To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Older mom here...can genuinely say my oldest ds never had a tantrum

Okay, perhaps it is not as unheard of as I had previously thought. IT's not been my experience but, though I found it hard to believe initially, I don't think your lying. So, some children don't have tantrums - learn something new everyday.

As to the comment above re diagnosing autism, if that was directed at me? I was simply recounting my experience, which is not all encompassing, and definitely not making a diagnosis. I'm comfortable with having been wrong, just surprised.

I find bribery works, with mine if I get them a cheap toy or comic with a £5 limit at the start of the supermarket or shopping trip then they happily shop for hours on end.

I've therefore avoided those kind of supermarket toddler meltdowns and i've saved my sanity for a bit longer although i've got the teenage years still to come. I think you try whatever you can to make shopping with toddlers less of a minefield and unless somebody is hitting or swearing at a child I try not to make any judgement on other parents as it's only a tiny snapshot into somebody else's life.

I do think some parents are very negative when infact they could be more positive. Instead of saying don't touch that in a charity shop, they could say play with in the toy section. Instead of saying no you can't have/do x, say WHEN the child cAN have/do x - even if it's a day/week away.

Good lesson honey - the majority of the dcs' book portray pirates as friendly and jolly. That's not going to equip them for life on the ocean, is it? I've seen Captain Phillips.

Back on-topic - I just don't get the needing to judge mentality. We all have days when we're not on form and the kids run wild as we try to replay last night's Broadchurch in our head for vital clues and it pains me to think that someone else is there, taking notes and posting it on mn while all I can think about is David Tennant. Parenting is a loooooong haul job. Let people get on with it.

Oh, and "I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills"

My toddler speaks clearly and grammatically and expresses exactly what she wants (she is 2.5 but has been doing this for some time). But she isn't necessarily allowed to take "Peppa in de buggy, George in de sling and the big baby doll" to nursery with her and that's the source of her frustration. She may also want to "stay at home and play wiv my fuzzy felt" but it's time for the school run and we need to go. Language is there, logic is not.

I don't think any of us can comment on a mother with child in a charity shop. You never know what the woman is going through or suffering and some people bring up toddlers in different ways to others. That is a free society.

I hardly ever took toddlers into a shop (partly because I don't like shopping myself) and others would say going to the shop is an important part of toddler life. Each to their own.

I try to say 4 positive things for every negative one but that's very hard to do when you have had no sleep and have a baby and toddler - I remember that stage well.

My boys never had a tantrum when they were little. Now in their 20s I can safely say they are not autistic. I'd love to say it was due to my wonderful parenting but I think it was just the way they were. Who knows.

I had one that had the worst tantrums ever but once got to 4 just stopped. The middle no bother and the youngest I have only heard properly cry a handful of times. She doesnt wake up crying for milk she just does a little whimper. She is just quiet.

I think the having 2 toddlers 18 years apart is why the OP had such a blissful time.

I now have a GS who is a toddler and he is perfect and a pleasure to be with, never tantrums, or at least easily fixed as I have all the time in the world.

However I had 3 DCs and by the third you cannot make your life revolve round them like you can with the first eg fitting stuff in round naps.

So the OP had two only children, much easier imo.

"But I stand by what I said, some parents are making their lives even harder than they need to be, accept toddlers are toddlers and for the love of god be a bit gentler, kinder and more understanding to them."

I originally got you all wrong, OP, but I do understand your point and I agree with this most wholeheartedly, even if it's not something I've always managed myself.

I'm with you OP.
Friend is a childminder. New little boy ( 2 years) every time he was told no - don't climb onto worktop! Don't push/ hit other children . Anything in fact , the result was a full blown tantrum. ( which if safe to do so was ignored)
Fortnight later being told no - sad face and off he will go to play.
Yet every time parents collect - tantrum ! / mummy will buy you something , you're making mummy sad, etc etc . 15 mins sometimes it takes for them to leave.
For pity's sake I wish parents would just parent , you're not their little friend your their parent! It's not always easy but believe me you will reap what you sow.
Do people think that well behaved children arrive wrapped in tissue with a halo attached !
And NO my two DD's did not throw tantrums because they knew it would have no effect, and they would certainly not get a reward for bad behaviour .

Oh ffs, skinoncustard, not all children are the same, sometimes you can do all the right things as a parent and they still tantrum and scream. Honestly, it is not always because the parents are feckless idiots.

Skinoncustard tantrums are a normal 2 year old stage. Most 2 year olds will have them. Especially if told.no. until they learn to manage their emotions more constructively

I have a horrible feeling I was a fecklessly idiotic parent when my kids were small. I think they have turned out well despite me.

I do agree with most of what you are saying OP, esp about applying more understanding and empathy when dealing with toddlers and their interaction with the world.

However re tantrums, or lack of them, it really can be down to the child and not just parenting.

DD1 had about 4 mild tantrum before age 5.

