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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about never working again ...

476 replies

betweenmarchandmay · 21/01/2015 16:18

I worked from being 22 to 28 (teacher.)

I was posting on the thread about being a SAHM and it occurred to me I can't really see a future where I'd work again.

Has anyone else spent most or all of their adult life not working?

Just wondering. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 13:48

I reckon as well that she's aware of the potential impact on her children. As she says, she's not without awareness of common sense but I suspect that repeating it will make her feel worse than she already does.
I think if she addresses the finances and her knowledge she'll feel much better simply for doing that. She can't address a lifetime of control and disempowerment in one go.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 13:49

I never did get my head round reading music as it happens. I just couldn't understand it. Blush

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 25/01/2015 13:49

ILs thanks for understanding. Thank you.

OP posts:
FlowerFairy2014 · 25/01/2015 13:49

If the properties are in one name and the rental contract only that spouse is liable to pay tax on them. My daughter's husband has kept his flat from before they were married and he is the only one liable to pay tax (if the rent exceeds the mortgage and other costs which often it won't) on it. Of course if people divorce then whoever' s name properties are in they are all added up and divided but whilst married only the person who makes the income or lets the property has to pay tax on what is earned from it.

You are right about keeping tenants. My other daughter did not put up the rents for her tenants last year very much to keep them. A month with no one in which can be the result of putting up rents can be a huge loss never mind agent fees in finding new tenants. I have always worked full time, earned more than my other half and did both our tax returns so not exactly in your position, but even so I advise that you find out ASAP what savings he has and pensions and keep copies of the account numbers and details of what kind of accounts they are. Most couples would know this. It is not unreasonable.

TMInamechangedprotectinnocent · 25/01/2015 13:51

I don't think that not working and not setting a good example go hand in hand. Each family gets to choose what's right for them.

Not choosing to get your head round your own/family finances really is setting a bad example, though. Even when I was a SAHM I was the one who handled the family finances and anyone who tried to suggest I didn't have a right to any information about our money would have got very short shrift!

angstridden2 · 25/01/2015 13:51

I'm sorry if you feel I was being unhelpful but despite your dismissal of the qualifications needed to become a teacher, you can't be unintelligent to have qualified and survived six years. I know, I've been there. You presumably got a degree. I have said I am woefully ignorant myself about finances, but to protect myself for the future I have made sure I know where the money is and how to get at it should I be left alone in the future.

As other posters have said, maybe go and find a nice accountant who will talk you through your finances. You will be paying him so you have control.Maybe even one of those '........ for Dummies' books - I use them for all sorts of things - cv writing, IT; basic info with the assumption that readers have little or no prior knowledge.

I think there is more to this than just financial ignorance/career concerns; you sound rather lost and disempowered. Perhaps knowledge is power and you should go and get informed so that you take back some control.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 25/01/2015 13:56

It's a slow slide is the thing, you don't wake up one day and realise you're never going to work again.

You meet a man who seems fun and sensible and kind and think he's great boyfriend material and if he's a bit bossy it's because he's older and more worldly wise and in any case you're so used to being told what to do, and that you're wrong, wrong, wrong, it's normal.

Then you have a baby and you want to trust your instincts but it's dismissed as nonsense by the men in your life. And you are torn between what's right for you and what's best for the baby and the baby wins every time. And you carry on working part time even when you're hearing voices and seeing shadows constantly and this means you are crazy and your judgement is impaired and it is used to call your judgement into question long after the voices and shadows go.

And when you stop work it's such a relief and you're grieving for your dad/brother and a load of stuff just happens around you and control becomes a sort of anchor then. Get rid of these people, do this, don't do that, better here, that there. And then you have another baby and your brain gets fogged again and you come out of the fog a bit and realise the fog was actually the last 4 years of your life. It's like being in a coma. Don't keep telling me I'm wrong, I was barely conscious!

OP posts:
kim147 · 25/01/2015 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 14:00

And a slow slide takes a long time to get out of...

But to cite a very trite concept - the longest journey begins with a single step.
I think the financial knowledge could be the first place to start.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 25/01/2015 14:06

Angst I can analyse texts, poems and plays beautifully. I have a remarkable understanding of language and analysis and evaluation of it, largely through reading widely.

