To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

I know what you mean OP. I think the same thing when I see families dragging kids around busy supermarkets at the weekend.

The big shop is done on the internet to avoid supermarket- but I've still ended up in situations of going round the supermarket with toddlers at weekends.

Days out when snacks are all gone or up the town when things have taken longer than expected and we decide to have picnic in park - the DC usually behave but there have been times when something sets them off round the supermarket - sometime just saying no to something - but 20 minutes later in play park with food they are having the time of their lives and the supermarket is a long forgotten.

That has happened at weekends - as have older school aged DC or sometimes need something for Monday so no time for delivery so have to head up at weekends , or sometimes it's been only time we are both off work so only time for day trips or shopping expeditions.

coppertop right you can't win.

Perhaps we need to clarify what a tantrum actually is, as it might mean different things to different people?

To me it just means screaming/display of temper when they can't get their own way?

Totally normal in a toddler because they don't always understand your reasoning.

For others a tantrum might mean a total meltdown perhaps?

OP, I do actually agree that the child you described was 'just being a toddler.' No malice or wickedness intended, just that pure toddler fascination and delight with the world and a sheer frustration when prevented from trashing the shop exploring it as she wanted to.

But you do sound smug. Bully for you for loving toddlers. Personally I love and hate the toddler stage in equal measure (my third is about to be two, I'm bang in the middle of toddler heaven-and-hell). A lot of the time I hate it. Really, really hate it. DS3 is with me 24/7 pretty much, he is far harder work than either of his older brothers put together at that age. He is amazing and gorgeous but he drives me up the wall.

In contrast, I absolutely loved the baby stage. Loved it, rarely if ever found it stressful. Find it hard to honestly understand why people on here get so worked up about it because in my view babies are just fab. But I would never in a million years actually start a thread saying this. Just because I personally found a particular stage easy doesn't mean other people haven't hated it with every fibre of their body. And their views are absolutely valid.

The other thing I would say is that you might have had two toddlers, but your DC are so far apart in age that from a day-to-day juggling perspective you have effectively had two 'only' children. Many many people with toddlers also have a baby to cope with, or the different but often similarly demanding needs of older preschoolers or school aged children to juggle too. One toddler on their own can be a pissing doddle compared to juggling the demands of that toddler plus one or two other children.

A support thread for coping with toddlers would be lovely though.

lois I am not adding to the list to justify myself. I am thinking none of you were there, you don't know me well enough to know I would never have meant my OP to be taken the way it was. I should've explained the situ more fully in my OP.

I mistakenly assumed you would all realise what I was getting at.

Adding the I haven't had any tantrums from mine and their ages was to let others know I had children of very different ages, I have am not qualified in dealing with tantrums I don't have any experience in that. I can see how wrongly my OP reads and have since apologised for it.

And I did think it was completely wrong for other MN's to be offering the parents on the post I read tea and sympathy. The post was about a mum who admits she screams and shouts at her toddler all day everyday, locks herself in a room to get away from him, cant cope for an hour with him on her own, didn't want the child but kept him as her DP would've left her and there was not one person suggested maybe she needed help, maybe her behaviour was the reason her toddlers was so bad.

Yet you can read a thread on how to brush your toddlers teeth and some of the mums were being told it was verging on abuse! That does baffle me.

Yes I have a son of 20 yrs old and another of 2.5 yrs.

Also, perhaps parents act like this because of all the people around them being disapproving or throwing dirty looks and even making comments?
You get this just being with small children, never mind what they are doing!
When mine were nearly 4 I took them to Greece for a holiday and we were in a shop and I started speaking to them as is expected in the UK...'don't touch that' ' leave that alone' etc.,
It was so lovely to hear the shop assistant tell me, 'oh do not worry , they are only kids'.
Anyone ever heard that in the UK? I doubt it.
And then when you do as expected you get smug idiot like OP judging away!!

I can never understand it when you see 2 parents dragging a family of badly behaved bored kids round the supermarket at weekends. Surely if there's 2 adults available it makes more sense for one to stay at home with the kids. It's hardly a fun, family day out

University of motherhood, I am interested in your point that some parents make it harder than they need to. What are your top 10 ideas to make it easier?

I rarely see that punkrockergirl

Punk I always think that when I see the supermarket thing

I think a lot of it is about parental expectations too-the one thing I can't abide is children randomly screaming, my childen knew from a very young age that screaming for the sake of it wouldn't be tolerated, therefore I didn't have random screamers.

Is it really that easy to stop them doing undesirable things ie 'I will not tolerate that' = child never does it!

