To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Yves....

What? You mean you don't carry Banana glue wherever you go?

it's hard to walk out of a shop with a tatrumming toddler if you have shopping to do. < waves the flag for lp's who have to do everything with kids under foot>

Look, you overuse mummy which is tweeness in the extreme. You may not mean to ha but you sound ever so sanctimonious. Your username is , are you looking for a rise? Probably.

YABU.

Oh dear. I knew posting this I was at risk of being flamed! I think I should change my user name to student of university of motherhood! As I certainly haven't graduated. How I wish. I thought people would realise that is what I meant by it. I'm still learning.

I would like everyone to for a second stop throwing the fire bombs. I do not for a second think I am a better parent than anyone else. I have my fair share of people judging me teenage single mum and now again older single parent (hangs head in shame).

The support threat was mentioned in all seriousness so other parents could help the parents who have stated on MN they aren't coping and make suggestions of things to try or simply offer them some hope when they are at the end of their tether.

I have had my fair share of bad crappy days I have no support network or help with DS just me and him. So I know being a parent is bloody hard work. I am sorry my OP isn't worded well and makes me sound judgemental I honestly didn't mean it to be.

Neither of my kids have ever had a tantrum, why would I lie on MN? Yes I have been very lucky.

I just think shouting and yelling at a toddler won't get you anywhere, of course she was going to want to touch things. Dragging her by the arm wasn't needed it was awful to witness if someone had dragged their dog the way this woman dragged her child there would've been outrage about it.

You get this loads in London - parents taking their small DC to galleries/exhibitions/theatre that is in no way age appropriate as a way to prove their kid is a hipster and simply fits in with their lifestyle then looking stressed when the child doesn't behave like an adult.

I learned that the hard way when I took my 3 and 1 year old to the Natural History Museum.

Shops... well, l think YANBU, I don't think parents should resign themselves to never going shopping or strapping in a buggy the whole time and I feel sorrier for toddlers bored in a buggy than I do ones that are being told off. But I do agree taking a toddler to a shop and saying don't touch is a bit of a red rag!

I also think that although you have parented a whole two toddlers OP your experience isn't the full gamut of parenting! People have more than one baby at a time, and much much smaller age gaps. So your "mine never tantrummed" is a red herring and completely meaningless

I love parents who think their DCs lack of tantrums or difficult behaviour is down to their wonderful, amazing parenting....if everyone else would just listen to the amazing things they do then every toddler on the planet would suddenly be easier to deal etc, etc, etc...

If neither of your children have really never had a tantrum I would put that down to their personalities rather than your amazing parenting. My DS tantrumed pretty constantly for 2 1/2 years till just past 3 1/2. At 5 he will still throw a wobbly if he doesn't get his own way or he's tired or hungry. Clearly he hasn't read your wonderful tips on being calm etc because no matter how calm, reasonable and clear I am with him that tantruming makes no difference, he still does it. It's just him - he has a huge temper together with lots of stubbornness and knows exactly what he wants in life.

I would agree that taking a toddler into an antique shop without some form of restraint wasn't the best idea but we all make mistakes. Maybe the poor woman thought I'll just pop in for 5 mins, it'll be ok....how wrong she was. Not only her toddler kicked off but she had you judging her as well.

I've really cut back on getting out and about for this reason, it's just too stressful and I've ended up quite isolated because it it. I've learnt through experience and perhaps this mother will too. Plus it's down to personality whether a child is the type to run around touching everything or will stay quietly by the mother's side, perhaps her eldest was exceptionally well behaved and managed such outings perfectly.

I've heard of these non tantrum types, never met one myself and even my happy toddler will throw strops. My high strung older child has several tantrums a day, it's horrendous, illogical and unpredictable - an offer of chocolate set one off the other day and this morning I didn't mind read and know she wanted a bun in her hair, not a pony tail. I'm avoiding going out because it's stressful and I still can't escape tantrums.

Huh?

Mine rarely used a pram. Have you tried living in central London, and commuting with small children? Prams on tubes during rush hour don't work. Also I would have needed a double if all small children should be contained as only a year gap. As it was I had baby in sling, and small toddler holding hand. They were fine

I can count on one hand the tantrums of both my children. They were/are very good toddlers.

I agree with you op, but you will probably get a hard time here.

I am still not sure what she really did that was so wrong, other than take her child into a shop in the first place. She asked her to stop, gave her a couple of warnings, then followed it through by taking her out. As others have pointed out, if she never went anywhere with the child how would they learn to behave?? Dragging her out was not ideal but maybe she felt the wave of disapproval coming her way (from you) and decided to get her out of the shop ASAP.

it's hard to walk out of a shop with a tatrumming toddler if you have shopping to do

I usually had to go back to corner shop later or do without.

In town - when getting back in wasn't going to be an option - going somewhere quieter so they could calm down sometimes meant we could go back later and shop.

There are times though obviously when you can't avoid shopping - and I did try - and you can't not get things and come back later so have to go on shopping and through tills with screaming tantruming child.

I remember one DC having a tantrum because I'd change their nappy and got rid of their poo - not all tantrums are avoidable.

I also had the experience thinking everything was fine with DC in pushchair to find out bit later that they are copying Mum and picking things off shelves.

Also had friends who had DC who won't tolerate pushchair and other who won't take reigns.

Thankfully though I've found the vast majority of people very understanding about toddler tantrums.

Nancy that made me chuckle ....I've seen it with my own eyes ....

Screams of

Look at us guys....taking 2 year old Tarquers around the Turner at the Tate....

I don't think the woman was making life harder on herself- not in the long run anyway. Children do have to be taught at some point to keep their sticky mitts to themselves. You can't keep them on reins forever.

op, beware being too smug, the the toddlers turn into teenagers.....

