To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Iveabsolutely I agree, we don't know the woman's situation, of course. We will agree to disagree, yes. :)

ouryve

shesparkles

"I think a lot of it is about parental expectations too-the one thing I can't abide is children randomly screaming, my childen knew from a very young age that screaming for the sake of it wouldn't be tolerated, therefore I didn't have random screamers.
I must sound like a right charmer grin but I put a LOT of time and effort into teaching my children how to behave when they were younger, and I now have 2 pretty well adjusted kids, whose behaviour in public or with other people I've never had to worry about."

___

Oh I wish I could successfully convey the expectation not to randomly scream to my 8yo. Perhaps he doesn't have severe learning difficulties, after all, and I'm just really crap at getting my expectations across hmm

_

That's not the way in which my post was meant, ams you know it.

*and you know it

(Damn ipad!)

Had no intention of replying on this post again, as your minds are made. Thank you davsmum for seeing this post for what is was.

hedgehogsthatdontbite seriously you are taking this a bit too far now, did you ask me why? did you ask me anything no but you state I am a neglectful and lazy parent? Yet I am the one on here that's judgemental and smug? ok then.

What I meant by that comment was parents with toddlers IN MY EXPERIENCE do make their lives harder. If my little one was due his nappy changed I would not just go over grab him and hoist him up and cart him off to change his nappy. They don't even do that at toddler groups they kneel down at their level tell them what is about to happen then take them to get their nappy changed.

If you go and pick up a toddler who is busy playing with others or building a giant tower that is taking all their concentration and suddenly stop then, you are asking for them to get upset as would you if I lifted you up when you are quite happy on MN.

I am not a lazy and neglectful parent that is another below the belt remark and it amazes me that normally you would not get away with saying things like that on MN to another mum but on this thread im fair game because I dare to say what I think that mum did was uncalled for. In any other thread if someone suggested my children are special needs because they had not done such and such you would've jumped on them.

Neither of my kids have ever had tantrums, that's not been the norm for me. Have they yelled or screamed that high pitched scream that make your eardrums feel like they are going to burst, cried when they cant get their own way, not been happy its bed time yes of course they have. But I have not had to deal with tantrums. Why do you all find that so hard to believe?

Does that make me think I am something special absolutely not, was I lording it over anyone no I wasn't. If you choose to read into it that way I can't help that.

But for all others who are happier being sheep than having their own voice heard you should be ashamed of yourselves like a gang of school bullies.

Take your children shopping let them run free and if you yell and shout and make ridiculous threats across the shop because at 2 they are not going to be able to help touching they don't have that self control yet, leave everyone else to monitor your DC safety, then grab them and drag them from a shop because they didn't obey and put them to bed for the afternoon, carry on but yes you are going to be judged. I don't care what her circumstances are or how bad a day she was having I don't agree with it, I never will. You don't get to stand and idly browse at the clothes when you have a toddler on the lose any parent knows that they would be asking for trouble.

nancy my comment about a support thread or group was in response to posts I have read on here, they mums do need help it is not normal to lock yourself in the bathroom everyday and say you cant even be in same room with your child for an hour without yelling at them. That they cant cope with them, that worries me. The fact ppl were giving sympathy and flowers to these people worries me even more. But dare anyone suggest maybe these parents need to actually look at their own parenting skills is a criminal offence. They admitted they were lazy and couldn't be bothered taking their kids out and didn't like them very much. But they wonder why their toddlers are badly behaved.

oh and as for my book coming out I actually am writing one but not about toddlers or parenting would you like a copy? cant remember your username its hard to reply when so many ppl are going for my jugular.

Oh dear OP

It was me OP. I'm alright thanks for the offer though.

My first two were dream toddlers, they are 18 months apart and I could take them anywhere. I was happily smug like OP about that.
Then I had my third little monster, can't take her anywhere! she won't go in a buggy and is like houdini and can get out of any that I've tried constraining her in, so I gave up with buggies. If I pick her up she bends and wiggles out of my arms, whilst hitting, biting, scratching, pinching me. Reigns she just lifts her legs up/sits on the floor, shopping trolleys are an accident waiting to happen. So despite appearances letting her walk freely is the best only option. She's also a terrible shoplifter. I've given up caring what people think and just hope we both get home in one piece with no thievery involved.
She drives me bloody mad!! I love her to bits

that's ok just thought I would ask you know since I am smug rich passive aggressive idiotic bitch. Interesting you don't ask me what the book is though.

In RL I actually am a nice person and I never once said anything nasty about that woman even though I did disagree with her actions or nasty about any of you. Look at the amount of you having a go at me and you all think that's ok even though I apologised for the wording in my post.

