To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

The idea that French toddlers never have tantrums seems highly improbable to me and if true highly unnatural.

Fuck me sideways.

OP, it's not badly worded. It's badly thought through.

You ARE judging her. You are judging her for her ineffectual parenting which you claim to have seen on multiple occasions. You may not be judging her despair but you are judging her parenting.

chipping I was not having a go at any Mners. I said there was a thread on here and they way she was treating her little boy was just unbelievable and no one said anything to challenge her behaviour. Yet an innocent tooth brushing thread ended up with the words child abuse in them.

Here's an idea I will ask MNHQ to delete my OP and I shall word it in the way it was meant to be worded and go for a username change.

Haven't read whole thread cos I don't have the energy to wade through all the defensiveness but frankly I understand where the OP is coming from.
That would be my DD. She is into everything and has no interest in listening to my telling her not to do stuff.
Consequence? I don't take her shopping. Well, hardly ever and when I do she's in a buggy stuffing her face to keep her quiet
I like my shopping experience to be relaxed so I do it when she's not around. And I know that's easier said than done for some.
Luckily for me she loves going in the trolley in the supermarket, so it's just my charity shop addiction which has suffered.

Tantums, or a lack of them, are rarely anything to do with parenting.

whe you re-word it, please can we have no mention of 'mummies' and 'little people' or about how YOUR kids do not have tantrums?

mrshathaway

I was upset about the toddlers despair not the mums! I thought about it for the rest of the day and put a post up about it this morning.

I have made a complete arse of it and haven't expressed myself well in it at all, steep learning curve for me.

Go ahead flame away people.

absolutely sunny because i have read it back your right totally.

I think the point in your OP - about parents making things harder for themselves - is true for lots of people. I do often catch myself overcomplicating things, but I think it's easier to spot when it's someone else. I can think of a few times when I've had to be told to chill out a bit by Mners .

We're friends with a couple who have a 14 month old dc. They got rid of the buggy a month ago because dc can walk now. However, of course a 14 month old can only walk a short distance before they get tired so then they have to carry dc and it's 'oh dc, you can't walk anymore? So I have to carry you then? '. I think for them they worry a lot that their child will be slow developmentally and that they create unrealistic expectations of what their child can achieve. They also get themselves so worked up about their child 'misbehaving' when imo its all just normal developmental stuff which they grow out of.

Possibly a lot of it is pfb when you just don't know what to expect?

I tend to agree with you, OP.
I am too lazy to allow my DS2 free rein around shops most of the time - and when I do try it, I find that I spend far too much time firefighting with him rather than doing what I need to. If it's a supermarket, at least there's usually a trolley I can get to and bung him in it (he does love being in the trolleys, so that's a bonus). He does also love his pushchair, thankfully - but I am conscious that I shouldn't let him ride everywhere.

I've always got the reins in my bag, just in case; and I've come to the conclusion that my best bet is to take the pushchair with me but start off letting him walk, and if he kicks off too much, then bung him in the pushchair (or on the reins if that's more appropriate).

Works so far for me, he's 2.3 now - but I can see a time in the not-too-distant future when it won't work.

Op, sorry your are having such a hard time.

I think the thing is that sometimes we can do everything right, and it still all goes tits up. I have found myself in town, with a screaming baby in a buggy, a screaming toddler on the floor refusing to move, on our way to picking up an older child who is expecting us to arrive in 5 minutes, and all I can think is, 'wha'happened!' I probably did make things harder for myself at some point (like having 3 children under 5, one of whom is disabled!), but where and when, god knows, and truth is life and shit, just happens, and we muddle our way through as best we can.

By the way, I was one of the ones on the tooth cleaning thread who was accused of abusive behaviour - to be fair it was pretty weird to be accused of this when trying to describe the way a sn dentist and various paediatric nurses had shown me how to best clean teeth and administer medicine to ds!!

hazey its me lol morethanawoman changed username as was upsetting a few ppl how i wished i hadn't changed it or started this post lol x

please delete mnhq!

