To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Nor was my post aimed directly at you.

Op: I get what you are saying. I spent an hour in the hairdresser's listening to a Mum tell her 3 year old to sit still, don't touch that, if you do that I'll tell daddy, you won't have any sweeties. It went on and on for an hour. Mum had brought nothing for the boy to play with, yet expected him to sit still whilst she had her hair done.

Kitty so what? Mine isn't either

I still agree with Worra on the subject of tantrums, it's perceived differently.

Op, I would class the high pitched whiny noise you described as a tantrum and treat it as thus, you don't. Different strokes for different folks. It was so inconsequential I didmt think it worth mentioning. Particularly (and this is said with kindness) as you are taking everything said on this thread way to personally. You are making general views subjective .... Sorry but in any general online conversation that way madness lies.

Exaggerating slightly fanjo! Child is not quite 5 and no sanctions are followed through. When she screams for something she gets it. She is continually told to stop doing things but nothing happens when she keeps on doing it. She completely ignores her parents because she knows there are no consequences. The sibling is going the same way. The parents seem unhappy with the behaviour but just don't address it in an effective way. Ordinarily I'd agree with you but in this instance I think her behaviour at this age IS down to parenting (and I don't believe she is a naturally difficult/challenging child). I get no pleasure from the judging either - the parents are old friends who I love dearly but the whole thing makes me want to see them less, and it makes me sad. I'd never voice this to my friends because they've chosen their parenting style as I have chosen mine and I'm sure there are things they don't like about my choices. But when my house is being trashed, my DCs' things are being broken and all I can hear is screaming, I'll admit it is very hard to be all 'live and let live'.

Honestly, I feel genuinely sad and I pretty much hate myself for feeling this way.

The world normal is a stick so many of us use to beat ourselves with. It's a shitty word.

Amongst NT children and SN children there are so many variations and difference that the word normal creeps in again.

Two SN children may have the same diagnosis, they will not have the same traits and behaviours as a result.

Two NT children may be the same age and IQ but have different developmental rates.

Normal can fuck off, normal is odd.

hi kitty yes I did wonder about it

honey you are right, I was taking many things that were said personally be hard not to and if they had been aimed at you, I am sure you would've done as well (that is also said with kindness).

Bravo Maki

< agrees normal is a shitty word.

iheart don't feel bad about yourself, I know it cant be easy because they are friends you love dearly. Its very sad though and happens quite often through different parenting styles. If you were in their house it wouldn't bother you just so much, it's your home that's getting trashed and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

pax I bet that was very relaxing for you

Different perceptions of the meaning of tantrums we probably all see it as something different. I don't think a squeal or a scream is a tantrum.

Sorry for being ignorant but what is NT?

Amazing that we have come so far before defining "tantrum"! As an older person to me a tantrum is screaming, throwing oneself to the floor and being unable to calm down. Clearly there are a number of people here who have a very different thing in mind.

Makes me think about how nowadays we run, not jog; we have flu, not a cold; we get a migraine, not a headache...

I will now admit that my DCs did whinge and behave badly on many occasions..

X-post University!!

It's the stuff not aimed at you, you need to leave.

People were still responding to your original op, which you yourself have acknowledged doesn't read well. That's not YOU personally, that's your opening post.

I've fucked up plenty of times, and posted on here. The helpful responses were the ones that could look objectively and point out where I'd gone wrong, and what to do do now.

The one's that caused arguments amongst posters were people who said, you're a shit parent, I'd never have done that in the first place. I've simply judged them quietly and hope they live the rest of their lives with everything easy and perfect and filed them permanently under twat on my shitlist

And some threads were a parent is at their wits end do deserve tea and sympathy as everyone but the parent can see that they are probably in shitty circumstances or not in a good place, and the parenting fail is a symptom of a wider more difficult situation, father than an inability to do right.

I do know what others mean by "just bloody parent your child" but that's usually a long built up situation, different to what's presented in this opening post. I loathe it when children are acting wholly inappropriately and being heartedly ignored by their carers who,have found something more interesting to do, ie groups in restraints where not one member of the group will sort out the younger members who are causing hazards to waiting staff and operating at a volume that would melt ear drums. I get the seethe then

IHeart don't hate on yourself. That is never good :)

Ach everyone does their best. ALL kids respond differently and need different management.

Argy NT = Neurotypical I think.

I had a toddler who never tantrummed , didn't know how lucky I was! Dd is now 4 and she doesn't do the screaming and lying on the floor thing but she does tantrum in terms of whining and crying to try and get her own way. It's exhausting.

Since having kids I've learnt not to judge people on their parenting skills so much. Unless they're causing hArm I'm guessing they're probably doing their best.

Everyone has bad days, I don't believe that anyone has been a parent and never thought 'shit, I handled that badly'.

NT = neurotypical, ie child/person without special educational needs.

Agreed that it's pointless discussing tantrums if everyone has different ideas on what a tantrum is! I can't imagine any child not having tantrums, because to me it doesn't describe something conscious, it's just an overwhelmed emotional response. Every toddler - every person! - gets overwhelmed sometimes. Toddlers are only just beginning to experience strong feelings. I used to know someone online who referred to (what most people call) tantrums as "Big feelings", which I thought was quite sweet. It helps to reframe it as well.

< doesn't know what NT meant either, was to scared to ask

honey thank you, very wise words I have taken heed. I was upset by some of the comments which were personal and things I would never have said to anyone else. See MNHQ deleted one . I should have taken a step back from the thread rather than getting so angry.

I didn't even think about ppl joining the thread and commenting on the OP I was assuming they had read all the posts and comments that i had explained myself in.

The bit you say makes you seethe was exactly what I meant in my OP that didn't convey way at all. I know what i meant which is not much use to anyone else now is it?

Most parents at some point deserve a bloody medal along with their tea and sympathy. Some though don't some are needing to be told they really need to get some help for their sake and their children's

angry don't forget about snickers are now marathons! Opal fruits what are they called now? God i am old

Just to add my best ever memory of a dad dealing with a tantrum in Belgium many years ago. Small, dungaree wearing boy was misbehaving, and was told calmly and firmly by dad to behave. Boy ended up throwing himself to the floor, full on tantrum. Dad, bent down, picked up child by dungaree straps (child was rigid as a plank by this point) and said" your behaviour is not an acceptable way to behave in a shop. You may come back in when you can behave" and carried said plank/child out of the shop, deposited him gently on the pavement by the door ,and then went back into the shop!!!!!
Funniest thing ever. Child switched off the tantrum instantly.
(Disclaimer: the dad remained just inside the door and was watching the child the whole time so he wasn't at risk)

dementedma that's funny. Amazing seeing them stop instantly isn't it? Their like

disclaimer for me also - The parents that need to be encouraged to seek help from someone are the ones that have admitted to losing their temper on a daily basis, neglecting the child or hitting them. Admitting it is very brave but they need to address it after that. I see this often where I stay as well, so often people see it as the norm. Its so very sad.

I remember (or possibly remember being told about) my brother having the mother of all tantrums in mothercare. My mum walked off to the front entrance but completely out of site. Brother shits himself when he thinks she's actually left, finds her by the entrance kind of sniffling and panting and my mum just gave him 'the look' and calmly asks "are you done ?"

He was done.

I find it pretty funny although I would never do it to mine. Different styles I guess.