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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
bishboschone · 21/01/2015 17:50

I'm 40 and don't work , I can honestly say I can't see myself working again . My dh has a great job and I have a 3 year old . The small amount I could earn while he isn't at playgroup or school isn't worth the effort as it would be cleaning / retail etc .. I don't get bored as I go to the gym every morning and clean and cook etc .. We are a team and it works well Smile

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:51

Chund - thanks for that and love the 'shit comes to shite' line Grin DH is insured.

I have never really thought much about pensions. I did teach for 7 years (!) and as I say DH has one. Plus I wasn't being entirely facetious - we aren't a long lived family.

creambun I've tried to explain but for me it's just not feeling a pull to anything and since I don't financially need to work, I'm sort of happy with that.

l8 I want my children to be happy, I'm not really too bothered about the 'work hard' aspect. What I do want them to have are choices and obviously education helps provide those choices.

OP posts:
I8toys · 21/01/2015 17:53

I think I have the same work ethic as my mum. She has worked throughout my childhood and still does even through her retirement. I want my children to have that same attitude.

Topseyt · 21/01/2015 17:53

I was an SAHM for almost 15 years, having stopped work when I had baby no. 2. It would have cost more than I could earn to put two children into childcare here, and I had no family support network anywhere near.

In 2002 I had baby no. 3. It was once she reached secondary school age that I started putting out more feelers for returning to paid work. Before then I felt she was too young to be left

There was certainly a time when I couldn't see my way back to work, but we did need the money. It was a horrible time as my confidence was rock bottom and my office experience very out of date.

I am glad I persevered though. I now have a local part time job which can often be done at home and I really like it. I have more of a purpose and feel I am on a more equal footing with my husband, who I know had felt the strain of being the only earner.

Never say never.

Hobsandpeanuts · 21/01/2015 17:54

I8toys

I don't work but I see myself as being in an equal partnership with my husband as much as you are with yours.

I provide for my DS by offering my care, DH provides for him financially. My staying at home also allows my DH to do things he wouldn't otherwise be able to do.

Perhaps society would be better off if we talked with all our children in a more rounded way about their futures, male and female and encouraged them to at least consider that there may come a point when they need to or want to take a long career break to raise children. It make break down some of the stigma for SAHDs?

creambun2014 · 21/01/2015 17:55

I suppose it is hard to understand if you have a quite driven personality. I couldn't imagine not working. Dh is happy cooking and cleaning and doing all that sort of thing (I prefer it being done for me tbh) if it is what you are in to that is fine. I still wouldn't decide the rest of my life today though.

Chunderella · 21/01/2015 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe · 21/01/2015 17:57

morethanpotatoprints

I raised an eyebrow not because I was judging your choices but because you said you were a sahm for 23 years...do you have very large age gaps between your children? Surely once your children are older teenagers, you are a housewife and not a sahm iyswim?

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:58

Will have a look chund - thanks. This will make some people go mad but I leave finances to dh

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 21/01/2015 17:58

TBH OP you sound so lack lustre about everything, you're probably best off way away from other folks kids Grin.

FWIW I know lots of women who became SAHMs and haven;t worked since, though their DC are teens. The reasons are multitude.

Some are happy as Larry, some are miserable as sin.

cestlavielife · 21/01/2015 18:00

I don't understand how only the SAHP is "raising" the child.

I read up above that SAHM want to do this so that they can "raise my [our]children" - does that mean that the DH who is working is not involved in "raising" the children because he goes out to work?

surely both parents are raising the children, whether or not they earning the money and "only" there in the evenings/weekends, or whether they the ones going to from school or looking after pre school kids in the day?

