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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

360 replies

UniversityOfMotherhood · 23/01/2015 08:58

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow! Grin
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

OP posts:
adsy · 23/01/2015 10:16

I've spent quite a bit of time in France and can honestly say toddlers behave the same there as they do the world over. The only difference is they tend to grow up to be a lot more impolite than eg. British children.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 23/01/2015 10:17

I learned that the hard way when I took my 3 and 1 year old to the Natural History Museum.

Buts is a museum for children no? How is taking dc there trying to look hip its hardly the Saatchi Gallery!

YvesJutteau · 23/01/2015 10:17

If you know that the main reason neither of your children has ever had a tantrum is that you have been lucky, why bring it up in a post that's specifically about other people parenting toddlers ineffectively? And "I am not a perfect parent but I've had two toddlers and have never had any tantrums" does rather sound as though you're attributing it to parenting rather than luck.

If you'd just stuck to the incident and "why put a toddler into that position if you don't have to?" then you'd have been fine. Not everyone would have agreed with you, but that's par for the course.

Your problem is that you started with that, then generalised your point to cover tantrums in supermarkets, appeared shocked that mothers at the end of their tether were being offered sympathy, and then shared with us that neither of yours had ever had a tantrum but that you were still "sick and tired" of toddlers who did getting a hard time (even though you'd never been there yourself).

If you've never experienced a particular parenting challenge then either
(a) it's because of your wonderful parenting skills. In this case feel free to tell everyone about it and give them the benefit of your advice -- but you'd better be able to justify your assertion that it's because you're a good parent that you've never encountered it, or
(b) it's because you were lucky. In this case offer tea and sympathy but refrain from telling people what they should do.

If you have encountered a particular parenting challenge and have wisdom to impart then go ahead (but beware of suggesting that anything is a one-size-fits-all solution. I find it hard enough to generalise stuff that worked with one of my children into a tactic that will work reliably on another one; I'm certainly not inclined to think that it'll work on all children everywhere).

Bunbaker · 23/01/2015 10:17

DD only had a couple of tantrums as a toddler. However, as a teenager she more than makes up for it.

Be warned.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 23/01/2015 10:18

Don't just keep adding more crimes this woman has done to justify your post. I don't think you meant to sound judgy in the first post and if you think this woman is doing a crap job maybe offer her some advice next time? good luck

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 23/01/2015 10:19

bunbaker i was just about to write that - re making up as a teen Grin

Only1scoop · 23/01/2015 10:20

Op has a teen doesn't she?

skinoncustard · 23/01/2015 10:20

Totally agree OP, children need guidelines and boundaries. Freedom to run - yes , in the park , etc . Not the supermarket or restaurant.
Yes , yes about the parents constant empty threats? getting louder and louder. They are more annoying than the children.

coppertop · 23/01/2015 10:20

Parents can't win.

If the mother had used reins there would be a thread on here complaining that "There was a woman today with her toddler on a glorified dog lead. In my day, children were expected to walk with their parents without being tethered."

If the mother had used a pushchair there would be a thread asking why so many seemingly able-bodied toddlers were strapped into pushchairs instead of being allowed to use their legs.

If the mother had stayed at home there would be a thread about "My mum's neighbour never takes her child out anywhere. Should I report her to SS?"

DazzleU · 23/01/2015 10:23

What I meant was to take a little one somewhere where there were toys and lots of things at their level to touch and expect them not to, to just stand there and wait until you have done your shopping isn't going to happen. The little girl was two she told me this, I was looking at books and toys for my little one. She looked at things with me for a wee while and then tottered off. I thought her behaviour was exactly what a toddler would do,

See I wouldn't disagree with this - I often at this age encouraged them to help me in tasks like shopping- though that did mean it would take much longer to get stuff done and I'd get very unhelpful help and would keep a careful eye out if they found people to do stuff with - to check they were ok and that they weren't being a bother to strangers.