Many of you have spoken to me before under my old username and since I am not part of the pack this time I don't fit in. I actually really liked many of you that has altered slightly and I am sad to admit my RL friends were right about MN, this isn't the right site for me.

theendoftheend woooohooooo go you. you don't care what other people think of you and why should you? I love the disapproving looks in the supermarket when mine is let lose

May I ask you this do you shout at your little one and drag her home by the arm for touching things?

One thing I will add is that when you are trying to deal with a toddler, catching looks from people like you op - makes it 100% times more stressful,

Personally if I see someone struggling and happen to catch their eye I try and smile or make funny comment about children in general.

Basically do everything within short communication window to commiserate....lighten the mood....

Nobody has been rude to you from what I can see, just offered an opinion on what you said and in many cases that is YBU and offered an explanation as to why they think that.

You've apologised for the wording but then carry on in the same tone.

As far as I'm concerned you don't come across well as others have also pointed out. Rather high and mighty and a bit over invested in judging how others parent. You said yourself you don't care the context in which the actions take place. That's quite a 2D viewpoint. It's fine to genuinely care but you come across as trying too hard to be some sort of fixer of all parenting wrongs from a very smug place. It's irritated me.

Disclaimer: I couldn't care less what you or anyone thought of my parenting and I don't care if someone is ineffectually parenting in a supermarket. As I clearly stated there was no obvious abuse or urgent situation happening so why even register what's happening to such a massive extent.

Not as a general rule but that's not to say it's never happened. Something happened recently, I can't remember what, but I do remember saying, right that's enough we're going home and you're going to bed!, then I took her arm (as I'd had my face attacked enough that day and wasn't going to carry her and let her get near it again!) and walked out the shop with her half walking/half having a one arm carry. Anyone who saw it might well have thought I was awful but little did they know!! And, to be fair, they also didn't see how I dealt with it from there. It was a tiny snapshot of our days/lives/relationship

willbeat I get disapproving looks also and mutters.

iveabsolutely fair comment point noted.

My nephew is very loud, sometime screeches, touches things in shops, helps himself to food in shops. Lots of disapproving looks. He has ASD and global learning disability.

iveabsolutely except the no one has been rude to me part that isn't true.

I said as far as I can see.

betty no one should be giving anyone disapproving looks its horrible. Mine helps himself to food in shops also, or from stands outside the fruit shop can manage to swipe an apple even in the buggy.

Have had 3 DS. All three had some tantrums. Youngest DS peaked at about 20 a day. At 22 he is extremely motivated, perfectionist. Always wanted to be able to do things his brothers could. Tantrums do not mean you are a bad parent. Lack of tantrums does not mean you are a good parent. Tantrums in toddlers have always happened & always will. Just chill out & be happy.

I wouldn't give a crap about getting disapproving looks. I doubt I would notice if I was dealing with a toddler. The child would be my focus, not worrying what other people were doing or thinking. Neither would I let my child walk around because she/he decided to be bloody difficult and refuse to go in a buggy or shopping trolley and decide I can't cope with that, theendoftheendof
If you decide to let your child dictate what will happen when you had decided on something different it may make life easier on that occasion but you are making damnsure your life will be harder in the long run.
Why on earth would you give in to a child who is kicking and screaming.
No one should be intimidated by their own child.

Only contributing to say that some children genuinely don't have tantrums. Mine never did, never bolted etc. Neither did my nephew or niece. What I can say is that it was absolutely nothing to do with parenting. They were all born that way. Frankly I found the 'good' behaviour weird and a bit Stepford. Also, we would go to a toy shop and they would stand calmly beside me until instructed to inspect the toys, and never asked for anything. I wished they would go crazy and beg for something, as I would have loved to please them. But they never did.

As teenagers they are as moody and tricky as the next teen, so completely 'normal' in that respect. They were just relatively unusual as children, and I repeat, nothing to do with the parenting. All children are just different, surely.

they weren't unusual! They were just never frustrated or angry. Toddlers are not 'normal' because they HAVE tantrums. And it CAN be down to your parenting,...You may have had a natural way that meant they were relatively calm as a result. You may not have tried to prevent tantrums.
Some kids have tantrums others don't. How you handle it can make it better or worse.
I know kids who have tantrums with one parent but never with the other.

You don't half get disapproving looks when your toddler is clipped by his belt loop to the other end of the dogs lead.

I ignored them. The wee bugger had let go of my hand three times and ran off apparently hell bent on vehicluar suicide.

I said one more time and you go on the lead like the dog as mummy's had enough.

I followed through. He walked to heel beautifully.

Honeydragon! :)