To ask why some people make parenting harder on themselves?

[UniversityOfMotherhood]

Hi all,

My DS was at his little playgroup yesterday morning for two hours, two whole hours to me wow!
Decided I would go for a potter round the charity shop (very sad I know, I do love a charity shop).
I am having a good rummage around and in comes fellow mummy with toddler in tow. Small person was not in buggy or on reins. Her mummy started looking around as did she having a fantastic time re-arranging piles of clothes toddler style.
And there it started from mummy
"stop that"
"don't touch that"
"I mean it leave that alone"
This went on for a good ten minutes by which time toddler had zoned her mummy's voice out preferring to continue wrecking looking at things.
It ended with mummy getting very angry and issuing threats like
"right no Mr tumble when you get home if you don't stop it"
"you will be going straight to bed when we get home"
Toddler continued her business to end up being pulled out of the shop screaming, unwilling to leave with a very harassed red faced mummy saying "that's it home, bed , you were warned"

I was regretting my charity shop potter idea! Honestly why do some parents do this? It completely baffles me. I felt sorry for the little toddler and thought her mums expectations were way to high. Taking a toddler unleashed into any shop and asking them not to touch is just asking for it.

Supermarkets are another place where you hear them well before you see them, screaming tots and frenzied mums.

I have read so many posts on MN with mums saying they can't cope with their toddlers and it just makes me sad, maybe we should start a support thread? Some have said they don't like their toddlers, lock themselves in the bathroom to get away from them, shout and scream at them and then wonder why they behave badly? These posts have received sympathy and flowers. But you can read an innocent tooth brushing toddler thread and the parents end up being accused of bordering on child abuse?????? Seriously what is it all about.

I am not a perfect parent please don't think I am saying that not by a long shot, but I've had two toddlers now with 18 years apart and have never had any tantrums from me or them. I love toddlers I think they are funny strong willed little beings who get very frustrated by us and their lack of language skills. I am sick and tired of toddlers getting a hard time!

Rant over and breathe.

Actually I prefer the term 'herding cats'

Finally, it's more scared for her I'd imagine!

iveabsolutely the part when she grabbed the little girl as she was in the same aisle as me it only has two aisles and dragged her out. I was like The volunteers at till had very different looks on their faces more like .
I could've repeated what they said in my OP but I didn't, funnily enough because I didn't want the mum being judged for it lol. That really did make me laugh out loud. I wanted to see what other people thought about seeing children being treated like this not have their judgement clouded by various other factors, but that's not what happened on here today is it.
12 hours since my first post defended myself all day as didn't want it to be said OP vanished quick didn't she etc, why I bothered be fucked if I know I really don't know.

Ha Ive yes I think you're right she scares me to death with her antics.
I have finally bit the bullet and started taking her to a toddler group as I was worried how she'd behave at nursery, but she's actually very very good there. She hasn't attacked or screamed at anyone. She seems to have anger issues, I think its an attention/frustration thing. Honestly, I've never known a child like her.

No one would say anything for not coming back right away, you have children and things to do.

If you didn't want the mother being judged why dedicate an entire thread to it?

So they clutched pearls and pulled cats bum faces. Charming all round then.

Uni I think I do kind of get what you mean, I have seen parents with children and been appalled at how they've spoken to the child, lack of sympathy, levels of aggression etc. But on other occassions I've seen a mum do similar to what your original post described and had nothing but sympathy as their obviously having a bit of a shit day.
I suppose I read your post and thought 'uhoh you could be describing me!' but honestly, I'm doing my best with a proper little monkey and sometimes it is very waring and I worry as to what the future holds (as Davsmum alluded to). It can be quite tricky, parenting. I think the vast majority are just trying to do their best.

OP - good for you for coming back and I do think you are getting a bit of a hard time on this thread.

Theend

Nursery may be great for her. Maybe she is ready for something new? They have so many 'activities' for toddlers don't they and have seen it all I'm sure! If she does have any 'anger issues' then they'll spot it and guide accordingly.

She sounds like a riot :)

Sometimes if a stranger speaks to a child they stop and look and pay attention. I do it sometimes, not to say 'stop it' but something harmless, like look at this or I smile. Just hearing a strangers voice can distract them enough to stop the behaviour that you don't want. However, I am conscious that children should not speak to strangers so I pick very carefully when I choose to do this.
For example, going to school to collect my child, a mum is leaving the school gate but her toddler is up by the school refusing to move so I say to the mum I will say something to encourage the child to go to their mother, something like 'mummy is waiting' is enough, they are surprised by a stranger speaking and want to find the security of mum. It solves the problem, child goes to mum, no tears, tantrums from anyone.
In the shop you could have spoken to the child, said 'look at this top, will it suit me?' They might think you are weird but it would probably work and the child would stop what it was doing.
My quiet daughter once picked up a shoe in a shop without me realising until a woman chased after us, so quiet, I hadn't noticed ?? so embarrassing.

