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Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 20:13

'People DONT say 'okay then' when I say no gifts expat

They say, well we'd really like to get you something, are you sure there's nothing you'd like, not even money etc et'

No, really, no gifts at all.

'You'd have to have a pretty hard heart not to think she deserved that opportunity.'

You'd have to have more front than Blackpool to put a cash request in an invite for a second wedding.

ThursdayLast · 18/01/2015 20:14

Ok. I think I'll just have to accept that some of my friends are more determinedly generous than people you know.

As determined as you are to disbelieve me.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 20:16

You'd have to have more front than Blackpool to put a cash request in an invite for a second wedding.

I sense that the judgeyness stakes have just been raised to dizzying heights ...

< sits back to enjoy this one >

crackerjack00 · 18/01/2015 20:19

An 'improving holiday' was tongue in cheek but I'm less keen to pay towards a pool/ beach holiday when they have one every year anyway. It seem different to using the wedding money to top up the budget and afford a one-off unforgettable holiday somewhere. (btw I checked with SIL and they don't know where they're going yet.)

How bloody patronising.

you wait to be asked what you'd like. You do not state it in the invitation

As a guest, I'd be frustrated if I had to ask what a B and G wanted. I'd rather they just told me upfront!!

marshmallowpies · 18/01/2015 20:23

Blush So her husband cheated on her & walked out on her, tried to wreck her life and she was not allowed to ask for money at her second wedding? And what about the poor second husband, it was a first wedding for HIM at any rate, there were all his guests too (in fact very few of us who'd been at wedding no 1, her life had moved on by then,many years passed, many of those guests probably didn't know about her first wedding)

longestlurkerever · 18/01/2015 20:25

The thing is that it is a bit rude to ask for cash. It is basically saying "anything you choose to buy is bound to be useless tat". It's practical, yes, and most people are going to overlook the rudeness in sympathy for the practicality. I certainly don't mind giving cash but it doesn't stop it being a bit rude. A bit like it would be if you said to a friend "I know you are going to buy me a birthday present but I would really rather have the 20 quid". Once asked though, it's a bit self important to ignore the request without good reason.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 20:26

She's allowed to do whatever she wants. Others are allowed to find it tacky. My cousin just got married again last month. Her husband also walked out on her and bankrupted her, took her years to rebuild her life as a single mum with two boys. Groom had never been married. Small, low key wedding for family and informal BBQ buffet party later on. No 'give us money' request in invitation.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 20:28

'The thing is that it is a bit rude to ask for cash. It is basically saying "anything you choose to buy is bound to be useless tat".'

It puts people on the spot, too. A lot of people have limited incomes and they feel compelled to give more than they can comfortably afford to avoid looking mean.

Not to mention thread after thread on here from guests who gave money, often quite generously, and are fearful the cash never got to the couple because they never received an acknowledgement, much less a thank you.

Pumpkinpositive · 18/01/2015 20:30

I don't know what the background is between OP and her sister, but OP sounds like really, really hard work.

Exhausting, in fact. Hmm

marshmallowpies · 18/01/2015 20:40

Expat, if your cousin didn't want money or gifts for a second wedding that's her choice, fair enough.

My friend didn't have children on remarrying and may never been able to because of her medical condition. She had plenty of challenges and difficult times ahead of her dealing with fertility, family and health issues, and to help give her one completely glorious romantic carefree holiday to escape from all of that wasn't just something I felt happy to contribute to, it was a privilege to. I know she felt far more in control of the 2nd wedding after the first had been stage-managed by family to an extent (when she was very young), the 2nd was a chance to do it her way.

anothernumberone · 18/01/2015 20:40

Interesting anothernumberone - I did first encounter the money-as-gift thing at an Irish wedding 10 years ago, I didn't realise it was the norm there

My friend who is English nearly lost her life when her then DP put money into a envelope for a wedding present for an Irish wedding maybe 9 years back. Where she lived down South in England it would have been considered rude. It was only when she married and got money presents from the entire Irish contingent she realised her DH was not totally rude.

In saying that the typical gift we give is €200 per couple so wedding season can be a very expensive time especially when you hit the early thirties.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 18/01/2015 20:47

I really don't get all the frothiness around asking for money as gifts. If you don't give £40 you'd spend that on a present - what's the difference? Why can't people just be happy getting the B&G a gift thy actually want?

Bambambini · 18/01/2015 20:50

I think norms change. You used to get toasters because you were setting up a new home from scratch. I imagine it's probably quite normal and accepted for young folk to say money is welcome these days - we are just all old and set in our ways.

I go to weddings of people I like and wish well, giving money which is useful to them is a godsend after years of trialling round shops looking for inspiration and takes much less effort, time and thought.

Got married nearly 20 yrs ago - didn't put the new fangled list in as it seemed a bit rude (had a home and didn't really want anything anyway) and ended getting a load of gifts (appreciated as they were (that are still in my dad's loft - what a waste.

And folk in Scotland tend to be quite generous about gifts, they will want to give something and would feel bad and uncomfortable about giving nothing.

crackerjack00 · 18/01/2015 20:53

Not to mention thread after thread on here from guests who gave money, often quite generously, and are fearful the cash never got to the couple because they never received an acknowledgement, much less a thank you.

