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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:28

Up, d'you mean state pension? Because everybody gets that, don't they?

Surly don't be daft, advice is fine. You just sounded very - passionate Grin

If DH dies he has life insurance.

If he is disabled then I would care for him.

If he throws me out for a younger model I will kick him in the balls have to sell some property and possibly look at getting one of those job things ...

When children become independent ... more sitting on my ass I guess Grin

OP posts:
LinesThatICouldntChange · 21/01/2015 17:29

Get yourself up to speed with pensions. You say your DH works for the NHS so presumably has a pension with them. Public sector pensions have changed so check out the detail. Even if he clocks up a full pension, you won't get it all if he pre deceases you. A frightening percentage of women are underprepared for how they will support themselves after their husband's death. I know perfectly capable intelligent women who erroneously believe that their husband having a great salary and pension means they'll somehow be ok in the event they outlive him. Definitely pays to get clued up, even though its not the most exciting subject in the world

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:31

Yeah will try to ask him about that ... Thanks.

OP posts:
SandyChick · 21/01/2015 17:31

I worked from leaving sixth form until I was 25 when I became a SAHM. I'm now 34. Dh has a good job so we manage financially just about. My youngest will start school in 2 years when I plan (and looking forward) to go back into work. It's crazy to think that by then I'll have been out of work for 10+ years. It will just be part time to fit in with school initially but I'd love to train in something and go on to have a career once my children are less dependant on me. I never planned on being out of work for this long. Childcare cost was the main reason I stopped working.

UptheChimney · 21/01/2015 17:31

but I find it fascinating how many people need to work for their identity

Oh this patronising BS. Just as well your husband doesn't have the same attitude to work and earning money. Or the rest of us, who are paying taxes for the services you access.

Or, imagine this: a patriarchal misogynist system where even if you really really wanted to work at things other than domestic tasks & child rearing, you weren't allowed to even if you were very very talented. Sometimes I think today's 20-something women need to think about that very carefully.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 21/01/2015 17:33

So six years work and that's it? Have you even in that time paid back the cost of your education?

I can't imagine never working relying on a partner to provide for my every need. At times between jobs or sickness like in the marriage vows maybe but not because working is something I don't fancy. I'm sure if your husband came home and said he had quit never intending to work again you'd not be at all happy.

Why encourage children to do well at school and aim high if the attitude is working is beneath them.

I can only hope DS chooses a partner that shares the home and financial burden as a true partnership rather than just be seen in terms of salary.

QueenofKelsingra · 21/01/2015 17:33

between I agree and feel the same. I feel very fulfilled by the life I lead which does not involve paid employment. there should be many facets to your 'identity' and they will not be the same for each person.

I do think its important you sort pensions/worst case plans. I have full access to the family money and from that I have a pension in my name as well as DH having a work one. plus the life/incapacity insurance I mentioned upthread.

unfortunately it seems a lot of people are in very unequal relationships 'my money' 'his money' etc and as such they cant fully understand the dynamics of a true joint family pot. yes DH earns the money but it is paid to a joint account which I have access to and it is all 'our money' to be used how both of us see fit to make our family life work. big purchases are of course discussed but usual every day stuff I just do - the budget is my job!

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:33

Lol, it wasn't patronising, not intentionally anyway. I just didn't find I had much of an identity when I did work while now, I do.

Sorry about using your taxes. If it makes you feel any better, DH is a higher rate tax payer.

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 21/01/2015 17:34

d'you mean state pension? Because everybody gets that, don't they?

If they pay National Insurance. Otherwise a basic amount is paid for by everybody else's taxes. And your spouse's widows pension etc from your husband's NHS pension is paid for by all the other contributors, even if they're single, widowed etc . We all pay the same rate, partnered or single, but you get the benefit.

You'd jolly well better hope that the children you're raising make a contribution to look after you!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/01/2015 17:34

Check the position about the State Pension its not a simple as everyone gets it don't they.

www.gov.uk/state-pension/eligibility

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:36

Snowwhite I have thought this myself - that what is the point of my degree. I know my parents would have gone mad about it!

Not completely sure what you mean re the cost though (sorry.)