Our household holidays to France meant I could speak it fairly fluently before secondary school and I was fortunate enough to have an exceptionally passionate teacher for history. I got quite obsessed with peter the great at one point weird kid because of him. So I did well in my A levels and well at university.

I've had counselling for PND and I think it's been hard in some ways as I have realised - if it was someone else posting, I'd probably have been really nice to them! Kind and understanding and practical. When it's me I do often revert to a whiny kid because I hate the mirror being turned around and push it away or cover it.

I've never really learned how to learn. I did things I was interested in and fundamentally I am lazy and let other people do things I was not. Unfortunately I have been surrounded by controlling people all my life and when I sigh and say ' here take the reins' they grab them off me in delight - and refuse to hand them back.

I hugely lack confidence in my own decisions and I shouldn't as usually when it has just been 'me' I am right again and again. And that's that sense of discombobulation again: I am right but I am also wrong. I am sensible but also stupid. I want to be in control but I don't want to fight to get that control. All in all I'm scared of life in a way and retreating and passivity is my defence.

OP posts:
Floppityflop · 25/01/2015 14:18

Look, don't be ashamed of not understanding tax and finance. It's not something you can necessarily just pick up. You need to know enough and after that call in the peofessionals. A good accountant or tax adviser needn't be too expensive if things are straightforward. Tax is complicated. Otherwise we would all have passed our tax exams first time round...Blush

IamTitanium · 25/01/2015 14:22

The you should know because you have xyz is bullshit and unhelpful, we don't know things until we are taught/learn.

between Flowers

If you want to concentrate on learning about finances at the moment, it may help to start by writing a list about what you do/don't understand, for e.g. do you understand bank statements (I have worked with people that don't, if you do please do not be offended if you don't there is no need to feel embarrassed).

The we cant help you with x unless you tell us about y, you use above is not necessary dismissive, your answer is to find out about y, then you can be helped to understand x.

kim147 · 25/01/2015 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 14:26

IamTitanium
I agree. Lots of people know things I don't and they're not as educated as I am. They just know and have learned different things. And between has clearly understood and explained her own learning processes.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 25/01/2015 14:26

Thank you!

Here goes:

I think I do understand bank statements (it shows DDs, money going in and money going out.)

I don't understand how to budget very well Blush
I don't understand credit ratings or how to get a good one
I don't understand anything about tax
I don't really understand pensions.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 14:27

And I think that idea of writing a list is a great one.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2015 14:28

There you go. That's a start. Smile

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 25/01/2015 14:32

Thanks Flowers I do want things to change but there's a lot happening all at once.

OP posts:
IamTitanium · 25/01/2015 14:48

Take that Blush away, I know fuck all about music, other than I like a dirty dirty base Grin, I am not ashamed or worried about that, if everyone knew everything there would be no need for tax advisor/music teachers/maths tutors...
Have you heard of the website money saving expert? here its really good, but can seem a bit overwhelming to start with as there is so much info in so many sections.
It has lots of different tools budget planner
There are also forums there, with very helpful posters.
I love MSE!!
I would advise even if using an accountant in the future, you understand as much as you can.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 25/01/2015 14:50

I'm not using moneysavingexpert; it's even scarier than this place! Grin

No, I do want to get all this sorted. As I do have an idea but it may be stupid?

OP posts:
IamTitanium · 25/01/2015 14:55

info about credit scores/myth busting/how to boost etc

HMRC have good resources youtube chanel there is also the website and webinars you can sign up to.

Do not start to look at them all at once though, you will overload yourself and put yourself off even more.

Have you thought anymore about having a conversation with your husband so you can find out some info about where you stand at the moment with finances?
That might help you decide what to start looking at first.

IamTitanium · 25/01/2015 14:56

Scarier in what way?

What is your idea?

IamTitanium · 25/01/2015 15:00

Its so true ilovesooty sometimes the things I know people are Shock. My Mum always says to me did you know how to walk until you could walk, nope and you fell on your arse a fair few times before you learnt.

Original poster
betweenmarchandmay · 25/01/2015 15:33

I just don't like being shouted at and called stupid titanium

OP posts:
IamTitanium · 25/01/2015 15:41

Is that what happened on MSE? Or is that about your husband?

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