To ask about never working again ...

[betweenmarchandmay]

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

It sounds like you didn't enjoy your first career so you have sworn off all work. I get it; I chose the wrong career first time round

But there may come a time when you want to do something else.

I also agree you would be wirse to get a bit more financially clued up

People my age - 45 - are starting to divorce

Wise, not wirse

I think if you have private investments and can manage on them then it is perfectly understandable not to want to work.

I only work for the money I had many years as a SHAM and thoroughly enjoyed them. I have loads of interests and hobbies, including a lot of voluntary work that I was involved in. In fact my job now is being paid to do something I have done as a volunteer so that is perfect for me.

I too agree that it is sad that so many people's identity is bound up with their job but, we are all different. Both DH and I would happily stop working if we could afford to - and we did take a year off to travel in our 40s - it was great. .

Just be 100 % sure that all your investments are in your name and enable you and your DC to live independently from your DH. Could he claim on them should you split up?

I don't need to work, but I do, and my kids are 18 months and 4. I only work weekends but I've worked since I was 13 and couldn't imagine ever not working. Also, I don't want to rely on my partner all my adult life so would like to keep my foot in the door. I just find it very old fashioned to rely on someone else financially.

Christ this thread is depressing - the only reason women work is to be financially secure for when their partners cheat on them!!

chickydoo - I find lots of people boring - it doesn't matter if they are the Chief Executive of some top company or a SAHM - if they are boring they are boring. And there are few things more tedious than either someone droning on about their job or droning on about their children.

Re-reading your post I find hearing about people's travel experiences extremely boring - I have travelled to quite a few interesting places myself but make sure I never drone on about it.

I doubt I'll work again, am now 50, and it looks unlikely.

I worked from 22 to 32 full time, then part time after having ds1 until having ds2 at 35. Childcare costs were too much to go back, and then I had ds3 and really settled into being a SAHM, which is what I am now and youngest DS is 14.

I really enjoyed working and when I stopped when I had the dc I didn't really think that it would be forever, but that's the way it is turning out.

I love being at home, and Dh earns enough for me to not have to work. I do ask him from time to time if he would like me to go back to a paid job, but the inconvemience it would cause him, for the not very much money I'd be able to earn in the workplace, means it's not necessarily something he wants. Although he would be supportive if I wanted to.

I bloody love my life (so much easier now the dc aren't small). Having said that, I loved working too, so if that happened again one day, I would embrace that life too.

I've never worked and never will have to. If you can and you have no ambition (like myself), then crack on!

Hmmm.
I have been a sahm for 12 years.
I have no idea if I am boring.
I don't talk about cakes, or my dc to others. Frankly they bore me at times. Why should a Stranger care?
During these 12 years I have done one stint of part time work but it just wasn't worth all the stress. I have done voluntary work, have home schooled my eldest for a year, have studied part time with the OU, have looked after my mother after my fathers death, have volunteered in my sons school, have done charity work....
Ive been quite busy tbh :)
It's a shame that sahms are judged so harshly.
After all, wohps aren't all heartless money grabbers, are they? :)
As a woman I really feel you cannot win.
Sahp = lazy and boring
Wohp = uncaring and money orientated
Do what's right for you and your family is the lesson to take from this I suppose.

The OP has a baby. There is no way of knowing how she will feel when her child or children are older. The pressure on women to work as soon as possible after having children (even if they don't have a financial need) sucks the joy out of those first years IME.
I wish I had not gone straight back to work and had taken a few years at home.

I had to give up work in 2000 as my son who was has complex medical needs needed me to stay at home and care for him. He is now an adult and with the loss of child tax credits I am now seeking work for 3 days a week. I don't think Carers are seen as ideal employees and there are definitely barriers to getting back into paid employment. I still have 9 years to go till state pension age but luckily will have an occupational pension a few years from now.

I8

Not the only reason. A reason. And who said what about cheating? Couples spilt up, lots of them

Not me or you, but it's silly to ignorethe possibilty. iMO

Bowlersarm - don't be too sure, I re-entered the work force at 56 .

:)

My mum gave me really good advice( for me) when my children were young. She said "keep your hand in" In other words do a little bit of work voluntary or paid so you don't lose confidence. I worked as a youth worker one night a week from when my first child was about 6 months old. It meant I continued to feel part of the working world. It gave my DH valuable time alone with DS (He then appreciated me all the more!). I liked having money I earned and contributed to the household too. Apart from when heavily pregnant or in first 6 months I have always worked part time. I found it essential for my self esteem, however much I enjoyed being a mum. However now I have been working full time for the last 9 years I can't wait to go back to part time! Maybe some women feel completely fulfilled by being a SAHM but I wasn't, and certainly can't imagine giving up on work completely. Not saying you are being unreasonable though OP! It's your choice.

