have the school run and dh work drop off and pick up back then. Just all day to do as I pleased. I miss that time.... Everything with dd2 is just going in a blink of an eye

Do you have to be a sahm if neither you nor your child is thriving this way? I am sure your toddler would get much more out of childcare, and you would be more stimulated if you had a job? Getting a load or two of laundry a day is nothing, and a cleaner could do that, if you got a job, and a cleaner in to do the basic - and then your house would not be a tip?

Not sure about cooking though. Simpler meals?

I have a 2 year old and a 10 month old I totally get how you are feeling OP. It's like you're doggy paddling in an endless sea of chaos and mess and sleep deprivation with no end in sight.

The internet is a major problem I reckon (or at least it is for me), because it sucks up your time and attention whilst managing to make you feel more drained and tired from sitting staring at a screen. You use the internet more when you are more exhausted because it feels like the only thing you can face, plus fit eels like it's an escape from the boredom and loneliness. But the longer you're on it the worse you feel...

As PP's have said, do get out the house if you can. It's fresh air, exercise, and time that isn't adding to the mess in your house. I also do trips into town for no reason other that something to do (tomorrow we're going to our local Waterstones as it has a slide and climbing frame, and Mothercare which has a play area). Make big meals that last 2-3 days - simple stews that can be had with pasta one night, rice the next. Have some things in the freezer like quiche/pizza/pies/ravioli that you can just bung in the oven for the days when it all goes a bit wrong!

I'd say keep the nap if you need it, but that you might, paradoxically, get through the day better without it. I had a toddler that woke as much as yours sometimes and I always napped when he did as I thought it was the only way to survive. He dropped his nap before the new baby came (about 20 months) meaning no more naps for me in the day, and I actually found it easier to function. I think napping made me more lethargic and groggy for hours after waking up. Toddler also started to sleep better with no nap!

From the mess side of things, it helps me to leave the house as clean as possible for the next morning, even if it seems like too much effort come the evening (sometimes the kids wake and it just doesn't happen though). It makes the world of difference psychologically starting the day with a clean and tidy environment - if it's already a state then I add to the mess a lot more readily until I'm totally swamped.

Hope it gets better soon for you!

I sympathise OP I found the toddler years harder than a new born for getting on with things as they need more attention and stimulation. One way I got to sort dinner was to give DS some drawing/colouring stuff or something he could play with in his high chair at the table, while I ran around sorting dinner.

I'm lucky as I have a park opposite me. Just going over for 10 mins each day makes me and DS feel better, we get daylight (which will be a factor in helping your depression possibly) and fresh air. Literally 10 to 20 mins of time that stops us both driving the other to tears or frustration.

Have you got any friends in a similar boat? maybe you could ask for some time for them to look after DD2 and buy them some wine/gift to say thanks? That could give you time to do a bit of house tidying and cleaning as once you are more on top of it, it will feel less overwhelming. When you feel up to it you could return the favour.

When I've been pregnant and vomiting, keeping on top of things has been hard. Something that has motivated me is using a checklist (like others have mentioned) but also a timer.

My morning routine (ideally but not always done before the school run)

5 mins to sort out our bedroom
then
5 mins to sort out the children's rooms
then
5 mins to sort out the bathroom
then
5 mins to tidy up the living room/dining table
then
5-10 mins doing laundry

Things won't necessarily be completely immaculate after 5 minutes but it is amazing how much you can get done in a focused few minutes and I feel much better knowing that things are a bit more organised.

In the same way, as soon as the children are down for their naps, I do

5 mins to sort out the living room/dining table after lunch
then
10 minutes to prepare dinner (I do a lot of meal planning and try to have prepared as much as possible the night before once they are all in bed or have bags of things already made up to be put into the slow cooker)
then
5 minutes to wash the dishes (not necessarily all of them)
then
5 minutes to tidy the kitchen

Then in the evening, DH and I do similar to put the house back together.

I like lists! [geek]

No I am not near Essex, thank you though that is such a kind offer, so much support on hear I am overwhelmed.

Hi OP,

First thing I want to do is give you a big hug!

I think you are very brave saying all that you have on here that takes a lot of courage. You have said you need help and don't even know where to start. I know how you feel and so do many others so please do not think you are alone.

You sound like you are stuck in a relentless circle and to break it is going to be hard. The house is depressing you even more but your to depressed to do anything about it, your not getting anywhere near enough sleep to cope, if you don't nap you wont be able to function, if you do nap you get nothing done that you want to. You see yourself only in a negative light and validate it to yourself you are useless because if you weren't you would be superwoman and a domesticated goddess. Do you constantly berate yourself in your own head?

So here's my advice to you - (don't know if it will help but here goes)

Be kinder to yourself, speak to yourself the way you would a friend.
If your depression isn't being treated make an appointment with the GP, if it is maybe your meds are needing changed?
Before you do anything like setting yourself all these things you want to change at one go, stop its to much. Do not set yourself up to fail. Set yourself one small change and when you can manage that every day until its water off a ducks back then add something else. Write a list by all means of everything you want to change, but one at a time.
Your toddlers sleep is definitely something that needs to be sorted out for both of you, I haven't got an idea how to do that yet! Surely we can all come up with something between us. Do you have a health visitor you like?
Tackle the lack of sleep then work on all the other things.
Could you do an internet shop save you going and free a day up at weekends?
Put on your ebay listings you only post on certain days many do.