Mnhq usually don't delete at the request of the op, so probably best to name change and move on!

They won't delete a post for that. Don't namechange either, just brazen it out, nobody will even remember this post in a week's time.

We've all been flamed for something or other, it doesn't mean you have to flounce. Just keep on Chin up!

(And your name is awesome and you should keep it.)

actually I think that the reason why so many parents don't make things easier for themselves is because the solutions to resolve the issues are hard to implement in the short term, even if in the long term they make the issues easier to deal with.

Parent who says "my child won't sleep unless I lie down next to their bed/rock/bf/drive them round the m25 for hours often doesn't want to face the possibility of their child crying/screaming on and off for the hours it will take to get them to sleep in their bed alone, even if tonight they cry for two hours (including time to settle them) and tomorrow there's a chance it will be less, and in a week's time it's likely they will be going to their own bed without issue. The solution is seen in the here and now, and it's painful to witness with no idea what the end in sight is or when it will arrive.

Child who will eat only chicken nuggets does so because the parent would rather the child eat something than nothing, and because food is a basic need the idea of allowing a child to go hungry,so having to face the idea of removing dinner without comment and sending a child to bed without having eaten properly isn't an easy thing to do, even if you know that the child will eat a better breakfast for it and that with the right strategies you can increase their appetite. .

Going into a shop full of books and toys and expecting a two year old not to touch is asking for trouble, especially if the only strategy you have to deal with it is to threaten and then lose your own temper. Having a two year old means that expectations need to be changed and that things like antique shops aren't a good idea - if you don't have childcare for the two year old then put the antique shops on hold until they start school.

The idea that parents who have children who eat/sleep well/don't run off/don't tantrum are somehow lucky and that behavior is all down to personality is incredibly patronising. If it's all down to personality there would be no need for mn because nobody would be able to give anyone advice on how to parent because it wouldn't make any difference...

Lol thank you bertie seems to be offensive as well though.

hazey i know just wishful thinking shame we don't have an edit post button. Facebook does have some good points i suppose.

I shall not duck and run (getting flame proof suit on). Actually upsets me ive offended others really never meant to.

Wannabe would you like to borrow my flame proof suit?

Im going to make toddler lunch who is right now in garden point blank refusing to come in!
May not have had any tantrums but plenty of examples like this, i suppose being knee deep in mud and dangling worms is much more exciting than lunch.
Give him lunch outside? Let him eat on step? I go for the easy option!

How are children supposed to know how to behave if parents never take them anywhere. In life we have to go shopping and if we have no child care then Children have to come along. It's not about making life harder for yourself. If anything taking them out and teaching them how to behave is a life lesson, no? I've always taken my ds shopping and out to eat and he is really well behaved. Maybe I'm lucky but believe me I've had strops and had to deal with them. Of corse shopping is more enjoyable without a toddler in tow but sometimes it's just not an option.

adsy - Fair enough. I've lived six years in London and been living nearly three years in France, so feel like I can compare experiences of daily life and encounters pretty accurately.

squoosh - I never said that French children never have tantrums. In fact, I even gave an example of a french child HAVING a tantrum in my post. My point was french kids tends to - according to my friends with children - throw tantrums at home rather in public. That would match with my experience of seeing maybe...five public strops in my entire time here. That would have been one weekend in London.

In fact, every time I go back to London I'm amazed by the number of screaming kids.

I'm not French myself, and not a raging Francophile, but have to admit to being pretty shocked by the difference. And kids go everywhere here, so it's not like they just get swept out of the public eye. I have no idea why there would be such a difference.

Why can't you take toddlers to the Tate?! Ideal, lots of room for them to toddle without getting in peoples' way and although they don't 'get' the art, they do look. Website says that all children welcome! It's just a change from soft play etc.

I wouldn't take him to an exhibition though.

The idea that parents who have children who eat/sleep well/don't run off/don't tantrum are somehow lucky and that behavior is all down to personality is incredibly patronising.

And to suggest it is all down to good parenting is equally patronising and somewhat smug.