1.coffee
2.gin
3.more gin
4.coffee and the Internet
5.thinking about gin
6.hiding in the bathroom with Internet
7.cake

1. Nicking the kids sweets

9.more gin 10. Bedtime

I see it all the time, Sunny We obviously shop in different circles!

My toddler was a nightmare for tantrumming, so I avoided the kinds of places where it would be particularly hideous. I don't believe that you can 'teach' a small child how to behave, or how to stop tantrumming. Its a development stage and only time will turn them into civilised, rational beings.

So for the time that they are irrational and uncivilised, I am mostly staying home or heading to wide open spaces or designated small child places. I'm always looking for the path of least resistance in parenthood, why make it harder on myself by trying to bend small children to my will.

My DS doesn't know that eg department stores exist. DP happily takes him to the supermarket but I don't, as I hate having my parenting failings on display for the world to see. In a short time, he'll just walk along with me like a normal person. It's not forever.

I really don't like being called a smug idiot, that's un necessary.

I AM NOT JUDGING

I AM NOT SAYING SHE WAS OR IS A BAD MOTHER

I AM NOT SAYING I AM A GREAT PARENT

I have little to be smug about there is no need to be so personally insulting.

I am saying I do not and can not understand why parents any parent has such high expectations of such a little person. It is to much to ask of them.

I did not draw this woman any looks or make any comments to her, I was talking to her little girl. The woman in front of me in the supermarket who's baby is crying and wanting fed while the bigger one was trying to escape out the trolley, I've spoken to her and helped her pack her bags as she's so desperately trying to go faster and getting in a flap. I hate people who judge parents I am judged constantly and have questioned my own parenting skills over other peoples views.

Ive seen toddlers lie in the middle of the supermarket legs failing and ear piercing screaming mum nearly in tears and you just want to help.

I have worded this all wrongly and some of your comments are fair others are just nasty lets team up with who's opinion supports mine etc.

My point was and still is why do some parents make their lives harder than it really needs to be!

Going to change username maybe if you all realised that I had meant im still in training rather than some rich smug graduate you would've been a bit kinder.

Sorry OP, either you are lying or you have forgotten. Tantrums are a normal stage of development and I would be more worried about a toddler who DIDN'T have them than did tbh

My DD never ever had a tantrum. Honestly. She was/is the most laid back of children. Are you suggesting that there's something I should be concerned about because she hasn't trantrumed? Is she/her development not normal?

DS on the other hand is already a little hissy fit monster when he doesn't get his way.

I stopped nodding when you started bragging about never having experienced a toddler tantrum. You've honestly been lucky.

Yes, there are people who think that toddlers should be able to do certain things long before they're actually ready and there are people who will frown on a child even vaguely capable of stumbling a few steps still being "constrained" to a buggy as one poster very "kindly" put it. I'd personally rather not put a toddler who is curious and not yet capable of self restraint into a situation where I need to be constantly nagging them because that's not particularly good for them and if I'm letting them free range in a shop, but constantly micromanaging them with very little success, then I'm going to have the same difficulties walking by a busy road, which would be too risky.

God now I have to worry my son isn't normal as he's not had a tantrum! The list gets bigger.

No I'm not saying that wish. I'm just disagreeing with this notion that it's the gold standard to have a toddler who doesn't have tantrums and that some people think it's down to their parenting if their child doesn't.

I am that parent bringing her toddler to the Tate, and I am completely unapologetic about it. I have been starved for art since having a child and being stuck as a non-driver in the sticks, and circumstances and lack of friends/family support mean that if I have the chance to go to an art gallery or museum, I have to take my toddler too. This is not because I am a hipster, or am trying to get a two-year old to appreciate Joseph Beuys, it is purely because if I don't take him, I don't go. I cannot stay sane and devote my entire life purely to child-friendly activities.

OP, you might decide I was the kind of parent who was 'making things unnecessarily hard for herself' if you saw us, but that's your interpretation. I see it as necessary for keeping going as something other than just a mother. Staying at home 24/7 or living life in a circuit of toddler groups, soft play and the swings is not an option for me.

There have been an awful lot of 'I know how to do this thing properly' type posts in recent days. it's weird.

Op I think initially the username didn't help ....the 'mummy' 'small persons' and 'little person' etc etc came across a tad twee. There was for sure a tone of judging in your Op.

However for AIBU this has been quite civilised

But she might have touched things even if she was in a buggy!

Ah yes - this is very true. When DS1 was still in a buggy, we once got to the car to find that he'd shoplifted a blue fluffy purse!