It does sound like she had unrealistic expectations of what the DC was capable of at that age with no help from parents to achieve good behaviour.

If she has done this many times - you'd think the mother would learn and have a few strategies in place.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 23/01/2015 10:27

copper Exactly.

Original poster
UniversityOfMotherhood · 23/01/2015 10:28

lol I have a son at twenty so been through the teenage years got the grey hair to prove it.

luxury of childcare are you serious? its a wee group for toddlers its £3. The only reason I started mine there was other people telling me he would never go to nursery as he was with me all the time. I had visions of him doing that leg holding don't leave me thing. So I have questioned my own parenting constantly.

I kind of thought I might get a hard time for my post, fair enough. I stand by my point there are parents out there making their own lives harder than it has to be. That's not smugness at all. The toddlers aren't wicked or bad or decided that they want to piss you off by ruining your shopping trip they are just being toddlers.

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 23/01/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeeandcalpol · 23/01/2015 10:31

I've been very lucky that my 2 have never been bad with tantrums, they've had a good go, but I count myself lucky. I would never judge another parent like this though, lucky you to get time to yourself, she may not be so lucky to get a break to shop alone, does that mean she shouldn't? What should she have done with her toddler do you suggest? It doesn't sound like the child was any thing out of the ordinary/extreme in her behaviour and the mum was trying her best, shame on you for being so judgemental of her!
As for setting up a support thread, maybe leave that to someone who is supportive, not s judgemental

PunkrockerGirl · 23/01/2015 10:32

So what should she have done? Left child constrained in buggy while she shopped?

Well yes, that's exactly what she should have done if she wanted a few minutes to shop in peace.

Dancergirl · 23/01/2015 10:34

have never had any tantrums

Sorry OP, either you are lying or you have forgotten. Tantrums are a normal stage of development and I would be more worried about a toddler who DIDN'T have them than did tbh.

LittleBearPad · 23/01/2015 10:35

Buggies are no defence against toddlers touching things.

DD once shoplifted a pair of Chanel sunglasses from a glasses shop in Greece. I only noticed ten minutes after we left. The shop assistant (Im assuming childless definitely didn't really believe my harassed explanations)

lambsie · 23/01/2015 10:36

Ds is usually in his sn buggy in shops but still manages to pull plenty of things off shelves. He didn't tantrum when he was toddler age (so I am clearly a 'good' parent) but has full scale meltdowns now.

Disastronaut · 23/01/2015 10:37

Well, you sound pretty smug.

The mother probably took the kid out of the buggy because she was yelling. Maybe she let her rampage because she was at the end of her tether.

Such is life. Such are kids. And I say this as a parent who cares a lot about politeness.

Unpucker, woman.

Ohmygrood · 23/01/2015 10:37

I know what you mean OP. I think the same thing when I see families dragging kids around busy supermarkets at the weekend.

Dancergirl · 23/01/2015 10:42

Why is it 'lucky' not to have a child with tantrums? It may be easier at the time to deal with them but tantrums are a natural part of development.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 23/01/2015 10:44

So what should she have done? Left child constrained in buggy while she shopped?

Well yes, that's exactly what she should have done if she wanted a few minutes to shop in peace.

As already pointed out, they get up to mischief in buggies too. Also, my 2nd was like Harry Houdini. No straps could restrain her, she could get out of anywhere, she learned very quickly how to undo straps, or else she just used brute force to pull at them until she stretched them enough to wriggle out. We ditched the buggy/highchair pretty early because there was no point using them.

Goldrill · 23/01/2015 10:47

DD1: no tantrums
DD2: no tantrums

...on their own. DD1+DD2 = like some kind of qualifier for the Tantrum Olympics, where competition for places is fierce.

Just sayin....

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/01/2015 10:48

I am sorry but you sound like a smug idiot.
Perhaps if there were not so many judgemental people about, parents could be more relaxed.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/01/2015 10:50

btw my dd never had tantrum but her twin bro could tantrum for Britain.