To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Asked*

Thought**

And possibly "shat"*

Fuck me I'm tired.

ithoughtofitfirst have you been out partying with the women from the skanky thread again

i remember mine would not let me get him dressed, how stressful can it be trying to dress a small person who is not willing to take part? i gave up and put him in his play pen thought i will try again in 5 mins. My reward 5 mins later was a gigantic poo that was all over him. That will teach you mum! Do not recommend this idea

I find it hard to believe that a parent has never made an empty threat when dealing with a child's ongoing headache inducing tantrum

ds tantrums would come on from out of the blue. Not to bad at 2/3 but when he was 4/5 they were horrendous

Bluuurdy 'ell. Whatever happened to my skanky thread eh?! That died a death.

I mainly outwardly look like the calm swan with mine but inside I'm like WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUUUUUUUUCK OOOOOOOOFF.

love my kids. Obv.

Am glad someone mentioned dungarees. They are a fab way of removing a tantrumming child from anywhere. In my case it was my baby brother who was a headbangers while screaming. I performed a very effective removal from Ikea over 20 years ago.

Currently searching for dungerees for my 6mo DD .

I sort of agree op. In that situation I'd have been holding a hand and distracting them with a constant flow of meaningless talk that I wasn't concentrating on but could do well because I'd had plenty of practice. It would be things like. Look at that... What colour are these...What do you think we'll have for tea later... When we've finished here we'll go and see... You are being a very good girl... Talking to yourself really because you are asking open ended questions and not listening to the answers.
Or even a bit of bribery, we'll go to the park soon if you hold mummy's hand nicely.

And yes if the above wasn't working then we would leave and try again another time. My children were never allowed to run riot. I've had to pick them up and carry them under my arm a few times. I've had to strap them in a buggy against their will- anyone remember the knee in the middle to bend them into the buggy/car seat, whilst doing up restraints technique? No empty threats either. Consequences threatened were always carried out.

I've apologised to people with a raised eyebrow and wry grimace before, but what I never did was put them in a situation that they were obviously too young to handle and then blame them for it.
If they were causing havoc then it was my fault and I needed to solve it without blaming the child. Toddlers are not renowned for their reasonableness.

And no I'm not perfect. I've made plenty of parenting errors. Just in the situation the op was describing, the mother was setting up her child to fail. There was never going to be a positive outcome. Toddlers have no self constraint so do something about it.

Proper harness reins will achieve the same as dungarees, if you haven't already tried them liquid
I've picked DS2 up by the back of the harness before when he's been on a refuse-to-move moment. He does have tantrums, but not very bad ones - although he had a good one yesterday, where he wouldn't come to dinner, kept shouting "Not yet!" and crying - he was hungry and tired but couldn't deal with it - 2 mouthfuls into his dinner he was a lot better!

DS1 almost never had a tantrum - and the couple of times he tried it, he got the Look, which worked very well on him. DS2 just laughs at me. I have no trouble knowing that it's down to personality, the tantrumming, and not my parenting - but it is down to me how I deal with it.

And I agree (and am glad that people have used the phrase) that the mum in the situation in the OP was setting her toddler up to fail and then getting angry when the toddler was a toddler - that's just unfair.

ithoughtofitfirst it was a bloody funnnnny thread had me snorting and tears rolling down my cheeks. Love the calm swan comment

notnaice I think I may just lurve you. That was so my point. It was a shame just a wee shame (and I've seen it so many times) in a small place like this you don't get a snap shot into ppls lives you live it with them, hence why we are moving I've started avoiding going places because of it.

thumbwitch thank you that was also what I was trying to say, don't skelp the children or drag them about because they haven't let you do something, its actually the parent who's having the tantrum (which at times is allowed). Remember my friend having one over destroyed cream sofa and a biro pen ooooops. Friend had meltdown in kitchen away from toddler was funny. We did have to admit the picture her little one drew was rather lovely. She didn't smack or yell or scream at her toddler she shouldn't have left the pen sitting there. thank god for insurance!

I hope she told her off though, in an effort to teach her it is wrong. But good on her for holding it together. I remember throwing a tantrum when ds broke something I'd spent 2 hours making and literally finished ten minutes earlier. I remember the dishwasher door being slammed shut in temper. I think it took me a while to calm down enough to go anywhere near him.