DD2 has opened her mouth and wailed and screamed and protested about stuff since she was born. She is now 3.5 and still does it. I respond with calmness, I don't give in, I usually treat them as panic attacks etc. But still they happen and she is LOUD! She doesn't have the "I want XYZ" type tantrums - perhaps because I never respond to "gimmie" demands, but she has lots of "upset" or shoe refusal, or stubborness generated tantrums nevertheless and they can strike anytime - I have documented her having a tantrum on the London Bloody Eye!

Same parenting, different kids.

DS2 once had a head banging screaming tantrum because the cat did not scratch him.

hazey, custard didn't say all kids are the same at any point. She gave an example based on experience and what she is saying makes sense - of course you reap what you sow. That doesn't change just because all children are different.

Of course 2 year olds scream and cry. But if you do 'all the right things' they MAY not still be tantrumming at 4, or 5 or older like the DD of my friend

Is it really that hard to believe that good parenting results in children who know how to behave?

Not all parents are the same.

Some parents go into charity shops for a potter and to look for something nice. Some go in regularly hoping like hell they'll have something they need and can ill afford. Some go just to drop stuff off.

Not all children are the same. Some understand that toys in charity shops can be picked up and throughly investigated, but toys in toy shops can not. Some need a blanket rule for all shops, some don't. Some children associate shopping for clothes with being sat in a trolley, some associate with clothes shop, some with a computer screen. So some experiences prompt differing reactions unique to the child and the dynamic they've experienced till now.

As adults out coping mechanisms to various situations are shaped by our experiences, we are not all the same and not expected to be the same. We will not all respond then same way to the same treatment.

Why are children expected to fall into one lump, why would reading a book on toddlers give you an edge? You can take advice from other sources, and many of us do, but you will always end up tailoring it to your families unique situation.

Not one comment about how people have parented their children on this thread as been wrong, all of them have been borne out of a desire to kept the child safe and to keep it within social boundaries. Thats always good parenting imo.

Child abuse is bad and not excuseable

Parenting fails can happen to all of us, you learn from them. You're still a good parent if you do.

its easier to be a successful parent if you acknowledge that parent and child are individual persons.

Good to see some comments from parents whose children don't have tantrums, I was on my own with that for quite some time there!

Some parents have suggested lack of tantrums or scale of them is down to parenting style not the child's personality. May the force be with you if you start that thread! Tantrums weren't actually the point in my OP (wonder how differently this thread would have went had I left out the last paragraph).

The point in my OP has thankfully be seen by some of you for what is was and you are on the same wave length as me.

If you are all telling me you would think nothing of a man or woman, yelling ridiculous demands of their child and then when they aren't followed they get dragged out the shop and up the street by the arm because the parent couldn't get to do what they wanted and you see that as being acceptable behaviour from the parent?

I don't think (unless its a life or death matter) you should be dragging children about yelling at them.

Someone asked me why this registered on such a scale with me and its because I see it every day. Maybe where I live is very different to yourself. Its a small place you see the same people day in day out and it upsets me seeing children being treated like that.

I don't believe tantrums ( in the full blown meltdown type) are 'normal'

Of course small children will test the boundaries, but it's how we as parents handle the situations that decides the outcome. That and the stupid acceptance of the 'terrible twos' being the answer for bad behaviour .

Of course they are growing, wanting to become a little more independent , and that's to be encouraged, but that doesn't mean they get to do what they want when they want.

We could argue back and forth till the cows come home but both sides think they are right.
I know which type of parent I would rather be near on the plane, train or bus. Or the supermarket, restaurant.

I stopped socialising with parents , not because their children pushed, hit, broke toys, went into drawers / pulled stuff out, but because they as parents did nothing !

Oh ! apart from, - sitting there saying, - ' you don't have boys , do you ' they are so boisterous !

Or ' Oh darling , don't do that, Skin doesn't like it!!! ' as if I'm wrong to not want my child hurt or home damaged.

monkier1 can you quote where I have said bringing up my two children has been a blissful experience for us? How I wish it had been.

Iheart if a child is tantrumming at older than 5 i'd be very cautious if judging that as purely down to parenting

It's the setting the toddler up to fail and having expectations far too high which I picked up on.

Fine to have your child roaming free from reigns or a pushchair but that means you either need to supervise closely or not give a shit if they damage themselves or other people's stuff (obviously not most people's choice)

You can't expect them to regulate themselves and get the hump when they don't. That's not fair.

Of course toddlers tantrum, that's to be expected. Adults tantruming at their own kids is upsetting to witness.

It's completely different to seeing a situation that someone's trying to deal with and getting frustrated and cross.

skinoncustard you may come and take shelter under my fire blanket

honey I am not lumping all children into same category others are doing that for me, the tantrumers and the non tantrumers. Plenty of mums to be read books, look on line at information regarding caring for their babies or seek advice from other parents (I do not recommend that source) so is it really unthinkable to read a book aimed for toddlers? For parents who do struggle with meeting a toddlers needs to maybe get some help or tips, see life from the toddlers point of view, because many sadly don't.

I am with skin on this its now a pointless argument where no one will agree I am going to agree to disagree with most of you.