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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 21/01/2015 16:35

Live - DHs salary.

Very foolish to depend on another person to support you all your days. Anything at all could happen. That is such a risky decision.

GlitteryLipgloss · 21/01/2015 16:35

Even if you applied for TA job at least you could work school hours, school holidays off and had some purpose rather than school runs, make tea, tidy up, the dreaded laundry battle.

But on the flip side, I am 31 and in the process of changing our mortgage so we can have a family and I can be a SAHM for a few years - at least until children are in full time school.

After being in work since I left school - I cant imagine not doing something to contribute to our family finance pot. Even if it just paid for new shoes etc!

I am looking forward to a few years off just concentrating on my family. Enjoy!

MaliceInWinterWonderland78 · 21/01/2015 16:36

I think it's great if you have the 'choice' but just because you don't foresee a future where you'd work again, doesn't mean there isn't one in which you'll be required to work - unless you're independently wealthy (and I don't mean your DH's salary).

My MiL has never really worked. Now that the kids have all up and left, she's struggling to define herself.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:38

God I'd rather bleach my eyes than be a TA!

Kay you're not wrong. I just found teenagers annoying hard work.

I have independent wealth to a point. I could probably with careful investments live off it for the rest of my life but it would be a somewhat non-lavish lifestyle.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 21/01/2015 16:40

I worked a couple of years before DC (left school at 16) and had a family very young. Worked p/t and f/t with DD1 then SAH now for 16 years. Loved every minute. I am toying with going back to a part time career (2 long ish days) now mine are all at school. I recently finished a degree and have 5 children so have never been bored as soo busy. Part of me, though, would be happy never having to do paid work again BUT I worry that if I ended up on my own I could lose my house or be pushed into low paid work and sometimes I do feel very judged for not doing paid work. It's hard to decide what I want and not what I feel I should be doing. Of course there is also the fact that children become extremely expensive when they get older too.

YANBU though. Family/house work is still work. If you can afford to keep your time to yourself rather than sell to an employer then why not?

CrystalHaze · 21/01/2015 16:41

Very foolish to depend on another person to support you all your days. Anything at all could happen. That is such a risky decision.

Absolutely. Never allow someone else to be the gatekeeper of your independence.

You cannot know what will happen. Marriages break up, breadwinners become unable to work/lose their job ...

Your choice, of course, OP, but I could never be happy without my own income or being entirely dependant on another person.

museumum · 21/01/2015 16:42

I don't know how old you are now but i'm guessing mid-30s? I am late 30s and I can't imagine deciding anything about how I will want to live in my 50s or 60, even most of the next decade is a mystery to me :)

I work, and I enjoy it (self-employed, work 0.8fte) but I don't imagine keeping my life now the same for the next thirty years!!

formerbabe · 21/01/2015 16:43

If I could afford it my ideal life would be to be a sahm till children grew up, then stay at home, reading, making jam and going on cruises until I became a grandma and would look after my GC one day a week in between my reading, jam making and cruises.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:44

I don't imagine it will be the same particularly :) at least, I hope not! I'm just not clear at all about a future where paid work is part of my/our lives.

OP posts:
kaykayred · 21/01/2015 16:44

The other rather obvious issue to consider is how your partner feels about it.

It's not fair to simply "expect" your partner to be the sole earner, just because you don't fancy working. I would certainly resent the hell out of my partner if I was working full time and he just decided "not to bother" to go back to work because we could "get by" on my salary. It's a lot of pressure on one person to be almost entirely financially responsible for their family forever.

Of course it's different if your partner doesn't mind you indefinitely not working, or actively agrees that you staying at home is a good thing.

It's not really a decision you can make alone.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:45

Having said that, I did fall into being a SAHM so it isn't unfeasible I could fall into some form of paid work. But I don't think I plan to do so, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
LinesThatICouldntChange · 21/01/2015 16:45

It seems a bit drastic to be feeling you need to even make such a decision after just 6 years in the workplace. You may not want to go back to teaching, or even know what you'd like to do, but there are loads of interesting as well as socially essential or useful which you may want (or need) to do at some future point

Also- although you say you live off your dh's salary, what about your pension? Is he paying into enough into a private pension to enable you to live comfortably if you never work again? It may seem like light years away, but if your husband pre deceases you, you'll only get the widows pension element from his pension... I would think about all these things before deciding you'll never work again.

Fwiw, I worked after having dc1, stopped for a while after having dc2 mainly because I wouldnt make much money after paying childcare for 2, loved being a SAHM for a while but then chose to work again with Dc3...nothing is set in tablets of stone.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:45

He definitely prefers it when I'm at home kay

OP posts:
QueenofKelsingra · 21/01/2015 16:46

FWIW, all our savings are in my name (tax reasons for interest) so DH cant shoot through with all the money. Should the worst happen we both have life insurance policies in place which would keep our current standard of living, including the extra childcare required, for 3 years. Plus I am fit and able to get an office/bar/waitress/hospitality job in the future if I need to.

my personal belief is that making contingency plans for the marriage failing is setting it up to fail. I have made plans for my or DH's incapacity or death but I would consider it an insult to our marriage to have a 'back up' in place.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:48

Pensions do confuse me I have to admit.

DH has one through his job I think.

OP posts:
SASASI · 21/01/2015 16:48

If you don't have to work & don't want to, I don't see why that's a problem - or anybody's business?

I'm going back to work 2.5 days with a 2 hr commute every day - I dont intend to ever work full time again but everyone keeps saying 'can you go back full time when you need/want to?' I just say yeah.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/01/2015 16:48

I'm thinking of giving up work completely in the next 3 years. But I've worked 70 hour weeks for the last 30 years taken incredibly short maternity leaves and I will not be reliant on anybody else to do so.

I'm quite looking forward to it happening

kaykayred · 21/01/2015 16:49

Between - that's all well and good, but it's definitely something that you would need to have a serious discussion about from a long term perspective. I'm only assuming you haven't, of course.

The other thing to bear in mind is that he might be happy with it NOW, but six years down the line he might change his mind. And that wouldn't be unreasonable of him - people can agree to something now, but as circumstances change, so might their views on things. Personally I don't think anyone - unless they are a millionaire - can say definitively "I am totes happy for you to never work again in your life".

Work here, OBVIOUSLY, meaning paid employment.

ConfusedInBath · 21/01/2015 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTawdry · 21/01/2015 16:51

If you don't have any income you're very vulnerable if you should ever split with your DH.

Solasum · 21/01/2015 16:51

It is quite possible I am allowing an element of jealousy to turn my head (I am a single mum, I have to work), but I think it is mad to plan to never work again OP. I bet most people would prefer not to 'have' to work, including your husband. Why should it be you not him who gets to sit around doing whatever you want all day, once your children are grown? And where would you be left if he leaves you? You might think it would never happen to you, but I expect most people think that until it does.

ssd · 21/01/2015 16:51

what's independent wealth op? an inheritance?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/01/2015 16:52

Most women do it.

Like who?! I'm 30 with a fairly large and varied social circle. I know a couple of SAHM's (I'm currently one myself) but mine who don't intend to work again. And all the people I know with school aged children work.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:52

yes ssd

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 21/01/2015 16:53

Hi OP

I don't think I will ever work again, its certainly not my intention.
Have been a sahm for over 23 years now.
The thought of having my time managed, having to answer to other people, the stress etc.
I may do some voluntary work just a day a week or something and I love my life without work.
I said the same on the other thread

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