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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
Solasum · 21/01/2015 16:55

I thought the poster saying 'most women do it' meant that most women do go and work again, not that they don't?

Gawjushun · 21/01/2015 16:56

I think even if we could afford it, I'd want to keep my hand in at work. My mum's friend had three young children and was a SAHM when her husband died. It was very tough for her because, although they had the insurance money etc, it wasn't going to last forever. Her professional qualifications had lapsed, and there were many tough years for her while she re-trained and tried to raise the kids. I like to think that I could still support me and DS if anything happened, or if DH decided to leave me for his secretary or something.

biggles50 · 21/01/2015 16:56

Never say never. Circumstances change. So enjoy the time at home with your children and be open to future options. My husband was made redundant when the children were little and our lives changed dramatically. My mum used to say every woman should be able to earn her own living because you never know what's around the corner. She certainly was right.

formerbabe · 21/01/2015 16:56

Have been a sahm for over 23 years now.

Hmm
browneyedgirl86 · 21/01/2015 16:59

I agree with whoever said you shouldn't depend on anyone financially that is so true.

I also agree that being a sahp should be a joint decision between a couple.

PeaStalks · 21/01/2015 17:00

I know quite a few parents of teenagers who haven't worked since having children. All interesting women with full lives.
Yours is a baby, working is harder not easier as they get older.

I am lucky not to need to work and I haven't worked full time since having DC 19 years ago. I've had periods when I have not worked at all and been perfectly happy. You may find you want to look for undemanding part time work eventually. Too soon to know really.
I just found teenagers annoying hard work This will also change when yours is a teenager Grin

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:03

I'm not sure about that last statement pea! Grin

OP posts:
notonyourninny · 21/01/2015 17:05

This is someting I mull over alot. I will be 39 when my yongest of 4 goes to school. I will have many worki g years left. I can't imagine not working but really want to re-train and thst will be hard and full on. might have a year off first

I8toys · 21/01/2015 17:06

I would feel uncomfortable with it tbh.

I have worked since both of my children were 5 months old - just the 6 months maternity leave with both. Worked part time throughout my children growing up and now work 30 hours a week part time, can work at home and can do the school drop off/pick up. I wouldn't have this set up had I stopped.

I want my own money and not to be beholden to my husband. I spend what I want, when I want - would hate to give that up.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/01/2015 17:07

At 48 my mum (who had in the past been a civil servant, a life guard, a swimming teacher, a primary school teacher, a waitress, a private tutor and an admin assistant but who hadn't worked full time for more than 18 months at a time since she was 27) decided to retrain as an accountant. She passed all her exams first time and won an award for being the best accounting student in the county!

She paid really high contributions into her pension for the years that she worked and this pension means that instead of having a perfectly comfortable retirement (my dad has 45 years worth of FS pension) they have a "4 foreign holidays a year, new kitchen and bathroom and can't really think of anything to spend our money on" kind of retirement. They are having a ball!

Never say never!

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:07

So do I l8. I don't feel beholden to DH either, rightly or wrongly.

OP posts:
Marmiteandjamislush · 21/01/2015 17:07

You both are and not I think. I am a WAHP (part time) so the lions share of our income in the day to day sense comes from my DH. I come from a wealthy family, but do not take any money from my parents for myself. I don't get on well with my mother. However, my parents have set up trusts for our children, so they are effectively 'independently wealthy', whatever that means, but I would be disappointed if they didn't have a purpose in life. Not a Job, a purpose. If that purpose leads to payment, then that's great. It seems that your purpose at the moment is running your family home, so it's fine not to want a job right now. I do, however, think YABU to write it off forever, you might find your way to something you love in the future. I have to admit, though, I like contributing, even my tiny bit to the family coffers.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:09

I do know what you mean; my own parents would have been HORRIFIED Grin

But I really, honestly, can't think of anything I feel drawn towards doing and it would be nice if that changed but not sure it will!

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 21/01/2015 17:09

formerbabe

It works for us and is what we wanted as a family.
I lead a full life and am contented.
Financially, everything is in my name or is shared.
It enables me to be the kind of mother I wanted to be and I knew from giving birth that this would be the case.
Dh also prefers it this way and is fully supportive, in turn me being fully supportive of his career.
He works at home sometimes, sometimes away.

HennaFlare · 21/01/2015 17:11

Why the Hmm?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/01/2015 17:16

Op - sorry to intrude but did your parents both work very hard and then die young before they got to enjoy life at all?

Because that will obviously impact your feelings on work vs leisure.

SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 17:18

Pensions do confuse me I have to admit.

DH has one through his job I think.

Well find out for sure! This is a huge financial risk/decision to make and really shouldnt just be based on not fancying working again. You need to find out exactly where you stand financially should DH die/become ill/leave you and also how it leaves you WRT pension etc. decide as a couple how the finances will work. Will you have total access (i would accept nothing less) or will he give you a set amount each month/week. What about big purchases. Will he have final say, will you have any say?. Seriously, thrash this out between the two of you so that you know exactly what your situation is (and will be in future) and what happens if X,Y or Z happens. Eg; Will DH support you if you decide after 10 years to go back to work? Lots to talk about.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:19

Not really - well, they were both pretty young when they died. My mum was 52 and my dad 66.

I'm not sure they worked specially hard though! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:21

Yes all right surly; Hmm I don't understand pensions full stop particularly never mind DHs Grin He works for the NHS full time and has done so since being 23 I think so I imagine he has a pension through them.

I let DH sort finances anyway as I am frankly shit at it (as evidenced by above.)

I haven't worked since 2011 so a lot of the stuff you mention is by-the-by: of course I have full access.

OP posts:
paperlace · 21/01/2015 17:21

It's a big risk, to step off the working/career wheel for good.

I woudn't and didn't do it.

I want to make my own money, even though it's shared with my dh and family obvs.

My career is satisfying, it gives me autonomy, an existence and identity away from my dc...I love it.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:24

You see - and this is honestly not a dig at anybody - but I find it fascinating how many people need to work for their identity.

Away from work I'm a mum but also owner of many animals including fish, chickens, rabbits, horses, cats and a dog. I garden. I cook and I bake. I feel I have far more of an identity away from work.

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 21/01/2015 17:25

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

So who's going to pay for your pension (oh, the rest of us)

What happens if your DH dies or buggers off or becomes disabled so much that he's unable to work, or throws you over for a younger model?

What will you do when your children are teens, or adult & independent.

Never ever give up your job. Never ever.

SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 17:25

Sure why im getting the sourbake, was just giving a bit of advice that seemed necessary as you dont seem to have a clue about what state you will be leaving yourself in financially. But hey, you dont want advice, dont ask the question.

of course I have full access.

Nothing "of course" about it. Many many women dont ( check out relationships board)

Skatingfastonthinice · 21/01/2015 17:27

I'd happily never work again but I'd need to have an independent source of income to be truly comfortable. I couldn't cope with living off someone else's money long-term, for security and all sorts of other reasons.
But a large, unexpected inheritance? Oh yes please.

SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 17:27

Where's the big X when you need her? She loves these threads Grin