Yay Nancy! I've 4 of the blighters and all different temperaments. My DD twins by far the worse as they work as a team, we jokingly some times refer to them as Ronnie and Reggie!

I'm with the OP. I'm far from perfect as a parent but I believe the one thing I've got totally right over the years is that I've never made an empty threat or an empty promise, especially over behaviour. Now at 12
and 17, they know exactly where they stand.
My 2 weren't bad for tantrums at all, but I have dumped shopping and
Picked ds up and gone home more than once. I've also done the smiling serenely whilst ds was having a paddy in a supermarket trolley..
I never had an issue with them "refusing" to stay in a pushchair because they were strapped in and if there was an escape attempt made, they were strapped right back in. I wasn't being evil or controlling, it was for their SAFETY. They spent plenty of time not strapped into a pushchair so I never felt any guilt on the occasions where they had to be.

I think a lot of it is about parental expectations too-the one thing I can't abide is children randomly screaming, my childen knew from a very young age that screaming for the sake of it wouldn't be tolerated, therefore I didn't have random screamers.
I must sound like a right charmer but I put a LOT of time and effort into teaching my children how to behave when they were younger, and I now have 2 pretty well adjusted kids, whose behaviour in public or with other people I've never had to worry about. There are a lot of people who seem to expect babies to be born knowing how to behave, and spend more time telling the kids what not to do, rather than teaching them what is acceptable-how's a young child supposed to m ow how to behave if it has never been taught?

I'm also very well aware that at 12 I'm FAR from out of the woods with ds (wee bugger has the same personality and strong will as me and has always been harder work!) so feel free to throw me pelters when it all goes tits up once puberty really takes a hold!!

I just think shouting and yelling at a toddler won't get you anywhere, of course she was going to want to touch things. Dragging her by the arm wasn't needed it was awful to witness if someone had dragged their dog the way this woman dragged her child there would've been outrage about it.

Not ideal - but I've had bad days when I've gotten so wound up you end up shouting - then immediately feel like shit. In a snap shot you don't see that 10 minutes later we are all calm.

The dragging doesn't sound good - but it might have been down to wanting to get the hell out of there - embarrassment and perhaps feeling judged making her desperate to run away - I don't know as wasn't there.

Oh dear op, I sort of get what you mean. The problem is we are all different and if you only see a snapshot of someone's day it might not give you the whole picture. I just ignored tantrums so my dc learnt quickly they didn't work. I have taken them to galleries etc so they learn how to behave in these places but was always prepared to leave if they kicked off. You could have seen me on one of those days but not the hundred successful trips later.

Toddlers are ass hats.

Their prime directive is to be perfectly fine and dandy for hours then act like the spawn of evil when their dick radar picks up on a judgemental arsehole in the vicinity.

It's not them it's you dear.

You're setting them off.

wow I cant believe you posted when you have the luxery of putting yours in care for a few hours!

I am with mine solidly every min of ever day and night.

no family to help either.

you have also not actually said what she was supposed to have done. plenty of berration no solutions....get some more ££ so she can put in care like yOU.

anyway - as for charity shop I would have let toddler mess around and tidied it before I left.

as for supermarkets I am that mum, my child wont stay strapped in anything, the seats on trollies do not hold her....so I am that mother trying to get round as quickly as possibly with lots going on.

anyway - at least we all know there is one perfect mother out there in the universe! Just the one.....

My dd had the mother of all tantrums in sainsburys clothes section.
She wanted some cheap tat and I said no, tried to reason with her but no descended in to tantrum.
And trying to stick trinket up her coat when I happened to not be looking.
She had to be carried away but within a few minutes was calm and no sign of tears.

I was stressed a bit but I also had to luagh at the situation it mostly happens to everyone.

Honeydragon

Ahhhh. Ive just read my first post back and I would like to state I do not think my toddlers not having a tantrum is down to my amazing parenting!

Note to self proof read before posting and maybe change username and do not use word mummy to often as its offensive ok.

What I meant was to take a little one somewhere where there were toys and lots of things at their level to touch and expect them not to, to just stand there and wait until you have done your shopping isn't going to happen. The little girl was two she told me this, I was looking at books and toys for my little one. She looked at things with me for a wee while and then tottered off. I thought her behaviour was exactly what a toddler would do, but her mum was yelling across the shop she didn't go up to her little one just keep looking at rails turning her head the odd time to tell her to stop it. What toddler is going to stand still when you could play peekaboo through rails of clothes?

I felt sorry for the little girl who got dragged out of the shop after knocking over a pile of clothes because "she had been warned" then the little one goes into full meltdown and mum dragging her out muttering "I am so sick of you, your bad" No she isn't. I've seen the woman in there a few times and its always the same outcome, we live in a very small place.

Even in a pushchair though, it doesn't stop a toddler holding her/his arms out and knocking things off shelves if they really want to. It also depends on how big the shop is with regards to aisle space.

Has had had previous experience of tight space for a pushchair and a toddler knocking a bunch of cards from a shelf as we've gone past.

I learned that the hard way when I took my 3 and 1 year old to the Natural History Museum

We did a trip down to there recently - our DC are school aged now - an was amazed at the number of babies and toddlers - often no older DC - with parents going round.

I assumed small flats - crap weather - London stuff being expensive rather than hipster intents. Though was shocked at toddler being encouraged to run round science and shriek later on in the day.

Can I just say - my DC who were awful toddlers for tantrums - are very well behaved school children at school and out in public who we are frequently to our bemusement complimented on their behaviour.

They are not the DC running round food establishments or not listening when seeing pantomimes'.

So idea that toddler tantrums automatically equates to unruly undisciplined DC is IME a fallacy.