I couldn't imagine depending on a man financially beyond a couple of years when children are babies. I had a couple of years at home and it was enough. I felt my job then was giving the best start to our DC, not being a housewife. If you're not working when the youngest goes to school then in my view you become a housewife, who becomes more and more redundant as the years go by.

Even if I'd had a rich husband who worked long hours I would still feel the need to contribute, to be independent. To have 23 years of not working is bizarre to me. Sorry to whoever it is, I've forgotten the name, but it's like half a life. Work is important, not just for the money (although in this day and age it's very important). Baking and cooking and crafts and voluntary work etc can still be done outside of work hours. I just don't get it. I have told my DCs - boys - to meet someone that has a career (not job) that they want to go back to after children. Men don't seem to have this option to opt out of work to the same extent women seem to, even if the men agree. I think it can be a burden to some men long term. Even if it isn't if the SAHM goes back to work then perhaps they can retire earlier, which benefits them both, there's more savings if anything happens such as illness, unemployment or death.

Is it ever possible to feel completely fulfilled by one thing in your life?
Surely it's better to have lots of interests/work/social things that fulfill you?

I'd quite like to be a SAHM. Probably won't be though. My DH and I could manage perfectly well on one salary, with some sacrifices.

But the truth is, I don't want to make them. I've worked since I was 16 in some capacity so 10 years total, half of that in full time work. I never want to be financially dependant on my DH. I don't foresee a split ever, but who does?

If we win the lottery though I'll be jacking my job in without a second thought.

If my fiancé and I could live on one wage (salary levels being equal) we would both go part time.

ragwort

Hide all hermoney in the event of a split?

That reads as though you think what's his is 'ours' and what's hers is hers? Presumably you don't feel that she would be entitled to a 50/50 split of the family home and/or any savings given that she only contributed for 6 years? And of course she should waive any rights to his pension pot in the event of a split.

This isn't really an AIBU, is it? It's more of a 'This is how I live my life. Anyone got an opinion on it?'

You don't want to work, you're independently wealthy (though by your own omission not particularly financially knowledgeable), your husband likes the current set-up, there's no job you're especially interested in anyway, you don't need a career to contribute to your sense of autonomy or independence, etcetera ...

I'm not entirely sure why you're asking if you're BU. You clearly don't think so, and have a comeback for every issue raised/suggested by others, so you're not likely to change your mind, nor do I believe that you are at all interested in changing your mind or rethinking your lifestyle, given that your current set-up suits you perfectly and seems to be exactly what you and your husband both want.

So in what respect do you think you might be unreasonable? What insights were you looking for when you started the thread?

Do you really imagine there are even enough jobs in the country for everyone over 18 years old?

I hope there are, and I'm sure there could be if we changed the way we organise work & the distribution of wealth.

In terms of entitlement of the OP -- yes, she's got an entitled way of thinking: that she's entitled to choose when ever so many people have to work.

So I'm thinking about all the people who have to work at identity-destroying minimum wage jobs, and all the women throughout history, who've had to work. Who don't have the kind of choice that the OP thinks she has.

She only has that choice because she thinks that she is certain that her husband will always be able and willing to provide. Lots of women and men throughout history have never had that choice. And the only reason the OP thinks she has it is because most of the rest of us set aside lardi da ideas about our identity and earn the money, to pay the taxes, to enable her to be airy-fairy about saying "Oh I don't need to work" Her DH works in the NHS? Well who/what pays for that?

I happen to be very fortunate: I have a highly paid(ish) job that I love. But I work very long hours (I'm having my 'lunch' now), and I've always paid my way.

Mary Wollstonecraft said it back in 1792: there are ways that the middle class marriage is exactly like prostitution -- the exchange of sex for money.

Being a SAHM is crap if all you do is housework.

If you can fit in some interesting voluntary work (though it's not often interesting) then it would be ok.

Though work can also be pretty rubbish.

So I think the answer is part time work in a job you really enjoy, for whatever reason.

The OP's life sounds pleasant if a bit aimless.

Squeezy

The court would not see it that way as financial contributions are not the only way to contribute to a relationshio and giving up a career to raise children is generally considered a hefty contribution. if the split occurred when the children were still quite young then 50/50 is by no means the worst case scenario for her dp.

A husband is more likely to be badly behaved if the wife is totally dependent on him.

She will be more likely to tolerate bad behaviour because the consequences of rocking the boat are so severe for her.

He is more likely, over time, to see the purpose of her life to be to make his life easy. The whole set up encourages him to put his needs first and her to put herself last. Selfishness grows, unfairness grows, unhappiness follows.