To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Ha ha Honeydragon love that!

Getting to this thread pretty late but although I agree that some children are more prone than others to having tantrums; I also think that parents can limit tantrums in many ways. One example: Over-tiredness leads to tantrums, so make sure toddler gets enough sleep. Another one, don't give into tantrums that arise from demands, eg for more sweets etc, and they become ineffective and therefore there's no point in having them.

honeydragon that's a great idea, quicker than reins Mine's a bolter also. All the others come out of playgroup and hold hands with who ever has picked them up.

I think recounting a mothers entire dealings with her toddler verbatim just so you can bitch about them on a parenting site is REALLY nasty.

Am very late to the thread bit was shocked by the OP.

Does it really matter if a toddler has a tantrum? [shocked]. It's just a developmental thing, like waking up at night or toilet training. I am sure my older two probably had "temper tantrums" but I don't really remember them off the top of my head, because what's a temper tantrum anyway? It's only communication - bit of kicking, bit of screaming or what have you. You just deal with the situation. It doesn't need a notch on the parenting belt.

Some days are better than others. For toddlers and parents. No need for judgement. We're all only doing our best.

fanjo I really wasn't meaning to be nasty. Verbatim I never I just gave some examples of what she said. It wasn't meant to be a bitch fest. But you know what I give up, never been on MN so much in all my days phone cant take much more activity and neither can I.

Sorry. It just really did shock me. We are all doing our best and don't imagine people are listening and storing up our words to slate us in public.

OP

Not banging the same drum but Fanjo put it more succinctly than I did.

You I'm sure are doing your best too and at your worst I'm sure you wouldn't want to be judged at that. So what I was getting at was to just take a step back and realise many are just getting on with it, good and bad bits.

You're

Sometimes when mine were toddlers I needed to buy things in shops. Occasionally it was quicker to do my shopping without trying to restrain my child because that would be the end of the trip and I needed to, you know, buy the stuff. And occasionally I'd give in to the social pressure to act like I was doing something about my toddler by making some noises about not touching. Judge me if you like and I know plenty did, but sometimes you just need to get the job done.

Once in a blue moon a lovely person would come up and start entertaining my child instead of judging me. Perhaps someone with experience of toddlers and great skills in distracting them. Maybe someone whose own toddler was at playgroup.

I judge people who go shopping with their toddlers in buggies BTW, but that's my issue so not for this thread.

It's ok fanjo no need to apologise but thank you for it. I am doing my best as a parent as well and I have def made some bad decisions and choices over the years.

I get the looks and the mutters or comments made by others. This wasn't about general every day parenting or having an off day.

I was shocked watching what happened and made me think about other things I had seen or read on here. I wanted to know what other people thought, I do now.
I am on mumsnet not talking about it in the village we stay in.
I just didn't understand or think it was necessary. Many people go on about how badly behaved their toddlers are and they aren't. I will get fire bombed again for saying this but some parents do at times make it harder for themselves, that's their way and that's fine. Its not fine to drag a toddler out a shop and take her home to her bed (I don't know if she did or didn't do that) for touching things.

People are always judging and listening.They always will. If it bothers you, never go out.

decaff are you saying my son has special needs now? and that's ok on here to come out with that is it? because hes not had a tantrum i see. Better get my 20 year old son checked out then.

No, I'm saying it is so unusual to be almost unbelievable that a NT child, completely well with no health or development issues, had never had a tantrum, never ever, not once. More significantly, because your personal circumstances are not that interesting to me beyond a casual interesting anomaly, I'm saying that how parents deal with tantrums is the most important thing around the subject of tantrums, not that they happen, as it is expected that they happen as a normal part of child development.

Were you exaggerating for effect, to make a point, or did your two children really never once have a tantrum?

Never had a tantrum. I don't think that's a reflection of your parenting but of their personality TBH.

My DD had a tantrum because I gave her the grapes, which she'd asked for 30 seconds previously. Read the cutted up pear classic because that shows you all the unreasonableness of toddlers and parents are expected to second guess illogical logic. That's why toddlers have tantrums. Because parents can't second guess needs/wants/desires. The toddler may have been brilliant in other shops that day. May even have asked to go to the shop like my DD does. But on that occasion decided to push the boundaries and the mother coped with it as she saw fit. "Judge not and ye shall not be judged" is how I live my terrible twos toddler life. We've all been there, except you of course...

Davsmum

I agree. Again :)

People like that can be distracting and irritating though. Even if only in the moment. It creates a shitty atmosphere, even if I'm silently, as someone put it on a different thread' breathing out a silent 'f*ck yooooou'

As you were.

err please don't start referring to SN as some sort of insult

betty no one should be giving anyone disapproving looks its horrible

I see and the look on your face whilst watching this mornings entertainment was......

yetanother I was talking to the little girl. The issue I have is dragging her out the shop for touching things! That's to big an ask of any toddler not to touch things.
I take mine into supermarkets and yes he touches things, big deal im not going to shout and yell at him for it or drag him out when he doesn't do as ive asked him to.
I have said further up about going to the aid of other mums who you can see are on the verge of tears and help. A big thank you to those who have done it for me.
No what truly I give up, I do. Its me who has the problem with this, is it the way she spoke to the wee girl, the dragging, the ignoring what she was doing so she could look at clothes, is it that the shop door doesn't shut properly unless you make sure it does and there's a seriously busy road, is it that I've seen it so many times, is it the threats she isn't going to carry out being shouted across the shop that the wee one is to young to even understand. I don't know. I find it amazing that so many are in support of it.

I feel sorry for the toddler and many others.

I wanted a view from parents and I got it, thank you all very much for sharing what you think of this and me

Holy god, you don't give up ladies or gents do you. SN? No insult there not at all so you can drop that. There are SN children in our family and I used to be a support worker with some very vulnerable individuals so please don't go there. If you want to know what that was about then read the other posts.

Right you all ready? Got your listen ears on (I hate that saying) I HAVE NOT ONCE EVER EVER HAD A TANTRUM FROM EITHER OF MY BOYS TO DATE. Unless you want to count teenage strops etc. TODDLER TANTRUMS NEVER. I DID NOT SAY THAT WAS DUE TO MY PARENTING YOU ALL DID. Clear?

I didn't go into tantrums period, my issue wasn't about tantrums and the little girl only started throwing one on the way out the shop, quite bloody right to so would I have.

Op with respect I'd step away from this now.

willbeat I wasn't watching I was kneeling down looking at childrens books, you didn't need to watch you could very clearly and loudly hear it all.

So what part did you see then?

Haha Davsmum oh how I used to think like you! My child is small for her age, strong for her size, climbs like a monkey and gets out of buggys, climbs up trolleys to the point where its dangerous. You 'wouldn't have it', what would you do??!
She doesn't dictate, exactly, but I do have to negotiate a lot more then I did with my other two. wish I could argue that I'm not scared of her...

Theend

Ah, a climber. Fish in a barrel and all that!