Do you believe that it is only the parent who stays at home with pre school kids who is "raising" them? what is the other parent doing? does earning money not contribute to "raising" kids?

anyway if you have the finances so you don't have to go out to paid work that is entirely your choice - but things can change overnight and when you least expect it. put all contingencies in place.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/01/2015 18:03

I cannot imagine being financially dependent on someone. I would hate it. But each to their own. It would be a dull world if we were all the same

chickydoo · 21/01/2015 18:04

Flame me for this GrinGrinGrin
I find many SAHM's boring...yikes I will be drummed out of mumsnet.
Maybe if they do volunteering for the good of the community then that's interesting, a talking point. But I have a friend who has never worked, she talks about her husbands job and lives her life through her kids. Yes it might be fun to stay at home for a bit, I think I would enjoy that....but forever, crikey. I have 4 kids I adore them, but now they are older, I need to be me. My job is hard work, but unusual, my DH's job pays well.
I have just spent a large chunk of my hard earned on a two week study trip to a beautiful exotic location. DH is fine to keep an eye on the youngest, they will manage fine while I'm away. He will go away for a ski trip later. We will all go away in the summer as a family. Work provides so much for us in terms of money, but also in terms of interesting discussions with friends, and also gives me a drive that I just wouldn't have mooching about the house for years on end. We are all different, and that's a good thing I guess. Just don't talk to me about the bloody cake sale or what little Johnny got in his exams....Yawn.
Hard hat is on Grin

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 21/01/2015 18:05

UpTheChimney is right though. The OP is being entitled to expect not to work ever again as her husband doesn't have that luxury. I don't imagine the OP is saying to her husband "you stop working as well as its nice"

What happens if he gets fed up and trades for a new model that is willing to share the household expenses?

If I have a DD and she decides that working is something she doesn't fancy, she'd be told to get real in no uncertain terms. I'd have done something very wrong as a parent to have such a lazy daughter. Why bother educating in the first place.

I8toys · 21/01/2015 18:07

Yey Chickydoo

NotGoingOut17 · 21/01/2015 18:08

Just another point about pensions to consider OP - Although I expect if your DH has been paying into a pension it will be fairly decent as NHS, it won't seem as decent when it's supporting 2 people rather than 1.

I think I am a similar age to you OP (30) and I don't think we can count on receiving state pensions so it's something to think about because better to be working and saving whilst you are young (I don't mean straight away but when it fits in with your children etc) than realising at 65 that you could do with an extra few grand a year.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 18:10

Possibly.

I probably am quite boring although I'd rather bleach my arse than do a cake sale!

OP posts:
carabos · 21/01/2015 18:11

upthechimney is right IMO. I'm a big believer in have your babes and scuttle off back to work pronto. The only way you can be independent is to earn and keep your own money. I have made sure that throughout two marriages I have been in a position where no matter what happened between me and Hs, my lifestyle and that of my DC would not be compromised. You'd be amazed at how much power that gives you in a relationship.

Chunderella · 21/01/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ludoole · 21/01/2015 18:15

My partner and I always planned that he would continue to run his businesses and i would sort the house stuff due to his long hours. Unfortunately terminal illness has put an end to that... Hes still running his businesses although wont be able to for much longer... and when he has gone i will have to look for a job with more hours than i currently do.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 18:16

Thanks chund :)

OP posts:
SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 21/01/2015 18:16

Cestlavielife, it's very true. Both parents raise a child not just one in a relationship. When the child is at school, they don't cease to be raised by parents simply as they are not with them.

I think it's just that some people want a title rather than say they are not in employment and trying to justify why they don't work. I can't imagine the spouse of somebody saying they can't work as they are raising a child being very pleased, it's almost like the second parent is second class.

Bambambini · 21/01/2015 18:16

I'm 46 and not worked since I was 33 and had my first. Have no plans or need at the moment to work again though looking into some voluntary work. Problem is I'd want any work totally on my terms in regards to hours and holidays etc and I would find it a bit nerve racking entering the workforce again. But, I do need to be doing more so voluntary work might be a good start.

esiotrot2015 · 21/01/2015 18:17

Chickydoo

That might be true if you gave a career job but no ones interested if you're job is cleaning , stacking shelves etc
It's hardly stimulating dinner party chat

morethanpotatoprints · 21/01/2015 18:18

Formerbabe

We do have a large gap ds1 is 23 ds2 20 and dd 11.

I knew from the start it is what I wanted though and discussed it with dh and we both wanted the same.
I do enjoy it and would have changed things had I not.
Atm, we both H.ed our 11 year old (since end y3).
If my life wasn't full I would be looking to find some sort of work, but being a sahm has afforded our family a lot of freedom.

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