Ive she is! She's very very sweet and funny, she's my baby and she's adorable

I've just discovered mines stolen a keyring on todays outing

I'm thinking of writing a book on avoiding toddler tantrums too, as my 2.5yo has managed to go pretty much the whole evening without having one. All it took was "Frozen" and the knowledge she was staying up way later than her big brother. At a mere 9:45, she was put to bed and settled in minutes.

Now that's parenting. Dh and I have a full 15 minutes to call our own before we too crash out in bed and she may not get us up again till at least 2am.

I just don't understand why other children can't be as well behaved as my little angel.

Haha kate please write that book, I'll read it!

Are you telling me you would have thought nothing? You have never seen the way a parent does something and thought you are making a rod for your own back? Or heard them threaten and threaten but never follow through? Seen mums trying to have a convo with their friends and you can see the toddler is about to explode with boredom if it hears "just a minute mummy is talking one more time"? Its not going to work out with a happy ending. Other parents have said similar things on this thread but no one challenged them. Many now wont want to comment and why would they when they can clearly see what I have gotten for it.

Many parents have said tantrums are down to the parenting yet they comments didn't get a reply as everyone was to busy having a go at me.
The thread was not meant to go the way it has.

I have managed to do everything I needed to do as well as try my best to make my point, if I didn't give a shit I would've left the post unanswered.
I really am sorry for those who think I am high and mighty or think I am something special nothing could be further from the truth. The part where I said my boys haven't had tantrums in my OP set it in everyone's (except a few) mind that I seemed to think my parenting skills were far better than theirs, not true.

So I shall leave this thread but I am sure there will be many more who add their view on it or nasty comments about me and that's ok.
But I stand by what I said, some parents are making their lives even harder than they need to be, accept toddlers are toddlers and for the love of god be a bit gentler, kinder and more understanding to them.

Everyone reads baby books how many read toddler books? And if your not willing to learn about your toddler that's cool but stop moaning that their tantrums are making your life a misery, they are not doing it on purpose to piss you off!

As the superior parent I would like to point out that five year old dd finished Tinkerbell and the Pirate Fairy in my bed and was asleep by 10:40pm. That's a whole 5 minutes earlier than yours. Smug.

Yes, honey but mine now knows how to create a palace out of ice. What did yours learn from Tinkerbell?

Older mom here...can genuinely say my oldest ds never had a tantrum...grew up..gave me hell as a teenager..did everything l hoped he wouldn't. Two others had the odd tantrum..no bother as teenagers. I would rather a screaming toddler than an out of control teenager..at least you can put him on a reins now and then.

theendoftheend thanks for saying that. That's what I meant this thread to be about. Think maybe a lot of people read my OP that way. Your little one sounds like a feisty wee thing lol go her she will go far in life with a will that strong (you will be demented on the other hand).

Ardha I did speak to the little girl.

theendoftheendof I have had had children do this. I dont negotiate. I have told the child we are going in the shop and they will sit in the trolley. I didn't get stressed out when the child started going rigid or struggling. I just repeated they had to go in the trolley. A child knows when you mean what you say, they pick up on any hesitancy even if you think you are not showing it. Kids are not stupid.
They usually forget to struggle after 30 seconds if you are confident and stay calm and mean what you say. If you are not then just forget it. The child will carry on because of you, not because of them. Cos it pays off in the end for them. Kids know what works.

yetanother thank you.

That pirates are right bastards.

I used to wonder why people let their children behave badly when i had just DS1.

He came at smiling and at peace with the the world.

Then i had DS2 who will one day grind you all under his boot.

Yes sometimes we all make parenting harder on ourselves than we need to, all of us, and we don't necessarily realise we could have made it easier until afterwards.. It's all a learning game surely!

As to the tantrum thing my eldest was the queen of tantrums and has them twice a year or so still now ( age ten ), my six year old has never had one, no word of a lie. And my youngest is eighteen months and showing every sign of being as bad as my oldest. I, however, am older and calmer so just ignore her ( doesn't stop them happening though )!!!

Some parents do bring trouble on themselves however I think having two children so far apart in age means you in effect had two separate 'only children'. From experience it is much much much easier to parent an only child. My first two and my 4th were very easy, portable, placid, non tantumming kids. My third was born with a very different personality type and was very sensitive of others, himself and his environment. He was very perceptive, very intuitive, and very spirited, very capable and extremely academic. Parenting my third child takes a lot more skill, awareness and patience.

Priceless! Only on Mumsnet can someone diagnose your children as autistic because they didn't have tantrums when they were children. I'd better let my DCs know ASAP...