That's the same for any gift, not just money, surely?

maggiethemagpie · 18/01/2015 21:05

I'm getting married next year and we will be asking if people want to give a contribution to the wedding instead of a gift. BUT we will make it very clear that we are happy if they don't want to do this. y

ApocalypseThen · 18/01/2015 22:29

It is a lot easier in Ireland virtually everyone gives money.

Yeah, I've never given anything but money (frankly, it's handy, you know how much is correct and you don't need to trail around the shops). We didn't mention presents when we got married and I'd say the presents we got were 95% money, very gratefully recieved.

In the end, it's really the present people want.

OriginalGreenGiant · 18/01/2015 22:38

Personally I think it's incredibly rude and tacky to ask for anything. I hate the awful poem money-grabs, and hate gift lists even more. You wouldn't do it for a birthday, why is a wedding different.

When we got married last year we didn't mention anything about gifts. We invited 80 people, another 30 for evening only and didn't have one person ask us what we wanted. People aren't stupid...if they want to give a gift and don't know what to buy, they'll give money...but at least they have the opportunity to choose something that they think you'd enjoy, without being guilted into giving money.

We got mainly money anyway but a few lovely gifts too - bottles of wine/bubbly, some crystal glasses, a personalised wedding canvas, a couple of lovely photo frames, a beautiful lambs-wool throw...

All the gifts we got were things I'd not have thought to ask for, but just amazing to be given. Asking for particular items just spoils things IMO.

OriginalGreenGiant · 18/01/2015 22:41

And to the pp's who've said they've put 'give money' in the invites but made it clear they don't have to...that is such rubbish!

Hardly anyone would turn up to a wedding empty handed. So people will give cash. But you've missed an amazing opportunity to give the people you care about a chance to give you something personal that you may have loved.

Loopylala7 · 18/01/2015 22:42

Most of those 'money poems' are there to tell people that the couple already have most of the stuff you may wish to gift, but if you still WANT to gift them, then this is what they would like.

They usually say somewhere in the poem that it is more important that you go to the wedding than gift the couple. If its a poem like that, I can't see how its grabby.

I don't have a problem gifting people things they would actually have use of rather than something pointless that will sit in the back of a drawer.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 18/01/2015 22:46

"But you've missed an amazing opportunity to give the people you care about a chance to give you something personal that you may have loved."

Although the more likely of course is that you give them something they don't value and an obligation to you to tell you how great it is...

Gifts are not about you they're about the receiver, if they asked you don't give them one, don't give one, your personal thing is another persons tat.

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 22:50

I think as this thread shows the wedding party will always offend or annoy someone. One person rude is another's useful or good.

Some love cash requests others want gift lists. Some hate gift lists and want to ask while others are relieved to know what to give. No right or wrong, rudeness or great idea is opinion not fact and in the eye of the beholder.

I had evening guests...that can be seen as rude by some who think all or nothing, others would disagree and do the same as me.

The only 100% rude is brides/grooms/guests who act like gluezilla of old.

ghostyslovesheep · 18/01/2015 22:56

two things we got (NB we asked for NO GIFTS - we still got near enough £1000 in cash)

two people got presents - one was a hurricane storm lamp (not in the box) which I am sure was an unwanted gift

the other was a hand stitched needlepoint of a bride and groom bear with the names and date on - it was very sweet and I did think it was nice they had made the effort but totally not our taste and hidden in the back room for 5 years then in the garage

we didn't want anything but at least we didn't feel obliged with the money to display things we didn't really like

to that end I prefer a wedding list or money request - so much easier

anothernumberone · 18/01/2015 22:59

Tbh I definitely think it is better to let guests use their own initiative in choosing a gift even if you are hoping for money. Those poems are awful.

GokTwo · 18/01/2015 23:12

I agree some of those poems are a bit awful. However, people seem to find it helpful to have some idea of what the couple would actually like. I'd hate to spend £40 on a present only to find that they already had it or didn't like it. What a waste of money!!

KoalaDownUnder · 19/01/2015 01:07

maggiethemagpie Sun 18-Jan-15 21:05:54
I'm getting married next year and we will be asking if people want to give a contribution to the wedding instead of a gift. BUT we will make it very clear that we are happy if they don't want to do this.

Oh god. Really? Why??

The 'BUT' is meaningless. I mean, really, how gracious of you to be 'happy' if people don't want to help pay for the celebration you chose to have and then invited them to as a guest! Hmm I'm just cringing at the thought of an invitation spelling this out.

Gifts, for any occasion, are not actually just about the recipient. They're an interaction between the giver and the receiver. That goes for all gift-giving occasions, and weddings are no different. Sure, some prefer to give money, in which case they will do that without being directed by you. Nobody is sitting around thinking, ooh, I wonder if John and Jenny would like a chunk of cash? It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

People having weddings should do what everyone else planning a social occasion does. Plan to your own budget, offer your guests hospitality, and shut up about the gifts unless someone asks. All this business of 'We made it very clear that we didn't want or expect anything, BUT...' is embarrassing.