If DH said he didn't want to work again, I don't know how I'd feel. It's so out of character for him that I'd have to apply that to another marriage in a sense and I would be - well, okay with it I think. If I earned what DH does, and was passionate about my job in the way he is.

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 21/01/2015 17:37

If it makes you feel any better, DH is a higher rate tax payer

So am I. It seems, I've paid for your education as well as my DS's (mostly without a husband as he died). And It seems I'll be paying for your pension too.

I think the OP and subsequent wonderings just about take the cake for entitlement I've read on here.

QueenofKelsingra · 21/01/2015 17:37

upthechimney the whole point is to allow women the CHOICE, not that we all have do be 'sisters doing it for ourselves'. I am glad to have the choice and I do not believe it for a second belittles the sacrifices of those women who fought for that choice that I have chosen to remain at home raising our children.

a lot of people seem to think the OP is demanding her DH supports her living a life of luxuary, is it inconceivable that some partners are happy and enjoy their work whilst some do not and therefore a joint decision has been made that both parties are happy with?

SauvignonBlanche · 21/01/2015 17:37

I've always loved my career but having just had 6 months off I really don't want to go back.

I'm quite unlikely to win the lottery this week, aren't I? Sad

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:38

up ach, I will probably be dead before then to be honest. We aren't a long lived family.

OP posts:
Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:40

I don't think I'm entitled.

That's certainly not really an adjective I've ever applied to myself. I don't work, but our household income is still high, so ... Lost, really.

This is why I am better not working; I'm not very bright!

OP posts:
chickydoo · 21/01/2015 17:40

I have worked since I was 15 ( weekends then)
I am now 48 I still work ( full time++++) in my own business.
I took 2 years off when my youngest was born. Had to retrain to do what I do now.
I have 4 kids, I have to work. I would love to be a SAHM.
My 4 are all at school, uni etc. my kids my responsibility, I work very hard, one day I am sure my kids will too.
I do enjoy the fact that if I really want something, however daft, frivolous or whatever I never ever feel guilty about buying it.
I have worked for the money, so if I want to buy something I do.
My scarf and knitwear fettish continues Grin

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:42

I never feel guilty about buying anything either should I Grin

OP posts:
Hobsandpeanuts · 21/01/2015 17:44

So six years work and that's it? Have you even in that time paid back the cost of your education?

I know this isn't my thread and this comment wasn't directed at me but I'd like to address it.

I sometimes think about this aspect of me not working and wonder if I wasted tax payers money. I haven't fully paid my SL back yet and at this rate it us unlikely I ever will.

It makes me regret going to University now, I wish I had never bothered. I feel like I was only ever given one option and shown one path in life. Because I was 'clever' or at least good at passing exams I was told I had to go to University and that if I didn't this would make me a failure. I was too young to realise that just because my parents and society told me something was true, that didn't mean it was.

I was never ambitious and if someone had asked me at the time I would probably have realised that what I really wanted out of life was to be a SAHM and that I didn't need to go to Uni and could have got a job in the meantime.

I don't think that my leaning on my DH financially is a negative thing at all. Yes he could leave me and I would be in financial difficulty if he did so, but I'd cope somehow and would have to learn to cut my cloth to suit my means - lots of people have to do that.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 17:45

I didn't have a student loan so that wasn't an issue.

OP posts:
Chunderella · 21/01/2015 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

creambun2014 · 21/01/2015 17:47

It is a bit of a bizarre decision. Why on earth would you decide now what you are doing in 10/20 years time?

I8toys · 21/01/2015 17:47

I am just thinking about what Snow White said about pushing our children to aim high, do well at school and get a fantastic job. Are we saying to our daughters (I have two boys) that work hard but as soon as you have children don't bother anymore.

If my husband came home and said he wanted to give up work I would look at him differently - lose my respect for him. We are an equal partnership that both provide for our family.

TheWrathofNaan · 21/01/2015 17:48

Upthechimney- I think your replies have been really unkind.

Do you really imagine there are even enough jobs in the country for everyone over 18 years old?

Hobsandpeanuts · 21/01/2015 17:49

UptheChimney

I don't think that's fair and I don't think the OP is entitled.

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