Do you have any friends or other family support?

There is a group run here for toddlers its not much per session and is on twice a week for 2 hours they go on their own. They can go once or twice a week its up to the parent. Is there anything like that in your area?

You haven't been getting out the house much except for the school and work runs do you not like going out on your own? Or is it just lack of energy? Even if you walk your toddler to the first lamp post then home again, day two make it to the second lamp post, its progress and its more than you did before (I had to do this felt so stupid but it worked)

I used to wait hoping I would get up one morning and I would be back to normal, I thought the old me would come back all by herself. My heart goes out to you and please do not pay any attention to any negativity or cutting comments, don't take them to heart, they people don't know you.

Stay strong you can do this, you can xx

Do you have a chalk board d / can you set your phone for menu reminders? If you can get a routeine going with this then kids may sleep better. Also check out Fly Lady on the internet if you are struggling with cleaning routeines. Gist is setting a timer, amazing what you can get done in 15 mins.

The thing is now, most of us don't have the extended family support. Everyone want's to better themselves by moving to supposedly " better " areas.
I found a way of tackling this issue was to be proactive in talking to other parents.
I offered my support by suggesting I take their kids out for a couple of hours and this was reciprocated. It meant we could send some time catching up on housework or whatever.
I have always been the bread winner ( single parent) but I acknowledge that if a partner works 40 plus hours a week to bring home the bacon they should be supported to.
As for " co sleeping" I was unaware it had a name, it's something I've always done, however I think you need a " cut off point" or like me you'll be making a rod for your own back.
I'm not a fan of reinventing parenting.

Would you be prepared to say where you live op?

Maybe there is someone here who would go with you to a toddler group so it doesn't feel so overwhelming?

If you're out doing school run anyway, try walking onto a toddler group afterwards. It's daunting but most people are in the same boat as you, so try to remember that.

op. It sounds like life feels tough for you at the moment.

Being on your own with children all day is hard. I work 4 days a week, but on my day off with DD (similar age to yours) I struggle to get everything done that I need to. Even when I manage to do it all it just feels so fucking relentless.

I've only skim read the thread so sorry if you've already answered but why do you have to pick your DH up from work? Does he do anything when he's home?

If you feed the kids before you go to pick him up then he can put them to bed when he gets back and you can do dinner. Or you put the kids to be and he does dinner.

Is he supportive?

I haven't read all the post but saw how often your toddler woke. My DD woke every hour and still often wakes. She has sleep apnea. You can see her tonsils fill the back of her throat causing the apenea.

Just giving as information. It isn't dangerous.

Sorry, I meant to add in my earlier post I have weekly meal plans that I repeat on a four week cycle (got the idea from nursery and most large catering places do this apparently!). Like others have said stuff you can batch cook and freeze, have with pasta or rice or adapt (bolognaise can be turned into chilli) are lifesavers on nights where you struggle as the preps done, it's just heating things. I have at leat two simple dinners a week e.g egg on toast or jacket potatoes. Because the meal plans are ready to use I have a list for shopping that week too. It's saved me a lot of time, but also helped me be organised about meals so I have more time to play with DS or housework etc. one thing can make it easier, good luck OP.

The Internet is an absolute PITA. It is so easy to hours on it. I am so glad MN and Facebook etc wasn't around when my kids were little, the internet was only just starting back then. The amount of times I think "I'll just MN for 5 mins" and an hour later I'm still there. When my kids are at home I make them take my iPad off me so I can get stuff done!

to lose'hours on it!

I suffer from depression and understand how things like cleaning and cooking can feel like they're getting on top of you. I'm guessing you're not eating properly perhaps too.

1. Look at your local children centres, to see what activities they do, also look at your local swimming baths to see when the pool is available to the public. A lot of classes are on in the morning so there might be a class on, on your way back from the school run. Also look on another similar site (netmums) as it has local preschool classes/activities on it...

1. Make sure you eat lunch. And have a sit down with your toddler at snack time

1. Tidy up the house after dinner. Vac quick dust

1. Nap - I like sleep and totally understand you needing to nap

1. School run

1. Home work/story ect

1. 4.30 make tea for children - sandwich, jacket potatoe, beans on toast, pasta, home made pizza (kids could help) ect
2. Quick tidy up before pick up hubby
3. Pick hubby up

10. Let hubby get kids ready for bed

11. You or hubby start with tea while hubby/or youstarts getting kids to bed

12. Put kids to bed/story

13. Tea with hubby

14. Wash up

15. You time! (Talk to hubby/wind down catch up on Internet. Wrap ebay stuff. Have bath. Drink wine! and set one night aside for ironing)

16. Get clothes out for morning

17. Get jiggy go to sleep

Weekend Saturday

1. Get up
2. Eat breakfast
3. Eat lunch
4. Go to park/some activity you've found on nm's/swimming
5. Good food shopping
6. Have tea - as a family
7. Put kids to bed
8. Quick tidy up
9. You time

10. Bed

Sunday could be similar but you could clean the house, get the kids to help and do batch cooking for the week.

You can buy aluminium trays at supper market which are great to put in the freezer. Then all you have to do is get them out before you go to bed to defrost and then stick them in the fridge to keep before you warm them through.

Like others have said, it's hard looking after chuldren. You're doing a fab job hun. I struggle with just one x

After you've done the school