To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear - I was trying to explain that tantrums are a very normal part of toddler development. Sometimes they are viewed very negatively but they shouldn't be, it's a normal stage in many children. They're not being 'naughty' as such, they're just trying to vent some frustration in a child-like manner.

It's not 'good' or 'bad' to have tantrums, it just 'is', dependent on personality and other factors.

I think the OP was talking about having realistic expectations or children, rather than accusing the mum of poor parenting. A bit clumsily put, but I don't think she deserves such a flaming.

I so agree with you! I would not reason with my toddler. He is told 'no' and he know it means 'no'. Issuing this kind of threats makes no sense for toddlers who have no concept of time!

My point was and still is why do some parents make their lives harder than it really needs to be!

I don't know.

Lack of imagination about how things could be better arranged, underlying medial conditions that mean they are in coping mode not planning mode, a lack of experience with DC that age, perhaps external influences convincing them that their DC should be capable of more ( thinks of IL), perhaps on good days their DC do behave as they expect - perhaps it was an unplanned situation not enough gin, internet and coffee impairing mental functions.

Look at the supermarket comments - there are time when both DH and I need to get things done in town - we have no one to have kids and we are both needed - weather turns nice we head to supermarket use their loos - get food head and have picnic in park and let DC play for an hour. Perfect plan even if with a tantrum thrown in - and that wouldn't be every time - to people viewing us round supermarket it why the hell do they do that - there's two of them.

shesparkles

"I think a lot of it is about parental expectations too-the one thing I can't abide is children randomly screaming, my childen knew from a very young age that screaming for the sake of it wouldn't be tolerated, therefore I didn't have random screamers.
I must sound like a right charmer grin but I put a LOT of time and effort into teaching my children how to behave when they were younger, and I now have 2 pretty well adjusted kids, whose behaviour in public or with other people I've never had to worry about."

_

Oh I wish I could successfully convey the expectation not to randomly scream to my 8yo. Perhaps he doesn't have severe learning difficulties, after all, and I'm just really crap at getting my expectations across

NancyRaygun if you have not already, the childhood museum in Bethnal Green is really good with toddlers. My 16 month old can walk round it and there are stations dotted around with lego, dolls houses, books, sensory area etc for them to play in. And it is free so it a really worthwhile visit with a young child not ready for some of the other museums

I shall say it again then I think I will give up on this.

I did not mean it in a bragging way my children haven't had tantrums and when the first person had a go at me about it I re read it and thought that is not how I meant that to come across, sadly there is no edit button to fix my OP I apologies and explained what I actually meant.

I am not going to answer specific questions on toddler tantrums, the toddler in my OP wasn't having a tantrum she was being a toddler it was the mum who flung the tantrum!

listen if my child started "having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style" then I would be obliged to stop them, or risk the wrath of the shop assistant or other customers.
At that point having some smug other 'mummy' judging me for that would really piss me off. Big time.
And yes OP you do sound incredibly smug. and judgemental. Read back your post.

I have tantrums in supermarkets.

Dd1 has never ever had anything remotely like a tantrum in her life. Even now, at 17, she's very amiable - never cries, loses her temper, no strops, nothing.

Any sense of smugness was soon knocked out of me by the arrival of dd2, now 5. She's been whinging/crying/tantrumming on a pretty much constant loop for the past four years. I actually break out in a cold sweat when I look ahead to the teenage years with her!

I'm guilty of both going into - I guess inappropriate - places with my toddler and find myself saying all
These things - but I'm only saying them because I assume if I don't then the onlookers will think I'm not aware of the 'chaos' caused (often in charity shops). Anyway my point is that if I'm on my own then it doesn't bother me and I just put away the stuff once my toddler has moved on to the next aisle - but if others are about I turn into a shouty mum -half heartedly as actually it doesn't bother me and I love his 'will' and seeing what he does. So I support a support thread to tell me that I wouldn't be judged if I don't do the shouty shouty. Personally I can't bear it when I'm alone and hear another mum shouting at her toddler - I just want to say 'let it go it doesn't matter' - but don't, in case she shouts at me ;) x

While I see where you're coming from, I've had days where I have exhibited terrible parenting, the kind where a mini version of myself is tutting at me from my shoulder, where I've issued strange threats or just come out with utter nonsense. Usually when I feel other people are watching, because, that's just how it goes, isn't it?

Sometimes, despite knowing this stuff you just get tired, stressed, flustered, try something you wouldn't normally do and end up in a state. My ds is beautifully behaved, and I have been showered with compliments on my parenting on a given day. He has shown restraint, manners, gratitude on many occasions. I can dish out advice on here all day long about the times I've got it right.

But, ds is also a skilled tantrummer, who has hit me, refused to put something back on a shelf and whom I've had to tuck under my arm and abandon ship with on a few occasions too. I am very good at managing him to avoid situations that trigger him, and I am extremely no nonsense at dealing with it when it happens. Except, sometimes, I cock it up completely and end up in tears at Tescos. Hear myself repeating his name to no real end, with no plan, realising, far too late, this was not a good idea, I shouldn't have brought them both out but thought they might enjoy it, and I've still got to get butter and get them through the checkouts....

Knowing what to do and executing it properly every time are two different things and sometimes the little loves just don't play ball whatever you do. Some days I make parenting very hard for myself indeed, but I don't need Josephine Bloggs looking over my shoulder and thinking it, thank you.

So I don't know, maybe today she was embarrassed and flustered and tomorrow she'll get it right. Maybe she won't. What doesn't help is all this watching and judging and thinking you know all about small children because you've had one, when you've only had yours.

kitty I am not ignoring you at all. I mentioned a support thread not for me to start for someone else to start, which is why I said mine haven't had tantrums I don't know how to advise anyone one them. That was specific to the worrying things I had read about mums being so unable to cope they were locking themselves in the bathroom (not a one off to take 5 mins out so as not to shout etc a regular thing). So many parents sound like they really need help.

Mine was meant to be about making life easier for the parent in don't shout and yell instructions at them that they cant possibly be expected to follow then drag them out a shop!

So, a smug thread about a thread. Charming.

kitty I am bloody sorry I put the post up!

So many parents need help.
So many parents get help on here.

How about doing what other posters do and comment on the thread instead of starting a smug thread all of your own berating other MNers for not helping?

Us too.

Chipping Speak for yourself!

Oh I completely agree with what you're saying OP. I think I'm far from being a perfect parent, and FWIW I think tantrums are pretty normal, but some parents definitely do make a rod for their own back.
Like the woman you mentioned in your OP, so many parents just talk 'at' their children, warning them, in that same monotone voice, not to touch, they'll take their favourite toy away, they'll go onto time-out if they don't stop making that noise, they won't get a new toy, they won't get a special treat, mummy will get really cross in a minute, mummy will phone daddy and tell him that you're being so naughty......
The child clearly stopped listening a long time ago, and it's obvious that none of those threats will ever be followed! I think I can vouch for most parents in saying that we have all bribed/threatened/given an ultimatum at some point, and I think that's fine? To explain to your child that if they run off again, then they'll have to go in their buggy, is more than fair. To scream 20 different threats in their direction, and expect them to even listen, is not.
Yesterday I was in a shop and heard a mum shout "Lucy-May, I will NOT CHASE YOU!" (whilst chasing said child..)

The thing is not everyone does know what is developmentally normal and does get frustrated because their child doesn't behave as they expect.

But equally, children do all sorts of things that adults don't do which is sometimes utterly baffling and infuriating, and it's not always easy to know how to get around that, cope with it, prevent it, whatever.

I was interested in the idea of your first post and I think it was unfortunately worded because people have taken it as smug. But I do sometimes wonder if I find parenting stressful because I have high expectations/because I'm making more work for myself. I can't see it myself, or I'd just change what I'm doing, clearly, but I thought that was an interesting angle to explore and it's something I've been wondering about recently.

DD2 tantrums about 5-10 times a day. She is a unique child, i have been told.

She won't get in the car to drive her sister to school, she won't get in the pram to walk her sister to school, she won't hold my hand so she can walk to the school, she won't get on the back of my bike so we can cycle her sister to school, she won't get in the cart so i can cycle them to school. You get the picture. She objects to everything.

I am as calm as can be but stand my ground. It is tough, it is physically exhausting, it is embarrasing, it is tedious. It happens every single day, several times a day. It takes us 4 times the time to get to school as everyone else. Every single fecking day.

I have been to the Drs and she said DD is a normal healthy child, but a very hardwork child. Get your judgy pants off. You have NO idea how hard it is to cope with a toddler who will happily tantrum several times a day.

Thankfully this is DD2 we are talking about, not DD1, so i have enough experience to know it is not me and every child is unique. DD1 had 3 tantrums in one year when she was a toddler. DD2's number of tantrums must be in the 1000s.

I actually am and I never meant for it to come across the way it has.

I understand where you are all coming from! I don't want anyone feeling judged its awful. You find yourself avoiding places and can become very isolated or question your choices in your parenting style.

I am not judging this woman I have said our lives are hard enough so why make them any harder?

I am judged all the time last time we went out for something to eat was a total disaster until a lovely elderly lady came across and spoke to us both. Midst disapproving looks from others with well behaved kids my toddler wasn't being so well behaved and his table manners take a lot to be desired.

When toddlers are being toddlers that's ok every parent goes through that stage we should all be supportive of one another and not scared other what other people are thinking.

But there are people who make their lives harder than it needs to be they make parenting into such a difficult thing for both themselves and their children.

God this did not go as planned lesson learned re read post before creating convo do not get distracted at end of post by toddler doing amazing dives off sofa.

I genuinely apologise to anyone I've upset and i am as far from smug as my arse is in being cellulite free.